byebye Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Ok - here's my story and I'll try not to jump around......... Been married 10 years (together 15) and have 3 wonderful children 3 to 8 years. The problem I face is that my wife is a controlling germaphobe! She is a stay-at-home mom that spends an enormous amount of time on her laptop and making love to her washing machine. The kicker is our house is a dust ridden, cluttered sloppy mess! She's been this way ever since our youngest was born! I work as a consultant and own my own business. When I get home from work, I have to immediately put our oldest in the tub because he is restricted to one room after school. While I'm bathing, the wife is wiping everything down with a Clorox wipe and vacuming everywhere we walked. Immediately after the bath, I'm preparing and cooking dinner! House still a mess, wife still on computer, other 2 children playing together. I am totally fed up with her actions and routines. When haven't been on a date in 8 years. She won't allow a babysitter and freaks out if a family member or friend stops by to say hi! She's constantly washing her hands and clothes 3 items at a time. She'll open doors (leave open) and turns on lights (leave on) and then wash her hands before touching anything. I get hollered at for turning lights out! We go through, paper towels, hand sanitizer and soap like it grows on a tree! She won't take our children to the playground (germs) and they are not allowed outside before nap time. If my wife goes out, it has to be after the yougest takes a nap because she will not allow me to do it for fear of contamination of the bedroom. She stores her coats in our bedroom because my are in the coat closet! She will not seek counseling and blames everything on me! I could go on and on with examples but I won't bore you! Again, she is ruining our marriage, stealing our childrens childhood and not allowing me to be the father I want to be. I try and make her life as easy as possible and enjoy motherhood but she has become totally unrealistic. Life is hard enough and she complicates it even more with the nonsense! I am at a crossroad in my life and my main concern is providing a healthy environment for our children? Do I divorce? Do I wait 15 years then hit the road? I don't know, it just cannot go on!!! Thanks for listening!
floridapad Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I find it odd that you have only two options. 1) divorce or 2) stay in an uncomfortable marriage for the next 15 years. Where is option three? Try to go to MC and learn how to communicate your needs to your wife in a contructive way. Wouldn't working on the marriage and trying to create a loving environement be ideal? Do you think she doesn't have needs that need to be met as well? Stop getting caught up in the kids. How often do you two go on date night. How oftern do you enjoy alone time without the kids. Trust me. Option one or two is TERRIBLE. Option three requires some effort and self examination but the payoff is huge.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 When you got married did you say the part about "for better and for worse"? Well, you're living the for worse part, so did you mean it when you said it? Your wife is mentally ill and needs help. Try to get her some help before you make any further decisions.
Fouts Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 To read what you're saying as truth, she could be developing some type of mental illness. Especially since this has all occurred after the birth of your last child. I'm not a fan of counselling, but in this case it may be a good idea and open up some other avenues of help for her if the counselling doesn't help.
Author byebye Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I agree, option 3 is best! However, she will not go to counseling and won't have anyone watch our kids! It's been 8 years since we had a date! I tried to go to a bed and breakfast, tried a dinner date....nothing!
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Maybe the threat of option 1 can be used to force option 3? Have you told her everything you've told us? If not, that would be a great place to start.
floridapad Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 If she doesn't want to go to counseling then you need to have a heart to heart discussion with her when the kids are in bed. It needs to be one of those "I love you but I'm sensing that we are drifting apart and if we don't get help I'm afraid our marriage won't last, and our children will be a product of divorce." It's needs to be done in a solemn tone. Not excitable not emotional but firm. You need to mean what you say. Before you do this though I would go to see an individual counselor to help you deal with this discussion and also so your W sees that you are serious. If you want to save your marriage you need to lead by example. One thing for sure.....Whatever you have been doing to commnicate your issues hasn't been working so stop the insanity and try a different approach.
Author byebye Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Floridapad - extremely well put!!! Thank you!
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