rewe4reel Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 My friend, Q, and I have been friends since my early 30s. She knows everything -- about XAP and the sexual issues. My friend, C, and I have been friends since my early 20s. She also knows both. My friend, D, and I have been friends since my mid-30s. She knows both. OP, you asked a question and I answered it. I didn't "answer my own question." So you've known D for over ten years; Q for over 15 years; and C for over 25 years. All three know all about your situation. They also know all about your husband and his behavior under various circumstances. They know you. What have been their reactions to what has been going on? When you walked out on your husband, did they encourage you, or try to discourage that? What about your affair partner? What about when you decided to return to your husband? Do they think you should tell your husband that you've been in contact with the affair partner? Have they told you they think your marriage is worth saving? By the way, are these friends of yours some of the same peer group that you've said finds your husband to be "attractive"? Why is this important? Well, because these three people are people who actually know you in real life, and know your husband in real life. Also, have any of these friends either been victims of or perhaps perpetrators of marital infidelity? Have they successfully navigated through long term marital relationships themselves? That would make a difference as to what they might tell you. I'm guessing that none of these friends have been particularly supportive of what you've been doing, because you've been fence-sitting, and that's probably why you haven't mentioned any of them yet. Any of your friends who believes that your husband is basically a good guy and that your marriage should be saved would have advised against walking out in the first place, would have told you not to get involved with your affair partner if you had an intention of returning to your husband; and certainly would have told you to go no contact with your affair partner after coming back, if you were trying to save your marriage. On the other hand, any of your friends who believed your marriage was pretty much over and done with, and that your husband did not deserve you, would have told you to stay independent and not go back to your husband. Or they would have told you to patch things up with the affair partner, or maybe find someone new to start a relationship with. The only way I could see any of your friends being supportive of being half-in half-out of the marriage this way might be someone in a similar position to you: married, unhappy about it, in love with an affair partner, conflicted.
califnan Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Hi cali. Happy weekend! I still think there's a distinct possibility it is a resurrection. That's pretty good recall on your part. I don't remember mentioning girls' night out -- although I love it -- and I'm not knocking you. I have a terrible memory. ---------------------- My job depends on my memory .. And it is funny about us now wondering if "Reel" is TP .. ha Yes, of course I know about your girls' night outs .. don't you remember having the shamrocks put on your fingernails .. and then doing your girls night out .. (I think at one of the events, someone even called your xAP in) ..
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 ---------------------- My job depends on my memory .. And it is funny about us now wondering if "Reel" is TP .. ha Yes, of course I know about your girls' night outs .. don't you remember having the shamrocks put on your fingernails .. and then doing your girls night out .. (I think at one of the events, someone even called your xAP in) .. Maybe I had a better memory when I was in school and/or working. I do remember my shamrocks -- and most of my girls' night out events (ha,ha) -- don't remember the XAP part..... But -- I believe you -- as I said, my memory is awful.
califnan Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Blind.. to the best of my knowledge, I don't think Cobalt was suggesting for you to move.. I think he was inferring that the subject matter could move.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Samantha, Do you believe these two .. they are having a p......g match on Your thread ...
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Samantha, Do you believe these two .. they are having a p......g match on Your thread ... I actually respect Blindsidedagainalive. I've read previous posts of his/hers (can't remember, not trying to turn you into a hermaphrodite. ) -- and even when he/she doesn't agree with me completely -- he/she makes some valid points -- and this other poster is off the chain -- Cobalt -- so much anger. And yes -- I believe it cali -- I attract this stuff. Everyone (friends/spouse) tells me I'm too approachable.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 there is a genetic link to alcoholism... generally triggered by some trauma... unfortunately, the reality is that most families are so determined to cover up the tendencies of their alcoholic family members - the genetic links are often not revealed for second or third generations. assume nothing. watch behavior. see if a pattern has developed that you even deny for yourself. look at facts. act on realities. Meant to respond to you earlier. This thread is a bit happening lately. I know there is a genetic link. I wasn't assuming there has to be someone in the family history in order for alcoholism to occur, however -- although someone here may have assumed I did assume that.... In any event -- and as to your post -- assuming nothing is great advice. Being vigilant in observance is also very good advice. And self-monitoring always goes a long way..... It's along the same lines in many ways as taking the beam out of your own eye (not yours personally) -- but, as an aside, I don't get why people don't focus on their own beams more than others?..... Thanks for your post.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Wow. I'm pretty darn sure that's a violation of Community Guidelines. And a waste of space on Samantha's thread. what Samantha chooses to do with her life doesn't change your life at all. Whether her H has a drinking problem doesn't either. Yes. I know you asked me something earlier and I promise to respond tomorrow. I'm afraid I've been reading the "Jerry Springer" posts here tonight.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 I am a man .... you silly fool. How old are you?...you are throwing a wee temper tantrum. Did you grow up in a trailer park? Thanks. I probably knew that -- but it's late -- and I know the above referenced quote isn't directed at me. But thanks anyway......
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Me an my 'religion' - have been reported, for less ha,ha,ha -- you were reported for your beliefs? I'm so sorry. I didn't do it.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 ha,ha,ha -- you were reported for your beliefs? I'm so sorry. I didn't do it. ------------------ No.. You are not the type who would, Samantha..
