kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 FBS here..... I am most angry at my fWS because of the affair and the lies he told to sustain it; to me, to her, and to himself. But I do harbor some anger towards the OW, even if he did pursue her to the hilt and she enjoyed the attention. As a fBS herself, I would think she better than anyone, would have understood the pain her actions would cause another woman. So I have to conclude she didn't really care, lacked empathy for anyone other than herself and her feelings. Plus, building a successful family life is a huge undertaking and one mostly nurtured and sustained by the woman. So....get your own damn man, a single one, and build your own damn family, hopefully a happy one. Today, she hates us both, but it's okay. I have forgiven them both for their incredible, immature selfishness. I just wished out of all the people who suspected, somebody would have dropped a dime on them. I wouln't have cared less about the motivation. PJ, tell him unequivocably, if he does not stop contacting you, you will inform his wife. That should do it. Yes PJ... I agree. The only reason he continues to contact you is to continue to engage in acts of deception, selfishness and sexual fun. This is in no way healthy for you and only clouds your judgment and decision making. "Manage Your Destiny or Someone Will Manage It For You"... this can be in either a good or bad way.
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Very interesting perspective... I believe if a person calls and asks about the affair with the WS, there is an obligation to reveal the truth without having the intent of hurting the BS. Sure... there are things which will be revealed which will be emotionally difficult but the intent should not be to be spiteful towards the BS because the affair did not have the outcome the AP was hoping for. Although OFGnomore participated in an affair... her insight following the affair shows how much she has truly matured because of the affair and will allow her to seek a valued love in the future. Good Luck with this Kevin! Go to the other board and you will get the following advice to avoid returning that phone call from the BS. Better to walk on hot coals, because of these justifications: I didn't break a marriage vow. He/She did. I am not responsible for the state of his/her marriage. They are. I do not owe the BS anything. They should be asking their spouse. Not me! The spouse may be crazy, delusional, an alcoholic and God knows what else. Don't do it. The spouse may be lying. Don't do it. And on and on and on.....ad nauseum. Good luck getting a OW/OM to return the BS's call seeking clarification, except if there is an element of revenge over being dumped or harassed. Rarely, if ever, happens unless cornered at work or home. Trust me on this.
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Good Luck with this Kevin! Go to the other board and you will get the following advice to avoid returning that phone call from the BS. Better to walk on hot coals, because of these justifications: I didn't break a marriage vow. He/She did. I am not responsible for the state of his/her marriage. They are. I do not owe the BS anything. They should be asking their spouse. Not me! The spouse may be crazy, delusional, an alcoholic and God knows what else. Don't do it. The spouse may be lying. Don't do it. And on and on and on.....ad nauseum. Good luck getting a OW/OM to return the BS's call seeking clarification, except if there is an element of revenge over being dumped or harassed. Rarely, if ever, happens unless cornered at work or home. Trust me on this. To be honest Spark... most people aren't rational in these situations and you are right. Chances of success are little to none except in rare occasions.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 To be honest Spark... most people aren't rational in these situations and you are right. Chances of success are little to none except in rare occasions. IME, in most cases NC between all parties is usually the best. There is such little trust and you have 2 known betrayers, the chance of anything good happening is usually nil.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Although OFGnomore participated in an affair... her insight following the affair shows how much she has truly matured because of the affair and will allow her to seek a valued love in the future. Thanks Kevin, although the price for any growth was like paying with gold for a piece a penny candy.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Anyway so I think about revealing the affair to the BS. The idea nags at me frequently, to the point where I am thinking about "how" to do it. But here is what I think about and I wonder if all you experienced folk could help me. (1) how do you do it? Send a "Dear wife" letter and make it anonymous, or contact her as myself and spill the beans? you do it in person. you had the guts to mess around with her husband, have the guts to inform her to her face. (2) details - how much detail to reveal? I want to apologize that's for sure. But what else does a BS want to know, or not know? I can't speak for all BS, but all I need to know is if my SO had an affair and what kind, physical or emotional(not that it would really matter, but makes it much easier to leave and tell 'em to eff off if it were physical..but thats just me) otherwise, details don't mean anything to me, cuz I'm gone anyway. (3) consequences - will she start bugging me, show up at my office, my house? when you make terrible choices, you have consequences to deal with. I suspect if you tell her its over and want nothing to do with him, she won't be bugging you. I think a very few wives might if you told them that, but I could be wrong. What will this do to her? honestly, what do