How Do You Know if the Ultimatum is Genuine?

[MadMission]

Mad,

I linked your post to another one over on the OW board. I thought she might want to see what she's in for if she chooses that route. I hope you don't mind.

 

jthorne,

 

Sure...the link is fine.

But, also feel free to copy/paste my post into the body of your response on OW board. That's fine, too.

[Star727]

Hi Mad,

 

I'm sitting here thinking. OW will NEVER have the kind of life I've had for 23 years. Yeah, what WS did was awful and he deserves to be stuck with OW and not me.

 

But when you weigh it all out, what he did was not enough for me to kick him out. It just isnt for me. I got close though. I think what got it close for me are the D-days after the first one. There shouldnt have been another D-Day.

 

Thats what bothers me the most. He wouldnt stop when I told him to. He kept sneaking around till I threatened him. I hate to sound like a mother scolding her child, but thats what I did with him.

 

I think what really made him start acting like he's got some sense is that after I told him I wanted a divorce, I started acting like I was ready to go it alone. I felt better because I had made a decision to end my suffering and it showed. Wasnt doing it to make him act right - I had given up on that, my attitude just changed and I started living my life as if I was alone and I was having fun. Now he knows that I don't have to take his bull****. Very good feeling.

 

In all that I've been through, I lost my "Joy". After 2 years it hasnt come back yet but hopefully one day it will. A lot of things I was into before the A, I dropped out of after D-Day because of the loss of my "Joy". I dont know how to get it back. But, I'm still working, raising the kids and working with husband to start a new marriage.

 

Emotionally I feel I have to start all over again. Is it that way with everyone? Once a couple decides to make the marriage work, do you literally have to start all over?

[MadMission]

Hi Mad,

 

I'm sitting here thinking. OW will NEVER have the kind of life I've had for 23 years. Yeah, what WS did was awful and he deserves to be stuck with OW and not me.

 

But when you weigh it all out, what he did was not enough for me to kick him out. It just isnt for me. I got close though. I think what got it close for me are the D-days after the first one. There shouldnt have been another D-Day.

 

Thats what bothers me the most. He wouldnt stop when I told him to. He kept sneaking around till I threatened him. I hate to sound like a mother scolding her child, but thats what I did with him.

 

I think what really made him start acting like he's got some sense is that after I told him I wanted a divorce, I started acting like I was ready to go it alone. I felt better because I had made a decision to end my suffering and it showed. Wasnt doing it to make him act right - I had given up on that, my attitude just changed and I started living my life as if I was alone and I was having fun. Now he knows that I don't have to take his bull****. Very good feeling.

 

In all that I've been through, I lost my "Joy". After 2 years it hasnt come back yet but hopefully one day it will. A lot of things I was into before the A, I dropped out of after D-Day because of the loss of my "Joy". I dont know how to get it back. But, I'm still working, raising the kids and working with husband to start a new marriage.

 

Emotionally I feel I have to start all over again. Is it that way with everyone? Once a couple decides to make the marriage work, do you literally have to start all over?

 

Hi Star,

 

It all comes down to what YOU can tolerate.

 

You are sucking up an aweful lot to remain in the M...as are most other BS who want and try to R.

And, that is OK if that is what you want.

 

I know you've been in this for 2 years now. That's a long time. But, sometimes it takes awhile to get the kind of clarity needed to make choices with confidence. And, your H is sending you mixed messages...which does not help...adds to your confusion about where his heart is and if he has stayed for the 'right' reasons.

 

It is never too late for you to change your mind about your H and M.

 

By his infidelity, your H has handed you a "Get Out of Marriage Free" card which can be played at anytime. No guilt for you.

 

I wish you all the best.

Take care of yourself.

[turnera]

I think that the only thing I see missing is that, since you say he never admitted that what he did was all that bad, or something to that effect, something has been left unfinished. I guess it just feels like you two are together out of convenience.

 

Don't you want more than that?

 

Don't you want to wake up and feel loved in the morning?

 

Are you sure it's not your fear of being alone and possibly not finding another person, that keeps you with him?

[norajane]

Hi Mad,

 

I'm sitting here thinking. OW will NEVER have the kind of life I've had for 23 years. Yeah, what WS did was awful and he deserves to be stuck with OW and not me.

 

But when you weigh it all out, what he did was not enough for me to kick him out. It just isnt for me. I got close though. I think what got it close for me are the D-days after the first one. There shouldnt have been another D-Day.

