Do women like men who rely on emotions?

[TouchedByViolet]

I bring up this question because I have always found myself an emotional person. Not so much as the average women but definitely more than the average guy.

 

I rely on my feelings and gut to do the right thing and use my feelings as a sense of direction. I also freely talk about my emotions in conversation. Would women count this as a positive or a negative?

[sally4sara]

I think what you described is how most people of any gender identity do. I believe it is what is referred to as a "moral compass".

 

For me, it matters not what the gender of a person is. If they cater to their every emotional whim without any reliance on objective or logical thought, I find them flaky and unreliable. I'm speaking of people who will "feel" one way about something and then "feel" something completely contradictory and act rashly on any feeling no matter what they've said or promised previously.

[carhill]

My experience has been that women see acceptance of and interest in *their* emotions as a positive thing and attractive. Almost uniformly (I have encountered a few exceptions) women do not find a man who *talks* about his feelings to be attractive. She may like that he *expresses* them through actions, but talking about them brings him closer to girlfriend status and kills sexual desire.

 

As an example, my best friend's wife loves that I am compassionate and empathetic and listen to her, but she says also that I 'complain too much', meaning, based on when she says such things, that I talk about my feelings too much. I have had tough moments during my mom's illness and concurrent divorce and, yes, I think it is healthy to share those feelings, but I balance them with the logic and understanding learned in MC. Regardless, her *perception* is that I 'complain too much'. This is a great example of my life history with women. She might 'hate' that her husband has little compassion and doesn't listen to her, but she loves him and is *attracted* to him, forever (nearly 30 years now) trying to get that last bit of his heart. This is common with most of the married couples I know well.

 

I accept that my psychology is different and, generally, not *attractive* to the women I have met in my life. My solution? Modify my people picker to target more compatible women. When I sense the dichotomy I outlined above, I disconnect and move on. Immediately. It's a positive feeling.

 

My advice is to find balance in your words and behaviors and accept your intrinsic psychology. We each are different. Accept that. Not everyone will 'like' it. Some will. If mutual, there ya go

[sally4sara]

My experience has been that women see acceptance of and interest in *their* emotions as a positive thing and attractive. Almost uniformly (I have encountered a few exceptions) women do not find a man who *talks* about his feelings to be attractive. She may like that he *expresses* them through actions, but talking about them brings him closer to girlfriend status and kills sexual desire.

 

As an example, my best friend's wife loves that I am compassionate and empathetic and listen to her, but she says also that I 'complain too much', meaning, based on when she says such things, that I talk about my feelings too much. I have had tough moments during my mom's illness and concurrent divorce and, yes, I think it is healthy to share those feelings, but I balance them with the logic and understanding learned in MC. Regardless, her *perception* is that I 'complain too much'. This is a great example of my life history with women. She might 'hate' that her husband has little compassion and doesn't listen to her, but she loves him and is *attracted* to him, forever (nearly 30 years now) trying to get that last bit of his heart. This is common with most of the married couples I know well.

 

I accept that my psychology is different and, generally, not *attractive* to the women I have met in my life. My solution? Modify my people picker to target more compatible women. When I sense the dichotomy I outlined above, I disconnect and move on. Immediately. It's a positive feeling.

 

My advice is to find balance in your words and behaviors and accept your intrinsic psychology. We each are different. Accept that. Not everyone will 'like' it. Some will. If mutual, there ya go

 

I think I get what you're saying.

I have a guy friend, really great guy. Lots of common interests. But in the moments I knew him and I was single, he just seemed too fragile for my blunt nature.

And now that he is freshly wounded from his last serious relationship, I have been his shoulder to cry on a handful of times. I move on from a busted relationship faster than he is currently doing. These handful of counsel moments (2 and 3 hour long conversations) leave me feeling drained and frustrated. Mostly due to knowing he deserves better and she isn't worth being this upset over, but also due to how much it is upsetting to see someone you care about stuck in such a cycle of pain.

He has survived leukemia twice now, and I swear he handled that better than this break up.

So maybe yeah I can see where this might make someone think I'm less comfortable with emotions from men, but I've felt this way after a while when a female friend does the same.

Is it possible your friend would feel the same about a woman that, by her standards, "complains too much"?

[GorillaTheater]

My wife used to say periodically that she wanted me to be more open about my feelings. Now, I don't particularly trust the transitory nature of most feelings and emotions, and generally try not to rely on them too heavily in day-to-day life. But I thought, okay, you want to hear about my feelings? I'll give it a shot.

