Soni Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I'm 21 and he is nearly 27 but it is actually his immature behaviour that is the problem not the other way round as it might seem from the age difference! I am finding his behaviour really hard to deal with and I don't know whether it is best for us to split up? I do love him but I don't feel like he makes any effort in our relationship! Every time he is meant to come to my house he turns up late and by late I mean 3-4 hours late however he can't see why I would have a problem with this? even if we are meant to be going out (which is very rarely)! He just says ''yeah well I had things to do'' and expects that to be enough? He gets extremely jelous if I have friends and as it was my 21st birthday recently one of my friends has a really cute t shirt made for me and he got really jelous and started saying I had got it off another guy which he does all the time! He goes out with his friends, does what he wants when he wants and I don't have a problem with it, but anything I do I get accused of cheating! This is why around 9 months ago we had a big fall out and I told him it was over and he harrassed me none stop for about 2 months until I took him back, he is aggressive towards me and threatens me that if he finds out I'm seeing someone else that he basically doesn't have a problem hitting me, and I am constantly being watched and judged by him about this subject! We don't agree on anything and I find his views very narrow minded and immature, we never do anything together or go out together and I don't enjoy being around him anymore but I feel like I can't leave him! I try and tell him how I feel and he either gets angry or gets upset and just makes out its my fault for starting the argument/discussion in the first place or says ''well you just don't like me anyway so what can I say''! I try to talk to him as an adult but he always gives me comments like that and plays the victim! He says he loves me so much but he doesn't seem to care or realise that his actions and words are very different! He never makes an effort to do things with me or ask what I think or feel about anything and all he ever talks about is himself, I don't feel like I'm in a relationship and I don't even feel as if I have a boyfriend anymore because everything I do, I do alone or with friends because he is never around or interested.... As I said I do love him but I don't even feel like I can leave because he is very controlling, I just don't know what to do for the best because when he starts getting upset it does make me feel guilty...... I'm sorry this is such a long post I just really need some advice on where to go from here Edited May 19, 2010 by Soni
lov3_5pell Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 SWEETIE, this guy sounds like those jerks who don't know what they've got until it's too late. You should break up with him. If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't act that way towards you. I really think you need a man, who's going to care about you and yes, I know, there's not a man out there who's going to be perfect, because heck, us ladies are far from perfect, but it sounds like he doesn't respect you. Frankly, I think a gal like you can do better.
Author Soni Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 (edited) Thats such a sweet thing to say I think ultimately it comes down to the fact that I need a man not a boy and I can't see that he is ever going to grow up if he hasn't after 5 years he isn't going to any time soon, I guess it isn't a reflection on him as a person he just isn't the right one for me? Edited May 19, 2010 by Soni
lov3_5pell Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Thats such a sweet thing to say I think ultimately it comes down to the fact that I need a man not a boy and I can't see that he is ever going to grow up if he hasn't after 5 years he isn't going to any time soon, I guess it isn't a reflection on him as a person he just isn't the right one for me? YES! That's it! You NEED a man! Not a boy. Right on! And you know what, maybe he isn't the one for you, but maybe he is. And if he is, then he'll start caring and grow up. My best friend broke up with her boyfriend for similar reasons, and it made him realize how much he loved her, and he shaped up and they've been married for 2 years now. So you never know. You just have to make the decision for yourself. What does your gut tell you? And go with it.
Author Soni Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I did leave him about 9 months ago and he started harassing me, turning up at my house 4 times a day and sitting outside in his car for an hour before he left, calling my mobile hundreds of times in a day, until it reached the point where I thought I was going to have an emotional melt down and I went and stayed at a friends house for 2 weeks! After that we talked and I explained why I did what I did and he seemed different, he seemed to understand and relax, we started getting on really well but things started to go back to how they had been and now its exactly like it was before when I decided to leave him which is what makes me think he won't change even if I do leave or give an ultimatum
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Honey, you need to leave him. He is abusive and controlling, or else one day you can end in a body bag. (God forbid) He does not sound one bit stable. At the end that is not "love". Do you have family that can probably speak to this jerk?! Like your dad?
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I did leave him about 9 months ago and he started harassing me, turning up at my house 4 times a day and sitting outside in his car for an hour before he left, calling my mobile hundreds of times in a day, until it reached the point where I thought I was going to have an emotional melt down and I went and stayed at a friends house for 2 weeks! After that we talked and I explained why I did what I did and he seemed different, he seemed to understand and relax, we started getting on really well but things started to go back to how they had been and now its exactly like it was before when I decided to leave him which is what makes me think he won't change even if I do leave or give an ultimatum This will become your never ending story. The only way that he can change is if he gets help. He got emotional and anger issues. Kinda psycho. You need to be careful because this is a walking bomb. Dont provoke him but start releasing him. If he doesn't offer you time and never shows up, one way to distance yourself is to stop inviting him. Love is blind... but you need to open your eyes, what we at times think is love is truly not.
