This week's counseling session......

May 26, 2010

I disagree. The Bible says that the man should be the "head" of the body of the marriage. That he should provide the leadership and guidance in the relationship. And the woman should respect him.

If he DOESN'T provide that leadership, she's not going to respect him.

(And this is exactly what we're seeing here)

He's not providing leadership, as a result she has no respect for him...and so her loves dwindles.

Had he followed the biblical roadmap for marriage...she would respect him, and her love for him could/would grow.

I don't see why you feel this doesn't fit?

----------------------

He was showing leadership when he said he thought it was time to go home .. she didn't think it was time. .. They are pulling in two diff directions..

When he tries to be accomodating to Samantha, that is showing love and respect .. A man doesn't need to be dominating to earn his wife's respect.

May 26, 2010

If you resent assignments that are ultimately intended to rebuild your marriage and potentially restore your marital 'intimate' relationship...what does that tell you?

Again...either choose to REALLY work on the marriage...or choose to take steps to end it.

You're keep saying you're not ready to end it....but you're also insisting on not taking the actions needed to fix it.

What you're really doing is nothing. Nothing to fix the marriage, nothing to end the marriage.

You're hoping that this whole thing will resolve itself without any action from you.

What exactly are you hoping to hear from posters here on LS?

I'm not hoping to hear anything. I post what is going on in my counseling sessions and read any commentary -- but I'm not looking to LS to solve my life problems. It's interesting reading the thoughts of others and also reading about their experiences.

I do feel rather like I'm doing nothing at this point.

When my husband went to counseling he said it was for him and not about our marriage. Perhaps that's why I resent his counselor sending me assignments, along with the fact he is a counselor at a Southern Baptist church.

May 26, 2010

i agree with this. respect is such a big factor in attraction.

i think to move out and consider the future on your own might give you clarity. to be honest with your H may not be possible until you have more clarity by being on your own. it's hard to be honest with another if we truly aren't sure how we feel - so this may bring you some growth.

either way - to do nothing out of fear of change will certainly do nothing except keep you and your H stuck in a cycle of confusion and anger. a move would allow the distance mentally to process changes and approaching life in the future with or without being married. see how it goes - for you and for him. give it enough time to instill changes and what that looks like for you and for him - time to see what you want and what he may want... then take action on being honest with him once you are out.

if it feels good to be away - tell him. if it feels scary, or uncomfortable to be away - tell him that too. by being honest - you would be forcing the relationship to grow to its' next phase of development 0 whatever that is supposed to be when you stop the pretending.

Thanks sunny. When I moved back home from living in the apartment he asked how I felt about it and I told him I wasn't happy about it and felt stressed. So, sometimes we communicate at least bits of something.

May 26, 2010

I have to say I didn't read all of the posts, but, I did read the first few pages and I have to say I find you to be a very cold person from what I have read.

No, you cannot make yourself feel for someone what you don't. You can't make yourself be attracted to someone that you are not. In my opinion.

I just don't understand why your husband is being such a glutton for punishment from you. And I don't see how you could be such a cruel and hurtful wife. To me, it seems as if you liked him and maybe what he could do for you; but you never had any real feelings for him in the ways that I spouse should.

I feel sorry for both of you because you are just wasting each others time on this earth. You both could be happy either alone or maybe could have found the real loves of your lives by now. However, you two continue to want to hurt for some unknown reason.

May 26, 2010

Note to others: Another entirely made up post about my life from a poster who doesn't even know the real story. It amazes me how you make things up and then make comments about the story you just made up. Really?

QUOTE]

----------------------

I think people should ask questions about things they do not know or remember .. But should not adlib or asume things.

I think so also.

Sam,First off, I have no dog in this hunt. What you do is what you do. But, if you will look at your last few responses, to me, and other posters, you seem to automatically disagree with anyone , who counsels open-ness with your H. It's almost a knee-jerk reaction with you. Right now, you are being secretive , evasive, and un-responsive with your H. Have you had any positive results from this course of action? Examples are your unwillingness to share information from your IC sessions with him, your refusal to talk to him about the lack of attraction, and your continuing contact with the MM (which H doesn't know about). When you told H about the A, what happened? He began counselling. Every time you have been open with him, he has responded in a positive manner. What this should tell you is that openess works far better than continued deceit. I believe that if you would talk to him, like you talk to us, in a straight-forward, honest manner, pretty much all of your issues CAN be solved. Even the attraction issue. Your H is only human, he can't even try to help fix a problem that he doesn't know about.

