Pretending

[piscis]

MM and I had dinner yesterday.

He asked me please not to talk about when he is leaving home (he is supposed to leave in August) we had a blast! the best time ever.

But I mean how can we just sat there and pretend everything was ok, I mean I wanted to have a good time because from a month til today we argue a lot (about him returning home after being on his own for 2 months) and we had a good time, we remember why we are together in the first place, we laughed and of course have awsome sex afterwards.

 

He stayed for the night (he always do)

 

Today we went to work, had lunch together and at night he is going back to his W and I ask how much time can I pretend it is Ok, because it is not, not anymore

[bentnotbroken]

It's okay as long as you allow it to be okay. Seems like your actions don't match what you say you want.

[whichwayisup]

To me, and this is just my opinion from what you've said, it seems like he's totally fine with things as they are, as an affair, for you to be the OW, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I doubt very much he's going to leave and divorce his wife by summer's end.

 

You love him and want to be with him, possibly marry him someday..The thing is, you may have to wait many years, or maybe wait forever. He left his wife once, went back home, and his actions (as well as asking you to stop asking him about divorcing his wife) show you he has no plans on following through on what he's told you.

 

You have a choice to make. Stay and be the OW, live by his rules, see him on his time frame, or end it, so you can find someone else to start a life with.

[nadiaj2727]

I agree with BentNotBroken... you should decide what you want and go for that. If you want to stay the OW then stay and accept the situation as it is. If you want to not be the OW then get out of the situation. Right now you are kind of sitting in this grey area you aren't happy with. You feel like you're tilting in one direction or the other so eventually you have to pick a side. Good luck.

 

ETA - Just realized that was WWIU's advice too ha ha.

 

Anyway you should not compromise what you truly want for any man. You're better that that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It seems to me he just wanted to go out and have a night of fun instead of doing the usual arguing and feeling pressured.

[jwi71]

It seems to me he just wanted to go out and have a night of fun instead of doing the usual arguing and feeling pressured.

 

You mean he wanted to avoid conflict.

Where oh where have I heard that before?

 

This is little more than HIM wanting it HIS way on HIS terms and to hell with what's important to you Piscis.

 

I bet this is a pattern...

[naturegirl]

You should be true to yourself and your feelings and if this is not working for you or it is not what you want--give yourself permission to end it.

[torranceshipman]

MM and I had dinner yesterday.

He asked me please not to talk about when he is leaving home (he is supposed to leave in August) we had a blast! the best time ever.

But I mean how can we just sat there and pretend everything was ok, I mean I wanted to have a good time because from a month til today we argue a lot (about him returning home after being on his own for 2 months) and we had a good time, we remember why we are together in the first place, we laughed and of course have awsome sex afterwards.

 

He stayed for the night (he always do)

 

Today we went to work, had lunch together and at night he is going back to his W and I ask how much time can I pretend it is Ok, because it is not, not anymore

 

So he gets no strings fun then, and no blame for the bad things that he's done and the times that he has hurt you. No wonder HE enjoyed it. And you enjoyed it because he was in a good mood. And that's why you both had a good time. Are you okay with that or are you hoping for more in this R?

[lovingagain]

I think the nature of having an affair means that sometimes you just have to bite your tongue as otherwise you could just ruin every time you are together. I mean the longer you are in, the more it hurts, the more you want to say 'hey that really hurt me' and the less time you have to talk about it, and then the night is going to be focused on that instead of enjoying the moment.

 

You could have said, right I am not going to mention that tonight, but we will talk say on Friday about it? We will enjoy tonight and sort it out later?

 

Ok MM gets a get out of jail free card for the evening, but if he has conflict at home (and no guy/woman who is having an affair does not have conflict at home whether W/H knows or not, there is the stress) and with you every time he sees you, guess what will happen.

[OWoman]

I think the nature of having an affair means that sometimes you just have to bite your tongue as otherwise you could just ruin every time you are together.

 

I disagree with this.

 

If your unhappiness with the situation is such that you're having to suppress feelings or issues in order to keep the peace, it's not a R, it's a charade. You're not being yourself, and chances are the AP is not being themselves either, suppressing issues that they'd rather not discuss or feelings they'd rather not confront. If you're a believer in the "fake it till you make it" school of coping - sure, you might eventually learn to erase yourself entirely from the R and get along perfectly well on the surface, but neither of you will ever really be satisfied - and you'll be setting deeply unhealthy patterns in place that will be very hard to shift later.

