califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Califnan, I usually get something useful from your posts, but troggleputty was a nutcase and you encouraged him when he was here. Thank goodness....he is gone. -------------------- He made me laugh with his approach, because he was a humorous person.. If it appeared that he was stalking Samantha, it was probably because he developed an interest in the thread based on her story, and her colorful way of telling her story. Troggle did post on other threads besides Samantha's .. All in all, Samantha may not have cared for his approach, but I think there was meat in there - and of course a man looking at things from her husband's standpoint, may seem intimidating as well. Either he became incapacitated or he was reported. I miss others too - such as Imatexan
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Maybe I've missed something here, but this is the first time I've seen Samantha mention a drunken episode, so arriving at this conclusion seems very far fetched. --------------- I agree, but then I don't know much about alcoholism. I think Samantha mentioned in that same thread of his beer intake on other golf occasions .. I don't remember.. Also, she said he was loaded the last time they had sex .. I think that was when she was in the apt.
mem11363 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sam, I think you nailed it here. It actually would be ok if he dis-liked some aspects of your personality/behavior. That is true for all married couples. The real trouble here is that while he loves you in a very genuine way, he does not "like" you enough to engage in true conversation - be a good friend in the traditional sense. And you are every bit as hurt and angry, maybe more so about his lack of like, as he is about your lack of desire for him. There is an extraordinary irony here. As you have stated, many/most of the women your/his age find him desirable. And yet you do not. And I imagine most of the men you meet find you to be interesting, fun to talk to and likable. And yet he does not. I imagine most folks would find your principled stand against racism/discrimination to be rational, fair and well founded. And even those who disagreed with you as to the best remedy (whatever that might be) would respect your reasoning, your viewpoint and ultimately you as a person. And yet his reaction to you is consistently not respect, it is irritation. What is the best case scenario you realistically expect from your marriage? Specifically how happy do you think the two of you can be? A while back you posted a statement - forgive me for paraphrasing here - along the following lines: I have decided to stay married because divorce will hurt to many other people, especially my H, and my two children. This is my best guess based on where things stand: - A MC cannot help your H learn to like you or respect you. Sure they can improve the communication to some degree but the lack of like/respect will remain and will hurt just as much - Without the like/respect you will NEVER be able to desire him - NEVER - Without lots of touch/sex the two of you will grow increasingly depressed and / or angry. You will begin to DIS-like each other more over time. I believe this process is already in motion. Back to your kids. If they realized that together you are almost certain to be unhappy, and divorced you each have a legitimate shot at happiness, they would actually WANT you to divorce. Yes it will hurt them at first. But over time they will be better off having happy/sane parents as opposed to sad/angry parents. Now here is the hard part. I actually think you know all this - correction - have known all this for a long time. For a while I thought the idea of both of you working together - IC/MC to fix it had a chance. But the issues you describe are not only beyond the scope of therapy, they are etched in a 3 decade long interaction pattern. It is your marriage, and I understand the deep desire you have to fight for it. It just appears from this vantage point that you would have to radically alter, perhaps destroy large parts of who he is as a person, in order for him to be the guy you want. And perhaps the reverse is equally true. I DO NOT!!! Thank you cali. Which store??!! This does beg an interesting question -- and before I ask it, I will state XAP and I are completely over now. I don't think he will contact me again after that last exchange and if he did I would not respond. That being said, why does everyone insist XAP is not worth consideration or "doesn't matter?" Well, I guess what I'm asking are you just saying that about my XAP because of things I've said about him? Or is it the fact that it was an affair in general? I think sometimes affair partners actually have genuine deep feelings for one another as people, friends, etc. I know people say it's a fog or not a "real" relationship and although I know it's a relationship which started in deceit, sometimes I think love does develop. It's difficult to be dismissive with someone you've loved. Just my two cents. I did ask him and he said I had already responded. He said when I said I wanted more communication and intimacy that was my list. I had told my husband that and also that I think a lot of the problem was rooted in the fact he did the