you care? where you thinking about this when climaxing with him? no I am concerned about repercussions. I am not interested in drama. then stay away from married men in the future But something pushes me to tell her. Part of it is, I went through so much pain when he decided to break it off. And he just went back home and picked up his life like I was never there. I want him to suffer like I did. which gets back to why would you care? you could have cared less as long as you were getting what you wanted. either way, I don't care. as long as she knows the truth about the cheating pr!ck, doesn't matter about your motives, no matter how lousy they are. There is also a part of me that doesn't feel he should be allowed to stay in a relationship that is not honest. but you only think this now that he is out of the picture. again, doesn't matter why as long as the wife is informed of what a d!ck she is married to. but you only want to tell her NOW because you are scorned. He is there and says it's good, but it's all built on a LIE. he was cheating on his wife with you, you are just now realizing he is a liar? Cheaters are liars by default. Yes I know it's none of my business how or why they stay together. But I dislike the fact that he used me to hurt her he used you? you mean you didn't know he was married? you don't have a mind of your own? You couldn't have said no to a married man? So what should I do? Thanks for your insights again, tell her, she deserves to know, but knock on her door when he isn't there and say it to her face. if you think she deserves to know, the she deserves it face-to-face and out in the complete open. you can apologize to her and tell her its completely over and she would probably decide to be civil. I know if a guy came to me to inform me that its over and that he wants nothing to do with her and that he is sorry(even though I'd smell bulls##t), I wouldn't get so angry at him that I want to pound his face in or stalk him. so again, you had the guts to mess around with her man, have the guts to tell it to her face.
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 To be honest Spark... most people aren't rational in these situations and you are right. Chances of success are little to none except in rare occasions. You, my friend, were extremely fortunate in at least having her cousin be forthright with you regarding the situation. Most WS when caught go into extreme gaslighting:"We are just friends." You're crazy." Nothing happened..... even while you sit there with proof in hand. It causes you to go crazy, doubt your sanity and your intuition. It's is horrible how WS's when caught, they seek to minimize everything to save their aZZ. Confronting the OW/OM is an attempt to seek clarification on the truth of the situation, which you may or may not get. But still, you hope for it. If they could be a fly on the wall after DDAY, they would truly be appalled how this "soulmate" affair is being spun into "just friends." Then, maybe, they would spill the beans on all of it. But usually, they do not IMHO.
turnera Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 you do it in person. you had the guts to mess around with her husband, have the guts to inform her to her face. I can't speak for all BS, but all I need to know is if my SO had an affair and what kind, physical or emotional(not that it would really matter, but makes it much easier to leave and tell 'em to eff off if it were physical..but thats just me) otherwise, details don't mean anything to me, cuz I'm gone anyway. when you make terrible choices, you have consequences to deal with. I suspect if you tell her its over and want nothing to do with him, she won't be bugging you. I think a very few wives might if you told them that, but I could be wrong. honestly, what do you care? where you thinking about this when climaxing with him? no then stay away from married men in the future which gets back to why would you care? you could have cared less as long as you were getting what you wanted. either way, I don't care. as long as she knows the truth about the cheating pr!ck, doesn't matter about your motives, no matter how lousy they are. but you only think this now that he is out of the picture. again, doesn't matter why as long as the wife is informed of what a d!ck she is married to. but you only want to tell her NOW because you are scorned. he was cheating on his wife with you, you are just now realizing he is a liar? Cheaters are liars by default. he used you? you mean you didn't know he was married? you don't have a mind of your own? You couldn't have said no to a married man? again, tell her, she deserves to know, but knock on her door when he isn't there and say it to her face. if you think she deserves to know, the she deserves it face-to-face and out in the complete open. you can apologize to her and tell her its completely over and she would probably decide to be civil. I know if a guy came to me to inform me that its over and that he wants nothing to do with her and that he is sorry(even though I'd smell bulls##t), I wouldn't get so angry at him that I want to pound his face in or stalk him. so again, you had the guts to mess around with her man, have the guts to tell it to her face.Nicely said.