KafkasLastWords Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Many of you may be able to relate to parts of my story. I had been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years (two months shy of our anniversary). A month ago, he broke it off what seemed like out of nowhere. We met through a friend when neither of us was looking and, from day one, we had a bond no one could deny. Over the years our relationship only grew stronger and anytime something difficult happened in either of our lives (layoffs, family problems, etc.) we’d be there for each other, stick together, and come out stronger the other end. To me, that meant we would last the long haul. We’d reached “the age” (he turned 30 last year and I was 29) and most of our friends were getting married. We literally had 7 weddings nearly back to back. He always said I was the one and that he saw a future with me, even though he had commitment issues. His parents had a REALLY screwed up marriage and broke up and got back together again and again over the past 32 years. He used to say things like “his life is over” when anyone would get married or have a child. Last year all that seemed to change and I thought he was maturing and growing beyond his issues. He started to constantly talk about how he couldn’t wait to marry me, he told my friends and family, he made me do the bouquet toss and hoped I’d catch it at every wedding (even though I think it is a stupid tradition). He always said once he got a new job, since his old one didn’t pay well and he’d had some financial trouble, he wanted to get me a ring. This year began and we both started new jobs… everything was GREAT! At New Years Eve, he kissed me with so much joy and hope in his eyes and said "this is OUR year." Well around February, I started to put the heavy pressure on to get engaged, which I wish I could take back. He’d been asking me to live together for over a year. He believes in living together before being engaged, I personally wanted to be engaged before living together so there was a power struggle about that but that isn’t enough to break what we had. Finally I agreed to move in with him under the condition that engagement was only a couple months away (a suggestion provided by people I wish I didn’t listen to). In early March he called his management company to tell them he was terminating his lease early so we could move in together. After that point, I started noticing he was pulling away. At the end of March he sent them his official letter of lease termination. Three days later he told me he wasn’t happy and he wanted time to think… 4 days after that he broke up with me. We had this amazing supportive relationship that ended so abruptly. There were no signs of anything at all being wrong until it became real. It’s been a month and we haven’t talked at all. A week before any of this happened he was talking about getting a TV for our new place and planning a vacation. I am devastated and don’t understand what happened. Did he freak out? Did he fall out of love with me in a month? I can't tell if he needs to sort himself out or is just done with me. I am trying so so hard to tell myself that it is over for good but everyone we know in common has been saying he has been robotic, withdrawn and depressed. His parents have called me crying – when he called to tell them they thought he was calling to say we were engaged because he’d told them he planned to propose to me. I am so lost… please help
Fouts Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Since you were together for so long, it's one of 2 things. Best case scenario, moving in and the pressure of engagement coming from you really turned him off. He may need time to think and decide if he's ready and come back. On the other hand, the ultimate inevitability of either having to marry you or move on may have made him realize he really doesn't want to be with you forever. Not much you can do. It's an old cliche, but cliche's are around for a reason. Let him go, if he wants you he WILL come back shortly, if not, then it's never going to happen. Try to start the process of healing and moving on, even though it's tough.
GrayClouds Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Stop blaming yourself, likely it was just a matter of time anyway. Even though he said all the right things deep down inside he was unable to committee, that is about him not you. Here is a link that may offer some insight: http://www.enotalone.com/article/20442.html Sorry about your loss, work on healing and being kind to yourself.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I don't blame myself, but I take responsibility for my part in what may have been the catalyst to send an already freaked out guy running for the hills. I am growing stronger every day but I miss him - he became my best friend, even over the amazing best friends I already had - and am mortified by the idea that a love as strong as ours was for so long can just go away.
GrayClouds Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 One thing to think about is that maybe your love was not so strong, that in fact he was never 100% in the relationship as much as you thought. If he was he would not have been able to bolt so easily. His actions tell you much more then his words ever could. So what is your prescription to healing?
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