rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Nope. I have regular periods and have zero signs of peri-menopause so far -- knock on wood. I've read staying fit helps with that and perhaps it does. A trip to the doctor for a check-up wouldn't hurt. And I don't think I have a low libido. I had no problems whatsoever with XAP. Low libido and lack of sexual attraction are two completely different things. You haven't had sex with your affair partner for several months (?) and longer than that with your husband. You indicated you would be happy enough not getting involved in another relationship for a year or more even if you do get divorced. It doesn't sound like you have any particular urge to have sex with either your husband or your affair partner. At least not enough of an urge to actually pursue it. You managed to maintain a 20+ year marriage in which you received low/no sexual satisfaction. It sounds like your level of activity rose somewhat when you were active with your affair partner, but that was only for a few months, and new relationships are always more exciting/intense, but that wears off after a while. It doesn't really sound like you have much of a desire or need for sex, period.
mem11363 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I see many women who have taken good care of themselves, are mid forties to mid fifties and hot. Of course to me, my wife is the hottest :) and she turns 48 in a few months. At the rate they are aging, these women will be hot for decades to come. Or it could have been a not so subtle age jab. Regardless of who it is, age seems to be a hangup and a lot of references have been made to suggest younger = better in terms of females. I was always taught -- and feel -- differently. Although I love young people and see many positives in them, I also think there is such value in wisdom and find elderly people beautiful. By elderly, I mean pushing 80. People are so much more youthful in general than they used to be if they keep themselves healthy. It's a wonderful thing. Supposing it wasn't a jab and a real concern for my hormones , they haven't been a problem so far. I believe the average onset of menopause is 51, although peri-menopausal symptoms may occur 10 to 15 years before actual menopause. I've been fortunate so far.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 A trip to the doctor for a check-up wouldn't hurt. I get regular checkups. You haven't had sex with your affair partner for several months (?) and longer than that with your husband. You indicated you would be happy enough not getting involved in another relationship for a year or more even if you do get divorced. It doesn't sound like you have any particular urge to have sex with either your husband or your affair partner. At least not enough of an urge to actually pursue it. No, actually I would love to have sex with my affair partner -- but seeing as I'm back home and going to counseling, it didn't seem the thing to do. I've already admitted I made a mistake having an affair and I'm trying not to repeat the mistake. If I decide to leave, I will leave and then eventually -- more than likely -- begin another relationship. It seems to me the wise thing to do would be to take time to regroup after leaving a 27 year marriage and not immediately jump into the next relationship. You managed to maintain a 20+ year marriage in which you received low/no sexual satisfaction. I did do that. I self-helped. It sounds like your level of activity rose somewhat when you were active with your affair partner, but that was only for a few months, and new relationships are always more exciting/intense, but that wears off after a while. It doesn't really sound like you have much of a desire or need for sex, period. It was more than a few months. You may think it sounds like whatever you would like to think. There's no need for me to prove my level of sexual desire to you. You really need to let go of the age thing. I mean for yourself, not me. I'm not hung up on it and really don't have insecurities about my age. You seem to want me to have them, but they are not there. I see many women who have taken good care of themselves, are mid forties to mid fifties and hot. Of course to me, my wife is the hottest :) and she turns 48 in a few months. At the rate they are aging, these women will be hot for decades to come. I'm 48 and I would be more than happy to show you a photo of my hotness -- ha,ha -- (just kidding -- I'm not vain -- but I'm not unattractive) and you can come back to report.
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I see many women who have taken good care of themselves, are mid forties to mid fifties and hot. Of course to me, my wife is the hottest :) and she turns 48 in a few months. At the rate they are aging, these women will be hot for decades to come. There is a difference between being attractive in appearance and having a high libido.
