This week's counseling session......

May 19, 2010

So, it seemed like a lot happened this week - I'll try to summarize in brief:

1) Went to a function at the Krazy Kountry Klub (KKK), as my best friend's son fondly calls it. They don't allow black people or Jewish people to be members and women can't golf until after 2:00 in the afternoon. So strange.

Anyway, while at the function one of the staff had a little too much wine and she shared with us that she had been "reprimanded and written up" for going into the men's locker room. We asked her why she went in there and she said it's where they were holding the staff meeting and she is supposed to attend the staff meetings. What??!! These people are so crazy. Anyway, she said they had the last staff meeting in there also and she attended and they didn't say a word. KKK.

Well, my husband had been drinking a ton of beer during the day at the golf tournament. He says he usually goes through a couple of six packs throughout the day. Then that night, he was drinking scotch at the function.

When we got home, he had another scotch and I was telling him how crazy it was for those people to reprimand the employee for attending a staff meeting and why in the world were they holding it in the men's locker room if she wasn't allowed to be in there.

That explosion y'all have been warning about then erupted. He started yelling like he was crazy -- not normal yelling -- and yelled WTF do you want me to do about it, etc. He went on for about 10 more minutes yelling about how I had not loved him in at least two years and he doesn't have any feelings left for me at all. He also started doing this bizarre head shaking thing at the end of his sentences where he would shake his head real dramatically at the end of his sentences and say "Never, never, never!" or "No, no, no!" (depending on what he had just said) and clenching his mouth and shutting his eyes. It was so strange. This was all while remaining in his lazyboy.

I stayed calm and told him I was going to bed because he was acting insane.

The next morning he came into the bedroom and asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast in a sing song-y voice. I told him I did not want to go to breakfast with him. He said, "Are you mad?" He was back to doing his little boy voice. I said, "Yes, I'm angry." and he said, "Okay, well then I'll go back downstairs" and he trudged on out of there with slumped shoulders. I hate when he does that stuff also. I really wish normal adult behavior was the norm. He knows how because I've seen him at work and he behaves normally and adult-like there.

He came back about an hour later and asked, "Are you still mad at me?" and I said, "I'm mad at you all day." He then asked if I still wanted to go to the movies that afternoon with our son and I said yes. He started leaving the room again and I asked him why he didn't ever want to discuss things when they happen. So, he walked over and said he knew he was crazy last night and he was wrong, but he was frustrated. Then he walked out again. I'm thinking long conversations aren't ever going to happen. Jeesh!

So, I discussed this with my counselor today and told him about how my husband's counselor wanted me to tell him what he needed to do in order for me to want to be sexual with him again. My counselor said he thought my response was my list -- as I had told my husband I wanted us to communicate more and develop a more intimate relationship.

The one thing my counselor said to me today which really rang true (for me) was that if I go ahead and have sex with my husband when I still do not feel an attraction or do not want to do so, I will be giving up a part of myself that he really feels I should not give up.

It made me feel better with myself at least that if I do not want to, I should not feel I have to just to make things better at home.

We also discussed my XAP because he decided to let me know he was seeing someone else and tell me how I had never loved him, etc. He even said, "You had your chance and you lost it." He was yelling, etc. and I can't remember the entire conversation. I basically told him if he felt that way then why didn't he stop texting me to ask me if I was having a good day, how my day went, etc.? I fully understand if he doesn't want to have an affair anymore, but he really doesn't need to update me as to his dating life, etc. and I don't want him texting to check on me out of guilt or to keep me hanging out there in the wings. I actually think he just has seen this person once, but every time he starts seeing someone he refers to it as a relationship. I hope he will be happy, but I'm really the last person who wants to hear about his love life.

Anyway -- that's about the entire counseling session. More was said -- but that was the basic theme.

When I got home today, my husband asked me how my counseling session went. I told him it went fine. He said, "Well, tell me what y'all discussed?" and I said, "I don't really feel like talking about what I'm saying to my counselor as I'm not comfortable sharing my sessions." I know my husband tells me everything said at his counseling sessions, but I don't ask him to and I feel like I should keep my individual counseling individual.

