Juniperz Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I have been married for only four years and I am very quickly losing all physical attraction to my husband. I’m at such a loss here. He’s a good man, works hard, excellent around the house, responsible, stable, supportive and adores both me and my son (from a previous relationship). I am lucky in so many ways and I recognize that. Let me first provide some background: When I first met my husband I was a single mom of a 9 yr old boy. I had been single for many years and worked hard to buy ourselves a little home, my own car, and all the little extras that come along with parenthood. I had dated over the years but nothing serious. I first met my husband when I joined a baseball league. I found his shyness to be rather sweet and his mannerisms to be wonderfully old fashioned (who says chivalry is dead?) but I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically speaking. Over the course of the season I suppose he felt secure enough to ask me out for dinner. I found him sweet, fun, and very interesting so I said yes. Over dinner I saw past the exterior and honestly fell in love with him as a person. We dated for 6 months when he asked me to marry him. We were married 6 months later. It was a fairytale time in my life even though I recognize now that it is always so wonderful the first couple years. Fast forward four years later. New home, new cars, money in the bank (which, as a single parent is unheard of!), security, and most importantly, stability and a wonderful role model for my son. Don’t get me wrong, we both work hard, are professionals, have similar incomes so it’s not as though he alone is supporting us We have a difficult time making friends as a couple. My husband is quiet, reserved, shy. I am outgoing, and although shy in certain situations, have a real spark for life. My husband is in bed by 9 pm during the week. We go grocery shopping the same time, the same day, every week, and even our sex life has become habitual. There is a routine, a plan, an itinerary for every moment in my day (it feels like anyway). My life has become so routine, so basic, that I feel like life is passing me by. I have tried to “shake things up” by suggesting we go to a movie during the week (my son is a teenager now), or to a bar on the weekend, and I have even brought home a new sex toy to try out or a book to read together (*blush*), to which more likely than not, I have received a negative response. Not interested. We have tried to join a baseball league together but my husband isn’t one of the “cool” guys so making new friends has always been difficult. He’s lost all interest in his hobbies and his friends since we’ve been married. He leaves the house to work but very rarely to hang out with the guys, play baseball, go fishing, or hiking (all of which were his hobbies when I met him), even though I encourage it. He has no motivation to be active and he has gained about thirty pounds. All of this bothers me. I am flattered that he wants to revolve his life around me but I don’t think it is very healthy. As an aside: I realize that some may suggest that he is suffering from depression. My husband *does* suffer from depression but he is medicated. He is doing very well with the medication and hasn’t had a rough period in almost 3 years. He is generally very happy and very content with his life. Too content one would say. However, I am suffocating. I need to live. I have kept in touch with my friends and make a point of seeing them regularly but I need to have friends, laughter and happiness in my home too. Stability and security are great and my son and I are very lucky to have that, but my eyes have started to wander to other men. I don’t think I’d ever cheat, but who knows. Never say never right? But I really, honestly, don’t want to do that. We have gone to counseling (to assist with dealing with bouts of depression as well as for general marriage reasons) to which it was determined that if he does not want to have a life outside our marriage, then he doesn’t have to. I can continue with my life and let him live his. That’s great, but what about OUR life as a couple or even as a family A few questions: How can I encourage him to be more active without hurting him? How can I motivate him if he’s not interested? I can’t very well tell him that I find his attitude and lifestyle unattractive but how can I make him realize that this becoming a fairly serious issue? If I can’t change him, how can I change my perception so that I will love him like I used to? If I’m to be completely honest, I’ve recently become embarrassed by him….how reserved he is, how he’s “not very much fun”…..how can I get past that feeling? And finally, how do I stop myself from feeling nothing but regret for marrying him so quickly? I take my vows very seriously but I question how I will spend the rest of my life this way Thanks so much for reading this and I apprecaiate any insight offered. I apologize for not using the appropriate abbreviations. I’m new here.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Print out this post and let him read it. Tell him life is short and you want to live. And while you very much prefer that it be with him, you intend to do so regardless. Wake him up.
