califnan Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I think we were so young we just didn't know what we were doing in the beginning. I don't know why we never figured it out well with each other. . ----------------------- Samantha, You were 21 yrs old not 13. .. Marriage is under God.. In marriage He makes the two into one - even in arranged marriages. "Attraction" is our the window. He is your Husband. You are his helpmeet. (Women's lib is also out the window) ..
califnan Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 ----------------------- Samantha, You were 21 yrs old not 13. .. Marriage is under God.. In marriage He makes the two into one - even in arranged marriages. "Attraction" is out the window. He is your Husband. You are his helpmeet. (Women's lib is also out the window) .. ------ edit: out the window
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 ----------------------- Samantha, You were 21 yrs old not 13. .. Marriage is under God.. In marriage He makes the two into one - even in arranged marriages. "Attraction" is our the window. He is your Husband. You are his helpmeet. (Women's lib is also out the window) .. Sorry cali -- but I'm not a sacrificial lamb. I don't think attraction is "out the window" -- it's a big factor to me -- along with intimacy. I do know I was 21 -- met him at 14. I may have just as well been 13 given my experience and maturity level at the time. Being the 14th child (baby) did effect me in some respects as I was "the baby." I'm sure there are plenty of people who got married at a very young age who later divorced. I understand the biblical viewpoint on marriage.
califnan Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Sorry cali -- but I'm not a sacrificial lamb. I don't think attraction is "out the window" -- it's a big factor to me -- along with intimacy. I do know I was 21 -- met him at 14. I may have just as well been 13 given my experience and maturity level at the time. Being the 14th child (baby) did effect me in some respects as I was "the baby." I'm sure there are plenty of people who got married at a very young age who later divorced. I understand the biblical viewpoint on marriage. ------------------ I was a 22 yr old virgin, as well .. and yes the marriage did end in divorce. And I know for a fact Samantha, that my marriage ended because it did not have God in it (neither of us) .. I'm lazy right now, to get into God's Word, to point out the woman's role / the man's role in marriage.. But I believe that as the woman fulfills her role, the man fulfills his - and viceversa - thus God's Word - no $$$ for counselors.. so kill me ...
BB07 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Samantha........this is my personal view of attraction and it's pretty simplistic. You either feel it or you don't. I don't think you can will it into being if it's not there to start with. If you once had it, I do think it can be resurrected if the problems that caused the loss are addressed and solved. I may be way off here, but you must have had some spark for him before and when you were first married, or else I don't think you would have married him. (Tell us how you felt then.....please) It's likely that since you both were inexperienced and possibly clumsy with the skills that there was something done to you that was a huge turnoff, maybe repeatably. What do you think? We ladies get ourselves into so much trouble when we remain passive and just suck it up and don't tell someone what we really want and need, don't we? And.........yes I've been there.
jennie-jennie Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Samantha........this is my personal view of attraction and it's pretty simplistic. You either feel it or you don't. I don't think you can will it into being if it's not there to start with. If you once had it, I do think it can be resurrected if the problems that caused the loss are addressed and solved. I may be way off here, but you must have had some spark for him before and when you were first married, or else I don't think you would have married him. (Tell us how you felt then.....please) It's likely that since you both were inexperienced and possibly clumsy with the skills that there was something done to you that was a huge turnoff, maybe repeatably. What do you think? We ladies get ourselves into so much trouble when we remain passive and just suck it up and don't tell someone what we really want and need, don't we? And.........yes I've been there. My experience, coming from a more sexually liberated country and thus likely having had more sexual partners than many others on LS, is that wanting to have sex once with a guy says nothing, it is if I continue to want sex with him that it tells something. I can be initially attracted, but I really don't know if the attraction will persist until I have had actual intercourse with him. Thus, never get married without trying out the guy first! I think that is the mistake you made, Samantha.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) ------------------ I was a 22 yr old virgin, as well .. and yes the marriage did end in divorce. And I know for a fact Samantha, that my marriage ended because it did not have God in it (neither of us) .. I'm lazy right now, to get into God's Word, to point out the woman's role / the man's role in marriage.. But I believe that as the woman fulfills her role, the man fulfills his - and viceversa - thus God's Word - no $$$ for counselors.. so kill me ... Well, I don't want to kill you. I understand your views. I taught young marrieds in Sunday school for years. I also taught second graders -- I think I liked them better. No need to get into God's word in depth, in other words. I know what the Bible says on the subject. This is off topic, but I'm always amazed at how many people go after homosexuals as being sinners yet there are so many people out there who are perfectly okay with themselves getting divorced (not meaning you here) for reasons other than those listed as acceptable in the Bible and then remarrying. I'm just thinking of my son here and how much it bothers me he can't legally be married. In any event, there are a lot of double standards in how people choose to interpret the Bible. I, personally, think it's a civil rights violation to stop people from getting married because they are homosexual and that is all that should be considered. I'm sure it will come around some day and the laws will be changed. Samantha........this is my personal view of attraction and it's pretty simplistic. You either feel it or you don't. I don't think you can will it into being if it's not there to start with. If you once had it, I do think it can be resurrected if the problems that caused the loss are addressed