Communication

[lizzyanne]

I am sure that anyone who has ever been in a serious long-distance relationship can attest to how utterly essential communication is. In a normal relationship, calling and texting is not the most important thing, but when you are so consistently separate from each others' lives, it is imperative to knowing what is going on and staying involved.

 

My boyfriend is pretty bad with his phone. It has only happened a hand full of times but it really REALLY bugs me. We're at the point where he is tired of hearing me tell him it upsets me and I am actually tired of talking about it. If I could just ignore it, I would because it's honestly as frustrating for me as it is for him. We don't fight about anything else. The relationship, otherwise, is in great shape. Now he is kind of absent-minded but I assume that because I have made changes in my behavior for him that he could put effort into not doing this anymore. These arguments are not productive anymore because we are both just so tired of having them.

 

HOW can I make him do this for me? He is respectful and at any other time completely aware of and sensitive to my feelings. Am I being ridiculous? It is a SERIOUS pet peeve of mine.

 

Thanks for your advice -

 

Lizzy

[Arabella]

The answer is easy. You cannot.

 

I was in a LDR and I had the exact same issue. He wouldn't text/call enough for my liking (and I would go days without hearing from him at all sometimes). I would tell him how much this upset me, we would talk about it, he'd promise to do better... it never changed. The relationship eventually ended.

 

You can't make him contact you more than he wants to. Either accept that this is the amount of contact he feels comfortable with, or move on. Long distance relationships aren't for everyone, unfortunately.

 

Arabella

[Spiritofnow]

It's really late where I am, but I want to give you some kind of answer that may give you hope. I have recently wrote on here about the process I have been through in my LDR, which has enabled me to identify the difference between my RL relationship with my partner and the distance. In my mind, and my experience the two are separate. Obviously, you have to factor in how long you will be in the LDR before you are physically together to come to terms with those different tensions, and more importantly how committed your bf is to helping you deal with those tensions.

 

It took me sometime to get to that stage, but when I did my bf wanted to help me because he wants our relationship to be successful and he wants me to be happy.

 

I explained to him that the distance was causing me to feel unhappy, but when I evaluated that dynamic I felt stuck, because I want to be with him.

 

When he realised how hard I was finding aspects of the distance he made himself more available to me in lots of different ways. He could see that I had tried to help myself and I had asked for his help at different times. I don't think that just because one of you is more equipped at dealing with the distance than the other makes it one persons issue... after-all if ultimately being together is what you both want then it does require team work.

 

Working as a team is just as important if not more than communication in a LDR. I guess, when it comes down to it a LDR can force you to evaluate your relationship. I can't imagine that people enter into this kind of dynamic without asking themselves whether they want to end up with the person they are with - it's just to stressful for that.

 

I hope that helps you.

Edited May 19, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Ronni_W]

Am I being ridiculous?

For continuing to initiate and participate in unproductive communications that neither one of you enjoys, that is solely intended to express your criticism of, and displeasure with him...yes, that is ridiculous behaviour.

 

That's not necessarily saying that the problem is ridiculous...but how you're trying to resolve it, is.

 

Have you two tried reaching a compromise? Like, maybe he's perfectly fine with contact twice a week (or once a month, or whatever)...and maybe your preference is five times a week. You're BOTH going to have to settle for something different than your individual ideal. Your preferences don't trump his; and his don't trump yours.

 

Your other option is to dig deeper: What is really driving you? Lack of trust? General lack of confidence in the long-term viability of the relationship? Fear that ___ ???

 

For what it's worth. Whatever changes you made, were for you -- because YOU wanted to keep him happy, keep the relationship moving forward, were afraid he'd leave if you didn't change, whatever...but it was still your free will choice and there was self-interest in doing/changing whatever you decided to. You can't hold him hostage to that. Well, you can try. But it won't be the best thing for your relationship.

[madjac74]

You cant MAKE him do anything. He should want to text and call you all day to let you know whats going on in his day. However you should understand that there are alot of times during a person's day where its not appropriate to be buried in your phone. My kids have baseball/softball and I want to pay attention to their game and her kid has orchestra. I will try to shoot her a quick text to let her know how my kids did in their at bat or whatever but we dont get angry when we dont get a response right away because we understand that we have priorities and busy lives. Of course when we are at home and having a text conversation, she often picks on me because I am very slow typing my messages.. even on chat. Sometimes her smart butt will text me cricket sound fx while Im typing a response

 

But if this is a situation where you are getting nothing for days then you have every right to be irritated and concerned. We have had busy weekends where the texts and chat is limited and we both agree how much it sucked. But we usually spend an entire sunday night catching up about our weekend and it is great.

 

Well Im not sure I gave you much advice but maybe you can get something out of our LDR experience.

[thisismystory]

Has your bf ever mentioned to you that he just doesn't need as much communication as you to maintain the relationship? Maybe he puts the relationship on hold until you are physically there. Sometimes it's hard understanding where he's coming from. Maybe you can try observing how he communicates when you guys are physically together. That's what worked for me =X

 

I think right now you should just stop pushing the issue further. Back off a little and see if he contacts you first. It's hard to control the feelings of needing communication...but when you try to maintain steady communication and the communication sucks, then that's just as bad. While it is important to reach a compromise, you don't want to make your SO feel obligated to talk to you.

 

Sometimes, I feel like the best thing to do is to do nothing at all. To not think at all.

[madjac74]

 

Sometimes, I feel like the best thing to do is to do nothing at all. To not think at all.

 

I have to agree with that. So many things can go thru your mind when you dont hear from them like usual. And its not even a trust issue. You just worry that something happened to them.