Author PlanetJanet Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 She doesn't want to face reality. She's doing it for the kids. She wants to honor her commitment. She actually loves him, flaws and all. She'd rather work on the marriage she has than bail and have to start all over with someone who might be as bad or worse, you never know what you're gonna get. All of these and more that only she knows. She is the last person you should be judging. Seriously spriggig, I am not judging this lady. I have nothing against her and actually feel like a crum-bum of sorts for contributing to her hurt. If I had even confessed believe me, it would have gone with an apology for my part in what occurred. I know I was wrong and I know it was selfish to pursue my feelings and gratification at another's expense. I just wish I understood the dynamic. I wish I had her side of the story as I am sure his story was slanted for his benefit. That's all. I am sure she has a variety of reasons for what she does, just like all of us. As I said I think had we met under different circumstances, I would have liked her. But it's a little late for that now.
imagine Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 PJ, Use your experience to help some one else. I guarantee that you will learn something new as you do!
OFGnomore Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I don't mean to sound trite, but All is Fair in Love and War. If you tell, expect drama and the reference to the hornets nest rings true. But that doesn't, mean you should or shouldn't. It seems to me that what drives you either way is self preservation. Which IMO seems selfish but then again participating in an affair is selfish for both involved parties. Mostly, I fall on the side of Bent not Broken. Tell and supply all evidence and then STAY THE HELL AWAY. And you may be surprised that this newly reformed MM tries calling you in the future, when his marriage is boring to him again. Because unless his W knows, it's a hellava secret to keep for life. And I'll be damned if anyone has a happy marriage carrying a secret like this. I've read about deathbed confessions, so nice to learn about these things this way with no one around to answer questions once the bomb has been dropped. But for most cheaters, it's all about self preservation to the end.
bentnotbroken Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It always amazes me when thoughts of the children's safety, mental and emotional well being comes into play....after the fact. I don't understand this mentality. Why now? Why not think before that you could be putting your children in the path of an unstable person? Why allow an emotion to over rule the safety of your children or someone else's for that matter? How does one place their children in a box separate from their actions and the consequences of those actions?
OFGnomore Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) It always amazes me when thoughts of the children's safety, mental and emotional well being comes into play....after the fact. I don't understand this mentality. Why now? Why not think before that you could be putting your children in the path of an unstable person? Why allow an emotion to over rule the safety of your children or someone else's for that matter? How does one place their children in a box separate from their actions and the consequences of those actions? It's ridiculous. It's just another failure that many cheaters don't want to own up too. And any "reformed cheater" who is now all pious and protecting their children is, to me, a huge red flag that you've got a person who just doesn't "get it" and really understand the depth of their actions which means - no growth and if you stay, the BS becomes responsible for their own victim hood in the future. ETA: I think the "protecting the children" after the fact is a ploy to help a cheater redeem his/herself. It's like , I fed my child poison, but now I want to nurse them back to health and let everyone know about it, because deep down, this is now another situation that serves me in a self soothing way. Edited July 6, 2010 by OFGnomore
kevinm1019 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Hi everyone, I had an affair with a MM and after a long and circuitous break up, we are now on NC. It was a month of NC on Sunday. The hurt has subsided greatly although there are still twinges of missing him. Ever since we broke it off I have been fighting the urge to reveal our affair to his W. He went back to her obviously, said that he cares for her as a person and their life was great in every way except intimacy. And that got better too. They have a child, he feels obligation and guilt, she came first, these are all the reasons he gave for why he want back. He is the one who initiated NC, he called it "taking a break" although I do not see any reason that the break will end. I enjoy the silence. Anyway so I think about revealing the affair to the BS. The idea nags at me frequently, to the point where I am thinking about "how" to do it. But here is what I think about and I wonder if all you experienced folk could help me. (1) how do you do it? Send a "Dear wife" letter and make it anonymous, or contact her as myself and spill the beans? (2) details - how much detail to reveal? I want to apologize that's for sure. But what else does a BS want to know, or not know? (3) consequences - will she start bugging me, show up at my office, my house? What will this do to her? She already suspects/suspected him. (4) why do I want to do this and why can't I give up the idea? I am concerned about repercussions. I am not interested in drama. But something pushes me to tell her. Part of it is, I went through so much pain when he decided to break it off. And he just went back home and picked up his life like I was never there. I want him to suffer like I did. There is also a