and solved. I may be way off here, but you must have had some spark for him before and when you were first married, or else I don't think you would have married him. (Tell us how you felt then.....please) It's likely that since you both were inexperienced and possibly clumsy with the skills that there was something done to you that was a huge turnoff, maybe repeatably. What do you think? We ladies get ourselves into so much trouble when we remain passive and just suck it up and don't tell someone what we really want and need, don't we? And.........yes I've been there. I was attracted to him as a person and a friend. I had no idea I wasn't going to like sex with him. And yes, we do get into trouble. This is personal -- but Hell's bells I've said everything else here for some reason -- when we made love earlier in our marriage, I would try to "help" him know when he was just in the wrong spot down there by moving his hand over a bit gently. Well, he would take my hand and sling it back on the mattress like it bothered/frustrated him I was offering direction. My hand would bounce on the mattress. LOL I didn't think it was funny when I was enduring it, but for some reason it makes me giggle now if I'm talking with girlfriends and we discuss our sex lives. I mean WTH? He did that so many times I almost snorted during sex as time went on. It's weird because I would have no problem verbalizing now with someone else. I certainly did not with my XAP. But you see, it never felt awkward. Plus, I think the awkwardness with me and my husband built up over time. We started that way and never overcame it -- it became a pattern. It's hard to describe. I know I sound cold. I don't mean to. I feel kind of detached about it all. Maybe I stayed silent for too long. My experience, coming from a more sexually liberated country and thus likely having had more sexual partners than many others on LS, is that wanting to have sex once with a guy says nothing, it is if I continue to want sex with him that it tells something. I can be initially attracted, but I really don't know if the attraction will persist until I have had actual intercourse with him. Thus, never get married without trying out the guy first! I think that is the mistake you made, Samantha. I know Jennie. That was a big mistake on my part. I did think I was attracted. Plus, I was a very young 21. I have a good friend from Amsterdam -- she's 26. She seems so much more mature to me than most American 26 year old young women. It may be cultural. In any event, looking back at my youth and how I felt about getting married was that it was kind of like doing what I was supposed to do and exciting also -- as it was almost fairytale like. I remember feeling like I was playing house the first year. Hell, I was excited to have some space and my own bathroom after growing up in a house with 16 people living in it. I didn't have to "take a number" in order to take a shower, etc. anymore. Edited May 29, 2010 by Samantha0905
turnera Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Maybe you're not attracted to your H because your sex with him was never good for you.
BB07 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I was attracted to him as a person and a friend. I had no idea I wasn't going to like sex with him. And yes, we do get into trouble. This is personal -- but Hell's bells I've said everything else here for some reason -- when we made love earlier in our marriage, I would try to "help" him know when he was just in the wrong spot down there by moving his hand over a bit gently. Well, he would take my hand and sling it back on the mattress like it bothered/frustrated him I was offering direction. My hand would bounce on the mattress. LOL I didn't think it was funny when I was enduring it, but for some reason it makes me giggle now if I'm talking with girlfriends and we discuss our sex lives. I mean WTH? He did that so many times I almost snorted during sex as time went on. It's weird because I would have no problem verbalizing now with someone else. I certainly did not with my XAP. But you see, it never felt awkward. Plus, I think the awkwardness with me and my husband built up over time. We started that way and never overcame it -- it became a pattern. It's hard to describe. I know I sound cold. I don't mean to. I feel kind of detached about it all. Maybe I stayed silent for too long. You don't sound cold Samantha, but I do think that you've repressed a lot of anger and dissatisfaction over the years. I also think you gave up quite a long time ago on having what you wanted and needed with your hubby and the affair happened because of that. Perhaps there is just too much water under the bridge for it to ever be fixed. Funny you should mention how when you would try to offer assistance to your hubby as to where and what was needed when making love, it made him angry and don't fool yourself, it did make him angry, hence his reaction. I know exactly what you are saying because I experienced the exact same thing with a previous lover myself. IMO.....it shows a complete lack of caring and no understanding or regard for what YOU wanted and needed. To a man like this..it's about silly manly pride, selfishness, and they believe that no improvement on their lovemaking skills is needed. In other words.....talk about head up ass syndrome. No wonder you were starved for love and pleasurable contact. When that happened to me with my previous lover, it really pissed me off, didn't it piss you off at the time? Also in your post above....you used the word endure. Endure is not a word that should be in the lovemaking dictionary. Samantha.......my heart goes out to you. I see some of myself in you and I think I get where you are coming from. You are scared......you don't know if a different life would be better than the one you have now, it's a risk, but something totally unforeseen could blow up your whole life tomorrow. You don't want to hurt the people you love....and yes I believe you love your hubby, but I don't think you two were ever compatible and I do think there is probably too much water under the bridge at this point in time.....barring a miracle of course. Samantha.....your children are grown, they are going to love you no matter what you do. Yes they will be upset and it may be hard for them to understand but they are adults and you can not protect them from pain forever. Life is going to knock them for a few loops...it's just the way it works. They will survive and you are not responsible for their happiness. If you could rid yourself of all the fears and take everyone else out of the picture........what does your soul really tell you that you need and want? Hugs.....BB
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