father/daughter thing for so long with me. I also said perhaps if we spend time communicating more, being friends, touching more without sex being expected, etc. it would help. Jeesh! I think I'm going to hide his scotch!! Fun times, right? I can tell you one thing -- that absolutely did NOT make me feel like having sex with him. blek..... I concur! Yeah, I did. As I've said before, I'm not going to flog myself all my life for making the poor decision to get married at 21 when I was not ready to be married. It's just too young. "Now what?" has been the question for a while and I do feel like I'm getting much closer to answering that. Yes, it was definitely a turn off. And you're right -- I absolutely cannot fake it until I make it. Hey Phoenix. I simply do not want to share what I say to my counselor. I'm going to IC to figure myself out and I'm sharing things with him in confidence -- many things I don't even say here -- and I am not willing to give up that privacy. We talk a lot when we go on walks, etc. I've certainly told him how I feel over the years -- except for the lack of attraction thing -- to the point of nausea. I even told him the other night that I'm not even sure what can be done about it and I would rather just go away and be by myself. He was adamant he did not want that to happen again. No, my husband doesn't know and he hasn't asked a thing about the affair or mentioned it since I told him. That's bizarre to me. I know I shouldn't be contacting the OM or him me. I don't think that's going to be an issue anymore. Hi mem. Hope you're doing well. When my husband was having his screaming fit I said to him that not only did I think he would prefer me to stay quiet when people say things I disagree with, but I also think he doesn't "like" me as a person. He said that wasn't true. I then said it seemed he didn't like my opinions or how I felt about things and that was a large part of who I am. He said he just doesn't like me saying things when it is something that is not going to change for a long time. He was referring to the policies at the country club. I asked him what would have happened if Rosa Parks felt that way? (Not comparing me to Rosa Parks, by the way -- but hopefully, making a point. ) I just don't have that gene that tells me I can't speak up respectfully when there are policies I think are blatantly discriminatory. And Hell -- I should certainly be able to discuss these things with my life partner!! Yes, it does make me angry. It makes me feel ignored which is how I have felt in many ways in my marriage. I don't mean ignored in the service sense -- he does so many things for me as you've pointed out above. I think he just does not know me. I know. I don't think I can do that anymore. Yes, I do have a problem now with it all. He kissed me some last night -- the first of any kind of sexually related stuff we've done in such a long time. It made me feel sad. That can't be a good sign. I know. I feel the same way. Thank you for your insight. WTF Joe? LOL Well WTF is going on is that I don't want to tell him what is going on in my counseling sessions. They are private. That's why I'm going to a counselor. I'll share what I want to share and I will not be pressured into telling him things I do not want to tell him. And no again about the XAP. He's not really the focus here anyway. Thank you Joe! I like you too. I think the beings stubborn part comes out of fear of getting myself back into the situation where I'm having sex when I really don't want to be there. It was absolutely awful psychologically for me over time. Now definitely is not the time for us to be having sex. Hi Jag. I enjoying varying opinions and people who don't think like me or agree with me. It's what makes the world go 'round. As to what you said, I suppose after all the years of acquiescing -- and yes, I know it was a choice(s) I made and am responsible for -- I don't have as much emotional give in me right now. I don't know. I don't think my husband would ever hit me. Hope not anyway. I used to volunteer for an abused women's shelter and one hit is all it would take for me to say sayonara. I think the XAP called to make himself feel like he was jilting me. As for his history as far as violence is concerned, I don't think he has had any. He does have several guns, a weird obsession with law enforcement and was diagnosed as hypervigilant. All strange and worrisome. In any event, we aren't talking anymore. Didn't even think of apps, although I have quite a few on my iPhone. I'm not real technologically savvy. Thank you! The last time he asked, I said to him straight out, "Honey, it's not normal to just leave without discussing it when I've told you I'm angry and when you've had such an angry drunken moment the night before." He then walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and said he was sorry, he was frustrated and he knew he behaved badly the night before. And then he left. I think that was his version of a discussion. Thanks jennie! I almost didn't recognize you. I'm starting to feel like you are right. If I decide to leave my marriage -- I think I will just not see anyone for a year or so. Maybe the best thing would be to take some time out for myself and figure out what I want out of life. Thanks for all the advice everyone.