part of me that doesn't feel he should be allowed to stay in a relationship that is not honest. He is there and says it's good, but it's all built on a LIE. Yes I know it's none of my business how or why they stay together. But I dislike the fact that he used me to hurt her, and she suspects me, and she does not know the truth. She cannot make an informed decision on whether to stay with him when she does not know the truth. I know his wife suspects me, she has asked about me but he dodges the questions. She checked his phone and texts, goodness knows what else she has asked or done. Of course she also knows my phone number, address and where I work so if she wanted to know answers she certainly knows where to find me. So what should I do? Thanks for your insights What purpose would this serve other than revenge on him, further hurting his wife and potentially hurting their child? As everyone else here has stated in previous posts... none of these things were considerations while you were having the affair with her husband... so why now? Because you feel slighted? What did you think was going to happen? He was dishonest to his wife and you had knowledge of this without having any apprehensions about supporting him in his deception as long as you received some benefit. When he told you about his marriage and you were willing to continue seeing him... you showed him not only did you not respect his marriage or family... you showed him you were desperate and did not respect yourself. Move on and find a way to mature from this and realize you deserve better... but you have to be willing to mature, deal with your character issues and find someone of value who will give you what you are willing to give in return.
Woman In Blue Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 But rather than man up and say "Janet I have decided to end things" he said nothing and continued to let me flirt with him and make plans to do things together. We saw each other in public and talked on the phone and he said NOTHING. He had so many chances to tell me he was done. But he didn't and I feel like a humiliated fool. Pursuing someone who had dumped me but not bothered to tell me. THAT makes me very mad. Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. The night he told me that he still loves me and shelved us and wants to just be friends, we also were intimate. Then he blamed me for seducing him. So much for a clear signal! But I digress. Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. He sent me mixed signals for so long, hurt me and strung me along, while he just went home to his marital bed and his marital life and acts like I never existed. Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. And I want her side of the story - I want to know if he was just lying to me, what their life was really like, etc. I have this crazy fantasy that she and I could compare notes and learn together what a lying sack he truly is. You'll no doubt get quite a different story. Most xOW find out, in the end, that their married man was quite the little spin doctor. Don't be surprised when you find out that things weren't nearly as bad as he'd painted them.
turnera Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. Being very blunt, why did you expect him to show ANY character or integrity? He'd already proved to you he had none the second he started bad-mouthing his wife, lying to her, and cheating on her with you. You'll no doubt get quite a different story. Most xOW find out, in the end, that their married man was quite the little spin doctor. Don't be surprised when you find out that things weren't nearly as bad as he'd painted them.Quoted for truth! I never stop being amazed when people who cheat complain, that their affair partner had low morals! Well, duh...he's a cheater! And guess what? So is the OP!
SarahRose Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Quoted for truth! I never stop being amazed when people who cheat complain, that their affair partner had low morals! Well, duh...he's a cheater! And guess what? So is the OP! Yeah and I really don't understand the American culture of sweeping it under the rug. People give all these reasons for not telling the spouse. Why shouldn't they tell? The spouse deserves full information to make a choice. All this doing the right thing and not hurting her or him by telling. What utter rubbish. If either one of them were concerned about anyone being hurt, the affair never would have taken place at all. I think not telling just makes the cheater more likely to cheat because he knows every foolish sappy female he decides to bed will keep her trap shut afterwards. How nice and convenient for him!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Well I'm a BS and I would have to say tell her! I got my info and D-Day from the OW on the phone and basically she was either going to deal with me in person if she didn't..and that might have gotten really ugly! She ho'd and hum'd a lot not wanting to tell me anything...but I kept it very clear that this had nothing to do with her. My WS fed her so many lies...even to the point he was moving to her area this summer. I even laughed on the phone at how many lies this woman actually believed. Anyhow...her info got me the clearance I needed..and it actually answered a lot of questions I needed answers to in my household for the last few months. No I would never be her friend..and hell I don't even want to see what the old hag looks like. Either way...had a woman come up to me and tell me this to my face...my first reaction would be to punch her straight on! Even if she contacted me...that would still be a little confrontational. I would simply mail her something..leave your number on that letter..and if she needs any answers...she'll know where to call you. I do think she should make the choice if she wants to be with him though.