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 You may think it sounds like whatever you would like to think. There's no need for me to prove my level of sexual desire to you. But you've repeatedly stated you have zero sexual desire for the only man who is currently available to you. It's hard to get a lower libido level than that.
mem11363 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I have a pretty good sense of aesthetics. Glad to give my opinion. I get regular checkups. No, actually I would love to have sex with my affair partner -- but seeing as I'm back home and going to counseling, it didn't seem the thing to do. I've already admitted I made a mistake having an affair and I'm trying not to repeat the mistake. If I decide to leave, I will leave and then eventually -- more than likely -- begin another relationship. It seems to me the wise thing to do would be to take time to regroup after leaving a 27 year marriage and not immediately jump into the next relationship. I did do that. I self-helped. It was more than a few months. You may think it sounds like whatever you would like to think. There's no need for me to prove my level of sexual desire to you. You really need to let go of the age thing. I mean for yourself, not me. I'm not hung up on it and really don't have insecurities about my age. You seem to want me to have them, but they are not there. I'm 48 and I would be more than happy to show you a photo of my hotness -- ha,ha -- (just kidding -- I'm not vain -- but I'm not unattractive) and you can come back to report.
mem11363 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Sam doesn't look anywhere near her age. She looks very good. And the photo - while rated G - was a complete picture. Not just a head shot. She will have plenty of quality suitors if she becomes available. I get regular checkups. No, actually I would love to have sex with my affair partner -- but seeing as I'm back home and going to counseling, it didn't seem the thing to do. I've already admitted I made a mistake having an affair and I'm trying not to repeat the mistake. If I decide to leave, I will leave and then eventually -- more than likely -- begin another relationship. It seems to me the wise thing to do would be to take time to regroup after leaving a 27 year marriage and not immediately jump into the next relationship. I did do that. I self-helped. It was more than a few months. You may think it sounds like whatever you would like to think. There's no need for me to prove my level of sexual desire to you. You really need to let go of the age thing. I mean for yourself, not me. I'm not hung up on it and really don't have insecurities about my age. You seem to want me to have them, but they are not there. I'm 48 and I would be more than happy to show you a photo of my hotness -- ha,ha -- (just kidding -- I'm not vain -- but I'm not unattractive) and you can come back to report.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Sam doesn't look anywhere near her age. She looks very good. And the photo - while rated G - was a complete picture. Not just a head shot. She will have plenty of quality suitors if she becomes available. Awww, you didn't have to do that -- but thank you for your words of encouragement and endorsement. I simply don't get why people think a woman's age determines whether or not she will have quality prospects. Especially in today's world -- there are so many people who are well educated, interesting, fit, etc. in a variety of age brackets. I know some very physically attractive people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. It's insulting to say a woman's prospects go down because she's nearing menopause. WTH? As for HRT, which was mentioned earlier, I will try my best to avoid it. It seems to have more negatives than positives associated with it.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I'm 68 and look half way decent for my age.. (I'll pm you) . Had never really met anyone in these last 20+ yrs that I thought I couldn't live without .. The men my age look awful .. And could never bring myself to having a younger one .. because who wants to be looking over their shoulder for the rest of their life..
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 I'm 68 and look half way decent for my age.. (I'll pm you) . Had never really met anyone in these last 20+ yrs that I thought I couldn't live without .. The men my age look awful .. And could never bring myself to having a younger one .. because who wants to be looking over their shoulder for the rest of their life.. Way beyond halfway decent!! *hug* I think there are scarce pickings out there period.
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Awww, you didn't have to do that -- but thank you for your words of encouragement and endorsement. You actually sent your pic to mem? Oh boy. I simply don't get why people think a woman's age determines whether or not she will have quality prospects. I completely agree with you, it's character that counts. Physical beauty is only skin deep. I know some very physically attractive people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. And in their 30's, too. It's insulting to say a woman's prospects go down because she's nearing menopause. WTH? LOL, "wth" indeed, no one ever said that, except for you. As for HRT, which was mentioned earlier, I will try my best to avoid it. It seems to have more negatives than positives associated with it. Why would you need to "avoid" it when it's not even an issue for you?