 

Thats what bothers me the most. He wouldnt stop when I told him to. He kept sneaking around till I threatened him.

 

Yes, you've had a life for 23 years, but he's been lying to you and betraying your trust for almost half your marriage. And who knows what he was up to before then? And he doesn't want to stop his affair, nor does he admit he did anything wrong.

 

So, really, what is it that you have here?

[Star727]

All are good points. Now the question is, what the hell do I do? Here's why:

 

1) I'm recuperating from knee replacement surgery, still cant get around very good and he does everything I need done right now and if I kicked him out now, I will be greatly inconvenienced;

 

2) Out of guilt or to keep me from being on him about his affair, he has done so much for me and given me alot and I like that. If he left now, I wouldnt get those things anymore;

 

3) He's my ride to and from work. If he left, I'd have to go through the changes of getting there and I'm comfortable the way it is now;

 

4) He does the laundry, buy groceries, take the kids where they have to go. If he left, I'd have to hobble around doing that. I still use a cane!

 

5) He gives up half his paycheck every payday. I am getting caught up on my bills very good. Not ready to stop that yet.

 

And, we currently are having fun together. We do things together. We talk to each other alot, we interact with the kids more than before.

 

It very well could be a marriage of convenience for him but for me too. I'm getting alot of what we are doing. I feel like he is using me, but arent I doing the same thing? Seems to me he's only here because its convenient for me. If he wasnt doing all these things, I would have no reason to have him here.

 

So for better or for worse, we are using each other. To some, I know you feel I should kick him out and just deal with the inconvenience because its the principal of it all - he cheated and I should have to deal with that. Yeah I know I shouldnt have to deal with it and believe me a time will come when this is taken care of.

 

Now that the affair is no longer a secret, I wouldnt be surprised if OW now tries to get him to leave, divorce me or something. I doubt he will do that. He's too much of a coward to do anything first. The fact that he's still here could break them up anyway which is a good thing.

 

I have time on my side. Time to emotionally entangle myself from a 23 year marriage. I sound harsh like I don't love him but I care about him alot and I need time to emotionally get myself ready to either put my heart back in it, or leave it. Time will tell which way I need to go. We'll see what happens.

 

Its okay for you guys to be the "angel on my shoulder" because I'm not perfect, I don't always have the correct answers, I might be doing all the wrong things and its good to hear other opinions.

 

Thanks alot. Keep talking to me.

[Star727]

JT,

I elaborated on OW site about the hickey deal. That was over 2 years ago.

 

Dont be sad. I'm not doing anything to hurt myself by living like this for the time being. And you know what, even though I care about him, the thought that he might be still in contact or the fact that we've never resolved this doesnt hurt me anymore.

 

Its important that I dont hurt anymore. I'm doing fine the way things are. I don't know how this is going to play out in the end but however way it ends, I know I will be fine.

 

It might sound selfish on my part, but if he wants out, he's going to have to go out on his own, all by himself without me helping him by telling him to leave. I have helped him out and been there for him for 23 years and if he wants to be with someone else, they should pay for it - not me.

 

I've slowly made some changes (so he won't notice and be on guard) to my financials and I need more time for that. Since I can't trust him anymore, I can't trust that he will do the right thing if we decide to go our separate ways so I want to make sure my children and I are covered. I've put things in place so he can't touch some monies that I have and monies that I have saved.

 

I'm getting my ducks in a row thats all. I don't want to be put in a bad financial situation and have to ask relatives to help me. I'll say again, I don't know whats going to happen but I want to be ready if the worse does.

 

I'm still living well, getting healthier everyday. Looking forward to the day I can walk down the stairs left foot, right foot and without a cane!!!!!

[Star727]

I think that the only thing I see missing is that, since you say he never admitted that what he did was all that bad, or something to that effect, something has been left unfinished. I guess it just feels like you two are together out of convenience.

 

Don't you want more than that?

 

Don't you want to wake up and feel loved in the morning?

 

Are you sure it's not your fear of being alone and possibly not finding another person, that keeps you with him?

 

 

Yes, I want more than that.

 

Yes, I want to feel loved by someone

 

There might be some fear of being alone and not finding another man. I think about that. The weird part - he's been working overtime at being everything to me - trying to make me so dependent on him that I wont kick him out. He's wrong - I can take care of myself and the kids but its very convenient right now for me to sit back and let him bust his ass for me.

 

I guess you can call me selfish.

