malala7 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I have been talking to a very nice guy for a few weeks. We have gone out on four dates so far and I am enjoying the time we spend together. We communicate via text messages around every other day. Last Sunday I texted him to say hello and he texted me ''I was thinking we could get 2gether 2 cook something. Does Tuesday work?' I said it sounds like fun blah blah. I knew we had to get together at someones house and I wasn't sure that was the best idea. The next day he texted to reschedule for Wednesday and that we will talk soon about dinner ideas. Well, yesterday he texted me 'Hey there Can we cook at ur place 2morrow? 7pm work? Red or white wine?'. I found it disrespectful for him to assume we could do it at my place without really consulting me. I also have a problem with phrases like 'red or white?' it just makes it sound so rehersed. LOL. I texted him 'Hey! If you wanted me to cook for you, you could have said so Let me ask my roommate his plans before I say yes.' And after getting no response from him I texted him 'Hey, why don't we leave the cooking for another day. Instead I invite you to a Nationals game either tomorrow or thursday. What do you think?' His response was 'I just got out of gym. The game works. I'm free 2morrow. And we can do the cooking at my place some time.' I was a bit turned off. Am I over analysing things? It really upset me that he thougt he could just come over to my house. Did I handled it correctly? For the record we have not had any sex of any kind or other physical contact other than kissing and I want to keep it that way until I know him better. I'm 24 and he is in his early 30s.
Tree Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I found it disrespectful for him to assume we could do it at my place without really consulting me. Really? What do you call this: "Can we cook at ur place 2morrow?" How would you have preferred he consult with you? I'm confused, or maybe I missed something. IMO, I think you're being a little bit harsh on the guy. I guess you have to decide if you want a take-charge type of guy (which this guy sounds like - but very respectful), or someone who grovels. Unless I've misread something. As for asking "red or white," when you go to dinner at somebody's house, it's considered good manners to bring something - like wine, or a side dish to compliment the food, or ingredients. Again - maybe I missed something, here. I can only go off of what you said, but it sounded to me like you overreacted a tad.
Author malala7 Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 @Tree You are right, he did say 'Can we' but I think he assumed we could because he immideately followed it with 'should I bring this or that'. I know that you are supposed to bring something when you have been invited for dinner but the red or white line sounds chessy to me. Again, he originally said 'we' are going to cook not hey invite me over to your house to eat. I did mention that I love to cook and that I could cook for him 'sometime'.
Tony T Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 He's a bit pushy and presumptive but some people are like that. If you don't care for that personality type, let him know you don't care to see him anymore. He'll be like this until the day he dies. I've met lots just like him. (He doesn't mean to be rude, this is just the way he was made.)
Ihavenoidea Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 If it doesn't work out you can always take me to a Nationals game. Texting is always hard to interpret and I am very good at messing it up as well. I wouldnt read too much into texts, they could mean anything.
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 If it doesn't work out you can always take me to a Nationals game. Texting is always hard to interpret and I am very good at messing it up as well. I wouldnt read too much into texts, they could mean anything. Yeah, we went to the game yesterday...we won . As for the guy. I feel like we can be very good friends but no romantic connection. Not sure
bayouboi Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I feel like we can be very good friends but no romantic connection. Not sure That's because read the first line of your original post.
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I found the juxtaposition between 'very nice guy' and her interpretation of his request to be a bit irreconcilable. Sounds like she had formed one impression and his assertiveness contradicted it. OP, try something next time. When there's a 'date' involved, invite the man to *call* you. Real aural conversation can often be more productive, and fun too
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 That's because read the first line of your original post. I like nice guys who are sweet and attentive, but I don't like a guy who will take the lead on everything just because he is the man.
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 That's what's irreconcilable. Due to his 'sweet and attentive' words and actions, you evidently developed an impression that he was a 'nice guy', but this incident of 'leading' (your perception) negated the prior impression entirely, rather than providing balance. A good man is a balance between sweet and attentive and leading. Seriously, you can't *have* it both ways and in just the amounts you desire when you desire them. Relationships don't work like that. You can *want* it. Next time, *talk* with him about it, in person or on the phone. Try it
sunnyup Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Mala sounds like your upset over nothing. Sounds also why you see this guy the way you do is probably linked to a past bad relationship, or perhaps your just a straight up bitch. He's probably old fashion which is the best kind. belieave me any guy in my circle that went out with a girl 4 times without getting laid, there wouldn't of been a 4th date.
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I found the juxtaposition between 'very nice guy' and her interpretation of his request to be a bit irreconcilable. Sounds like she had formed one impression and his assertiveness contradicted it. OP, try something next time. When there's a 'date' involved, invite the man to *call* you. Real aural conversation can often be more productive, and fun too yes, I had formed one impression of him until he just invited himself over to my place. We talked about it yesterday and he said it was a misunderstanding, that he really tought it would be more convinient for me. I forgive him because I was right and he IS a genuinely nice guy. As for the texting thing. I'm not very into it when planning a date but it does seem to be his way of communicating. I know he is busy and all. It would be nice to hear him once in a while. However, I'm not about to tell him that because things are pretty casual and I do not want to pressure him at all. I want to get to know the real him. If that makes any sense at all !
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Him: hey malala, whas up? You: call me Him: can't right now You: OK, ttyl Sweet and attentive and *interested* will call you
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Him: hey malala, whas up? You: call me Him: can't right now You: OK, ttyl Sweet and attentive and *interested* will call you LOL! That is a very clear way to send the message. I am not sure if I want to seem too bossy, like 'Call me or I won't talk to you'. I know girls should have standards but the texting is not a deal breaker for me, at least not rigt now. Should I be concerned with the texting? Is this a bad sign I'm ignoring?