Well, if by counseling openness you are referring to people who think I should just announce I'm not sexually attracted to him -- I do disagree. If I can't work that out, I should just leave -- I don't think I need to take him out emotionally when I do.

I don't know how he would "fix" me not being sexually attracted to him anyway.

And I'm not "automatically" disagreeing. I'm stating when I do disagree. We all feel certain ways about things. You're allowed to and I'm allowed to. I'm not being smart ass either -- I simply don't get why I'm thought of as doing something I shouldn't be doing if I disagree with a poster's suggestion.

BTW, I don't think that you are intentionally being evasive. It seems to be almost an unconscious thing. Maybe at your next session, you can discuss your motives with your counselor, maybe she will have some insight, I hope so.

Thanks Joe. When I talk to my counselor he said it may be that I am going to have to break my husband's heart. He said sometimes people break each others' hearts. He was stating that when telling me I would be giving up an important part of myself if I agreed to having sex with someone I don't feel physically attracted to. He also said he wasn't suggesting I could never feel physically attracted to my husband. He said there may be some things my husband could change about himself which would make me feel more physically attracted to him. Now, he didn't mean personal physical changes -- he was referring to my husband changing how he interacts with me as his spouse. After he said all of that, he said it was highly unlikely he would change or that I would become attracted. That wasn't very encouraging.

...I think if samantha told him how she felt about him from since the begining of her marriage, then it would seriously cause her H to re-evaluate the whole marriage. maybe he would even leave her.

I mean why stay with a woman who's constantly fighting uphill, to not better herself with telling the truth.

You need to stop being defensive sam. Stop being smug, stop being sarcastic.

You dont seem to realize even now, your marriage is on the line!!!

IT'll all come to a head one day...you'll see.

Well, I'm sure it will Chrome -- and you are hardly someone to tell me to stop being defensive, smug or sarcastic given the way you post.

I'm not intending for my posts to sound sarcastic, which is not something you could say most of the time. No insult intended, however, as I find yours and Dexter's posts entertaining. And, occasionally, even find some merit in your advice.

Bingo. Your post and Owl's post illustrates why I asked if she had thought about why she was reluctant to go to MC. I could be completely wrong here, but I think maybe Samantha is somewhat comfortable in this limbo. People tend to shy away from change. If she goes to MC, things may be resolved either way- divorce or a renewed marriage. Either one of those things are very scary, because they represent huge change.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say I'm comfortable in the limbo -- but yes, definitely fearful of the results of marriage counseling.

ok, you have said you weren't doing anything and described the things you were NOT doing.

So have there been problems with your behavior, or flirting, etc. at bars before? He seems to have a problem, by your description, with you at a bar or club. Is there a reason for this?

No. Really. I think it was more about the control issue than it was about the bar scene. Plus, he was tired and when he's tired he thinks I should go to bed. It's strange.

And you say he only gets like this maybe once every year and a half or so. So it doesn't sound like he has a problem. This would lead me to believe something happened in the past and he isn't comfortable with you at the bar.....again, by your description of things.

No, it's not that. We've not hung out at bars much. It was a restaurant with a bar, by the way. And also -- remember -- this was our daughter's wedding. That occasion does not pop up that often (hopefully) and I would have stayed out with her until breakfast if she wanted us to. Weddings are special and should be enjoyed.

As for him not having a problem because of the infrequency of the outbursts -- you'd have to see the outbursts. I think a person does have a problem if their outbursts are as extreme as his. The last one at the house was the first time I felt a little worried/afraid though.

I think even the outbursts have something to do with my lack of attraction. They're scarring.

now THAT one is unreasonable and strange.

I know. And I wasn't crying every day about it. I just happened to be having a bad day about it all and missing my parents. When my father died, I became parentless -- which is also tough. Again, I think it was about him not being able to "fix" or "control" the situation.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Samantha0905

May 26, 2010

----------------------

He was showing leadership when he said he thought it was time to go home .. she didn't think it was time. .. They are pulling in two diff directions..

When he tries to be accomodating to Samantha, that is showing love and respect .. A man doesn't need to be dominating to earn his wife's respect.

Actually I agree with this.

A man doesn't have to be domineering to earn respect. But a man who tolerates his wife's infidelity without pushing to verify why it happened and take active steps to fix the marriage, a man who allows his wife to treat him disrespectfully but does nothing to call her on it is NOT earning the respect of his wife.