[Star727]

Yes, you've had a life for 23 years, but he's been lying to you and betraying your trust for almost half your marriage. And who knows what he was up to before then? And he doesn't want to stop his affair, nor does he admit he did anything wrong.

 

So, really, what is it that you have here?

 

 

Not much. But he working his ass off to show me that he's not doing anything wrong. I like it. It helps me out a lot.

 

He's about to put more laundry in the washing machine now and fold the clothes from the dryer. I'm about to give him a grocery list - there are some things I need...

 

I'm okay for now. For those newly married folks on LS, this is not by all means a way to have a marriage so dont know what I do. We all have to handle these things differently. Some people have zero patience for infidelity and will throw the bum out regardless of their consequences and will learn how to deal with less or inconvenience. I dont want to be inconvenienced.

 

I dont know what going to happen. I dont know if he is still seeing OW. He constantly says he's not he's home all the time and I havent found any remnants of a secret prepaid cell phone so all I can do is take his word for it until he makes a dumb mistake. He might not, I dont know.

 

We'll see what happens.

[WalkInThePark]

I think your relationship can't work because it is not an equal relationship. You are not in the same league and honestly, your league is way higher than his.

You are wearing the pants in this relationship which is justified seen the fact that you are more competent than him. But a man has his pride even if he is not very competent. That's why he will never feel good with you. Your fault has been to downgrade yourself by marrying him. Deep down he knows this and he has been looking for some appreciation and admiration outside your marriage by going to someone who was weaker than him.

 

The question is not so much if he is honest when he says he wants to stay but why you want to be with someone who is not in your league.

[Star727]

Wow Walk, thats an interesting take on it.

 

My girlfriends are angry with him for cheating on me because they say "you took nothing and made something out of it".

 

Sometimes I think when God gives you something, its for a reason. Maybe he put us together because my husband needed a real positive life for a change. God was giving him one more chance to do right, so he gave him ME. I think I have changed him from the man he used to be and turned him into a responsible, hard working man who everyone respects. Unfortunately for me, he doesnt need me anymore. In my mind, I was thinking less of myself and thought he was cheating on me with better people who more on the ball than myself. I thought I wasnt enough for him anymore - now that he has a good job, benefits, money in his pockets, driving a fancy car.

 

But now, the thought of him cheating on me with a weaker or lowered self esteem person so he could look superior to them - I dont know how that makes me feel. Maybe like I'm the mother and he's the child? I don't like that feeling.

 

I'm thinking of little situations over the years - and yes, I can see him feeling that he's not in my league. Things he's said over the years, how he treats my college friends (he's overly critical of them). A lot of things are coming to mind now.

 

Wow - I remember when I told my parents I was pregnant and was going to marry him - my mother threw a major tantrum! She hollered, "Not him!! He's NOTHING!!!" I married him anyway. As it turned out, he has been a major help for her after my father died so she loves him to death now.

 

When you think about it, its kinda sad. Living your life in someone's shadows and feeling unequal in the relationship - I guess could make one resent the other. Maybe thats why he's had this 10 year relationship with another woman - he resents me but loves his life he has with me.

 

Wow...

[bananalaffytaffy]

Geez Grandus, I don't know what your issues are, but hash them out on your own thread. Insulting the OP who is the BS here isn't helpful.

Her WS had all kinds of choices along the way. If he felt emasculated, he had more choices than to cheat, dontcha think?

[Star727]

Grandus,

 

I'm going to assume that your entire life is "picture perfect" so you feel you can "diss" people who are writing on this site who are confused, bewildered, sad, anxious, heartbroken, questioning of everything, emotionally beaten down, etc.

 

If your life is so totally complete - go to the "perfect people's site". This site is for people who have mutual problems that they just don't have an answer for and in talking about their problems, others who might be in a situation similar can give some thoughtful answers, solutions, etc.

 

All that mean **** you were saying to me - you can kiss my ass.

 

I have enjoyed talking to the rest of the folks on LS. Its been helpful. A lot of comments I've received have really given me another way to look at things. EVERYTHING IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE. There are reasons people do what they do, there are reasons people put up with what they put up with, there are reasons why people let things happen to them and there are reasons why people get fed up and do things differently. I've read them all on LS.

 

Insulting me line by line from multiple posts is sick and if you are pissed off about something, write it in your Journal and leave me the hell alone!!!!! I have enough drama on my plate and I don't intend to have to come on this site and listen to your bull****.

 

Okay, I get what you are saying. I should leave my husband. I get it so kiss my ass!!!!!!!!!