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Good Luck with this Kevin! Go to the other board and you will get the following advice to avoid returning that phone call from the BS. Better to walk on hot coals, because of these justifications: I didn't break a marriage vow. He/She did. I am not responsible for the state of his/her marriage. They are. I do not owe the BS anything. They should be asking their spouse. Not me! The spouse may be crazy, delusional, an alcoholic and God knows what else. Don't do it. The spouse may be lying. Don't do it. And on and on and on.....ad nauseum. Good luck getting a OW/OM to return the BS's call seeking clarification, except if there is an element of revenge over being dumped or harassed. Rarely, if ever, happens unless cornered at work or home. Trust me on this. I couldn't agree with you more Spark. The only reason the OW in my case did was because after many times hanging up on me...I finally called her back with her full name and address. Then and only was the reality of it all sinking in. Thats why she'll always be an old hag in my books. If she had nothing to hide..she wouldn't have hung up on me a million times before that! AP's seem to think theres some sort of competition meanwhile the BS doesnt even know what they are competing with. The fact that they think this guy they are having an affair with will eventually end up with them is ridiculous...and seriously who would want him after everything he just put his wife and kids through? Just that thought alone sickens me. And in all seriousness..if he wanted all those lusty feelings that she made him feel oh so good about himself...why not just GO???? I told him...go live with her...go play daddy to her kids...just get the F out! And they never do!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!
Secure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I couldn't agree with you more Spark. The only reason the OW in my case did was because after many times hanging up on me...I finally called her back with her full name and address. Then and only was the reality of it all sinking in. Thats why she'll always be an old hag in my books. If she had nothing to hide..she wouldn't have hung up on me a million times before that! AP's seem to think theres some sort of competition meanwhile the BS doesnt even know what they are competing with. The fact that they think this guy they are having an affair with will eventually end up with them is ridiculous...and seriously who would want him after everything he just put his wife and kids through? Just that thought alone sickens me. And in all seriousness..if he wanted all those lusty feelings that she made him feel oh so good about himself...why not just GO???? I told him...go live with her...go play daddy to her kids...just get the F out! And they never do!!!! WHY?!?!?!?! So, why let him stay?????? Most WS(men) know they will most likely be forgiven, I have seen it too much to believe otherwise. Calling the AP seems useless. What do you really gain? And does anything change from the information you receive from AP? I can understand if you suspect an affair. But if you have solid proof, why harass the AP? Why do BS feel the AP owes you more than your spouse? Spoke with the BS three times and all it did was make her even angrier. Sad thing, she put more trust in me by stating, "I don't feel like I can get the truth from my husband."
Secure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I couldn't agree with you more Spark. The only reason the OW in my case did was because after many times hanging up on me...I finally called her back with her full name and address. Then and only was the reality of it all sinking in. Thats why she'll always be an old hag in my books. If she had nothing to hide..she wouldn't have hung up on me a million times before that! AP's seem to think theres some sort of competition meanwhile the BS doesnt even know what they are competing with. The fact that they think this guy they are having an affair with will eventually end up with them is ridiculous...and seriously who would want him after everything he just put his wife and kids through? Just that thought alone sickens me. And in all seriousness..if he wanted all those lusty feelings that she made him feel oh so good about himself...why not just GO???? I told him...go live with her...go play daddy to her kids...just get the F out! And they never do!!!! WHY?!?!?!?! BS knew my parents, children, email, cell number, home number, address, church, few friends, and more before the affair. I am in no way proud of my actions but just doubt many OW would care if you had that information.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 [/b] So, why let him stay?????? Most WS(men) know they will most likely be forgiven, I have seen it too much to believe otherwise. Calling the AP seems useless. What do you really gain? And does anything change from the information you receive from AP? I can understand if you suspect an affair. But if you have solid proof, why harass the AP? Why do BS feel the AP owes you more than your spouse? Spoke with the BS three times and all it did was make her even angrier. Sad thing, she put more trust in me by stating, "I don't feel like I can get the truth from my husband." I didn't have proof...and I did NOT harrass the slut either! I had a gut feeling and went with it. She outed the affair under pressure. Up until I spoke to her..I had no intentions on finding out my man was in fact cheating on me. I called her twice and that was it. I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. Period! All I wanted from her was the truth since my partner of 13 yrs was being a selfish ahole behind my back.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 BS knew my parents, children, email, cell number, home number, address, church, few friends, and more before the affair. I am in no way proud of my actions but just doubt many OW would care if you had that information. I think you mean AP...either way I didn't need any personal info from her whatsoever. I just needed the truth! I got lucky..reversed her number..got her name and address and saw she lived a block away from from of the places he goes to for work out of the city. My DDay occurred by simple luck on my side. So now my question to you! Why not just leave your wife since you have no respect for her?