 

Piscis - if you're not happy to have certain topics banned - say so. It's his problem to deal with that, not yours.

[piscis]

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

 

The thing here is that he had already moved out of the marital home and then he returned in order to end things (he says he needs mind peace to see for him self that his little daughter will be fine not having him around and for him to forgive himself due to leaving).

 

Then he told me he was returning home to end it in a pacific and more civilized way that when he left the first time (he left due to his W discovering the A) and he said he needed 4 months to put everything in the right place.

Among all my feelings I am very sad and angry because every time his W called and said she was leaving with the girl for good and he won`t see her again, and when she made him a hard time I always listen, always tried to give him an objective advice it did not matter if it was 2 am or 6 pm.

So if he returned home to end it (which I doubt I think he wants to do it but wont at the end) or not of course I have been a rollercoaster sometimes I think that if it is true wow I love him even more for trying to do it in a better way but I feel like crap and he has listen to me everytime and explains (or justifies) his actions and we have tlaked and talked and it was fine having a break for one night and have fun yes but I think I deserve him listening to me as I listen to him daily when he needed to talk and now he tells me hat he has mind peace at home conciliating but not with me and I ammaking it too hard for him....

[OWoman]

it was fine having a break for one night and have fun yes but I think I deserve him listening to me as I listen to him daily when he needed to talk and now he tells me hat he has mind peace at home conciliating but not with me and I ammaking it too hard for him....

 

It does not sound like you are getting what you want / need out of this R. If you've told him that, and he is still unwilling to provide it (as your comment that he says you are "making it too hard for him" suggests) then you have a choice:

• accept what he's willing to give you, even though it's less than what you want / need, because that's how it's going to be;

or

• cut your losses and leave.
  

 

Wanting it to be different won't make it so. If he's not prepared to give you any more than he's giving you - and is happy to dictate terms on which he's prepared to give you anything at all - then clearly YOU, and what you want and need, are not his priority. You might be OK with this, at least in the short term, hoping that things will change at the mythical point where he decides he's ready to change them, or you might not. It's your call, though - not his. If you're happy with the R as it is, great. If you're not, leave.

[jwi71]

 

The thing here is that he had already moved out of the marital home and then he returned in order to end things (he says he needs mind peace to see for him self that his little daughter will be fine not having him around and for him to forgive himself due to leaving).

 

No one RETURNS to end it.

You have your answer. He's not leaving (in fact he returned).

So...are you OK with it?

 

If so...continue being the OW.

If not...leave.

 

Up to you.

[stillafool]

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

 

The thing here is that he had already moved out of the marital home and then he returned in order to end things (he says he needs mind peace to see for him self that his little daughter will be fine not having him around and for him to forgive himself due to leaving).

 

 

Does it make sense to you that someone who wanted to leave, had moved out, would want to move back in to end things? No, if he wanted to make sure his daughter was okay he would spend time with her out of the home, or set up counseling for the two of them to help her through this transition. Moving back home would just confuse her if he had no plans to stay. He is lying to you.

 

Then he told me he was returning home to end it in a pacific and more civilized way that when he left the first time (he left due to his W discovering the A) and he said he needed 4 months to put everything in the right place.

 

Again, what sense does this make if his goal was to leave. There is no specific or civilized way to say "goodbye, I'm leaving you because I want to be with the OW". It takes 4 months to do this? He is lying to you.

 

I listen to him daily when he needed to talk and now he tells me hat he has mind peace at home conciliating but not with me and I ammaking it too hard for him....

 

He does not want to talk about it because he is not leaving. He is lying to you.

[nadiaj2727]

I agree with what the last couple of posters have said. Please don't be naive here. He is telling you he went home to end it... does that make sense? Do you think that every minute he's home he's telling his wife "I want to end it, I want to end it"? No, because if so, she would say fine, then, leave. Or if she was being clingy and saying "please give us another try" then he needs to man up and say, "I'm seriously ending it, I was trying to make it easier on you but I see now that you won't get it until I actually leave, so I must leave to go be with my love Piscis." I mean, she knows about you. This isn't a case where she's trying to figure out WHY he left and MAYBE he had an affair or is having an affair. She knows he had one, she even threatened to leave him because of it, so I am 110% sure he is NOT working on leaving her but instead working on trying to stay in her good graces so she doesn't really decide to kick his butt to the curb.