Fouts Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 A healthy marriage encompasses an entire range of needs that both are hopeful will be met. The reality is that someone can rarely be everything to someone else. It sounds like you have a nice marriage. Your husband provides everything but the spark. Would you rather be struggling to pay bills, arguing all the time, having him come home smelling like alcohol, but have great sex and go out on the weekends? It's up to you what you can or can't live without, I'm not telling you to force yourself to stay with him. Just keep in mind that just about every marriage has shortcomings, which one's do you want to deal with?
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 What she describes is not anything she should have to live without.
scatterd Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Why would you feel that way are you attracted to someone else?Tne new wears off in any realationship and if you do not except that this will happen in any relatioship you are in love him for who he is.Good luck
mem11363 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 J, I give you credit for a balanced, fair and honest post. He is WAY too comfortable with you. And frankly he needs to wake up before you reach the point of no return. I have a fairly simplistic view of sex in marriage which is: If you want your wife to WANT to make love to you at night, you need to make love to her during the day. But the daytime love isn't sex - it is - whatever makes her happy/excited/glad to be alive and equally important glad to be with YOU. And that might mean you have to get out of your comfort zone on a regular basis. It might mean you have to walk a treadmill while you watch your favorite TV show at night. Ask your husband how he felt during the day/days leading up to him first asking you out. I am certain he felt anxious and fearful and maybe tense. And yet the result of him forcing himself out of his comfort zone has likely been the best relationship of his life. Why is he not willing to make the effort - get out of his comfort zone - to keep that relationship on solid footing? It is very obvious how much you WANT to love him, the real question is how hard is he willing to work to actually be lovable. The very best part of my marriage is that wife and I BOTH put the same effort into the R that we did while we were dating. I literally feel like I have a GF, more than a wife. A totally committed, 100 percent devoted - never cheat on you GF. For 21 years now - she has done that - and I have done that. FWIW, she is within 5-10 pounds of what she weighed when we met as am I. That has been a choice we both made for ourselves AND our marriage. Is there a non-toxic way for you to scare him? Does he realize your desire is rapidly fading? I have been married for only four years and I am very quickly losing all physical attraction to my husband. I’m at such a loss here. He’s a good man, works hard, excellent around the house, responsible, stable, supportive and adores both me and my son (from a previous relationship). I am lucky in so many ways and I recognize that. Let me first provide some background: When I first met my husband I was a single mom of a 9 yr old boy. I had been single for many years and worked hard to buy ourselves a little home, my own car, and all the little extras that come along with parenthood. I had dated over the years but nothing serious. I first met my husband when I joined a baseball league. I found his shyness to be rather sweet and his mannerisms to be wonderfully old fashioned (who says chivalry is dead?) but I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically speaking. Over the course of the season I suppose he felt secure enough to ask me out for dinner. I found him sweet, fun, and very interesting so I said yes. Over dinner I saw past the exterior and honestly fell in love with him as a person. We dated for 6 months when he asked me to marry him. We were married 6 months later. It was a fairytale time in my life even though I recognize now that it is always so wonderful the first couple years. Fast forward four years later. New home, new cars, money in the bank (which, as a single parent is unheard of!), security, and most importantly, stability and a wonderful role model for my son. Don’t get me wrong, we both work hard, are professionals, have similar incomes so it’s not as though he alone is supporting us We have a difficult time making friends as a couple. My husband is quiet, reserved, shy. I am outgoing, and although shy in certain situations, have a real spark for life. My husband is in bed by 9 pm during the week. We go grocery shopping the same time, the same day, every week, and even our sex life has become habitual. There is a routine, a plan, an itinerary for every moment in my day (it feels like anyway). My life has become so routine, so