rewe4reel Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 --------------- I agree, but then I don't know much about alcoholism. I think Samantha mentioned in that same thread of his beer intake on other golf occasions .. I don't remember.. Also, she said he was loaded the last time they had sex .. I think that was when she was in the apt. It sounds like the alcohol problem might be situational.
rewe4reel Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 She cannot divorce her husband because there is no where for her to go. Her relationship with her affair partner has become antagonistic. He was/is too immature for her. She has not mentioned any other potential relationship alternatives on the horizon. What quality of an economically-successful, emotionally-well adjusted man do you think she could realistically get if she intends to be truthful about why her marriage ended? Any man with other options would have to think very carefully before getting involved (more than in a superficial way) with someone with this kind of a walk-away history. She may be a very good person, but there's just too much risk in getting involved with a middle aged woman who walked out on her husband after 20+ years of marriage, had an affair with a younger man, broke up with the younger man and returned to her husband, went through the motions of reconciliation with the husband, but maintained secret contact with the affair partner. As to the physical aspect, she may be very hot for her age, but if she hasn't gone through menopause yet she will in the next few years. A man of her same age (late 40's) who is unencumbered will have lots of choices among a relatively wide age range of younger women. Her affair partner of choice was a man in his 30's. There's no reason to think a man of her age wouldn't have the same kind of sexual preference, i.e. for a younger woman. The notion that there is always some better option out there, than whatever imperfect option we currently have, is corrosive. The choices might be limited to other younger but equally immature men; men her own age who are looking for younger women, or women without her "relationship risk factors"; or most likely, substantially older men than herself, guys in their late 50's or early 60's, who she would probably not be interested in, at all. There's a reason why "most" or "many" other women in their peer group find her husband to be "attractive." Because objectively speaking, compared with the other options that are actually available to those women, he is attractive.
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I agree, the only reason Samantha would have for divorcing would seem to be for sex .. The one she would be attracted to - would probably not be a life partner .. Most importantly, I don't think it is a world of new beginnings.. Some will say they did better the second time around - others will say they just settled..
mem11363 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sam, The post below seems way wrong to me. Way way wrong. It seems to me this whole dislike plus lack of like means your H is not a good/best friend in some pretty core ways. This seems to be about way more than sex. I agree, the only reason Samantha would have for divorcing would seem to be for sex .. The one she would be attracted to - would probably not be a life partner .. Most importantly, I don't think it is a world of new beginnings.. Some will say they did better the second time around - others will say they just settled..
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sam, The post below seems way wrong to me. Way way wrong. It seems to me this whole dislike plus lack of like means your H is not a good/best friend in some pretty core ways. This seems to be about way more than sex. ----------------- Mem, there was an uprising the other night based on his drinking and frustrations for intimacy in their life.. And yes, absolutely Samantha seems liberal to me, her husband conservative.. However.. Samantha has disclosed a closeness with her husband - and that he has shown his love in many other ways..