Secure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I didn't have proof...and I did NOT harrass the slut either! I had a gut feeling and went with it. She outed the affair under pressure. Up until I spoke to her..I had no intentions on finding out my man was in fact cheating on me. I called her twice and that was it. I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. Period! All I wanted from her was the truth since my partner of 13 yrs was being a selfish ahole behind my back. Understandable. BS attempted to harass me. So, are you still with him?
Secure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I think you mean AP...either way I didn't need any personal info from her whatsoever. I just needed the truth! I got lucky..reversed her number..got her name and address and saw she lived a block away from from of the places he goes to for work out of the city. My DDay occurred by simple luck on my side. So now my question to you! Why not just leave your wife since you have no respect for her? I meant BS, that was correct. I am a female and no longer involved in affair.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Understandable. BS attempted to harass me. So, are you still with him? We're on a trial run at this point. Time can only tell if my R can be saved. I was almost very ready to sell the home and we both go our seperate ways...but its not that easy when you love them and have his child. I don't want to make any irrational decisions at this point.
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 [/b] So, why let him stay?????? Most WS(men) know they will most likely be forgiven, I have seen it too much to believe otherwise. Calling the AP seems useless. What do you really gain? And does anything change from the information you receive from AP? I can understand if you suspect an affair. But if you have solid proof, why harass the AP? Why do BS feel the AP owes you more than your spouse? Spoke with the BS three times and all it did was make her even angrier. Sad thing, she put more trust in me by stating, "I don't feel like I can get the truth from my husband." Secure, that was honorable of you to pick up that phone three times. Like I've said, after DDay, the WS will lie, minimize, and generally have you feeling crazy. Sorry, you were the recipient of her misplaced anger. Chances are you only received a fraction of what he got when she discovered yet another lie from him.
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I couldn't agree with you more Spark. The only reason the OW in my case did was because after many times hanging up on me...I finally called her back with her full name and address. Then and only was the reality of it all sinking in. Thats why she'll always be an old hag in my books. If she had nothing to hide..she wouldn't have hung up on me a million times before that! AP's seem to think theres some sort of competition meanwhile the BS doesnt even know what they are competing with. The fact that they think this guy they are having an affair with will eventually end up with them is ridiculous...and seriously who would want him after everything he just put his wife and kids through? Just that thought alone sickens me. And in all seriousness..if he wanted all those lusty feelings that she made him feel oh so good about himself...why not just GO???? I told him...go live with her...go play daddy to her kids...just get the F out! And they never do!!!! WHY?!?!?!?! Had the same response, Princess. Kept throwing him out and told him to go get her; I was moving on with my life. He kept showing up and begging to reconcile. I refused. Doubt he told her that. I think for some, It's just not as much fun, not as lusty, if it is not some hot secret; if it is not forbidden any longer. Maybe it took the lead out of his pencil? Who knows.
road Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 planet janet Or dear spaced out cadet. You were used and the sample was ample and OM was now bored and did what they usually do. Dump their side girl. The BW deserves to know the truth, but not from a OW that only wants to tell because they seek revenge.
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