Then my husband said he was willing to go to a marriage counselor if I want to.

Oh, and I did ask my counselor if it was possible to become attracted sexually to someone if I had never really felt sexually attracted. He said it would be very difficult, but he holds out hope for change and thinks if my husband wants our marriage to work then he may want to do the work to help us create a more intimate and communicative marriage -- along with me working also -- of course.

I suppose doing the work would entail me agreeing to marriage counseling.

In any event, it's felt like a crazy week with my husband screaming like crazy at me and my XAP screaming at me. I always felt like one day it would work out that I would be without both of them -- and perhaps it will.

And for what it's worth, I don't mind if my husband expresses emotion -- I would prefer for him to -- but I would prefer it not to be drunken insanity or strange little boy behavior.

As for my XAP, I understand he has some anger issues about our affair -- but I did not have the affair alone, so I find it interesting how he points all the blame in my direction like I had sex with him while wielding a knife or something.

Fun times.

May 19, 2010

Watch out for next week's instalment of the Brady Bunch, when the blended family goes for a picnic holiday in Uganda, with their two gay neighbours....

May 19, 2010

When we got home, he had another scotch and I was telling him how crazy it was for those people to reprimand the employee for attending a staff meeting and why in the world were they holding it in the men's locker room if she wasn't allowed to be in there.

That explosion y'all have been warning about then erupted. He started yelling like he was crazy -- not normal yelling -- and yelled WTF do you want me to do about it, etc. He went on for about 10 more minutes yelling about how I had not loved him in at least two years and he doesn't have any feelings left for me at all.

I could pretty much see where this was headed before that last paragraph. Seems he probably feels you have nothing to say on the morality of others and that tripped off his feelings about what you did to him.

My x-wife did the same thing before I divorced her and I told her that she has NOTHING to say about anyone else without being a hypocrite.

He also started doing this bizarre head shaking thing at the end of his sentences where he would shake his head real dramatically at the end of his sentences and say "Never, never, never!" or "No, no, no!" (depending on what he had just said) and clenching his mouth and shutting his eyes. It was so strange. This was all while remaining in his lazyboy.

scotch is a powerful thing.

He came back about an hour later and asked, "Are you still mad at me?" and I said, "I'm mad at you all day."

why? you triggered him with your judgement of someone when you did something far worse. I think you need to stay away from acting like what someone else does is so appalling, given your recent history.

He then asked if I still wanted to go to the movies that afternoon with our son and I said yes. He started leaving the room again and I asked him why he didn't ever want to discuss things when they happen.

you'd have to be in his shoes to understand. I didn't want to talk about anything that would trigger me, but when triggered by my x, then I wanted to comment on that which triggered.

We BS generally don't want to talk about it until something our offenders do reminds us of their bad behavior. You commented on someones bad behavior when you really had nothing to say about it given your situation...at least not in these early stages after DDay.

The one thing my counselor said to me today which really rang true (for me) was that if I go ahead and have sex with my husband when I still do not feel an attraction or do not want to do so, I will be giving up a part of myself that he really feels I should not give up.

I'll agree with this.

but meanwhile your husband has to be the one to give up ALOT of himself until you get your act in gear. Its a no win situation. But so far looks like an all lose for your H.

In any event, it's felt like a crazy week with my husband screaming like crazy at me and my XAP screaming at me.

why aren't you blocking your XAP or changing numbers?

I always felt like one day it would work out that I would be without both of them -- and perhaps it will.

if thats how you want it to work out, then what the hell are you doing wasting any more of your husband's time?

May 19, 2010

So, it seemed like a lot happened this week - I'll try to summarize in brief:

1) Went to a function at the Krazy Kountry Klub (KKK), as my best friend's son fondly calls it. They don't allow black people or Jewish people to be members and women can't golf until after 2:00 in the afternoon. So strange.

Anyway, while at the function one of the staff had a little too much wine and she shared with us that she had been "reprimanded and written up" for going into the men's locker room. We asked her why she went in there and she said it's where they were holding the staff meeting and she is supposed to attend the staff meetings. What??!! These people are so crazy. Anyway, she said they had the last staff meeting in there also and she attended and they didn't say a word. KKK.