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Sam doesn't look anywhere near her age. She looks very good. And the photo - while rated G - was a complete picture. Not just a head shot. She will have plenty of quality suitors if she becomes available. LOL, do you realize the two of you somehow turned this into a discussion about OP's physical appearance, when that's not what anyone was discussing at all?
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I think there are scarce pickings out there period. --------------------- Yes, anyone contemplating a divorce .. go to POF or Match and look at the leftovers out there .. that'll give you an idea .. If I would have had a choice, I would have much rather grown older with my husband ..
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I think there are scarce pickings out there period. Now you finally got it.
mem11363 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 R4, Why do you correlate loss of desire for a spouse with loss of libido? The board is FULL of folks who have no desire for their partner, but definitely have sexual desire. But you've repeatedly stated you have zero sexual desire for the only man who is currently available to you. It's hard to get a lower libido level than that.
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 R4, Why do you correlate loss of desire for a spouse with loss of libido? The board is FULL of folks who have no desire for their partner, but definitely have sexual desire. And.........we have a winner! As a (certain social network) friend of Samantha's, I've saw her pic, and I would be sure that she certainly wouldn't have any problem in attracting men in a wide range of ages. Now that we have that out of the way. Samantha did you read my post way back in this thread, #48? Just curious as to what you thought about it.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 [/b] And.........we have a winner! As a (certain social network) friend of Samantha's, I've saw her pic, and I would be sure that she certainly wouldn't have any problem in attracting men in a wide range of ages. Now that we have that out of the way. Samantha did you read my post way back in this thread, #48? Just curious as to what you thought about it. Thank you! You're a sweetheart and I want grandbabies. I just went back to track the post down. Sorry for missing it! Samantha......I don't think it should be THIS hard. I think you are trying to get a feeling back that was never there to start with. I don't think your h can ever change into the man you need and want him to be. It's not a criticism of your husband nor is it a criticism of you or your wants and needs. I think you know in your heart and soul that to stay is not what you want......but you are afraid to go. I am afraid to go. I'm not even sure if the right thing is to go -- but I do think I can't get a feeling back that was never there. I love him so much as a person. I love how our family is as a family. He truly is a good man. It bothers me that I don't have a sexual attraction to him. I'm pretty sure I can't get it with him -- and certainly having an affair with someone I was strongly sexually attracted to didn't help. It wasn't one of my better life decisions, given my situation. I think I'm mad at myself for not having the fortitude to walk away without having the affair. Or to stay without having the affair. Maybe that's crying over spilt milk because I can't exactly take it back. Your life as you have known would be completely different and even though you have sometimes resented the parent/child aspect of your relationship with your husband, it does bring you security in a sense. Definitely! There's such a sense of security -- and even though financially we are doing pretty well, I don't mean financial security -- although I don't think anyone would mind being financially secure. Besides the financial aspects of security, I also have a sense of someone who would stand by me regardless. I'm pretty sure he would do that forever. I think as we get older than it's harder to take a chance on the unknown. I think you want to spread your wings and fly.....but fear is holding you back. My 2 cents worth. Thanks BB. I think I've always wanted to spread my wings and fly and just got married way too young and never had the chance. Even my husband says he thinks I've always felt I've missed out on something. It may not even be anything better -- quite possibly not anything better -- but I've just not had the experience to be out there in the world on my own. We can't go back in time, but if I had my time machine I'd be single until I was around 30 and I would live on my own and develop into who I am as a person.
