Owl Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sam, I'm going to offer one last bit of advice, and after that I'm outta things to say. Consider my signature. Consider it very carefully. Where it came from is irrelevent...the bottom line is that it's really a fundamental truth in a lot of ways. People that "try"....fail. If you want to succeed...don't "try". DO. Or Do not. Stop trying...because what you're really doing here is giving yourself the excuse to fail...which is what I think you really want here. You don't want your marriage to recover. You don't want to reconnect with your husband. Emotionally and mentally you have moved on already...for whatever reasons. You're just going through the motions right now to salve your ego, to let yourself have the out of saying "well, I tried". Stop trying. Either decide to do...or decide to do not. Anything less is just mental gymnastics to make yourself feel better when it doesn't work out. Be adult about this and go about it without that emotional crutch. That's it. I'm done. Good luck.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Samantha did you read the article in Reader's Digest that I suggested? Your husbands lack of a sex drive may be medical. He has drive -- just doesn't last long at all. Everyone I've discussed this with thinks it's from not masturbating? In any event, I did check out the article and I do think it could possibly be medical. He has always made announcements like, "I'm glad I don't have that problem!" I think he may be unaware of the issue or either is hypersensitive about it? I understand it's an uncomfortable thing to discuss with a doctor and probably with me. Well, I mean when we were having regular sex I'm sure he would have had a problem discussing it. I know I did.
ComputerJock Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 OWL your right on. I noticed she has a lot to say but very little to back it up...Her actions speak louder then words, an affair, sex problems that she doesn't want to bring up, lack of any backbone. She cheated, but is comfortable with not telling her husband. Do you think that is the reason for his outbursts, he knows she cheated but loves her too much to confront her? What do you think, OWL?
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Sam, I'm going to offer one last bit of advice, and after that I'm outta things to say. Consider my signature. Consider it very carefully. Where it came from is irrelevent...the bottom line is that it's really a fundamental truth in a lot of ways. People that "try"....fail. If you want to succeed...don't "try". DO. Or Do not. Stop trying...because what you're really doing here is giving yourself the excuse to fail...which is what I think you really want here. You don't want your marriage to recover. You don't want to reconnect with your husband. Emotionally and mentally you have moved on already...for whatever reasons. You're just going through the motions right now to salve your ego, to let yourself have the out of saying "well, I tried". Stop trying. Either decide to do...or decide to do not. Anything less is just mental gymnastics to make yourself feel better when it doesn't work out. Be adult about this and go about it without that emotional crutch. That's it. I'm done. Good luck. Thanks Owl. Yesterday, I actually thought about what you just posted. I was mulling over my half-hearted effort as pointed out by you. There really has to be a 100% commitment. I know I'm moving in slow motion in making my decisions. I want us to be happier. I know I have to commit 100% and not just let things keep going the way they have been. I also can't be in a relationship where I don't have physical attraction or intimacy. The scary thing has been if I jump in and give it an all out effort, am I just wasting years again? I suppose the age thing is a factor. I keep thinking I only have so many years left in me to have wild and enjoyable sex, along with developing an intimate relationship. In any event, I know there has to be a total commitment from me and I need to get this show on the road.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 OWL your right on. I noticed she has a lot to say but very little to back it up...Her actions speak louder then words, an affair, sex problems that she doesn't want to bring up, lack of any backbone. She cheated, but is comfortable with not telling her husband. Do you think that is the reason for his outbursts, he knows she cheated but loves her too much to confront her? What do you think, OWL? CJ, I did tell my husband about the affair..... Once again, he has not had much to say about that either -- which I found odd. He seemed to want to just move on after the initial revelation and not discuss it. Everything I have read says the BS has a complete obsession with the details. None of that has happened here. He didn't even ask who.