And that will result in the loss of her love as well.

May 26, 2010

Samantha, if you're completely convinced that he can't/won't "fix" the things that are causing you to feel so unhappy in your marriage,,,then again...why are you going through the fake motions of trying to reconcile?

You're NOT actually trying to fix anything here...you've admitted that.

He CAN'T fix anything, because you're not giving him the information he needs to try...assuming he would try, of course.

What's the point of faking this effort?

May 26, 2010

and more importantly - what is the point of doing nothing?

at least do something... that way things have a CHANCE at changing - if you don't like the change - change it up again - until you find something that works for you.

May 26, 2010

And why do you keep casting openness with your H in the most unreasonable, cold, unfeeling, untactful light? As in you announcing to your H that you are not attracted to him?

I don't think anybody expects you to just walk into the room out of the blue and make an announcement.

AND I think you are smart enough to know this.

People are saying you should have a conversation with your H about sex and during the course of an open honest conversation you should tell him that you haven't felt physically attracted to him in a long time.

Not an announcement. A conversation.

May 26, 2010

When my husband went to counseling he said it was for him and not about our marriage. Perhaps that's why I resent his counselor sending me assignments, along with the fact he is a counselor at a Southern Baptist church.

lol

Well, of course he would, then! You're the woman. You should be thanking him for marrying you and asking him what else you can do for him!

May 26, 2010

Phoenix, that was a really good post. I agree completely. NOBODY is saying that Sam should "break his heart", or tell him, "oh ,BTW, you repulse me". If a married couple can't talk in an honest, caring way about sex, then they truly are wasting their time. IMO, Sam, this has gone on way too long Your counselor is full of it, and your h and his counselor haven't got nearly enough info, to work effectively on any problems, because you aren't giving it to them. Those "homework", questionaires are meant to find out , what you obviously won't volunteer. If you truly want to try to make it, you need to put as much honest effort into this as your H is and you also must make him aware of ALL the issues. Right now, all your doing is blowing smoke.

May 26, 2010

I have to say I didn't read all of the posts, but, I did read the first few pages and I have to say I find you to be a very cold person from what I have read.

No, you cannot make yourself feel for someone what you don't. You can't make yourself be attracted to someone that you are not. In my opinion.

I just don't understand why your husband is being such a glutton for punishment from you. And I don't see how you could be such a cruel and hurtful wife. To me, it seems as if you liked him and maybe what he could do for you; but you never had any real feelings for him in the ways that I spouse should.

I feel sorry for both of you because you are just wasting each others time on this earth. You both could be happy either alone or maybe could have found the real loves of your lives by now. However, you two continue to want to hurt for some unknown reason.

Well, you are the recent victim of an unfaithful spouse so I can see why you would feel that way.

You don't know me and can only judge by typed words. I have friends and they don't think I'm cold. They understand how much all of this has hurt me and I truly wish I did feel a sexual attraction towards my spouse.

May 26, 2010

Sam: Just reading Readers Digest and came across comment on page 12, HELP MATE, where a man with low sex drive was found to have a low testosterone level. Apparently when he took pellet injections his sex drive increased. This may be what you husband suffers from. Readers digest, June/July 2010 issue. Hope this works for you and husband.

May 26, 2010

Well, you are the recent victim of an unfaithful spouse so I can see why you would feel that way.

You don't know me and can only judge by typed words. I have friends and they don't think I'm cold. They understand how much all of this has hurt me and I truly wish I did feel a sexual attraction towards my spouse.

You are so very right. I don't know you. All, I know is what I've read in this one thread about your plight.

I am sure that you are hurting--it is hurtful to be in an unhappy situation.

As for your friends, THEY are not married to you.

I hope my situation doesn't go on as long as it seems yours has with what seems to be absolutely no resolution.

The way that things are going in my home and marriage right now. I KNOW FOR SURE; that it can't last too long. I have kids and when your 6-year old comes to you and says "Mommie, what's wrong are you ok? Are you ok then you say yes and she says "It seems like your stomach is hurting or something" you know it's affecting more than just you. And I REFUSE to damage my kids anymore than I have to. So, there will be some type of resolution soon.

I pray the same for all of us.

May 26, 2010

and more importantly - what is the point of doing nothing?

at least do something... that way things have a CHANCE at changing - if you don't like the change - change it up again - until you find something that works for you.