Author Soni Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I don't have a dad and my family aren't close at all so I don't even feel like I can go to them for any type of support because it just won't happen, I know its my situation to deal with but sometimes it takes another person to show you that you can change things for yourself and that a situation isn't right, it's hard because I am so used to him after 5 years and he makes me feel like if I did leave him that would make me a really bad person, he started threatening self harm when I left him and once he found a picture on my phone that my friend sent me of her new boyfriend and went crazy, he said I was cheating and slapped me, pulled out a clump of my hair but after he made me feel like I deserved it and that I was to blame because he thought I was cheating on him.... He messes with my head and makes me feel like I'm wrong about everything and that I am the one who is being bad
PrettyinInk Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 don't let him guilt you or make you feel bad, you have to do what is right for you, and that is break up with him! he may not have hit you yet, but i gurantee he will in the future. you are better of without him.
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 slapped me, pulled out a clump of my hair but after he made me feel like I deserved it and that I was to blame because he thought I was cheating on him.... He messes with my head and makes me feel like I'm wrong about everything and that I am the one who is being bad Oh honey, you are in a very abusive relationship. He slapped you???? You need help and you need it ASAP!!!! YOU ARE NOT WRONG! You are being manipulated by some abusive bastard! Breaks my heart when I see this type of abusive and women who feel like they have no other choice but to get pounded on. AGH!!!!!! This is not cool and you dont want your life to be this way. In reality, this man has nothing to offer you but to destroy your life and even end it. Leave, if he gets stupid call the cops, get a restraining order, call a shelter... DO SOMETHING BUT DONT STAY!!!!!!!!
lov3_5pell Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Sweetie, u NEED to get out of this relationship. You are soooo much better than that. AND YOU DESERVE BETTER! I'm more afraid for your well-being after knowing what he has done to you, and suggest you get help...like, seriously call the cops and report these things so he can't hurt you anymore. And I agree with what was earlier stated, YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE ANY **** HE GIVES YOU! Because you don't.
marsle85 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 He's a loser. What you need to do is re-read your post as if your best friend was that girl... what would you tell her?
sally4sara Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I don't have a dad and my family aren't close at all so I don't even feel like I can go to them for any type of support because it just won't happen, I know its my situation to deal with but sometimes it takes another person to show you that you can change things for yourself and that a situation isn't right, it's hard because I am so used to him after 5 years and he makes me feel like if I did leave him that would make me a really bad person, he started threatening self harm when I left him and once he found a picture on my phone that my friend sent me of her new boyfriend and went crazy, he said I was cheating and slapped me, pulled out a clump of my hair but after he made me feel like I deserved it and that I was to blame because he thought I was cheating on him.... He messes with my head and makes me feel like I'm wrong about everything and that I am the one who is being bad What troubles me most is you didn't include this violent aspect in your opening post. You are ashamed. It is HIS behavior and YOU are ashamed. Don't you see how screwed up that is? How programmed you are and how completely programmed you will be if you continue to stay? How programmed any kids you might have with him will be? Find a support group close to you and let them help you get this guy out of your life. Restraining order girl! Call the cops every time he breeches it. Press charges! New phone number and a buddy system with your friends till he gives up.
harmfulsweetz Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 You need to leave him. It's already gone too far. I know it's tough especially when there's violence involved, but you need to do it or else you will end up seriously hurt. You do not need to be guilt tripped into staying with a jerk like him, or scared into it, and there are organisations that can offer you support and guidance through this who have helped others in similar situations. Alert the police to the situation, get a restraining order and log each time he calls, and breaches it, and phone the police until he stops. Rely on your friends in times like these, and yes, change your number and things. Please do not stay with him, it will only get worse. You do not deserve this, and do not allow yourself to be controlled and manipulated by him a moment longer.
sally4sara Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Do you have any friends or relatives that live a decent distance away that might let you stay with them until this blows over? It could be as easy and filing a restraining order and then just disappearing for a few months. And his threat to self harm? Don't even buy that; he has no real intent. I' willing to put money on it that if you disappeared, he might ask around about you, but in a weeks time - he'd be out looking for someone else to bully. To a guy like that? He is nothing if he has no one to control and terrorize. And that he is bothered by you even having friends? Expect the same jealousy over the time you give to any kids you would have together. Then you'd all be targets.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Of critical importance here is that you were 16 and he was almost 22 when you first started dating. That could have qualified him as a criminal depending upon where you live (and on when the two of you were first sexually active). We already get the idea that he is no good for you. The rest is just about what we expected. You are so much better than that, but it makes so much psychological sense that you have no means through which to see and understand that about yourself. We can easily present the facts and the obvious signs to you but it is going to take you to press the button and be done with this guy once and for all.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 PLEASE LEAVE HIM. he has abused you before and told you explicitly that he has no problem doing it again. he's not even apologetic about it. abusive men only get worse with time (i have seen this first hand) and eventually it could cost you your life. I'm sure that seems like its impossible right now, but its not. this man (although he's not a man because MEN don't abuse women) does not love you or he's not capable of loving you. and when you broke up with him and he swore he loved you and he was going to change and was apologetic about it...that it TYPICAL behavior of perpetrators of domestic violence. they go through those type of cycles. its also a red flag that you were 16 and he was 22 when he went after you, its likely he wanted someone he could control (16 year olds are a lot easier to control than 22 year olds) PLEASE GET OUT. it will only get more difficult to leave as time goes on.
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