Well, my husband had been drinking a ton of beer during the day at the golf tournament. He says he usually goes through a couple of six packs throughout the day. Then that night, he was drinking scotch at the function.

When we got home, he had another scotch and I was telling him how crazy it was for those people to reprimand the employee for attending a staff meeting and why in the world were they holding it in the men's locker room if she wasn't allowed to be in there.

That explosion y'all have been warning about then erupted. He started yelling like he was crazy -- not normal yelling -- and yelled WTF do you want me to do about it, etc. He went on for about 10 more minutes yelling about how I had not loved him in at least two years and he doesn't have any feelings left for me at all. He also started doing this bizarre head shaking thing at the end of his sentences where he would shake his head real dramatically at the end of his sentences and say "Never, never, never!" or "No, no, no!" (depending on what he had just said) and clenching his mouth and shutting his eyes. It was so strange. This was all while remaining in his lazyboy.

I stayed calm and told him I was going to bed because he was acting insane.

The next morning he came into the bedroom and asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast in a sing song-y voice. I told him I did not want to go to breakfast with him. He said, "Are you mad?" He was back to doing his little boy voice. I said, "Yes, I'm angry." and he said, "Okay, well then I'll go back downstairs" and he trudged on out of there with slumped shoulders. I hate when he does that stuff also. I really wish normal adult behavior was the norm. He knows how because I've seen him at work and he behaves normally and adult-like there.

He came back about an hour later and asked, "Are you still mad at me?" and I said, "I'm mad at you all day." He then asked if I still wanted to go to the movies that afternoon with our son and I said yes. He started leaving the room again and I asked him why he didn't ever want to discuss things when they happen. So, he walked over and said he knew he was crazy last night and he was wrong, but he was frustrated. Then he walked out again. I'm thinking long conversations aren't ever going to happen. Jeesh!

So, I discussed this with my counselor today and told him about how my husband's counselor wanted me to tell him what he needed to do in order for me to want to be sexual with him again. My counselor said he thought my response was my list -- as I had told my husband I wanted us to communicate more and develop a more intimate relationship.

The one thing my counselor said to me today which really rang true (for me) was that if I go ahead and have sex with my husband when I still do not feel an attraction or do not want to do so, I will be giving up a part of myself that he really feels I should not give up.

It made me feel better with myself at least that if I do not want to, I should not feel I have to just to make things better at home.

We also discussed my XAP because he decided to let me know he was seeing someone else and tell me how I had never loved him, etc. He even said, "You had your chance and you lost it." He was yelling, etc. and I can't remember the entire conversation. I basically told him if he felt that way then why didn't he stop texting me to ask me if I was having a good day, how my day went, etc.? I fully understand if he doesn't want to have an affair anymore, but he really doesn't need to update me as to his dating life, etc. and I don't want him texting to check on me out of guilt or to keep me hanging out there in the wings. I actually think he just has seen this person once, but every time he starts seeing someone he refers to it as a relationship. I hope he will be happy, but I'm really the last person who wants to hear about his love life.

Anyway -- that's about the entire counseling session. More was said -- but that was the basic theme.

When I got home today, my husband asked me how my counseling session went. I told him it went fine. He said, "Well, tell me what y'all discussed?" and I said, "I don't really feel like talking about what I'm saying to my counselor as I'm not comfortable sharing my sessions." I know my husband tells me everything said at his counseling sessions, but I don't ask him to and I feel like I should keep my individual counseling individual.

Then my husband said he was willing to go to a marriage counselor if I want to.

Oh, and I did ask my counselor if it was possible to become attracted sexually to someone if I had never really felt sexually attracted. He said it would be very difficult, but he holds out hope for change and thinks if my husband wants our marriage to work then he may want to do the work to help us create a more intimate and communicative marriage -- along with me working also -- of course.

I suppose doing the work would entail me agreeing to marriage counseling.

In any event, it's felt like a crazy week with my husband screaming like crazy at me and my XAP screaming at me. I always felt like one day it would work out that I would be without both of them -- and perhaps it will.