It does feel like both of us are stuck in limbo right now. I can't imagine it will go on forever.

I changed things up by moving into an apartment and actually did feel happier there.

A lot of what people suggest here is a lot easier said than done considering the length of the marriage, our children, our extended family, etc.

And why do you keep casting openness with your H in the most unreasonable, cold, unfeeling, untactful light? As in you announcing to your H that you are not attracted to him?

I think it's interesting you (and others) find coldness in what I type. Maybe it's just the fact this stuff is typed out and looks so harsh in print. In any event, many people who know me think I'm warm, never met a stranger and have a kind heart.

I don't think anybody expects you to just walk into the room out of the blue and make an announcement.

AND I think you are smart enough to know this.

Actually, I am intelligent enough and there certainly have been plenty of people on this site who have suggested "tell, tell, tell" for anything that comes up.

People are saying you should have a conversation with your H about sex and during the course of an open honest conversation you should tell him that you haven't felt physically attracted to him in a long time.

Not an announcement. A conversation.

Well, that conversation is surely to come up soon.........

Phoenix, that was a really good post. I agree completely. NOBODY is saying that Sam should "break his heart", or tell him, "oh ,BTW, you repulse me". If a married couple can't talk in an honest, caring way about sex, then they truly are wasting their time. IMO, Sam, this has gone on way too long Your counselor is full of it, and your h and his counselor haven't got nearly enough info, to work effectively on any problems, because you aren't giving it to them. Those "homework", questionaires are meant to find out , what you obviously won't volunteer. If you truly want to try to make it, you need to put as much honest effort into this as your H is and you also must make him aware of ALL the issues. Right now, all your doing is blowing smoke.

Look Joe -- you don't know my counselor and I actually think he is doing a better job than my husband's. I don't know my husband's counselor. If he were counseling us, he can get all into my head. I haven't invited him.

Furthermore, for all the advice givers out there -- there are two people in this marriage. Yes, my husband decided to bring up the sex issue in the last few weeks after not bringing it up since I moved back in last November. It took him that long to even bring up the subject. Certainly I can have a minute or two to think about the depth of our issues before I decide to respond. Just because his counselor decides -- Hey this week let's get her to do this list -- doesn't mean I have to be compelled to jump to list making. I don't like the checklist approach to tell you the truth -- but that's all fine and good because he is not my counselor.

As much as people think the person who was unfaithful is all to blame and my poor, poor husband must have suffered/be suffering so much -- there have been two people in this 33 year relationship. A lot more has gone down than just the affair. Some good, some bad -- and BOTH of us are responsible for the state of the marriage.

I don't see my husband sitting down to have a conversation with me about what bothers him in this marriage. There certainly should be quite a long list at this point. Even when he brought up marriage counseling, he said "We can go to marriage counseling if YOU want to." I mean I hardly think the man is being proactive about much.

I agree with Owl's post for the most part -- the ones aimed at pointed out to me where I'm wrong and also when he points out it would freaging help if my husband would be more proactive/assertive in expressing his needs.

May 26, 2010

You are so very right. I don't know you. All, I know is what I've read in this one thread about your plight.

I am sure that you are hurting--it is hurtful to be in an unhappy situation.

As for your friends, THEY are not married to you.

I hope my situation doesn't go on as long as it seems yours has with what seems to be absolutely no resolution.

The way that things are going in my home and marriage right now. I KNOW FOR SURE; that it can't last too long. I have kids and when your 6-year old comes to you and says "Mommie, what's wrong are you ok? Are you ok then you say yes and she says "It seems like your stomach is hurting or something" you know it's affecting more than just you. And I REFUSE to damage my kids anymore than I have to. So, there will be some type of resolution soon.

I pray the same for all of us.

I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling right now. I read your thread earlier and I really do think it would help for you to find space. When I suggested you moving out as a possibility on your thread, however, I didn't realize there are small children involved. I imagine that would make things much more difficult.

Perhaps you need some counseling? Definitely move him out if you decide to do so -- so the kids can still have some stability in their lives.

I also pray that everything turns out all the way around.

I hope you have some relatives and friends nearby to offer you support.

May 26, 2010

I have to say I didn't read all of the posts, but, I did read the first few pages and I have to say I find you to be a very cold person from what I have read.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't think OP's posts reveal any directly "genuine" insight into her character.