 

It didn't take long to figure out that she didn't want to hear about them after all. I get that. For a woman who values security, finding out some of the weird stuff that the primary source of that security has cross his mind from time to time is probably a bit unsettling.

[carhill]

Is it possible your friend would feel the same about a woman that, by her standards, "complains too much"?

Yes. This is the key to compatibility. Women go back and forth in their sharing of emotion; it's how they connect. They'll 'complain' about Sally 'going on and on', but they build friendship intimacy that way. They are not *attracted* to that quality in a man, even though they might, as GT mentioned, *want* to hear what is going on inside a man's head and heart. This especially applies to negative and/or painful stuff. All I had to do was watch stbx distance herself as I grieved my mother's 'death' to see that. I've seen it in other women, women who have used me for a receptacle for what they weren't getting from their spouses nor girlfriends. Prior, I felt used and devalued by these interactions. Now, I give freely what I choose and cut them off when I reach my boundary. I *feel* better.

 

I like GT's response. His experience exactly mirrors my marital experiences. I reached out for help in a crisis and came back grasping air. That's life. It goes on. OP, IMO, a compatible woman will show clear signs of valuing, mirroring and proactively encouraging your emotional style. There will be no doubt she values the intimacy style you share. If there is doubt, next. Don't bother trying. It's an incompatibility at the most fundamental level. She's not *wrong*. Neither are you.

[TouchedByViolet]

My experience has been that women see acceptance of and interest in *their* emotions as a positive thing and attractive. Almost uniformly (I have encountered a few exceptions) women do not find a man who *talks* about his feelings to be attractive. She may like that he *expresses* them through actions, but talking about them brings him closer to girlfriend status and kills sexual desire.

 

As an example, my best friend's wife loves that I am compassionate and empathetic and listen to her, but she says also that I 'complain too much', meaning, based on when she says such things, that I talk about my feelings too much. I have had tough moments during my mom's illness and concurrent divorce and, yes, I think it is healthy to share those feelings, but I balance them with the logic and understanding learned in MC. Regardless, her *perception* is that I 'complain too much'. This is a great example of my life history with women. She might 'hate' that her husband has little compassion and doesn't listen to her, but she loves him and is *attracted* to him, forever (nearly 30 years now) trying to get that last bit of his heart. This is common with most of the married couples I know well.

 

I accept that my psychology is different and, generally, not *attractive* to the women I have met in my life. My solution? Modify my people picker to target more compatible women. When I sense the dichotomy I outlined above, I disconnect and move on. Immediately. It's a positive feeling.

 

My advice is to find balance in your words and behaviors and accept your intrinsic psychology. We each are different. Accept that. Not everyone will 'like' it. Some will. If mutual, there ya go

 

Yeah, I agree with a lot of this. I feel like if a man shares his negative feelings about something it automatically becomes "too much complaining". In my experience as well, women have a decreased *attraction* to men who share emotions. They complain about their SO's who don't share very many feelings but at the same time they are still attracted to them.

 

And now that he is freshly wounded from his last serious relationship, I have been his shoulder to cry on a handful of times. I move on from a busted relationship faster than he is currently doing. These handful of counsel moments (2 and 3 hour long conversations) leave me feeling drained and frustrated. Mostly due to knowing he deserves better and she isn't worth being this upset over, but also due to how much it is upsetting to see someone you care about stuck in such a cycle of pain.

He has survived leukemia twice now, and I swear he handled that better than this break up.

So maybe yeah I can see where this might make someone think I'm less comfortable with emotions from men, but I've felt this way after a while when a female friend does the same.

Is it possible your friend would feel the same about a woman that, by her standards, "complains too much"?

 

Luckily, I'm not some emotional wreck like your friend, but at the same time I include emotion in day to day activities. Mainly positive emotions.

 

 

It didn't take long to figure out that she didn't want to hear about them after all. I get that. For a woman who values security, finding out some of the weird stuff that the primary source of that security has cross his mind from time to time is probably a bit unsettling.

 

Exactly. Women often treat their man as a "rock" and emotions make the rock appear weak.