And for what it's worth, I don't mind if my husband expresses emotion -- I would prefer for him to -- but I would prefer it not to be drunken insanity or strange little boy behavior.

As for my XAP, I understand he has some anger issues about our affair -- but I did not have the affair alone, so I find it interesting how he points all the blame in my direction like I had sex with him while wielding a knife or something.

Fun times.

Hi Samantha, it sounds like your counseling sessions are going well and it is good to hear your H wants to attend MC with you. I think your H's angry outburst is not out of the norm for a BS under the influence:D I know I have had many o' nights of alcohol induced rages directed at my H.

As for your XAP did he just contact you out of the blue to yell at you:confused: Well I know how angry I am at my XOM and it would not be a good thing if I were to talk to him right now. I believe in your case he was the one who felt "dumped" and I think the one who gets "dumped" like me will generally carry more anger. I know the anger has helped me get over my XOM. It's just part of the grieving process.

Sorry you are the receptor of all this anger. It will pass. Your counseling sessions inspire me. I miss talking to a third party.

May 19, 2010

I could pretty much see where this was headed before that last paragraph. Seems he probably feels you have nothing to say on the morality of others and that tripped off his feelings about what you did to him.

My x-wife did the same thing before I divorced her and I told her that she has NOTHING to say about anyone else without being a hypocrite.

A club that doesn't allow blacks or Jewish people in and discriminates against women is wrong Dexter. He knows I had the affair. I've acknowledged that was wrong. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to say I think policies are discriminatory. You're reaching.

scotch is a powerful thing.

Sure is! I gave it up after busting my head open when I was 21 while drinking it.

why? you triggered him with your judgement of someone when you did something far worse. I think you need to stay away from acting like what someone else does is so appalling, given your recent history.

I don't really feel the need to follow your advice, but thank you. I will be appalled when I feel like it.

you'd have to be in his shoes to understand. I didn't want to talk about anything that would trigger me, but when triggered by my x, then I wanted to comment on that which triggered.

We BS generally don't want to talk about it until something our offenders do reminds us of their bad behavior. You commented on someones bad behavior when you really had nothing to say about it given your situation...at least not in these early stages after DDay.

I don't accept blame here. I've accepted blame for my affair, but if I want to speak up against discriminatory practices I will and not feel I don't have the right to do so. Those people are in the dark ages.

I'll agree with this.

Me too.

but meanwhile your husband has to be the one to give up ALOT of himself until you get your act in gear. Its a no win situation. But so far looks like an all lose for your H.

Yes, I'll agree with that and my counselor and I even discussed his feelings. I understand he's not happy with the situation either and it may be he decides to act on his own. I don't know.

why aren't you blocking your XAP or changing numbers?

Excellent idea. How do you block someone from calling an iPhone?

if thats how you want it to work out, then what the hell are you doing wasting any more of your husband's time?

It's not how I want it to work out. It's how I think it may end up working out because I'm not sure how to get the sexual attraction in our relationship.

May 19, 2010

Hi Samantha, it sounds like your counseling sessions are going well and it is good to hear your H wants to attend MC with you. I think your H's angry outburst is not out of the norm for a BS under the influence:D I know I have had many o' nights of alcohol induced rages directed at my H.

Man -- he's scary when he does it. Now that you've put it this way, I probably would be doing the same to him were the tables turned. He's just such a big man and has such a booming voice and acts soooo insane. Rage definitely describes it well.

As for your XAP did he just contact you out of the blue to yell at you:confused: Well I know how angry I am at my XOM and it would not be a good thing if I were to talk to him right now. I believe in your case he was the one who felt "dumped" and I think the one who gets "dumped" like me will generally carry more anger. I know the anger has helped me get over my XOM. It's just part of the grieving process.

Yes, he's been texting and called under the guise of seeing how I was doing and then proceeded to attack. I know he's angry. He has said to me over and over I was making a choice by not choosing. He felt like I didn't really love him because I wouldn't leave my family. I do love him a lot, but it's not an easy thing to walk out on 27 years of marriage and I know my children would surely feel angry and betrayed. So, that's not to be worried about anymore based on what my XAP told me this time on the phone. Perhaps he won't call again.