No, you cannot make yourself feel for someone what you don't. You can't make yourself be attracted to someone that you are not. In my opinion.

.....and this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Does it make sense that she would have lived with a man for 26 years, had children with him, had sex on a weekly basis with him, left him, had "great" sex with her AP, the ability to have financial independence and complete freedom, with her husband's acquiescence; but then returned to him, if she had no attraction to him?

She is attracted to him. That's why she's still with him. She just doesn't want to say that she's attracted to him.

I just don't understand why your husband is being such a glutton for punishment from you.

Again, I don't think her husband is such a glutton for punishment. That's just the perspective of things as provided by OP. I think the husband has done exactly what he wanted throughout the marriage. OP doesn't even want to entertain the possibility that her h was just as capable of having an affair as she was. How hard would it have been for her h to visit a prostitute on the sly from time to time? Plenty of "religious" people have these kinds of secrets.

And I don't see how you could be such a cruel and hurtful wife. To me, it seems as if you liked him and maybe what he could do for you; but you never had any real feelings for him in the ways that I spouse should.

Maybe, maybe not. Actually OP sounds like an extremely dependent person who may be incapable of living on her own. She needs her husband but resents being so dependent on him. I don't believe that she never had any feelings for him. I don't believe that she lacks feelings for him now.

She's angry at him, very angry, but has sublimated that anger by turning it into indifference, "lack of attraction." The question is what is the source of that anger?

I feel sorry for both of you because you are just wasting each others time on this earth. You both could be happy either alone or maybe could have found the real loves of your lives by now. However, you two continue to want to hurt for some unknown reason.

On the contrary it sounds like they are actually a very good match and deserve each other. The question they both need to answer is whether they prefer being miserable together or do they want to try to be happy together.

May 27, 2010

REW, I agree that Samantha has a lot of anger and most of it is directed at her husband. She says many times that she is responsible for the Affair, but then will go on to catalogue her husband's faults, almost as if she is blaming him, to soothe her own guilt and conscience. His lack of understanding, his reluctance in the past to communicate, and his mysterious lack of sexuality are all given as excuses............It's an old story. Her husband DROVE her into another man's arms. It's interesting to note that she complains that it's taken HIM so long to talk about the lack of sex, but she, herself, has NEVER mentioned the lack of desire. Pretty much everything you complain about, Sam, as faults in your H are also faults that you possess. The basic difference , regardless of past actions, is that NOW he is really trying, and you are half-stepping. If it's too late, then step up to the plate, have an honest break and be friends. You will always be a part of each others lives, but that does not mean that you have to be life-partners.

May 27, 2010

Maybe, maybe not. I don't think OP's posts reveal any directly "genuine" insight into her character.

Thank you.

.....and this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Does it make sense that she would have lived with a man for 26 years, had children with him, had sex on a weekly basis with him, left him, had "great" sex with her AP, the ability to have financial independence and complete freedom, with her husband's acquiescence; but then returned to him, if she had no attraction to him?

She is attracted to him. That's why she's still with him. She just doesn't want to say that she's attracted to him.

Not sexually though. But yes, I think he has many wonderful qualities.

Again, I don't think her husband is such a glutton for punishment. That's just the perspective of things as provided by OP. I think the husband has done exactly what he wanted throughout the marriage. OP doesn't even want to entertain the possibility that her h was just as capable of having an affair as she was. How hard would it have been for her h to visit a prostitute on the sly from time to time? Plenty of "religious" people have these kinds of secrets.

Well, it is my thread and my perspective. I can't provide his. In any event and despite your "religious" jab -- if you knew him, perhaps you would understand he hasn't. I mean that as a compliment -- in some ways -- to him.

Maybe, maybe not. Actually OP sounds like an extremely dependent person who may be incapable of living on her own. She needs her husband but resents being so dependent on him. I don't believe that she never had any feelings for him. I don't believe that she lacks feelings for him now.

Oh my goodness. I'm not dependent. I think that's your male ego again. I, of course, have feelings for my husband. A deeper love than many would understand.

She's angry at him, very angry, but has sublimated that anger by turning it into indifference, "lack of attraction." The question is what is the source of that anger?

I agree with this. A rare time for you and I.

I do have some anger issues here. I'm not sure they are directed at him. Perhaps myself.

On the contrary it sounds like they are actually a very good match and deserve each other. The question they both need to answer is whether they prefer being miserable together or do they want to try to be happy together.