rewe4reel Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sam, The post below seems way wrong to me. Way way wrong. It seems to me this whole dislike plus lack of like means your H is not a good/best friend in some pretty core ways. This seems to be about way more than sex. On the contrary, her husband is the very best friend that she has. He has stuck by her despite her betrayal of him and despite his anger. Despite the fact that she feels no attraction for him and he has not gotten sex from her for a long time. He is trying his best to save the marriage. A true friend is someone who sticks with you when the going gets tough. Judged by that standard, her husband is the only true friend that she has.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Cal, there's a big difference between celibacy (and sexual frustration) and alcoholism. This guy's an alcoholic. I think maybe what cali was saying was that sounds like this woman drove him to drink. I can relate to that, and I don't like alcohol at all.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Just popping in -- have had a really busy couple of days attending a hooding ceremony and graduation at a medical university. I would just like to say a few things: 1) my husband is not an alcoholic. Yes, he was drunk that night and enjoys beer when golfing and occasionally has a scotch or two at night -- not every night -- and he is quite physically active. Jeesh! 2) mem, if you thought that one post was something, you obviously missed the one below: She cannot divorce her husband because there is no where for her to go. LOL -- ummm, I'd be financially very stable, am an independent and intelligent woman and have a very large close family, plus quite a circle of friends. Her relationship with her affair partner has become antagonistic. He was/is too immature for her. She has not mentioned any other potential relationship alternatives on the horizon. It is is not antagonistic -- it is over. It happens. I'm a big girl. I don't need potential relationship alternatives on the horizon. In fact, should I go ahead and leave -- which I'm seriously considering -- I would prefer to spend about a year totally on my own -- no romantic relationship at all -- just to enjoy some me time. What quality of an economically-successful, emotionally-well adjusted man do you think she could realistically get if she intends to be truthful about why her marriage ended? Why do you think I'd be on a man hunt for a long term partner right away. And besides, dear, if someone delved into my past I'd be more than happy to say I had an affair after 26 years of marriage because I was extremely unhappy. I'd be glad to say why. How many perfect people do you think are out there? We all have things we have done of which we're not proud at one time or another. Any man with other options would have to think very carefully before getting involved (more than in a superficial way) with someone with this kind of a walk-away history. Oh yeah -- my big bad walk-away history -- dated a man six years, married him and has been married 27 years. We'll say 26 if you prefer not to count the affair year. That's some "walk-away" history. She may be a very good person, but there's just too much risk in getting involved with a middle aged woman who walked out on her husband after 20+ years of marriage, had an affair with a younger man, broke up with the younger man and returned to her husband, went through the motions of reconciliation with the husband, but maintained secret contact with the affair partner. Oh jeesh. Here I am middle aged and a harlot. Let's just put a scarlet A on my forehead tp. As to the physical aspect, she may be very hot for her age, but if she hasn't gone through menopause yet she will in the next few years.Oh horrors! Menopause! Can you be any MORE chauvanistic? You need therapy. A man of her same age (late 40's) who is unencumbered will have lots of choices among a relatively wide age range of younger women.Assuming all men prefer younger women? It sounds like you may be superficial. Her affair partner of choice was a man in his 30's. There's no reason to think a man of her age wouldn't have the same kind of sexual preference, i.e. for a younger woman. Well, just because the person I had an affair with happened to be 34, doesn't mean I am only attracted to younger men. That's a big assumption on your part. I mean I would have age parameters I think -- probably the young end being about the age of my affair partner and the older end being more around 10 years older than me. I'm 48. The notion that there is always some better option out there, than whatever imperfect option we currently have, is corrosive. The choices might be limited to other younger but equally immature men; men her own age who are looking for younger women, or women without her "relationship risk factors"; or most likely, substantially older men than herself, guys in their late 50's or early 60's, who she would probably not be interested in, at all. Goodness, you sure have a dismal outlook for me. ha,ha,ha There's a reason why "most" or "many" other women in their peer group find her husband to be "attractive." Because objectively speaking, compared with the other options that are actually available to those women, he is attractive.Well, hell