Sorry you are the receptor of all this anger. It will pass. Your counseling sessions inspire me. I miss talking to a third party.

Me too!

It will pass. It's all such a crappy feeling. I hate my XAP hates me. It sucks. I wish I would get angry back at him so I could get over the feelings more quickly.

The counseling sessions are helping. I'm glad you're inspired by reading about them.

May 19, 2010

Watch out for next week's instalment of the Brady Bunch, when the blended family goes for a picnic holiday in Uganda, with their two gay neighbours....

LOL

May 19, 2010

I miss Samantha's troggleputty .. analyzing the analysis ..

May 19, 2010

(I'm only 1/3 the way through) .. Samantha I just wanted to tell you what a good writer you are - and you paint such a picture ... ok back to the story ..

May 19, 2010

Tune out the XAP .. He doesn't matter. Block him .. He had nothing to offer you but his penis. You can find them in the malls.

May 19, 2010

Ask your counselor what your reaction should have been when your husband asked what was discussed at the counseling session..

Somehow I think it would be easier to tell your husband some of the things that are discussed (such as the sex part) .. Rather than having a MC pry it out of you ..

May 19, 2010

Tune out the XAP .. He doesn't matter. Block him .. He had nothing to offer you but his penis. You can find them in the malls.

LMAO:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

May 19, 2010

It wouldn't have mattered what you would have said to him - or about what was going on at the club .. With the beer and the scotch .. He was going to bring up his repressions no matter what..

May 19, 2010

LMAO:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

--------------------

Thank you sweetpea .. (my family doesn't laugh at me anymore) ..

May 20, 2010

Man -- he's scary when he does it. Now that you've put it this way, I probably would be doing the same to him were the tables turned. He's just such a big man and has such a booming voice and acts soooo insane. Rage definitely describes it well.

QUOTE]

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Your husband needs to get enraged enough to take you and make madd passionate love to you .. ... At least the next time you notice him filling up .. you'll know what to expect ..

May 20, 2010

Your husband needs to get enraged enough to take you and make madd passionate love to you .. ... At least the next time you notice him filling up .. you'll know what to expect ..

blek.....

May 20, 2010

Your husband needs to get enraged enough to take you and make madd passionate love to you .. ... At least the next time you notice him filling up .. you'll know what to expect ..

blek.....

---------------

You don't think he needs to get enraged (or frustrated) enough to make a move - Stone's throw..

May 20, 2010

blek.....

---------------

You don't think he needs to get enraged (or frustrated) enough to make a move - Stone's throw..

Not all jacked up on beer and scotch.... that makes me nauseous. Nothing says a turn on like a slobbering, angry drunk.

I think they've got a lot of work to do before going there with their relationship. I've stated that in her last thread.

There is faking it until you make it but not in this case. I think it would do more damage than good.

May 20, 2010

Samantha

I think you missed an opportunity when you shut your husband down after he asked about your counselling.

You have been complaining about his lack of communication and the general lack of intimacy in the relationship. Intimacy requires sharing. Your H was asking you to share. Maybe he wanted insight about what was going on inside you.

Not saying you should have told him every detail, but maybe you could have shared some broad strokes with him.

AND does your H know you still communicate with OM?

May 20, 2010

Sam,

I agree that sex in the current context will be emotionally subtractive to you. Mainly it seems like your H does things TO you, not WITH you. And that is all about a failure to listen. And I don't just mean "listen" in the passive sense. I mean pay attention to you, read you, and sometimes ask questions. And I don't mean "what specific steps do I need to get you to have sex with me?"

That question is more along the lines of, "what needs to happen for me to get laid?"

At some level that would make most folks in your shoes angry because he has never once asked the question "What has to happen for you Sam to be happy?" Which is a variant of "What has to happen for you to not be unhappy?" Which is the generalized version of a very specific and achingly obvious question "Why Sam were you so unhappy that you moved out of our home?"