rewe4reel Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 R4, Why do you correlate loss of desire for a spouse with loss of libido? The board is FULL of folks who have no desire for their partner, but definitely have sexual desire. Mem, I know from reading some of your posts your wife had issues with low libido and it's been a big problem in your own marriage. Maybe because of spending the better part of a marriage with a low libido spouse, you believe that to be the "norm"? The answer to your question is rather obvious. Libido is a basic drive, like hunger. It's sexual appetite, rather than appetite for food. I didn't correlate loss of desire for a spouse with low libido. I correlated the apparent absence of a need to have sex with a low libido, because that's exactly what having a low libido means. A person who is very very hungry has a pressing need to eat. It's a basic drive. Just because the preferred food is steak doesn't mean the very hungry person won't eat hamburger if no steak is available. A person who is not very hungry will turn up their nose at the hamburger, will only eat prime steak, and if not very hungry, will not even bother to seek out the prime steak. A person who is starving will settle for less than hamburger, they will happily eat an old scrap of bread. The same applies to libido. A person with a very strong libido might prefer to only have sex with someone they are extremely attracted to, like a supermodel. But if a supermodel is not available, the strong sex drive still impels them to have sex with a lesser alternative. They won't turn their nose up at hamburger. For a person to not have sex for several months, contemplating not having sex possibly for several more months, or perhaps indefinitely, when a readily available partner exists, means by definition that that person does not have very much of a libido, or sex drive. If you don't eat for several months you can't be very hungry. You seem totally confused about what libido actually is. Only someone with a very low libido would have the luxury of choosing not to have sex for a prolonged period of months or even years, when a sex partner (the spouse) is available. If OP had a healthy libido, and assuming the AP was totally off limits, she would at least from time to time try to have sex with her husband, or at least contemplate it. In fact she'd be "climbing the walls." A high libido person would have sex with the undesirable spouse if no one else was available. It's that simple. They might not be happy about it, they might hate themselves in the morning, they might have to get drunk to go through with it, but their libido would impel them to do it. If someone has an active sex life with an affair partner then they can satisfy the libido without having sex with the spouse, then fine, they don't have a low libido. However if they're not having sex with anyone at all, for a prolonged period of time, even though the opportunity exists, then by definition, they must have a low libido. Low libido = low need for sex. High libido = high need for sex. People with a high need for sex attempt to have sex with available partners at a reasonably high frequency. People with a low libido, don't. Yes I agree there are many stories of women posted on LS both by the women themselves and their spouses descriptive of very low libido women. However these are also consistent with the women having affair partners of which the husbands may be unaware.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) There is a difference between being attractive in appearance and having a high libido. Well, that's obvious. I don't think you need to state simple facts to people here. Most seem intelligent enough to figure these things out without your instruction. But you've repeatedly stated you have zero sexual desire for the only man who is currently available to you. It's hard to get a lower libido level than that. What a bizarre statement. I have no sexual attraction/desire to one person and you think that makes me low libido? Even though the lack of sexual attraction is to my spouse how does that equate low libido based on what I've shared? Low libido: The signs of a low sex drive include: * Less frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies Hardly!!! * Reduced sexual desire Nope -- I believe the inference here is in general. If I have reduced sexual desire for a particular person, yet have plenty of sexual drive for another -- I don't think that counts as low libido. * Reluctance to initiate sex Again -- with me that would be partner specific. * Less frequent masturbation I don't want to intimate I'm having the most fulfilling sex life with myself at the present moment because it makes me seem kind of pathetic, but....... * Lack of desire for sex when you've gone without sex for days, weeks, or months (depending on what was previously normal for you) Again, I have plenty of desire for sex (see previous disclaimers)...... --------------------- Yes, anyone contemplating a divorce .. go to POF or Match and look at the leftovers out there .. that'll give you an idea .. If I would have had a choice, I would have much rather grown older with my husband .. What's POF? Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me cali. I really do appreciate what you share and you have helped me to think a lot as I go along in this mess. I loved your last statement and I know you really feel that way. Wondering if I would feel that way in retrospect has made me stop and think a lot about what actions I should take. Edited May 24, 2010 by Samantha0905
califnan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 What's POF? Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me cali. I really do appreciate what you share and you have helped me to think a lot as I go along in this mess. I loved your last statement and I know you really feel that way. Wondering if I would feel that way in retrospect has made me stop and think a lot about what actions I should take. -------------------------- Great Samantha! (And I am trying to gather some success stories of marriage re-building on the other thread for others to look at) POF is a free singles' Sears-like catalog .. .. www.plentyoffish.com
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Samantha......when I read your reply/post it made me really sad. I walked away for while and thought about it. It's like there is door #1 and door #2 in front of you but you don't know which one you want to open or even if you do want to open them. Both have lots of risks and possible rewards, but there is no way to know which one has the least risk. I wish I knew the answer for you. During my thinking time between posts I also realized why I identify with you. I think parts of you feel trapped and there isn't any way to get out with all pieces of you intact. I know that feeling even though my situation has nothing in common with yours, but it's a most unpleasant feeling. Hugs......