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Texting isn't 'bad'. It's a form of communicating. I'm texting right now, posting this message. Does it really compare to having your arms around a woman you are attracted to and want to be with and whispering sweet nothings in her ear? God I hope not Clear communication. IMO, the best possible communication is in person looking in each other's eyes. Think about it. You're two strangers getting to know each other. Can you really do that and speak each other's intimate languages from a PDA keyboard? IMO, if his assertive suggestion was too imposing, merely *say* (because he should have called you) that 'it's inconvenient tonight, but I'd love to do that sometime; how about we go to xxx tonight?' This sets a boundary and also shows interest and some assertiveness of your own. Balance. Done with your voice. Good luck
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Mala sounds like your upset over nothing. Sounds also why you see this guy the way you do is probably linked to a past bad relationship, or perhaps your just a straight up bitch. He's probably old fashion which is the best kind. belieave me any guy in my circle that went out with a girl 4 times without getting laid, there wouldn't of been a 4th date. He realized from the beginning that he wouldn't get lucky with me anytime soon. We kissed on the third date. If he is looking for sex he would have been long gone. Unless he is one of those sick guys who stick around just for the hell of it. I have my principles, if he likes them fine and if not fine as well. I'm not a bitch nor do I blame every guy for my failure in past relationships. I'm used to being the one in charge with most of my other relationships so I have to get used to others making plans as well.
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 That's what's irreconcilable. Due to his 'sweet and attentive' words and actions, you evidently developed an impression that he was a 'nice guy', but this incident of 'leading' (your perception) negated the prior impression entirely, rather than providing balance. A good man is a balance between sweet and attentive and leading. Seriously, you can't *have* it both ways and in just the amounts you desire when you desire them. Relationships don't work like that. You can *want* it. Next time, *talk* with him about it, in person or on the phone. Try it I don't know what you are trying to say here. When you meet someone and spend a few hours with them, you start to realice the nature of the person. I think I am a good judge of character, but just because I think he is a nice guy doesn't mean he can't do no wrong or that he always has good intentions, that is almost impossible to know. I can only form an idea of his character from what I perceive. If certain behavior bothers me for one reason or another doesn't mean he is automatically disqualified as a good guy. I can tell that he is used to taking the leas which I admire in a guy, but not when the decisions he is making involve my personal space, body, etc. Regarding the *talk*, I guess you are right about actually having a conversation over the phone instead of text. I'll see how things progress in the next weeks. We do talk when we get together, in fact most of what we do is talk talk and talk.
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 We have gone out on four dates so far and I am enjoying the time we spend together.Well, yesterday he texted me 'Hey there Can we cook at ur place 2morrow? 7pm work? Red or white wine?'. I found it disrespectful for him to assume we could do it at my place without really consulting me. I also have a problem with phrases like 'red or white?' it just makes it sound so rehearsed. LOL. It's the journey from 'enjoying the time we spend together' to him *inquiring* whether he can cook for your at your place being 'disrespectful' that causes me pause. There did not appear to be any middle ground covered. Jump. to. a. conclusion. BTW, how much does he know about your male roommate?
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 It's the journey from 'enjoying the time we spend together' to him *inquiring* whether he can cook for your at your place being 'disrespectful' that causes me pause. There did not appear to be any middle ground covered. Jump. to. a. conclusion. BTW, how much does he know about your male roommate? ok, I get your point. Do you think I did the correct thing by inviting him to the game instead? He doesn't know anything about my roommate. He didn't ask and I didn't feel the necessity of telling him anything. Should I?
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Game was fine IMO. He sounds easy-going, even if making assertive inquiries, and didn't appear to react negatively to your modifying the direction of the plans. If I was dating a lady, after four dates, when I was thinking of cooking at her house, I'd want to know that she lives with a man. If he lived with a woman roommate, when would you want to know?
Author malala7 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Game was fine IMO. He sounds easy-going, even if making assertive inquiries, and didn't appear to react negatively to your modifying the direction of the plans. If I was dating a lady, after four dates, when I was thinking of cooking at her house, I'd want to know that she lives with a man. If he lived with a woman roommate, when would you want to know? I would like to know whenever he feels I should know. The 5th date might be a good time to talk more about our daily life and our routines. If he lived with a woman I wouldn't mind.
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 The operative questions in mind are does he drink beer, like old cars and have a fridge in the garage.... Seriously, IMO, it's more about disclosure than 'minding'. I doubt he minds, nor did I when younger and meeting single women with roommates. I liked meeting the roommates to check for any vibes that they were a couple prior or he had unrequited designs on her. I always have lived alone, save while married, so it was never an issue for me. Hope it works out
Tree Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 belieave me any guy in my circle that went out with a girl 4 times without getting laid, there wouldn't of been a 4th date. Then you travel in a pretty crappy circle. Is it a toilet?
Author malala7 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Then you travel in a pretty crappy circle. Is it a toilet? HAHA! I agree. I don't even want to surround myself with guys who are so superficial.
Author malala7 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 The operative questions in mind are does he drink beer, like old cars and have a fridge in the garage.... Seriously, IMO, it's more about disclosure than 'minding'. I doubt he minds, nor did I when younger and meeting single women with roommates. I liked meeting the roommates to check for any vibes that they were a couple prior or he had unrequited designs on her. I always have lived alone, save while married, so it was never an issue for me. Hope it works out [/quote/] Well, my roommate is a bit weird and can definetely send the wrong vibe. But that would be another different thread.
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