Thing is, sex is just another type of communication. Or well - good sex is. Because in good sex, verbally/non verbally you are reading your partner before, during and after to decide what you are going to do, and when you are going to do it.

What you described though, he was doing stuff to you, not with you. With you implies a high level of focus on and awareness of what you want/like. Awareness gained from listening to your body, and also asking you questions.

You have every reason to expect that if you sleep with him now you will get the exact same treatment you have in the past.

If you want to give him a chance to actually show he is capable of doing something with you, see if you can teach him how to give you a great massage. Because a great massage is the result of focus, effort, patience and excellent communication. If he is not able or willing to learn your body well enough to give you a great massage, he isn't going to be much of a lover.

Then again, maybe you aren't all that crazy about the idea of having him touch you in an extended manner until he gets out of his own way sufficiently to ask why you left.

At a glance your H seems quite focused on how you behave. You know, whether or not you say controversial things, or deny him sex. Maybe even what you are saying to your IC. But he does not seem at all interested in how you feel.

So, it seemed like a lot happened this week - I'll try to summarize in brief:

1) Went to a function at the Krazy Kountry Klub (KKK), as my best friend's son fondly calls it. They don't allow black people or Jewish people to be members and women can't golf until after 2:00 in the afternoon. So strange.

Anyway, while at the function one of the staff had a little too much wine and she shared with us that she had been "reprimanded and written up" for going into the men's locker room. We asked her why she went in there and she said it's where they were holding the staff meeting and she is supposed to attend the staff meetings. What??!! These people are so crazy. Anyway, she said they had the last staff meeting in there also and she attended and they didn't say a word. KKK.

Well, my husband had been drinking a ton of beer during the day at the golf tournament. He says he usually goes through a couple of six packs throughout the day. Then that night, he was drinking scotch at the function.

When we got home, he had another scotch and I was telling him how crazy it was for those people to reprimand the employee for attending a staff meeting and why in the world were they holding it in the men's locker room if she wasn't allowed to be in there.

That explosion y'all have been warning about then erupted. He started yelling like he was crazy -- not normal yelling -- and yelled WTF do you want me to do about it, etc. He went on for about 10 more minutes yelling about how I had not loved him in at least two years and he doesn't have any feelings left for me at all. He also started doing this bizarre head shaking thing at the end of his sentences where he would shake his head real dramatically at the end of his sentences and say "Never, never, never!" or "No, no, no!" (depending on what he had just said) and clenching his mouth and shutting his eyes. It was so strange. This was all while remaining in his lazyboy.

I stayed calm and told him I was going to bed because he was acting insane.

The next morning he came into the bedroom and asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast in a sing song-y voice. I told him I did not want to go to breakfast with him. He said, "Are you mad?" He was back to doing his little boy voice. I said, "Yes, I'm angry." and he said, "Okay, well then I'll go back downstairs" and he trudged on out of there with slumped shoulders. I hate when he does that stuff also. I really wish normal adult behavior was the norm. He knows how because I've seen him at work and he behaves normally and adult-like there.

He came back about an hour later and asked, "Are you still mad at me?" and I said, "I'm mad at you all day." He then asked if I still wanted to go to the movies that afternoon with our son and I said yes. He started leaving the room again and I asked him why he didn't ever want to discuss things when they happen. So, he walked over and said he knew he was crazy last night and he was wrong, but he was frustrated. Then he walked out again. I'm thinking long conversations aren't ever going to happen. Jeesh!

So, I discussed this with my counselor today and told him about how my husband's counselor wanted me to tell him what he needed to do in order for me to want to be sexual with him again. My counselor said he thought my response was my list -- as I had told my husband I wanted us to communicate more and develop a more intimate relationship.

The one thing my counselor said to me today which really rang true (for me) was that if I go ahead and have sex with my husband when I still do not feel an attraction or do not want to do so, I will be giving up a part of myself that he really feels I should not give up.

It made me feel better with myself at least that if I do not want to, I should not feel I have to just to make things better at home.