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Honestly, I thought SAM had a HIGH libido based on her desire to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. Thank you! And I do have a high libido. I love sex and I can't describe how much it has bothered me through the years to feel sexually unfulfilled. I've had sex because I think sex is what is supposed to be present in a marriage relationship. And I'm not meaning it like I had sex out of charity -- Hell, my husband is every bit as attractive/nice and quite a bit more so -- I wanted to enjoy the sex with my husband so much. I had sex when he wanted it, I prayed, I let him get creative for a brief period when he wanted to (after he moved out at the 10 year mark) with tying me up, videos, spanking, etc. I've tried. It's just always felt awkward with him for me. It's like a no win situation. When it was mundane and only on date night, it was not so great. The brief period when it was less than mundane, it was not so great. I don't know if I should just bite the bullet and have sex again and see if it has gotten any better or what. I'm not trying to be an ass here. I know it sounds harsh, but I think that attraction is just not there for me. In the last week he kissed me sexually before we went to bed -- a few times after I had a couple of glasses of wine (oh no -- alcohol again and someone will call me an alcoholic) -- and even then I knew I didn't want to be there. I hate I feel this way, but I do. He said, "I enjoyed kissing you" and I felt even worse because I feel like I'm hurting him for not enjoying it back. I didn't announce that, but it's there.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Samantha......when I read your reply/post it made me really sad. I walked away for while and thought about it. It's like there is door #1 and door #2 in front of you but you don't know which one you want to open or even if you do want to open them. Both have lots of risks and possible rewards, but there is no way to know which one has the least risk. I wish I knew the answer for you. During my thinking time between posts I also realized why I identify with you. I think parts of you feel trapped and there isn't any way to get out with all pieces of you intact. I know that feeling even though my situation has nothing in common with yours, but it's a most unpleasant feeling. Hugs...... Thank you. *hug* It is a most unpleasant/trapped feeling. Maybe I'm not meant to leave it intact. My counselor told me something like that and also that sometimes hearts have to break.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Mem, I know from reading some of your posts your wife had issues with low libido and it's been a big problem in your own marriage. Maybe because of spending the better part of a marriage with a low libido spouse, you believe that to be the "norm"? The answer to your question is rather obvious. Libido is a basic drive, like hunger. It's sexual appetite, rather than appetite for food. I didn't correlate loss of desire for a spouse with low libido. I correlated the apparent absence of a need to have sex with a low libido, because that's exactly what having a low libido means. A person who is very very hungry has a pressing need to eat. It's a basic drive. Just because the preferred food is steak doesn't mean the very hungry person won't eat hamburger if no steak is available. A person who is not very hungry will turn up their nose at the hamburger, will only eat prime steak, and if not very hungry, will not even bother to seek out the prime steak. A person who is starving will settle for less than hamburger, they will happily eat an old scrap of bread. The same applies to libido. A person with a very strong libido might prefer to only have sex with someone they are extremely attracted to, like a supermodel. But if a supermodel is not available, the strong sex drive still impels them to have sex with a lesser alternative. They won't turn their nose up at hamburger. For a person to not have sex for several months, contemplating not having sex possibly for several more months, or perhaps indefinitely, when a readily available partner exists, means by definition that that person does not have very much of a libido, or sex drive. If you don't eat for several months you can't be very hungry. You seem totally confused about what libido actually is. Only someone with a very low libido would have the luxury of choosing not to have sex for a prolonged period of months or even years, when a sex partner (the spouse) is available. If OP had a healthy libido, and assuming the AP was totally off limits, she would at least from time to time try to have sex with her husband, or at least contemplate it. In fact she'd be "climbing the walls." A high libido person would have sex with the undesirable spouse