Perhaps we will answer that question on our own together. I know neither of us are something for any of you to cast judgment upon. We're pretty strong people. And there is a lot of love here.

I'd like for people who are 33 years into a relationship to cast the first stone.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Samantha0905

May 27, 2010

---------------------

The crazy behaviour dosn't happen that often and is not abusive, it is venting.. The church counselor wishes for Samantha to disclose what would make the two of them closer. The husband is there to help his marriage.. He's a successful man, why would he care about what is wrong with himself.

At another time I will get into woman's role / man's role.

Not abusive? Because he does not hit her? He made a scene at his daughter's wedding! That is emotionally abusive.

Successful? Maybe in his job. But not in his private life: his son is gay and he can't accept it (and most probably his son became gay because he did not have real contact with his father - as you often sees with gay guys) and his wife walked out and had an affair. What is so successful about that?

May 27, 2010

WITP, I agree with everything you said except the stuff about my son "becoming" gay. He was born gay.

Good morning. I suppose this counseling session thread has about run its course. Thanks for all the helpful advice.

On a positive note, my husband said he wanted to join me in a new exercise program I'm doing at a new gym. It features a lot of versatile routines that are full body exercises -- not the usual gym routine. I felt good about him wanting to join me because I think this type of thing is fun to do with a partner and can create feelings more conducive to physical intimacy.

May 27, 2010

REW, I agree that Samantha has a lot of anger and most of it is directed at her husband. She says many times that she is responsible for the Affair, but then will go on to catalogue her husband's faults, almost as if she is blaming him, to soothe her own guilt and conscience. His lack of understanding, his reluctance in the past to communicate, and his mysterious lack of sexuality are all given as excuses............It's an old story. Her husband DROVE her into another man's arms.

I never once said my husband drove me into another man's arms. You're reading into what I say and you can do that all you would like.

As Owl said and it made me smile in another thread -- I don't give a jot.

It's interesting to note that she complains that it's taken HIM so long to talk about the lack of sex, but she, herself, has NEVER mentioned the lack of desire. Pretty much everything you complain about, Sam, as faults in your H are also faults that you possess. The basic difference , regardless of past actions, is that NOW he is really trying, and you are half-stepping. If it's too late, then step up to the plate, have an honest break and be friends. You will always be a part of each others lives, but that does not mean that you have to be life-partners.

Well, maybe you can show up at the door to tell him.

He is not trying any more than I am. I'm not saying he's not trying because he is. We're both trying. We both have difficulties with different aspects of communicating with one another. It doesn't mean we're not both working on it. Sorry I'm not asking, "How high?" when some of you say "Jump." I appreciate your opinions, but just because I'm not following what you suggest 100% or don't act immediately does not mean I'm not working on my marriage in some aspects.

One thing I do agree with my therapist a lot is that I have to know myself and what I want -- and I'm working on it as I see fit while trying to remain in the marriage. I don't plan to have a conversation about not being sexually attracted to my husband with him. Ooops, sorry and all that. I am trying to work on developing better communication with my husband -- talking about meaningful things, etc. and we're both working on doing more together -- golfing, working out, etc. Hopefully, over time the physical connection will work itself out -- or not. We shall see.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Samantha0905

May 27, 2010

I disagree that the things mentioned in the previous posts equate to being a failure in the H's personal life.

Samantha has said of her self many times here at LS that she is not perfect and that she has made mistakes. Why is it that anyone should accept that Samantha made mistakes but focus exclusively on the H's faults.

He is having a hard time accepting that his son is gay. While I do believe that homosexuality is something you are born with there are many many people who don't believe this way, especially people who are older. AND even if a person is generally accepting of homosexuality they may feel differently when it is their own child. Not saying it is right, just saying it is human and given enough time, the H will likely come around.

AND no matter what the husband did or didn't do, Samantha's choice to have an affair is her choice. It reflects on her not her husband. In fact, in this regard the affair is indicative of Samantha's decision to violate her own standards, her personal failure, not his.

Yes the H did make a scene at the daughter's wedding reception/party. Yes it was the wrong thing to do. But I don't know of any long term marriage where a special family event/vacation/party etc has not been impacted by one spouse being pi$$y. It is again, one of those messy, human things that happens in relationships. Not saying it is right. Just saying it happens.

I think the H may have been somewhat controlling in the marriage but I also think that by and large, Samantha has gone along with that for years without communicating her dissatisfaction. AND she still has issues with communicating openly with her H.