ComputerJock Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I'm sorry to hear he didn't want to know the details. I can think of a few reasons why: It wasn't a surprise, maybe he spotted the AP's car at your apartment when you were separated and put two and two together. He has given up on the marriage and is just going through the motions because his heart has died. He has something on the side and is surprised you haven't found out. He had a revenge affair so the details of your affair don't intrest him, he has his own details. He has emotionly separated himself from you and can give a hoots a$$ what you do or who you screw. Have you thought about bringing up the idea of swinging. I'm 63 years old, retired, and a widower and thought I had seen everything until I started research for a book and came up these sites that discuss the aftermath of affairs.
turnera Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 CJ, I did tell my husband about the affair..... Once again, he has not had much to say about that either -- which I found odd. He seemed to want to just move on after the initial revelation and not discuss it. Everything I have read says the BS has a complete obsession with the details. None of that has happened here. He didn't even ask who. Which says legions about his dysfunction where you are concerned. He may be terrified of losing you. He may have personal issues that make him put mental walls around bad things so he never 'looks' at them (I do this); he starts to 'look over there' at that issue, averts his eyes, and goes somewhere else. But it is key information! You need to be telling your therapists this.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Which says legions about his dysfunction where you are concerned. He may be terrified of losing you. He may have personal issues that make him put mental walls around bad things so he never 'looks' at them (I do this); he starts to 'look over there' at that issue, averts his eyes, and goes somewhere else. But it is key information! You need to be telling your therapists this. His counselor has been working with him about how he throws up "walls" and has a failure to communicate. He said my husband even does it with him and it's very difficult to get information out of him if he continues to refuse to communicate. His counselor says he's afraid of something and they need to figure out why. He's been trying to get him to communicate better. I don't know how that is going..... My husband admits he throws up these walls and has not been comfortable with letting people get too close. He also said he's simply not interested in having close relationships with people. He said he guesses he's fine with things not being that intimate. I don't think men discuss things with their friends like women do though -- do they? I apologize for the generalization, but from what I've observed there appears to be a lot of back slapping and surface talk (sports, work numbers/performance, women in terms of sex only, etc.) -- but no talk about real issues. I did tell my counselor. He said it's very unusual because generally men want details. He agreed it's definitely a serious lack of communication issue.
JustJoe Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sam, I think that if you put 100% effort into this intimacy thing , you will get results. Both of you have to work on this, however. There are many proven methods that will allow him to "go the distance", but without some kind of meaningful dialogue between you, he will never know to try them. You have a lot of issues to face, together. Yet your husband is working from plan A while you are working from plan B. There is only one way to rebuild a relationship, with openess, honesty and communication (plan C.) Until you BOTH are willing to do that, you will remain in limbo, with no end in sight. You aren't getting any younger, so now is the time to get to work. I agree with Owl , you need to make the decision, and follow through. I wish you luck
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 I'm sorry to hear he didn't want to know the details. I can think of a few reasons why: It wasn't a surprise, maybe he spotted the AP's car at your apartment when you were separated and put two and two together. Doubtful. I lived in a condo at a shopping complex. Hard to detect cars in that situation.... Plus, it had a secure entry -- people had to be buzzed into the lobby. He has given up on the marriage and is just going through the motions because his heart has died. I don't think he has given up, but I do think he has a lot of heart pain. He has something on the side and is surprised you haven't found out. I know some may think I'm naive -- but I highly doubt it. It just isn't in his character. And yes, I'm saying I exhibited very bad character in having the affair. You'd have to meet him. I just don't think so. He made me wait for sex until we got married. He had a revenge affair so the details of your affair don't intrest him, he has his own details. See above.... He has emotionly separated himself from you and can give a hoots a$$ what you do or who you screw. I don't think so. He is emotionally guarded with me now, but I don't think he's completely separated and I definitely think he gives a rat's ass.... Have you thought about bringing up the idea of swinging. Now you're really off base about him -- well, and me. I'm not knocking swinging, it's just not my cup of tea. I know Christians fail -- I'm a Christian -- but my husband gets up every morning and does a devotional and prays. I don't think swinging is in his realm of desires or possibilities. I'm 63 years old, retired, and a widower and thought I had seen everything until I started research for a book and came up these sites that discuss the aftermath of affairs. They are interesting reading....