We also discussed my XAP because he decided to let me know he was seeing someone else and tell me how I had never loved him, etc. He even said, "You had your chance and you lost it." He was yelling, etc. and I can't remember the entire conversation. I basically told him if he felt that way then why didn't he stop texting me to ask me if I was having a good day, how my day went, etc.? I fully understand if he doesn't want to have an affair anymore, but he really doesn't need to update me as to his dating life, etc. and I don't want him texting to check on me out of guilt or to keep me hanging out there in the wings. I actually think he just has seen this person once, but every time he starts seeing someone he refers to it as a relationship. I hope he will be happy, but I'm really the last person who wants to hear about his love life.

Anyway -- that's about the entire counseling session. More was said -- but that was the basic theme.

When I got home today, my husband asked me how my counseling session went. I told him it went fine. He said, "Well, tell me what y'all discussed?" and I said, "I don't really feel like talking about what I'm saying to my counselor as I'm not comfortable sharing my sessions." I know my husband tells me everything said at his counseling sessions, but I don't ask him to and I feel like I should keep my individual counseling individual.

Then my husband said he was willing to go to a marriage counselor if I want to.

Oh, and I did ask my counselor if it was possible to become attracted sexually to someone if I had never really felt sexually attracted. He said it would be very difficult, but he holds out hope for change and thinks if my husband wants our marriage to work then he may want to do the work to help us create a more intimate and communicative marriage -- along with me working also -- of course.

I suppose doing the work would entail me agreeing to marriage counseling.

In any event, it's felt like a crazy week with my husband screaming like crazy at me and my XAP screaming at me. I always felt like one day it would work out that I would be without both of them -- and perhaps it will.

And for what it's worth, I don't mind if my husband expresses emotion -- I would prefer for him to -- but I would prefer it not to be drunken insanity or strange little boy behavior.

As for my XAP, I understand he has some anger issues about our affair -- but I did not have the affair alone, so I find it interesting how he points all the blame in my direction like I had sex with him while wielding a knife or something.

Fun times.

May 20, 2010

Your H tells you about his counseling sessions, you refuse to tell him about yours, and yet you complain that he isn't communicating, WTF? If you REALLY want communication, NOW, then you need to be upfront with him, NOW. What happened in the past is exactly that, in the past. You are the one , who is being uncommunicative, not your H. For example, does he know that you are still in contact with the AP?

May 20, 2010

I think your H really needs to D your selfish ass sam.

May 20, 2010

I like you, Sam, I really do. You can be very insightful and sympathetic, but you can also be very stubborn , and dissembling. You seem to be putting the ox before the cart here. Concentrate on both of your communication and honesty skills, you and your H, then worry about the sex. I also am one who believes that you can get aroused by your H, if you truly want to. But now isn't the time.

May 20, 2010

Okay, you and I don't see eye to eye on just about...well...anything. So I'm not going to jump up and down on you, and you aren't going to ignore my sage advice. But there is a niggling worry.

The yelling H, I can understand. It's scary, but understandable. That wound needed to be lanced (and may need to be several more times), to get the poison out, before it can heal, with or without you in his life. At this point I'm leaning towards without, because from what I can see, right now emotionally speaking you're all take and no give. (Okay, so a little jumping up and down.) I draw the line at physical violence though. If he so much as lays a single finger on you, promise us you're gone. A hole in the air. There is no justification for getting physical with a woman.

Anyway, the real worry is the yelling xAP. Were any threats made, or even implied? That you know of, does he have even the slightest history of untoward behavior when he's jilted?

JAG

May 20, 2010

Excellent idea. How do you block someone from calling an iPhone?

C'mon - there's got to be an app for that!

I think you missed an opportunity when you shut your husband down after he asked about your counselling.

You have been complaining about his lack of communication and the general lack of intimacy in the relationship. Intimacy requires sharing. Your H was asking you to share. Maybe he wanted insight about what was going on inside you.

Actually, another opportunity was when he asked if you were mad (twice) and you just answered, effectively, "Yes" and left it at that. Doesn't that seem like exactly the opportunity to start communicating intimately about what is going on in the relationship? It sounds like you are each shutting the other one out. It's a standoff.

AND does your H know you still communicate with OM?

Ouch - indeed...

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