[carhill]

The funny (not 'ha ha', but rather interesting funny) thing is that I've always valued my emotional awareness, expression, compassion and empathy as one of my greatest strengths. It's why I have such close friendships with other men and it is often commented on. The single clear negative is the lack of attraction women have for this perspective. At 51, I accept that. It's OK. They have their path. Good luck

[TouchedByViolet]

Yes. This is the key to compatibility. Women go back and forth in their sharing of emotion; it's how they connect. They'll 'complain' about Sally 'going on and on', but they build friendship intimacy that way. They are not *attracted* to that quality in a man, even though they might, as GT mentioned, *want* to hear what is going on inside a man's head and heart. This especially applies to negative and/or painful stuff. All I had to do was watch stbx distance herself as I grieved my mother's 'death' to see that. I've seen it in other women, women who have used me for a receptacle for what they weren't getting from their spouses nor girlfriends. Prior, I felt used and devalued by these interactions. Now, I give freely what I choose and cut them off when I reach my boundary. I *feel* better.

 

I like GT's response. His experience exactly mirrors my marital experiences. I reached out for help in a crisis and came back grasping air. That's life. It goes on. OP, IMO, a compatible woman will show clear signs of valuing, mirroring and proactively encouraging your emotional style. There will be no doubt she values the intimacy style you share. If there is doubt, next. Don't bother trying. It's an incompatibility at the most fundamental level. She's not *wrong*. Neither are you.

 

That sounds horrible that your stbx distanced herself during a painful time in your life. I feel like regardless of what women say a vast majority don't want a man who shares emotions because they are attracted to men who come across as emotional rocks. These men appear stronger and therefore attracting.

[GorillaTheater]

That sounds horrible that your stbx distanced herself during a painful time in your life.

 

It is horrible. If I lose a parent, I hope I'll be "permitted" to grieve without having points deducted from my score card.

[carhill]

For clarity, mom's not ashes. She's been oblivious to myself and the world around her for about 2 years and demented for 8. It ended suddenly one day with a brain tumor. Even though she's not dead literally, I've had to settle her affairs and grieve the loss of the loving parent I knew. I'm sitting in her empty house right now, my birth home, waiting on the first 'strangers' (my new tenants) to live here since the house was built. If you don't think the walls still talk, think again. Being able to talk about it and process it gets me through it. My experiences have helped a few of my male friends with similar challenges, both familial and marital. They value the ability to share openly with another man who understands their path. To me, this is the true happiness in living, beyond personal achievement. Sharing onself.

 

Back to work

[Woggle]

No. They like a man who can stir up emotions in them but the minute a man shows the slightest hint of weakness she loses attraction. This is why I always rely on my male friends through tough times. We have seen each other at the lowest and we stick by each other while most women have bailed when I wasn't a stoic rock.

[sagetalk]

That sounds horrible that your stbx distanced herself during a painful time in your life. I feel like regardless of what women say a vast majority don't want a man who shares emotions because they are attracted to men who come across as emotional rocks. These men appear stronger and therefore attracting.

 

You answered your own question very well. Women are attracted to men, only gay/bi women are women who are attracted to other women. So unless you want gay/bi women, then act like a man. Men are emotional rocks with foundations set in stone. They are tough, gruff, firm, do not back down, and they don't have a nice cry about their feelings getting hurt. And if they do, they sure as heck don't talk to women about it. That is testosterone, that is manly, and it sets gorgeous women's under garments on fire (that last part is the most important one ).

 

What freezes gorgeous women's undergarments? Being wimpy, crying, neediness, hurt feelings, complaining, moaning, "Hold me!", lacking confidence, "do you love me?". All those are great ways to freeze her into never wanting to have sex with you if you were the last man on earth. All of them have being too emotional in common. Women are emotional and they have to deal with other women all day long. They want their man to be a man.

 

So in short, be a man, take hold of your testosterone with both hands and set hot women's lust on fire. Or you could cry about everything and let them talk to you about it, and they'll cross you off their "will have sex with" list.

 

It's your call .

[sagetalk]

It is horrible. If I lose a parent, I hope I'll be "permitted" to grieve without having points deducted from my score card.

 

If it's your wife of 5 years, yes. If it's your girlfriend of 3 months, no. Go to friends and family for that.

[carhill]

Unfortunately, I don't know any straight men with clear traits of empathy and compassion, at least expressed. I don't get the same 'effect' from sharing an activity or 'getting drunk together' like the 'bonding' that 'normal' males do (stbx often tasked me to be 'normal'). I need to talk about it and work through it. My best friend went a bit 'crazy' when I told him I was getting divorced. If that's what a normal male emotional outburst is like, whoa. Glad I don't have that burden.

 

I'm noting we're not hearing much from women here. Hope that changes. I think emotional honesty is a healthy thing

[carhill]

If it's your wife of 5 years, yes. If it's your girlfriend of 3 months, no. Go to friends and family for that.