I think some posters are casting the H as the big bad wolf in the marriage and IMO he is just a man, flawed like everybody else and in some respects a better man than he is given credit for because now that he has been made aware of some of Samantha's extreme unhappiness, he is making a sincere effort to change, because apparently, he wants her to be happy.

Edited May 27, 2010 by PhoenixRise

May 27, 2010

Sam,
I think your H already knows your not sexually attracted to him. That's why he hasn't pushed the issue, and that's why the wimpy "My counselor says we should have sex" nonsense (paraphrasing of course). What he can't figure out is how to become more attractive to you, and you're not communicating what you need.

Just my .02.

I agree. I'm not trying to knock my husband and I know people think I sound cold -- I really don't mean it that way -- but, in actuality, I thought it was a wimpy way to approach the sex issue also.

I disagree that the things mentioned in the previous posts equate to being a failure in the H's personal life.

He's a pretty successful man all the way around.

Samantha has said of her self many times here at LS that she is not perfect and that she has made mistakes. Why is it that anyone should accept that Samantha made mistakes but focus exclusively on the H's faults.

I have definitely made mistakes and I think I've even said on LS that I think my husband is a more admirable person than I am.

He is having a hard time accepting that his son is gay. While I do believe that homosexuality is something you are born with there are many many people who don't believe this way, especially people who are older. AND even if a person is generally accepting of homosexuality they may feel differently when it is their own child. Not saying it is right, just saying it is human and given enough time, the H will likely come around.

He handled it pretty well considering how I know it disappointed him. I'm sure he may have even prayed hoping our son would not actually be gay. He is very nice to our son. They are friends. I think he is coming along with his acceptance of our son's homosexuality. His initial reaction did make me angry (for the first four or five years) because I worried how his reluctance to be totally accepting of our son's homosexuality was effecting our son's psyche. He was never openly ugly or even confrontational about it, but I think a person (our son) can tell when someone is not comfortable with their lifestyle.

In any event, my husband is doing better with all of that.

AND no matter what the husband did or didn't do, Samantha's choice to have an affair is her choice. It reflects on her not her husband. In fact, in this regard the affair is indicative of Samantha's decision to violate her own standards, her personal failure, not his.

You are 100% correct.

Yes the H did make a scene at the daughter's wedding reception/party. Yes it was the wrong thing to do. But I don't know of any long term marriage where a special family event/vacation/party etc has not been impacted by one spouse being pi$$y.

I don't want to dismiss that behavior as easily. He had done the "fits" enough by that point that he knew how it effected me. It's simply unnecessary and unacceptable behavior. It was our daughter's wedding. That is a pretty special occasion.

I think the H may have been somewhat controlling in the marriage but I also think that by and large, Samantha has gone along with that for years without communicating her dissatisfaction. AND she still has issues with communicating openly with her H.

And he has trouble communicating openly with me......

It's definitely a pattern that has developed over time. I think when he was most controlling (the first 10 years) is when I was most shy/introverted. It took a while to overcome that and come out of the shell, especially given the level of controlling behavior. It set the stage, so to speak.

I think some posters are casting the H as the big bad wolf in the marriage and IMO he is just a man, flawed like everybody else and in some respects a better man than he is given credit for because now that he has been made aware of some of Samantha's extreme unhappiness, he is making a sincere effort to change, because apparently, he wants her to be happy.

Well, I'm glad to hear your perspective because I keep thinking the opposite -- everyone attacks me because I'm telling the tale from my point of view. I really don't mean to be attacking my husband or saying he is to "blame" for things. I'm just trying to put out there -- in my thread about my marriage from my perspective -- and my counseling from my perspective -- what is going on.

And yes, my husband is a very loving man and wants his family -- all of us -- to be happy. He has a big heart.

May 27, 2010

Samantha did you read the article in Reader's Digest that I suggested? Your husbands lack of a sex drive may be medical.

Sign In

This week's counseling session......

Recommended Posts

califnan

Samantha0905

Samantha0905

Indypendence

Samantha0905

Owl

Owl

2sunny

PhoenixRise

turnera

JustJoe

Samantha0905

ComputerJock

Indypendence

Samantha0905

Samantha0905

rewe4reel

JustJoe

Samantha0905

WalkInThePark

Samantha0905

Samantha0905

PhoenixRise

Samantha0905

ComputerJock

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...