BB07 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Well at least TP.....( I mean whatever his current alias for the month;)) isn't posting tonight.
BB07 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Me an my 'religion' - have been reported, for less I respect you califnan, you are always level headed, but I don't always agree with you especially concerning TP.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I respect you califnan, you are always level headed, but I don't always agree with you especially concerning TP. ------------------ My last comments on here tonight didn't have anything to do with TP.. BB ..
BB07 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 ------------------ My last comments on here tonight didn't have anything to do with TP.. BB .. I know.....I was just giving you a compliment and trying to make a funny at the same time, guess you didn't take it that way. I'm sorry.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I know.....I was just giving you a compliment and trying to make a funny at the same time, guess you didn't take it that way. I'm sorry. ------------------ Don't be sorry .. I misunderstood.. You just added "TP" in addition .. You guys don't want to hear this ... but everytime I think of TP and his extensive analyzing posts .. I laugh - also, some of what he said, was tongue-in-cheek .. When I think about it - I wonder if he was reported, and suspended - why else would someone completely disappear like that ..
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Samantha, may I ask a question? Where do you see this going? What would a happy ending look like for you? Oops, that was 2 questions... I don't know. I don't think my husband will want to remain in a sexless marriage and I don't know that I am ever going to want to make love to him. A happy ending? I don't know again. I'm full of answers, huh? That's what is so frustrating. A happy ending would be either me feeling very sexually attracted to my husband and us have a nice sex life, along with a lot more intimacy/conversation. Another not quite as happy ending would be for me to be able to be with someone which whom I could share such a close relationship. The only reason I say not quite as happy is because I think it would cause a lot of pain to my husband and my children.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 ------------------ Don't be sorry .. I misunderstood.. You just added "TP" in addition .. You guys don't want to hear this ... but everytime I think of TP and his extensive analyzing posts .. I laugh - also, some of what he said, was tongue-in-cheek .. When I think about it - I wonder if he was reported, and suspended - why else would someone completely disappear like that .. He was a thoughtful poster at times and other times he was quite cruel. I certainly laughed at what he typed at times. Of course, a poster can be cruel and I'm a big girl -- but I do draw the line when someone goes on and on about my family of origin. I was very close to my parents -- and they are deceased -- I have zero tolerance for someone bad mouthing them or their parenting when they (a) do not know them at all and, (b) they are not around to defend themselves. It's crossing the line for me. Furthermore, they did a wonderful job raising 14 (that's a lot ) children and we are all still very close. I think it's an amazing accomplishment and I was so blessed to have two sweet, kind, intelligent, humorous and strong parents.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I read some other diff posts/threads last night - end result was diff perspectives.. One poster was saying that it is difficult to get her marriage back with her willing BS after the affair because she had not married her H out of attraction and for the right reasons.. Another poster has said that although the marriage was in bad shape before and after the affair - she was so Commited to the marriage - and that the marriage did actually turn around - but not until two years of NC with the OM. Another poster has said that she hasn't regretted leaving her SO for the MM because the SO did not meet her needs.. (And I am confused, in wondering how the isolation of an OW being on the outside when being with a MM, can actually meet her needs).. I guess one could start another thread about it, but at the end of the day, I guess the fork in the road represents how the individual wishes to pursue their life - in hope.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 OK I did it .. I did start a thread on it .. Was hesitant because, I am terrible at staying with a thread with narrative ...
rewe4reel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I don't know. I don't think my husband will want to remain in a sexless marriage and I don't know that I am ever going to want to make love to him. A happy ending? I don't know again. I'm full of answers, huh? That's what is so frustrating. A happy ending would be either me feeling very sexually attracted to my husband and us have a nice sex life, along with a lot more intimacy/conversation. Another not quite as happy ending would be for me to be able to be with someone which whom I could share such a close relationship. The only reason I say not quite as happy is because I think it would cause a lot of pain to my husband and my children. Have you considered looking into hormone replacement therapy? A lot of women your age find it really helps out their libido.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Have you considered looking into hormone replacement therapy? A lot of women your age find it really helps out their libido. -------------------- See! Samantha and BB ... It's not troggleputty - TP would have said more ..
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Have you considered looking into hormone replacement therapy? A lot of women your age find it really helps out their libido. Nope. I have regular periods and have zero signs of peri-menopause so far -- knock on wood. I've read staying fit helps with that and perhaps it does. And I don't think I have a low libido. I had no problems whatsoever with XAP. Low libido and lack of sexual attraction are two completely different things.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 -------------------- See! Samantha and BB ... It's not troggleputty - TP would have said more .. Or it could have been a not so subtle age jab. Regardless of who it is, age seems to be a hangup and a lot of references have been made to suggest younger = better in terms of females. I was always taught -- and feel -- differently. Although I love young people and see many positives in them, I also think there is such value in wisdom and find elderly people beautiful. By elderly, I mean pushing 80. People are so much more youthful in general than they used to be if they keep themselves healthy. It's a wonderful thing. Supposing it wasn't a jab and a real concern for my hormones , they haven't been a problem so far. I believe the average onset of menopause is 51, although peri-menopausal symptoms may occur 10 to 15 years before actual menopause. I've been fortunate so far.
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