GT and I are both married, he longer than I. For myself, we had been married about three years and together four when the incident occurred. On the other side of the coin, as a newlywed, I cared for my wife during two surgeries and supported her as she later started a new business. In retrospect, it was just as the MC opined, incompatibility.

[TouchedByViolet]

No. They like a man who can stir up emotions in them but the minute a man shows the slightest hint of weakness she loses attraction. This is why I always rely on my male friends through tough times. We have seen each other at the lowest and we stick by each other while most women have bailed when I wasn't a stoic rock.

 

So true. When I feel the worst, it is my male friends who show up and let me vent. When I try to talk to a girl, they don't want to deal with it or they start talking about their own problems.

 

You answered your own question very well. Women are attracted to men, only gay/bi women are women who are attracted to other women. So unless you want gay/bi women, then act like a man. Men are emotional rocks with foundations set in stone. They are tough, gruff, firm, do not back down, and they don't have a nice cry about their feelings getting hurt. And if they do, they sure as heck don't talk to women about it. That is testosterone, that is manly, and it sets gorgeous women's under garments on fire (that last part is the most important one ).

 

What freezes gorgeous women's undergarments? Being wimpy, crying, neediness, hurt feelings, complaining, moaning, "Hold me!", lacking confidence, "do you love me?". All those are great ways to freeze her into never wanting to have sex with you if you were the last man on earth. All of them have being too emotional in common. Women are emotional and they have to deal with other women all day long. They want their man to be a man.

 

So in short, be a man, take hold of your testosterone with both hands and set hot women's lust on fire. Or you could cry about everything and let them talk to you about it, and they'll cross you off their "will have sex with" list.

 

It's your call .

 

What bothers me is I am a manly man 95% of the time, but still women get turned off by the small percentage of the time I feel less then manly. It is not like I hold women to some emotional standard that demands they be in the same state of mind 100% of the time.

[sagetalk]

What bothers me is I am a manly man 95% of the time, but still women get turned off by the small percentage of the time I feel less then manly. It is not like I hold women to some emotional standard that demands they be in the same state of mind 100% of the time.

 

Then up it to 100% of the time when you are around women you want to date. If you don't want to date her, then you can get away with it. Really all it does it makes them not sexually attracted to you. Some will still like you, they just won't like-like you.

[sally4sara]

So true. When I feel the worst, it is my male friends who show up and let me vent. When I try to talk to a girl, they don't want to deal with it or they start talking about their own problems.

 

This is how women relate to each other. It is not done to drown you out or due to a lack of interest. You share; they share and the intent is to find wisdom within the shared perspectives.

Men don't get this so easily because it is hard for them to realize that what a woman experiences can be similar to what a man experiences. They hear what the woman shares and think "yeah, but what does that have to do with the price of tea in China (what I'm going through)?

Men share their problems and their man friends come up with identifiable solutions. Women share their problems with their woman friends and they offer up similar problems or time where they were the on the other end of the problem, how they felt in those moments and let them draw their own conclusions.

But if you are angling for a romantic vibe, triggering their "girl-chat" mode isn't the best way to go about it.

This is why the guy friends I have come to me for chat time; they are not trying to bed me.

[Jesper]

I bring up this question because I have always found myself an emotional person. Not so much as the average women but definitely more than the average guy.

 

I rely on my feelings and gut to do the right thing and use my feelings as a sense of direction. I also freely talk about my emotions in conversation. Would women count this as a positive or a negative?

 

I personally do not find this an attractive quality. Many women do.

[Taucher]

I would class myself as an emotional man who discuss feelings more like the female friends that I have. On top of that, I am also quite a shy person who is a little bit reserved. As a result, I find women quite strongly attracted to me at the beginning as I am empathetic but dont give too much away. However, as I grow more comfortable, my wussy emotional nature comes out, and they lose a little bit of interest.

 

I am in a new relationship right now, and I am at the stage with this girl where I am slightly aloof but she can sense, I think, that I am not an emotionless void. I am at my most attractive to her. I intend to keep it like this. It is easier anyway and requires a lot less angst. I am trying to moderate my feelings and not be ruled by them. I have come to realise that my feelings are not as important as I once thought, or at least, they don't deserve to have me constantly focussing on them, trying to explain them and being ruled by them.

 

Underneath it all though, I am still a man and get slightly uncomfortable with male shows of emotion. Is that weird?