if no one else was available. It's that simple. They might not be happy about it, they might hate themselves in the morning, they might have to get drunk to go through with it, but their libido would impel them to do it. If someone has an active sex life with an affair partner then they can satisfy the libido without having sex with the spouse, then fine, they don't have a low libido. However if they're not having sex with anyone at all, for a prolonged period of time, even though the opportunity exists, then by definition, they must have a low libido. Low libido = low need for sex. High libido = high need for sex. People with a high need for sex attempt to have sex with available partners at a reasonably high frequency. People with a low libido, don't. Yes I agree there are many stories of women posted on LS both by the women themselves and their spouses descriptive of very low libido women. However these are also consistent with the women having affair partners of which the husbands may be unaware. tp alert. Sam, What is interesting is this..... Most people that have been in a relationship as long as you, do not have great sex lives. Sure some do, but I am sure its a small percentage. Really? I'm not being smart ass. But really? That stinks. Uggggghhh. Maybe they started out with one and I didn't so I feel a loss there? I don't know. For sure....I too did not have a great sex relationship prior to her affair. It did not bother me that much though. It didn't? Because you loved her and could focus on other things? I'm just asking. It's so frustrating to me. I know people say I don't love my husband after reading what I type here. But I do love him. I DO HAVE A STRONG SEX DRIVE.....but accepted my sex life. I think I did that for a long time. I went 10 years thinking I didn't like sex. The first 10. I didn't know -- it was my first sex experience. And I'm not saying that like I didn't have a choice. I did. I was pretty naive at that age and didn't understand I had the choice to say I didn't like what was happening. It was just a part of my life......just icing on a very large cake. I was happy with so many other things, so how could I want everything? I totally get that statement. It seems like something that should be small, right? I had so many blessings. So what if my sex life wasn't good? It seems that this lack of sexual interest is a big thing for you. It is. I don't exactly know why. Because I like that feeling of total abandonment, uninhibitedness and complete physical connection. I got that you are not attracted to your husband....but I don't know exactly why...like what makes it so intolerable. I don't know. I feel so horrible for saying this but I don't even enjoy the kissing. What is that? He's such a nice person. Some woman will have sex with bad breathed, fat, smelly husbands....and don't complain as much as you. I don't mean to complain. And yuck on bad breathed, fat and smelly -- that's not for me. He's not bad breathed, fat or smelly, by the way. He's a nice man. I am starting to feel deficient for feeling the way I do. I love him. I've wanted to have that feeling for him all along -- that sexually stimulated feeling. Maybe long term it isn't there so much -- I get that -- but, it wasn't there from the get go once intercourse commenced (ha -- that didn't sound very sexual) -- and maybe I do feel like I missed out on something? Again, I am SURE you may find a minority with a great sex relationship after decades together....but that is a very small minority. Thanks. I know what you're saying makes sense. Maybe if I had had it at one point and that was the inevitable outcome it would set better with me. Maybe I should suck it up and it should set better with me regardless. I know the affair really screwed up my thinking -- even more than it was already screwed up -- which was a lot. It's kind of like me and my affair partner may in real life (if I met him not married) would have a three year tumultuous relationship with great sex, lots of crazy assed arguments, tension, etc. and then we would explode like an atomic bomb because of our differences. I think that actually may have been the real life scenario had we met with both of us single. And me and my husband have had a 33 year relationship which is like growing up together from childhood (literally), never great sex -- mostly not even close to good sex -- hardly any arguments EVER even when separated , loving one another dearly, raising beautiful children, etc. and then we also explode because of our differences. Maybe I was meant to be single?
Woggle Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Please just put this marriage out of it's misery. This is just painful hearing about and it has to be 10 times more painful experiencing.
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