Fighting the urge to reveal all to BS

[PlanetJanet]

Yes I would remain NC if he called. If he said it was an emergency or I saw him bleeding on the street I would help him. But that is IT. No friendship no small talk and definitely no relationship.

 

I don't want what he has to offer (namely half of himself) so I'd rather have nothing. He made a decision to go back and he gets to stay there now. I don't want to be second place and I don't want her leftovers.

 

Plus, I realized after a month of NC that contact was a stressful, emotional roller coaster. It feels good to get off it.

[Mimolicious]

 

I don't want what he has to offer (namely half of himself) so I'd rather have nothing. He made a decision to go back and he gets to stay there now. I don't want to be second place and I don't want her leftovers.

 

 

If he wasnt so terminal about staying with his W (which is yet to be proven) would you feel the same? Not wanting second place?

Do they have kids?

 

I hope you stick to your terms of NC and don't do that, don't tell his W.

At the end, you are the one that sleeps with your conscience every night. Bad enough you to have to rehab from the relationship alone. You can't afford bad karma. I wish you strenght.

[whichwayisup]

My therapist even suggested I befriend her

 

For someone who doesn't want drama in her life, you're certainly asking for it.

 

Your Therapist is wrong and for her to advise you to befriend MM's wife is just INSANE! Obviously this T doesn't have your best interest at heart. She sees $$$$ and how much you'll need MORE therapy if you choose to tell MM's wife, let alone try to be this womans friend. It's sick and it's just plain wrong. It's cruel, manipulative and something that your T should NOT have suggested to you.

 

Your choice obviously, but if you choose to confess to his wife, you are going to regret it one day. His wife could make YOUR life a living hell, so think twice before you invite MORE drama into your life.

[sally4sara]

Motives for telling aside, I would want to know.

 

I would want to know:

How long?

How did it start and under what misconception did she enter into the affair?

And some info about when and where so I could know she was telling the truth and confront him with evidence. In the way of times and dates and forwarding some correspondence they shared (emails, texts).

If they practiced safe sex always or not.

[PlanetJanet]

Ouch everyone, I asked for your opinions and you have been very candid. I thank you all.

 

I was naive. I had never done anything like this before and I know especially now that I am OUT of it, how stupid it was. I heard myself saying things like "well he may be lying to her but *I* am different, he wouldn't lie to me." Yes you can all get up off the floor from laughing. I really used to think that.

 

But now that I am out of the situation I do see that I probably was not the first, will not be the last. It was all about him and his needs. It was wrong of me to get involved with someone who was not truly available, and I do have to pay the price of making that choice.

 

Yes I was jilted. Yes I am mad. Yes I am a hypocrite because I was willing to live the lie of an A with him when it was good but now want to blow it all apart because it has gone bad. But I am also human and I hurt and I think irrational things at times. This is a new experience for me and one I will never repeat. I appreciate all of your insights.

 

It's true that I an enjoying NC and spilling the beans would be contact, that is a point I had not thought about. My plan is to avoid him for good, I see no reason for our paths to cross.

 

I think my therapist was sort of kidding about befriending him, as she is also the one who pointed out that he was lying and selfish and would scurry back home.

 

And whoever pointed out that maybe I am pondering a dday so I can keep connected to him - you might be right.

 

And whoever said that maybe he is struggling and unhappy, you might be right too. I have no way to find out and I am hopeful that in a few months I will no longer care.

[nadiaj2727]

That's a good attitude... you are being honest with yourself which is the only way to learn from this and move on. We are all human make mistakes and I think it is big of you to acknowledge your past mistakes and your current insecurities and doubts etc. To me you will come out of this much healthier than the people who act like they are gods and they did no wrong and can do no wrong. Ha ha. I applaud you and wish you well in your continued insight and strength.

[Hazyhead]

If you're enjoying NC that's a great sign! Yes, you would be ending it by revealing the A; you would be ending the healing process you're going through. And you are going through it - the anger is a step. Keep thinking that you do not want to be there just for his needs. It's unlikely that his marriage is peachy right now - if he's even slightly a decent person he will have some sort of guilt, or something. Leave their issues to them. Chances are it will come out eventually anyway. Don't put yourself back in it, Janet, move forward instead.

 

BTW, it's not very likely that a Dday will bring you contact in the way that you want. It's probable that instead it will bring you traumatic contact - and you'll still end up left out.

 

Look after you and the best way to do that is walk on.

[PlanetJanet]

Janet,

 

I re-read my response and realize how harsh it sounds.