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Sam, I think that if you put 100% effort into this intimacy thing , you will get results. Both of you have to work on this, however. There are many proven methods that will allow him to "go the distance", but without some kind of meaningful dialogue between you, he will never know to try them. You have a lot of issues to face, together. Yet your husband is working from plan A while you are working from plan B. There is only one way to rebuild a relationship, with openess, honesty and communication (plan C.) Until you BOTH are willing to do that, you will remain in limbo, with no end in sight. You aren't getting any younger, so now is the time to get to work. I agree with Owl , you need to make the decision, and follow through. I wish you luck Thanks Joe. I agree with you. Eureka! It's fun when we occasionally are in agreement. I'm just being silly and picking in jest -- I hope you know that.
turnera Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Have you ever read up about toxic shame? He seems a perfect candidate for that being his issue. I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, and it was a real eye-opener.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 His counselor has been working with him about how he throws up "walls" and has a failure to communicate. has your counselor discussed your failure to communicate as well?
JustJoe Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I know ,Sam. Sometimes I want to shake you, sometimes I want to kiss you. You are very frustrating!:D
califnan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 has your counselor discussed your failure to communicate as well? --------------------- Amazing to me that you (Samantha) are one of the Most communicative posters. You will go through the trouble of describing some things that others wouldn't.. And interesting that you can discuss with those (some of which you haven't talked to before - or strangers), rather than your husband. Truely there is a real breakdown in communication there - unless you have tried to say things to him.. Or as you have mentioned before, it is because there is anonimity.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Have you ever read up about toxic shame? He seems a perfect candidate for that being his issue. I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, and it was a real eye-opener. No, I haven't. I will look it up. Thanks. has your counselor discussed your failure to communicate as well? Yes, he has. That's what we were discussing when he said I was going to have to open up more to my husband and be willing to break his heart. There's another big reason, CJ: He knows they are sexually mismatched. I don't know whether he knows that or not...... I know ,Sam. Sometimes I want to shake you, sometimes I want to kiss you. You are very frustrating!:D ha,ha -- thanks Joe! I actually feel that way about myself sometimes. --------------------- Amazing to me that you (Samantha) are one of the Most communicative posters. You will go through the trouble of describing some things that others wouldn't.. And interesting that you can discuss with those (some of which you haven't talked to before - or strangers), rather than your husband. Truely there is a real breakdown in communication there - unless you have tried to say things to him.. Or as you have mentioned before, it is because there is anonimity. Thanks cali. Actually, my counselor told me when I communicate how I feel to him I seem very open, candid, understandable and express myself in a way that is not confrontational. I have tried to talk to my husband about many of the issues in our marriage -- just not the lack of sexual attraction. I really think if some of the other issues were improved, the attraction may come. I think I've been trying to express my issues in this marriage since we went to the marriage counselor the first time after ten years of marriage.
califnan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 --------------------- Amazing to me that you (Samantha) are one of the Most communicative posters. You will go through the trouble of describing some things that others wouldn't.. And interesting that you can discuss with those (some of which you haven't talked to before - or strangers), rather than your husband. Truely there is a real breakdown in communication there - unless you have tried to say things to him.. Or as you have mentioned before, it is because there is anonimity. --------------------------- Never mind this last statement.. Communication: I would say things on here that I wouldn't necessarily volunteer to others - unless asked .. I think either Samantha's husband is not detail minded - or he doesn't wish to ask.
ComputerJock Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 There's another big reason, CJ: He knows they are sexually mismatched. So how do they both get on the same score card, jthorne? Seems to me the game may already be over, but I sure hope to God not. Any marriage that fails is tragic for all involved.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Yes, he has. That's what we were discussing when he said I was going to have to open up more to my husband and be willing to break his heart. for once I agree with a therapist here. otherwise your husband's short time on this planet is being wasted as long as he doesn't have the knowledge to make decisions about how his life should turn out.
califnan Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 What does God say about wife's ..... Under "Spirituality & Religious Beliefs" .. "What does God say about wifes.... ".. Read Lovely Bird's entry on the thread.. God's Word makes MC obsolete.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Here's another. Haven't heard her in a while. Yes, that's a good tune -- very sad.
Author Samantha0905 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 What does God say about wife's ..... Under "Spirituality & Religious Beliefs" .. "What does God say about wifes.... ".. Read Lovely Bird's entry on the thread.. God's Word makes MC obsolete. I read it. I agree with what Lovely Bird said.
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