 

T

[deebeechrisyo]

But if you are angling for a romantic vibe, triggering their "girl-chat" mode isn't the best way to go about it.

This is why the guy friends I have come to me for chat time; they are not trying to bed me.

 

Girls consistently trigger their "girl-chat" modes even on their boyfriends. Anytime they unload the stress of their day or any problems they have on their significant other is probably an example. It's almost like they are voluntarily trying to kill any sexual attraction they have to their partner. What is the best way for a man to respond to this?

 

From my experiences, listening to your girlfriend's issues and trying to solve it for her is a no no. Do you listen and simply say "I'm sorry you had such a bad day, etc.", or console her, or walk out of the room and watch TV?

[sagetalk]

Girls consistently trigger their "girl-chat" modes even on their boyfriends. Anytime they unload the stress of their day or any problems they have on their significant other is probably an example. It's almost like they are voluntarily trying to kill any sexual attraction they have to their partner. What is the best way for a man to respond to this?

 

From my experiences, listening to your girlfriend's issues and trying to solve it for her is a no no. Do you listen and simply say "I'm sorry you had such a bad day, etc.", or console her, or walk out of the room and watch TV?

 

Yes, girls will forcefully put you in situations that will cause them to be less sexually attracted to you. I know it doesn't make sense, but if you don't know that by now there's no hope for you.

 

I would say, "I'm sorry you had a bad day but let's go do something to make it better" and then cut her the talking off until she's in a better mood or the subject is changed completely. The more you dwell with her in her negativity, the less sexually desirable you are. Live it, love it, learn it, and don't complain about it. It's just one more of the burdens we guys must deal with in relationships.

 

It's a constant battle to keep a women from friendzoning you (from what I hear even after marriage). The one gaurentee that you'll never be friendzoned (she doesn't want to have sex with you) is if they are sexually desiring you, you will never be friendzoned.

[carhill]

Underneath it all though, I am still a man and get slightly uncomfortable with male shows of emotion. Is that weird?

 

Perhaps it is a function of unfamiliarity. Like I related earlier, a bit of a surprise at the 'style' of the show, since you process things a bit differently.

 

Girls consistently trigger their "girl-chat" modes even on their boyfriends. Anytime they unload the stress of their day or any problems they have on their significant other is probably an example. It's almost like they are voluntarily trying to kill any sexual attraction they have to their partner. What is the best way for a man to respond to this?

 

IME, the best way to maintain attraction is to be dismissive 'Oh, baby, it'll be OK' and then go back to what you're doing without distraction. Usually, again IME, the result is a bit of incredulity, then anger, then some foot stomps, then a firing up of the cell phone to call a girlfriend about her 'insensitive husband'. The girls work it out and then she's better later. Rinse and repeat. The clear difficulty for myself is being insensitive and/or dismissive in the face of anger or pain of a loved one. But, I must say, these couples are old enough and married long enough to have grandchildren, so there must be something to it.

 

From my experiences, listening to your girlfriend's issues and trying to solve it for her is a no no. Do you listen and simply say "I'm sorry you had such a bad day, etc.", or console her, or walk out of the room and watch TV?

 

In my personal experience, I tend to be more empathetic than problem solving, but do occasionally 'slip' into normal male mode. It hasn't really mattered. The overall response is not conducive to development of a romantic relationship, mainly because the woman doesn't see such behaviors as attractive. It doesn't matter that I'm blue collar, drink beer, sometimes cuss like a sailor, and am physically imposing, besides being sensitive and intellectual (a LS'er called me 'self-important', which I assume is a code word for arrogant). No joy. Incompatible.

 

The quantum change now is I don't care. I explain it as a recitation of history, but it no longer rules me. Not much life left and I'm going to make the most of it.

[sally4sara]

Girls consistently trigger their "girl-chat" modes even on their boyfriends. Anytime they unload the stress of their day or any problems they have on their significant other is probably an example. It's almost like they are voluntarily trying to kill any sexual attraction they have to their partner. What is the best way for a man to respond to this?

 

From my experiences, listening to your girlfriend's issues and trying to solve it for her is a no no. Do you listen and simply say "I'm sorry you had such a bad day, etc.", or console her, or walk out of the room and watch TV?

 

I find in relationships, venting too much to the guy just frustrates them. This triggers the Mr. Fix-it in them.

I would advise something along the lines of:

"Aww baby, that sucks. Want me to kill them for you?" (joke-MANLY joke;)) and then a hug and kiss before changing the subject.