OFGnomore Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 What purpose would this serve other than revenge on him, further hurting his wife and potentially hurting their child? As everyone else here has stated in previous posts... none of these things were considerations while you were having the affair with her husband... so why now? Because you feel slighted? What did you think was going to happen? He was dishonest to his wife and you had knowledge of this without having any apprehensions about supporting him in his deception as long as you received some benefit. When he told you about his marriage and you were willing to continue seeing him... you showed him not only did you not respect his marriage or family... you showed him you were desperate and did not respect yourself. Move on and find a way to mature from this and realize you deserve better... but you have to be willing to mature, deal with your character issues and find someone of value who will give you what you are willing to give in return. Are you a MM? Your response makes me think such.
OFGnomore Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Well I'm a BS and I would have to say tell her! My WS fed her so many lies...even to the point he was moving to her area this summer. I even laughed on the phone at how many lies this woman actually believed. You find your H's ability to lie to a woman he cheated on you with funny? Wow what a talent! Are you still with this guy? Sounds like you won the booby prize. But over all I agree the W should know regardless of what she chooses to do about it.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 You find your H's ability to lie to a woman he cheated on you with funny? Wow what a talent! Are you still with this guy? Sounds like you won the booby prize. But over all I agree the W should know regardless of what she chooses to do about it. Absolutely...how this other woman came to believe all the things said and yet he still came home everynight. Never made a move to MOVE! Just at what point does the OW realize that its all lies is what makes me laugh. Anyhow..I personally don't need to explain myself to you...a CHEATER! Therefore...your husband sounds like hes the one who won the booby prize!
OFGnomore Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Absolutely...how this other woman came to believe all the things said and yet he still came home everynight. Never made a move to MOVE! Just at what point does the OW realize that its all lies is what makes me laugh. Anyhow..I personally don't need to explain myself to you...a CHEATER! Therefore...your husband sounds like hes the one who won the booby prize! At what point do you take responsibility for your actions? You seriously think the OW is amusing, more so than your self proclaimed lying husband? Seriously. I'd worry more about the cheater your married too than the one my H is. Just direct me to his posts about how remorseful he is over his actions. I'm sure he's a wonderful man.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 At what point do you take responsibility for your actions? You seriously think the OW is amusing, more so than your self proclaimed lying husband? Seriously. I'd worry more about the cheater your married too than the one my H is. Just direct me to his posts about how remorseful he is over his actions. I'm sure he's a wonderful man. My actions for what? For him straying with some loser who thought he was the best thing in the world? Honey...I have nothing to prove to you or anyone on this forum. I simply came here to listen and learn from people in MY shoes. You do not follow my category..therefore your words mean *****. Agree and disagree is one thing...but to judge others after what you've done is just as hypocritical as you thinking posting your life is remorseful to your husband. 3 words to you...get over yourself!