 

Overall, my feelings stand ....but I feel I should have chosen my words better.

 

GUESS MY ANGER TOWARD THE OM in my case (he told my STBX the same things) is showing through.

 

Please accept my apology. I have asked Tony to remove.

 

Harshness is not a bad thing and I needed it. I tell my friends that a year from now we can all sit back and laugh at all of what has transpired in my life. I am looking forward to 2011!

 

You can remove your reply but I already copied it and kept it to read in greater detail. How could you address a subject like this without strong emotion if you are knee deep in it yourself?

 

At this point I think I will not spill any beans to the wife. I wrote her a detailed "dear wife" letter in March and a friend of mine said "if you still want to send it in 6 months then do it." There is something to be said for the passage of time and its ability to put things in perspective. I do wish him well and hope he is happy wherever he ends up. This feeling usually hides behind my anger and sadness, but it's in there.

 

I really need to examine my motivations more deeply. That is something I have not done. But I will now, thanks to all of your input. It's not all lofty "she deserves to know the truth" although a lot of it is. I want the truth also. Some of you have had civil discussions with the BS and I thought maybe I could have an exchange like that with her.

[turnera]

i understand that you have suffered. I believe the A will come out when it needs too. I don`t believe its your place. Hopefully he is relishing in his marriage and what he almost lost. Let it go... If he is living happily ever after, good for him and his BS. If he isn`t... he is suffering too... his guilt probably overtaking him at times.

 

My hope for any man or woman who walks back into their M without a Dday is that they find their peace in their M. Otherwise, history repeats itself.

 

don`t do it...

OTOH, if you don't tell her you are putting that woman through more years of torture and self-hatred until she DOES get a DDay for the next woman your OM shags.

 

You have information SHE needs to be able to make an honest decision about her own life. You are denying her that ability by keeping silent.

[sally4sara]

I think the rightness or wrongness of disclosure depends heavily on how adherent the MM/MW was to practicing safe sex.

If he didn't bother with it all the time or ever, I say disclose because he is willing to compromise her sexual health.

[Snowflower]

Harshness is not a bad thing and I needed it. I tell my friends that a year from now we can all sit back and laugh at all of what has transpired in my life. I am looking forward to 2011!

 

You can remove your reply but I already copied it and kept it to read in greater detail. How could you address a subject like this without strong emotion if you are knee deep in it yourself?

 

At this point I think I will not spill any beans to the wife. I wrote her a detailed "dear wife" letter in March and a friend of mine said "if you still want to send it in 6 months then do it." There is something to be said for the passage of time and its ability to put things in perspective. I do wish him well and hope he is happy wherever he ends up. This feeling usually hides behind my anger and sadness, but it's in there.

 

 

I really need to examine my motivations more deeply. That is something I have not done. But I will now, thanks to all of your input. It's not all lofty "she deserves to know the truth" although a lot of it is. I want the truth also. Some of you have had civil discussions with the BS and I thought maybe I could have an exchange like that with her.

 

This is just all well, so nice! It sounds like you're well on your way to healing.

 

fBS here...I never spoke to my H's xOW and she never made any contact with me either. It's just as well, I think. I've always felt like for some weird reason, she and I are never to meet beyond the one time she and I met before the A. It's like it would be against the laws of the universe or something.

 

My questions were for my H, not the OW.

 

Anyway, I don't think it would do a lot of good to talk to her...for either her or you. What do you want to know from the BW...you said you wanted the truth. I think it would be more likely that she would want the truth from you, especially if her H was being less than honest.

[turnera]

I think the rightness or wrongness of disclosure depends heavily on how adherent the MM/MW was to practicing safe sex.

If he didn't bother with it all the time or ever, I say disclose because he is willing to compromise her sexual health.

Maybe those who have been betrayed spouses can tell more on this. It's common for them, especially those who suspect but can't prove, to tear themselves down, blame themselves, not understanding why their spouse has disconnected, thinking THEY have done something wrong...when all along it was NOT them at all.

 

Telling them the truth can allow them to stop living a lie and it can allow them to stop blaming themselves.

[sally4sara]

Maybe those who have been betrayed spouses can tell more on this. It's common for them, especially those who suspect but can't prove, to tear themselves down, blame themselves, not understanding why their spouse has disconnected, thinking THEY have done something wrong...when all along it was NOT them at all.

 

Telling them the truth can allow them to stop living a lie and it can allow them to stop blaming themselves.

