sandiego Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I'm supposed to meet my ex in a few days. We've been broken up for 7 months, she broke up with me. She had a new guy, who dumped her recently. Only now that she's single and coming home to visit her parents does she want to meet up with me "as friends" and see where it goes. I haven't seen her for 4 months....I know for healing purposes I should kindly back out, but I'm having such a hard time doing it. Deep down I really want to see her, but I also understand this could set me back. I have about 24 hours to make the call either way......I could sure use some clear guidance. SD
fedupfeelinglikethis Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 dont know if im the best to give advice on this 1 as im still missing my ex like crazy after 3 months of breaking up. if it was me i would meet my ex in a second because im still in love with her and would give anything to give it another go, but i think u need to ask yourself if thats what you want? if you dont want to get back with this girl and just trying to get over her then i wouldnt. no matter what you want its going to stir up some old feelings for you.
northstar1 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 If you already are admitting you have feelings for her still, seeing her is a bad idea. You will see her and she will likely be friendly to you, but show no affection and trust me, it will mess you up badly. I made the mistake of meeting up with my old ex about 6 months after a breakup when she was back in town. It was great to see her and we had a fun time, but nothing changed afterwards and it just reopened all the old wounds.
Author sandiego Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 You will see her and she will likely be friendly to you, but show no affection and trust me, it will mess you up badly.QUOTE] Well, fortunately she didn't show much affection when we were together, so that part shouldn't be too bad (just her personality...part of what I didn't really like). Nonetheless, your point is well taken. I suppose I'll just have to make a decision and live with the consequences. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for your advice! SD
northstar1 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Well, think about it. I know the reasons you want to, you miss her and in the back of your mind you think that if she sees you, it will bring back her feelings for you. I get it, truly. I just know that there is nothing worse than looking into the eyes of someone you loved, shared a bed with, and opened your life to........only to see complete detachment.
Trimmer Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I get it, truly. I just know that there is nothing worse than looking into the eyes of someone you loved, shared a bed with, and opened your life to........only to see complete detachment. Wow - that sure sums it up in concise fashion... I have to agree.
Author sandiego Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Northstar, I know you're right. I've actually had the chance to see her twice since we broke up.....I know the look of complete detachment you refer to...she definitely had it. And it does not feel good, you're right. It's amazing how bad a break up can hurt, even if it's with somebody you weren't sure was right for you. It's just plain hard. I'll keep you posted and share my story, for better or for worse, so that other can learn from my experience. Thanks again everyone...I really do appreciate your thoughts and advice. SD
Trimmer Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Which way are you leaning, so we can slap you around a little, if necessary?
Author sandiego Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Hey Trimmer, I'm going to meet her in the evening for a low key dinner. I just confirmed. I plan on being light, airy, confident, friendly, happy....I won't bring up our relationship history or profess my love etc. I figure even if we just remain friends, at least her most recent experience with me will at least have been pleasant. Let the slapping begin! Haha... SD
Trimmer Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Awww, man... Well, I won't say I'm certain, but it sure sounds like a setup for some kind of a crash... She leaves you, starts up with a new guy. You aren't really over it yet. Now she gets dumped, and comes calling. Because she needs something. Maybe it's "just friendship", maybe it's not conscious on her part, but in among it all, she probably wants to feel needed again, feel attractive again, feel wanted again, because these are some of the things she is grieving the loss of from having been dumped. And who, in the whole world, is someone who she might be able to get these things from? Right, you. Now, I'm not one of those who will say "Oh, I"m 100% sure..." but it seems at least likely that this is they dynamic that will play out. Like I said, she may not even be consciously aware of it, but she is certainly feeling lonely and sad, and needing to be validated, and likely she'll be looking to you to feed that. Are you willing to do so? If you are light, and breezy, and unaffected, and confident, and she needs to pull a little bit, starts probing to get you to reminisce about "how we were", how will you respond to that? Will you be able to resist the temptation to "go there?" And if you do resist, how will she respond? What if she acts hurt that you won't engage her in reminscing about your relationship, and validate "what we had?" Hey, maybe I'm way off base; maybe she really just wants to be platonic friends, without expecting anything or hoping you'll feed her needs or soothe her current pain of being dumped. But I'd be wary. We'll be here if you need us...
Trimmer Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 OK, not trying to poo on your cake, but I just want you to be prepared for possible emotional outfall... Just check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231753/ Now, I'm not saying this is going to happen, or anything like that... My main point is to be aware, going in, that you don't know where she's coming from, what she's looking for, what will be her issues and/or sensitivities. Just be ready for anything...
Author sandiego Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 maybe it's not conscious on her part, but in among it all, she probably wants to feel needed again, feel attractive again, feel wanted again, because these are some of the things she is grieving the loss of from having been dumped.QUOTE] Trimmer, awesome reply...thanks for your advice and support! I'm just have to keep reminding myself that the breakup was for the best, even though it hurts. There's a reason I wouldn't marry her, and in my gut, I knew she wasn't "the one", but was just never strong enough to make the break......so deep down, what happened was inevitable. Remembering this makes me fees pretty at ease going to meet her. I expect nothing other than to see someone I still care about, but probably is right for me in a romantic way. I'll definitely keep you posted.....thanks again for your help and support! It's really nice to have some objective advice! SD
Trimmer Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Remembering this makes me fees pretty at ease going to meet her. I expect nothing other than to see someone I still care about, but probably is right for me in a romantic way. I'm going to assume you meant "probably isn't right for me..." there... (or else you've got some more 'splaining to do....) ...and I'm glad you're feeling at ease. I hope you have a nice, relaxing dinner, with no drama or pain... I'd like to think things can work like that.
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