TOWinNYC Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 My actions for what? For him straying with some loser who thought he was the best thing in the world? Honey...I have nothing to prove to you or anyone on this forum. I simply came here to listen and learn from people in MY shoes. You do not follow my category..therefore your words mean *****. Agree and disagree is one thing...but to judge others after what you've done is just as hypocritical as you thinking posting your life is remorseful to your husband. 3 words to you...get over yourself! PP80 - she may have been a "loser" in your eyes but believe me, your H? He LOVED being thought of as "the best thing in the world". Apparently it was worth betraying you for it. You may or may not have made him feel the same (while the A was going on) but I'm just pointing out that MEN IN GENERAL (women too! And not just married people!) like feeling that way. You may be here to listen & learn from "others in your shoes" but just as BS's like to comment on the OW/OM discussions, OFG has a right to speak her mind here. Just an FYI.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 PP80 - she may have been a "loser" in your eyes but believe me, your H? He LOVED being thought of as "the best thing in the world". Apparently it was worth betraying you for it. You may or may not have made him feel the same (while the A was going on) but I'm just pointing out that MEN IN GENERAL (women too! And not just married people!) like feeling that way. You may be here to listen & learn from "others in your shoes" but just as BS's like to comment on the OW/OM discussions, OFG has a right to speak her mind here. Just an FYI. And I don't deny any of that at all. Anyone wants to feel wanted...I understand that. What I don't understand is how OFG is trying to make my man cheater a lying dog and she who has cheated on her husband some innocent remorseful spouse. She doesnt know my life...or what I'm up against...and my decision on whether I'm staying with this cheater has not even come close to being made yet. I am simply giving my reply to a question based on my life experience. She attacked first...therefore I will attack right back!
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 No I'm not but I went through D-Day in February 2010 where I discovered my fiancee was having an affair... what purpose does hurting the other people serve when things don't turn out the way you want?
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Very... very good PJ... this is a step in growing from this and beginning to understand yourself. Very proud of you!!
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 No I'm not but I went through D-Day in February 2010 where I discovered my fiancee was having an affair... what purpose does hurting the other people serve when things don't turn out the way you want? Not sure how you found out but aren't you glad YOU DID FIND OUT? And if finding out meant being told by someone with selfish motivations yet the facts were still true about your fiancee. Would you still want to know? I think yes.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 And I don't deny any of that at all. Anyone wants to feel wanted...I understand that. What I don't understand is how OFG is trying to make my man cheater a lying dog and she who has cheated on her husband some innocent remorseful spouse. She doesnt know my life...or what I'm up against...and my decision on whether I'm staying with this cheater has not even come close to being made yet. I am simply giving my reply to a question based on my life experience. She attacked first...therefore I will attack right back! Sorry for the TJ: My point PP80 is if the only thing or main thing that is keeping your M together is the demonization of your H's FOW, it doesn't bode well for a healthy reconciliation. But it makes sense if you're still working out your decision to be in this place of anger with the OW. I find that on this site and in my own M we got to a better place by putting the full responsibility for my choices on me. xMM pursued me full hilt but I could have stopped it 100% by not participating. Period. And at the end of the day, for me, when you like yourself and respect yourself in a healthy way(I don't believe the million & 1 excuses why men or when cheat - at the core you have a person who doesn't value themself or others), the type of gratification I received from his attention, doesn't have the same appeal and you see it for what it is, a person that doesn't respect them self or their family very much and there's nothing gratifying about being involved with someone like that.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Sorry for the TJ: My point PP80 is if the only thing or main thing that is keeping your M together is the demonization of your H's FOW, it doesn't bode well for a healthy reconciliation. But it makes sense if you're still working out your decision to be in this place of anger with the OW. I find that on this site and in my own M we got to a better place by putting the full responsibility for my choices on me. xMM pursued me full hilt but I could have stopped it 100% by not participating. Period. And at the end of the day, for me, when you like yourself and respect yourself in a healthy way(I don't believe the million & 1 excuses why men or when cheat - at the core you have a person who doesn't value themself or others), the type of gratification I received from his attention, doesn't have the same appeal and you see it for what it is, a person that doesn't respect them self or their family very much and there's nothing gratifying about being involved with someone like that. Absolutely not. The OW isn't being dwelled on by me or my H. She's not being demonized either. I am married to him...not her...therefore..I really do appreciate her honesty as I most likely wouldn;t get it from him. Sure I'll call her names...but she was fooled by my MM just as I was. The only thing I don't get with the OW is...if she knew he still lived with me and our son...why would she want to settle for that? I suppose he led her to believe that we were on the verge of a split...which I can honestly say..I was!But a whole year of someone saying that..you'd think you'd get a clue right? I will take 50 percent ownership in our relationship issues prior to the A...but he's taking 100 percent ownership for straying. I have nothing negative to say to the OW at this point and I don't want to be the victim in all this either.She answered most of the questions I had on D-Day and even though she did it with attitude..I am thankful for that. I told her to put herself in my shoes...and she basically did. End of story. Now its on my own my shoulders whether he's learned something from all this. We are only humans afterall.