basic, that I feel like life is passing me by. I have tried to “shake things up” by suggesting we go to a movie during the week (my son is a teenager now), or to a bar on the weekend, and I have even brought home a new sex toy to try out or a book to read together (*blush*), to which more likely than not, I have received a negative response. Not interested. We have tried to join a baseball league together but my husband isn’t one of the “cool” guys so making new friends has always been difficult. He’s lost all interest in his hobbies and his friends since we’ve been married. He leaves the house to work but very rarely to hang out with the guys, play baseball, go fishing, or hiking (all of which were his hobbies when I met him), even though I encourage it. He has no motivation to be active and he has gained about thirty pounds. All of this bothers me. I am flattered that he wants to revolve his life around me but I don’t think it is very healthy. As an aside: I realize that some may suggest that he is suffering from depression. My husband *does* suffer from depression but he is medicated. He is doing very well with the medication and hasn’t had a rough period in almost 3 years. He is generally very happy and very content with his life. Too content one would say. However, I am suffocating. I need to live. I have kept in touch with my friends and make a point of seeing them regularly but I need to have friends, laughter and happiness in my home too. Stability and security are great and my son and I are very lucky to have that, but my eyes have started to wander to other men. I don’t think I’d ever cheat, but who knows. Never say never right? But I really, honestly, don’t want to do that. We have gone to counseling (to assist with dealing with bouts of depression as well as for general marriage reasons) to which it was determined that if he does not want to have a life outside our marriage, then he doesn’t have to. I can continue with my life and let him live his. That’s great, but what about OUR life as a couple or even as a family A few questions: How can I encourage him to be more active without hurting him? How can I motivate him if he’s not interested? I can’t very well tell him that I find his attitude and lifestyle unattractive but how can I make him realize that this becoming a fairly serious issue? If I can’t change him, how can I change my perception so that I will love him like I used to? If I’m to be completely honest, I’ve recently become embarrassed by him….how reserved he is, how he’s “not very much fun”…..how can I get past that feeling? And finally, how do I stop myself from feeling nothing but regret for marrying him so quickly? I take my vows very seriously but I question how I will spend the rest of my life this way Thanks so much for reading this and I apprecaiate any insight offered. I apologize for not using the appropriate abbreviations. I’m new here.
xxoo Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 A few questions: How can I encourage him to be more active without hurting him? How can I motivate him if he’s not interested? I can’t very well tell him that I find his attitude and lifestyle unattractive but how can I make him realize that this becoming a fairly serious issue? I don't think you can honestly communicate and avoid ever hurting your partner's feelings. Of course, be kind and consider his point of view, but I think it is ok to say that you find laying around the house a turn-off, and you remember the active partner he was in the dating days as a turn-on. If I can’t change him, how can I change my perception so that I will love him like I used to? If I’m to be completely honest, I’ve recently become embarrassed by him….how reserved he is, how he’s “not very much fun”…..how can I get past that feeling? Eh, he can only embarrass himself. If he is not embarrassed, why should you be? Can you joke lightheartedly about him without offending him? My H has some habits that might embarrass a lot of wives, but we joke about them--to each other and with friends--in a very light way (nothing snippy) that let's everyone know that, yes, I'm perfectly aware that he is eccentric--and I love and accept him as is. For the record, he does the same with me! I have my eccentricities, too . That can help with perspective: what is he lovingly overlooking about you? In what ways might you be embarrassing to him? Would he rather you be a bit more reserved, for instance? And finally, how do I stop myself from feeling nothing but regret for marrying him so quickly? I take my vows very seriously but I question how I will spend the rest of my life this way It sounds like your marriage was a huge net positive in your life. You picked a great partner in many, many ways! Focus on his positives, as you would like him to do about you. If you are thinking and negative thought, stop it and replace it with a positive thought.