yes he is. He's attractive to all sorts of women. Sam, The post below seems way wrong to me. Way way wrong. It seems to me this whole dislike plus lack of like means your H is not a good/best friend in some pretty core ways. This seems to be about way more than sex. It is about way more than sex. I think if the other things you and I have discussed were there -- friendship, intimacy, open communication and a general interest in one another's feelings and beliefs -- the sex thing very well may not be a problem at all. I know for me, I need it to be a about a lot more than just the physical. ----------------- Mem, there was an uprising the other night based on his drinking and frustrations for intimacy in their life.. And yes, absolutely Samantha seems liberal to me, her husband conservative.. However.. Samantha has disclosed a closeness with her husband - and that he has shown his love in many other ways.. My husband is conservative all the way around cali. I'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal -- a Libertarian, I suppose, if one wants to place a label on it. Dexter -- I've been driven to drink by a man also. It happens to the best of us. It is your marriage, and I understand the deep desire you have to fight for it. It just appears from this vantage point that you would have to radically alter, perhaps destroy large parts of who he is as a person, in order for him to be the guy you want. And perhaps the reverse is equally true. Yes, I feel this way also. It's frustrating. Thanks for your thoughts. Oh -- and one more thing -- Dexter -- I'm a member of the club because it's five minutes from our house and my husband begged me to become one because he loves to golf so much. I told him I didn't like their policies and absolutely balked when he said I had to go to a function with him so they could look us over. LOL I thought it was all insane. I did, however, give in and join with him because he truly loves to golf and wanted the convenience of the course being right near our home. It's easy for him to leave work, run home and change and head to the course in the late afternoons if he wants to shoot a quick nine or even 18.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 But nahhh.....I couldn't be right about this. His drinking is a symptom of the affair, and not a causative factor. like i said, im my case, I rarely drink, I hate the taste of it. I only drink once in a blue moon socially. but boy did I down some Jack after Dday, didn't last very long. And so let's all forget about my little observation. sounds good to me:) I was wrong to mention it. Let's keep things going just the way they've been going, because that's working so well. It wouldn't work worth a crap in Sam's situation any way you slice it...booze or no booze. The fact she isn't interested or attracted to her husband doesn't have anything to do with booze. That, in my opinion, is the cause of all the problems...not his drinking REACTION to not handling being betrayed. She even said herself that her H isn't an alcoholic. Wouldn't ya think it would be convenient for her to say he was and use that as an excuse?
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 One more thing I just remembered someone mentioned (can't remember who and I'm too tired to scroll back ) -- why have I still been in contact with my XAP and does my husband know? No, my husband didn't know. As I've said repeatedly, my husband has not asked me about my affair since I told him. I have not announced to him when my XAP has sent a text or called. Oh, and I also believe they said I led all of you to believe I wasn't in contact. I said he's my XAP, which he is -- no more sex going on or for that matter seeing each other. However, just like most everyone I've read about on this site and others about affairs -- the breaking off of the affair seems to take several attempts. We've been going down that slope a while now -- fighting/talking again/fighting/talking again, blah, blah, blah. We had been talking less and less and it seemed over until he called Monday night to announce why he was angry about it all once again. I don't blame him -- it has all made me feel the same way. I suppose that happens a lot with affairs.
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Cobalt, I don't know anything about alcololism .. And we don't know that much about Samantha's husband .. excepting for a few times she has mentioned his drinking.. But they say that Paul Newman put away a lot of beer .. would that make him an alcoholic ?
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 like i said, im my case, I rarely drink, I hate the taste of it. I only drink once in a blue moon socially. but boy did I down some Jack after Dday, didn't last very long. sounds good to me:) It wouldn't work worth a crap in Sam's situation any way you slice it...booze or no booze. The fact she isn't interested or attracted to her husband doesn't have anything to do with booze. That, in my opinion, is the cause of all the problems...not his drinking REACTION to not handling being betrayed. She even said herself that her H isn't an alcoholic. Wouldn't ya think it would be convenient for her to say he was and use that as an excuse? ------------------ I agree. The lack of attraction seems to be the primary problem ..