 

Is this the kind of man you want?

[silverplanets]

Hi Pisces,

 

I feel for you, I really do. You've watched him leave, and then go back. And now he doesn't want to talk about when he's due to be leaving again.

 

If you leave then he'll probably accuse you of not waiting for him and being understanding - which will be a justification for him staying. If you stay available then you have absolutely no guarantees.

 

He's drawn a line for you though - his leaving is not for you and him to discuss .... so either you accept that or you don't. He's made his positon perfectly clear.

 

As a man with a daughter and having been through this I can see why he would feel the need to sort out an amicable arrangment, however, I can also say that this does not require him to live there. He could easily have kept his place and arranged (if he felt it the right thing to do) to spend time at their house for his daughter's sake and then gradually introduced the concpet of her spending more time at his place.

 

Likewise, he could introduce the concept of weekends away ....

 

In short, to ease the pain on his daughter there are a million creative ways of lessening the "shock" of it ...

 

If his wife was preventing him from seeing his daughter then he had ways to approach that other than moving back in ...

 

The reality is he probably doesn't know where the heck he is or what he's doing .... it's all emotions, confusion and guilt ...

 

On the other hand he is perfectly in control of himself enough to make sure that he gets his fun from you whilst at the same time drawing a line at what you can discuss.

 

So I don't know .. how do you reconcile the image of him being confused and emotionally torn enough to go back with the rather more "in control" image of him being able to draw a very firm boundry with you that says "fun" and nothing else please.

 

At some level he IS managing himself ... and doing what he chooses ... and perhaps that's the hardest thing to accept????

 

As I said, it just sucks for you.

 

Me .. I'd book a holiday for myself - right now, for two weeks and get some space to work out what I wanted !!!

 

After all, who else in this triangle is looking out for you and your needs/health ... ????

 

C

[BB07]

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

 

The thing here is that he had already moved out of the marital home and then he returned in order to end things (he says he needs mind peace to see for him self that his little daughter will be fine not having him around and for him to forgive himself due to leaving).

 

Then he told me he was returning home to end it in a pacific and more civilized way that when he left the first time (he left due to his W discovering the A) and he said he needed 4 months to put everything in the right place.

Among all my feelings I am very sad and angry because every time his W called and said she was leaving with the girl for good and he won`t see her again, and when she made him a hard time I always listen, always tried to give him an objective advice it did not matter if it was 2 am or 6 pm.

So if he returned home to end it (which I doubt I think he wants to do it but wont at the end) or not of course I have been a rollercoaster sometimes I think that if it is true wow I love him even more for trying to do it in a better way but I feel like crap and he has listen to me everytime and explains (or justifies) his actions and we have tlaked and talked and it was fine having a break for one night and have fun yes but I think I deserve him listening to me as I listen to him daily when he needed to talk and now he tells me hat he has mind peace at home conciliating but not with me and I ammaking it too hard for him....

 

 

IMO....he is full of ****e to think that he is going to have peace by going back. It will never happen and it's way too late for that, all he is doing is fooling himself and trying to fool you too and right now you want to buy that story, but inside you know that it's a bunch of BS. The damage is already done and more than likely he is making it worse for his wife and daughter. No matter how much he would like to.......he can't fix what has already transpired, the only thing he can do is minimize it now, and do what is least painful for all concerned. He needs to find his gonads.

[Brokenlady]

It does not sound like you are getting what you want / need out of this R. If you've told him that, and he is still unwilling to provide it (as your comment that he says you are "making it too hard for him" suggests) then you have a choice:

• accept what he's willing to give you, even though it's less than what you want / need, because that's how it's going to be;
  

or

• cut your losses and leave.
  

Wanting it to be different won't make it so. If he's not prepared to give you any more than he's giving you - and is happy to dictate terms on which he's prepared to give you anything at all - then clearly YOU, and what you want and need, are not his priority. You might be OK with this, at least in the short term, hoping that things will change at the mythical point where he decides he's ready to change them, or you might not. It's your call, though - not his. If you're happy with the R as it is, great. If you're not, leave.

 

 

This is very very sage advice. Pretend this is a normal relationship that didn't start as an affair...would you tolerate a consistent and apparently permanent pattern of not getting your needs met? Even if he does leave again (which seems doubtful) he appears to have interest in meeting your needs. So what do you have to look forward to with him? A lifetime of not getting your needs met.