mem11363 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 J, How important is sex to him? How much would it impact his quality of life if you cut frequency in half and cut out certain fun/optional sexual acts? Is there a nice way for you to tell him that you don't directly control your desire level, but that level/lust is important. And that there are a short list of specific actions that are harming your desire. You really do seem reasonable, and you both sound nice. The real question is how committed is he. I have been married for only four years and I am very quickly losing all physical attraction to my husband. I’m at such a loss here. He’s a good man, works hard, excellent around the house, responsible, stable, supportive and adores both me and my son (from a previous relationship). I am lucky in so many ways and I recognize that. Let me first provide some background: When I first met my husband I was a single mom of a 9 yr old boy. I had been single for many years and worked hard to buy ourselves a little home, my own car, and all the little extras that come along with parenthood. I had dated over the years but nothing serious. I first met my husband when I joined a baseball league. I found his shyness to be rather sweet and his mannerisms to be wonderfully old fashioned (who says chivalry is dead?) but I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically speaking. Over the course of the season I suppose he felt secure enough to ask me out for dinner. I found him sweet, fun, and very interesting so I said yes. Over dinner I saw past the exterior and honestly fell in love with him as a person. We dated for 6 months when he asked me to marry him. We were married 6 months later. It was a fairytale time in my life even though I recognize now that it is always so wonderful the first couple years. Fast forward four years later. New home, new cars, money in the bank (which, as a single parent is unheard of!), security, and most importantly, stability and a wonderful role model for my son. Don’t get me wrong, we both work hard, are professionals, have similar incomes so it’s not as though he alone is supporting us We have a difficult time making friends as a couple. My husband is quiet, reserved, shy. I am outgoing, and although shy in certain situations, have a real spark for life. My husband is in bed by 9 pm during the week. We go grocery shopping the same time, the same day, every week, and even our sex life has become habitual. There is a routine, a plan, an itinerary for every moment in my day (it feels like anyway). My life has become so routine, so basic, that I feel like life is passing me by. I have tried to “shake things up” by suggesting we go to a movie during the week (my son is a teenager now), or to a bar on the weekend, and I have even brought home a new sex toy to try out or a book to read together (*blush*), to which more likely than not, I have received a negative response. Not interested. We have tried to join a baseball league together but my husband isn’t one of the “cool” guys so making new friends has always been difficult. He’s lost all interest in his hobbies and his friends since we’ve been married. He leaves the house to work but very rarely to hang out with the guys, play baseball, go fishing, or hiking (all of which were his hobbies when I met him), even though I encourage it. He has no motivation to be active and he has gained about thirty pounds. All of this bothers me. I am flattered that he wants to revolve his life around me but I don’t think it is very healthy. As an aside: I realize that some may suggest that he is suffering from depression. My husband *does* suffer from depression but he is medicated. He is doing very well with the medication and hasn’t had a rough period in almost 3 years. He is generally very happy and very content with his life. Too content one would say. However, I am suffocating. I need to live. I have kept in touch with my friends and make a point of seeing them regularly but I need to have friends, laughter and happiness in my home too. Stability and security are great and my son and I are very lucky to have that, but my eyes have started to wander to other men. I don’t think I’d ever cheat, but who knows. Never say never right? But I really, honestly, don’t want to do that. We have gone to counseling (to assist with dealing with bouts of depression as well as for general marriage reasons) to which it was determined that if he does not want to have a life outside our marriage, then he doesn’t have to. I can continue with my life and let him live his. That’s great, but what about OUR life as a couple or even as a family A few questions: How can I encourage him to be more active without hurting him? How can I motivate him if he’s not interested? I can’t very well tell him that I find his attitude and lifestyle unattractive but how can I make him realize that this becoming a fairly serious issue? If I can’t change him, how can I change my perception so that I will love him like I used to? If I’m to be completely honest, I’ve recently become embarrassed by him….how reserved he is, how he’s “not very much fun”…..how can I get past that feeling? And finally, how do I stop myself from feeling nothing but regret for marrying him so quickly? I take my vows very seriously but I question how I will spend the rest of my life this way Thanks so much for reading this and I apprecaiate any insight offered. I apologize for not using the appropriate abbreviations. I’m new here.
FitChick Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Why not do activities together, like learning ballroom dancing, tennis, go hiking or bike riding. Get an active dog from a shelter and both walk it every evening. That way he could get to know other dog owners. Animals are great therapy. Carrying that extra weight isn't healthy and does affect your mood. Change his diet to remove processed foods and incorporate more fresh and whole foods. Vitamin D3 is recognized by even the most conservative doctors as very important for physical and emotional health.
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