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 The guy's an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic before they met. He will always be an alcoholic (for the many of you who know nothing about this disease, he will be an alcoholic even if he gets sober and stops drinking). This is one of the major problems in the marriage. And it's made the OP sick as well. Even if I knew nothing about his drinking habits or behaviors (drunk or sober), there would be a 10% chance of his having the disease of alcoholism (yes, you read that right - 1 in 10 of the general pop are alcoholics). And they function quite well and quite highly - they're usually very popular, assiduous at work, and no one suspects a thing. It's their families that suffer - they come home and the dysfunction starts. But nahhh.....I couldn't be right about this. His drinking is a symptom of the affair, and not a causative factor. And so let's all forget about my little observation. I was wrong to mention it. Let's keep things going just the way they've been going, because that's working so well. Ummmm, no he isn't. I can't spell it out much more clearly than that. He's been drunk before. I've been drunk before. If you count Jack and Coke from our high school days, we've definitely been extremely drunk before. He doesn't drink every night and he hardly ever gets intoxicated. He does like his beer when he golfs and occasional scotch. Have you had some sort of experience with an alcoholic which makes you think others are possibly? It's not always the case. Even if one in 10 of the general population are alcoholics, just because my husband enjoys an occasional alcoholic beverage and maybe once every few years gets all out intoxicated doesn't make him an alcoholic. The last time before the above mentioned episode I remember him getting drunk was when we were in Scotland a few years ago -- and well, Hell, they took us to a Scottish man's home and he was cranking out fancy scotch like water. He worked for MaCallan. I think he was trying to kill the Americans !!
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 ------------------ I agree. The lack of attraction seems to be the primary problem .. Yes, but that isn't necessarily rooted completely in sex. Perhaps the lack of other things I've discussed (and mem has agreed to chime in on) CAUSE the lack of attraction.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 One more thing I just remembered someone mentioned (can't remember who and I'm too tired to scroll back ) -- why have I still been in contact with my XAP and does my husband know? No, my husband didn't know. As I've said repeatedly, my husband has not asked me about my affair since I told him. I have not announced to him when my XAP has sent a text or called. then MC is a waste of time if you are still in contact with the OM. and because he doesn't know it, counseling is a waste of time for your husband because he is working on things under false pretenses. Oh, and I also believe they said I led all of you to believe I wasn't in contact. I said he's my XAP, which he is -- no more sex going on or for that matter seeing each other. doesn't matter, if you are to be working on the M and going to counseling, there needs to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with your X side penis.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 On the contrary, her husband is the very best friend that she has. He has stuck by her despite her betrayal of him and despite his anger. Despite the fact that she feels no attraction for him and he has not gotten sex from her for a long time. He is trying his best to save the marriage. A true friend is someone who sticks with you when the going gets tough. Judged by that standard, her husband is the only true friend that she has. The only true friend? How did you come to that conclusion just out of curiosity? People certainly make some broad assumptions here at times. How could you possibly know that is the case?
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Cobalt, I don't know anything about alcololism .. And we don't know that much about Samantha's husband .. excepting for a few times she has mentioned his drinking.. But they say that Paul Newman put away a lot of beer .. would that make him an alcoholic ? All I can say is he is my very most favorite actor, was extremely attractive and I'm so sad he passed away!! I love him!
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 then MC is a waste of time if you are still in contact with the OM. and because he doesn't know it, counseling is a waste of time for your husband because he is working on things under false pretenses. I'm not getting marriage counseling and neither is my husband. We are each seeking IC. doesn't matter, if you are to be working on the M and going to counseling, there needs to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with your X side penis. I consider him an XAP and someone I cared about very much. He was never a side penis because he was the only penis when he was the penis. LOL That's some way to put it though. I don't mean to be a smart ass, but if you're going to put it out there like one I suppose it's fine for me to respond in kind. I haven't talked to the XAP since he called to scream on Monday. As for the marriage, I don't know that I feel like we are working on it right now. I'm still in a state of not really knowing what I want to do. I know that infuriates some -- or at least disgusts them -- but it is where I am at as far as the marriage is concerned at the present moment.
califnan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 All I can say is he is my very most favorite actor, was extremely attractive and I'm so sad he passed away!! I love him! --------------------- I liked all of his movies too.. "Hud" was Great .. ha. (Could never understand his attraction for Joanne Woodward - he even dumped his wife for her.)