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Not sure how you found out but aren't you glad YOU DID FIND OUT? And if finding out meant being told by someone with selfish motivations yet the facts were still true about your fiancee. Would you still want to know? I think yes. Do you really want to know? LOL!! She shattered her kneecap on her way to get a pedicure for her double date with her boyfriend, her female cousin and one of his friends. While we were in the emergency room, the doctor told us she would need 24/7 care due to the severity of her injury but I couldn't take off work the following week due to some major projects... so we had to call her parents in Arizona. She had her parents number in her phone but her phone was locked and she did not want to give me her password to unlock the phone so I could call her parents because I didn't have it stored in my phone... which arose my curiosity. Once the nurses induced her with morphine for pain and she unlocked her phone... I decided to browse through some previous text messages from her cousin who asked her to make sure her boyfriend brought a friend to her house next time since she let her use her bedroom the last time she was there... that was my D-Day. I asked her cousin why considering she had just gotten out of a 3 year long affair with a married man who dumped her and her response was... "What did you expect me to do?!! Tell you who my cousin was f*ckin?" I responded with... "Let me answer that question for you... because she's your "cousin" and she is in a good relationship... you don't encourage her by allowing her to come to your place to have sex... especially with someone she met on the internet and knew for a month. That man could've walked into "your" apartment... raped and killed you both... and no one would've known any better." Let me just say... with the knee injury, therapy, lots of time to think and the impact she has seen it have on me, her children, her family and the loss of character/respect... she regrets the day she made the poor decision she did. More specifically because through it all... I have continued to care for her and provide for her but have emotionally distanced myself.
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 FBS here..... I am most angry at my fWS because of the affair and the lies he told to sustain it; to me, to her, and to himself. But I do harbor some anger towards the OW, even if he did pursue her to the hilt and she enjoyed the attention. As a fBS herself, I would think she better than anyone, would have understood the pain her actions would cause another woman. So I have to conclude she didn't really care, lacked empathy for anyone other than herself and her feelings. Plus, building a successful family life is a huge undertaking and one mostly nurtured and sustained by the woman. So....get your own damn man, a single one, and build your own damn family, hopefully a happy one. Today, she hates us both, but it's okay. I have forgiven them both for their incredible, immature selfishness. I just wished out of all the people who suspected, somebody would have dropped a dime on them. I wouln't have cared less about the motivation. PJ, tell him unequivocably, if he does not stop contacting you, you will inform his wife. That should do it.
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Absolutely not. The OW isn't being dwelled on by me or my H. She's not being demonized either. I am married to him...not her...therefore..I really do appreciate her honesty as I most likely wouldn;t get it from him. Sure I'll call her names...but she was fooled by my MM just as I was. The only thing I don't get with the OW is...if she knew he still lived with me and our son...why would she want to settle for that? I suppose he led her to believe that we were on the verge of a split...which I can honestly say..I was!But a whole year of someone saying that..you'd think you'd get a clue right? I will take 50 percent ownership in our relationship issues prior to the A...but he's taking 100 percent ownership for straying. I have nothing negative to say to the OW at this point and I don't want to be the victim in all this either.She answered most of the questions I had on D-Day and even though she did it with attitude..I am thankful for that. I told her to put herself in my shoes...and she basically did. End of story. Now its on my own my shoulders whether he's learned something from all this. We are only humans afterall. Very interesting perspective... I believe if a person calls and asks about the affair with the WS, there is an obligation to reveal the truth without having the intent of hurting the BS. Sure... there are things which will be revealed which will be emotionally difficult but the intent should not be to be spiteful towards the BS because the affair did not have the outcome the AP was hoping for. Although OFGnomore participated in an affair... her insight following the affair shows how much she has truly matured because of the affair and will allow her to seek a valued love in the future.
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