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 However, just like most everyone I've read about on this site and others about affairs -- the breaking off of the affair seems to take several attempts. We've been going down that slope a while now -- fighting/talking again/fighting/talking again, blah, blah, blah. We had been talking less and less and it seemed over until he called Monday night to announce why he was angry about it all once again. I don't blame him -- it has all made me feel the same way. I suppose that happens a lot with affairs. It does take several attempts Sam. It did for me anyway. It sounds like your XAP really loved you, otherwise he would not have such anger. These affairs are so detrimental. I feel like I will forever be scarred from mine. Whatever it is Sam I hope you find REAL happiness on the other side of this no matter how it ends up.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I consider him an XAP and someone I cared about very much. He was never a side penis because he was the only penis when he was the penis. LOL oh, well then I'm glad you see it in such beautiful terms and can laugh about it. I'm sure your husband wouldn't find it so funny you are so laissez faire about it. Why don't you just quit putting off the inevitable? You don't love your H, I don't care how much you might say you do, you aren't attracted to him, never will be again, and are just going through the motions for some stupid reason. Why don't you just set him free. Its obvious, because he still doesn't know the truth about you, that he doesn't know what is best for him right now. that is unless anyone out there thinks that its best for a man to stay with a wife and doesn't know just how precious his wife thinks the OM is, and truly isn't attracted to him to almost make it look like she is downright repulsed by her H. if he knew just how you really felt, unless he's a spineless lapdog, he'd go see an attorney first thing the next day. That's some way to put it though. I don't mean to be a smart ass, but if you're going to put it out there like one I suppose it's fine for me to respond in kind. no, because, although your H doesn't know it, you just added insult to injury and showed us just how insignificant your husband is to you. you aren't smiting us with your comments, you are smiting and disrespecting him with them....no hair off my ass.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 oh, well then I'm glad you see it in such beautiful terms and can laugh about it. I'm sure your husband wouldn't find it so funny you are so laissez faire about it. I'm not laughing about it -- I'm laughing at the way you word your posts -- and not even in an ugly way -- I find them humorous. I'm not laissez faire about it. I did care about my XAP and did not and will not ever think of him as a "side penis." Why don't you just quit putting off the inevitable? You don't love your H, I don't care how much you might say you do, you aren't attracted to him, never will be again, and are just going through the motions for some stupid reason.I do love him very much. I think I'm not in love with him. I'm not sure where it's all going to go. Why don't you just set him free. Its obvious, because he still doesn't know the truth about you, that he doesn't know what is best for him right now. He hasn't asked me to set him free yet and I'm not sure that's the best course of action -- that's why. that is unless anyone out there thinks that its best for a man to stay with a wife and doesn't know just how precious his wife thinks the OM is, and truly isn't attracted to him to almost make it look like she is downright repulsed by her H. if he knew just how you really felt, unless he's a spineless lapdog, he'd go see an attorney first thing the next day.Well, I don't think he is a spineless lap dog. I don't know if telling him I'm sexually not attracted to him is the way to go. If I leave, I will more than likely tell him it is me that has the problem. I don't think my XAP is precious, I just don't hate him. I think he had more cons than pros -- but I did/do care about him as a person and I don't want to bash him. I think my husband has more pros than cons and -- obviously -- more pros than me or my XAP given our affair. no, because, although your H doesn't know it, you just added insult to injury and showed us just how insignificant your husband is to you. you aren't smiting us with your comments, you are smiting and disrespecting him with them....no hair off my ass.Well good. I'd hate to be waxing your ass. I have not once said my husband is insignificant to me -- I think more the opposite.
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