 

I'd rather go through that than wind up with herpes, HPV, or HIV.

[rewe4reel]

Harshness is not a bad thing and I needed it.

 

Not "harshness." Reality. Affairs are fantasies. You need reality.

 

If you find the reality of what people are telling you feels harsh, then you have been living in a fantasy for too long.

 

 

 

I tell my friends that a year from now we can all sit back and laugh at all of what has transpired in my life. I am looking forward to 2011!

 

O.K. "Friends." Another reality. Who are really your "friends"? Anyone who told you to get out of this affair is a friend. Anyone who did not, is not a friend. Dump them. You may not have many "friends" left, if any.

 

You may have to find new friends. The wrong kind of friends, the kind that encouraged you in the affair, simply reinforced self-destructive behavior.

 

There is nothing to laugh about here. Now or in 2011.

 

 

 

At this point I think I will not spill any beans to the wife. I wrote her a detailed "dear wife" letter in March and a friend of mine said "if you still want to send it in 6 months then do it."

 

Rip the letter up now. As long as you keep the letter you leave open the possibility, at least in your mind, of re-opening communication with the MM's family and hence with the MM.

 

You need to burn these bridges.

 

 

There is something to be said for the passage of time and its ability to put things in perspective. I do wish him well and hope he is happy wherever he ends up. This feeling usually hides behind my anger and sadness, but it's in there.

 

Stop thinking about him, period. Whether to wish him ill or wish him well, it's two sides of the same coin. It's part of the continuing obsession with the fantasy of the affair. Stop writing about him, thinking about him, anything about him.

 

 

 

I really need to examine my motivations more deeply. That is something I have not done. But I will now, thanks to all of your input. It's not all lofty "she deserves to know the truth" although a lot of it is. I want the truth also. Some of you have had civil discussions with the BS and I thought maybe I could have an exchange like that with her.

 

 

Your "motivation" for engaging in an affair was a fear of commitment to an available man. Find someone who is free to commit to you and to whom you are free to commit to.

 

You are afraid of commitment.

 

Why?

[Tsm]

O.K. "Friends." Another reality. Who are really your "friends"? Anyone who told you to get out of this affair is a friend. Anyone who did not, is not a friend. Dump them.

I beg 2 differ with this statement, a friend is a friend no matter what decisions you make from time to time. They might not encourage you but they are there for you.

 

Having said all this i wouldnt encourage contacting the BW.

[turnera]

I'd rather go through that than wind up with herpes, HPV, or HIV.

I think we misconnected. I meant that the BS needs to know the truth so she'll know she's not going crazy. The WS always gaslights the BS to make her/him think she's imagining things. So she starts to think SHE has done something wrong, to make her husband no longer interested in her. Knowing the truth allows her to realize that the AFFAIR is causing her husband to distance himself, not HER.

[jnj express]

Hey janet-----there is one reason, and one reason only to "out" her H.

 

His wife is entitled to liver her life, knowing the TRUTH---she is entitled to make decisions about her future, with full knowledge of all the facts that come into play in her life.

 

She is missing a major fact----she has a cheater for a H.

 

I won't even bother with my opinion of the why's of your situation---but his wife is entitled to know. How you do it is up to you, and you need to make sure you get the info. past her cheating H.

 

Also as to your NC, statement---NC is NC even in an emergency----THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE INVOLVED IN HIS LIFE IN ANY, WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, and that includes EMERGENCIES. If you saw him involved in a life threatening accident, anonymously call 911, and move on. If you are out of his life--STAY OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!.

[Dexter Morgan]

What a world class pig. That's patently disgusting.

 

she knew this world class pig was married.

[PlanetJanet]

Well for what it's worth I decided not to contact the BS.

 

I thought long and hard about what all of you said, as well as my own motivations. Realized that contacting the BS was my insane, misdirected attempt to keep contact with MM. After all I'd be sure to hear from him if she found out about the A, right?

 

I know now that there is no reason to do it. I could bring unexpected and serious consequences upon myself. The karma is bad. I could jeopardize mine or my kids' safety. Tear apart his household, which includes a child. Telling wouldn't make anyone's life "better." In fact it makes everyone's life worse. Even when I imagined what it would be like to rat him out, all I felt was discomfort. No satisfaction, no anger, nothing but a queasy feeling.

 

Besides, I think the BS knows what kind of person she is married to. She suspected him all along and asked about me a few times. Quizzed him about the phone bill or our relationship, checked his phone for texts and calls. He evaded her questions. She had ample ways to contact me but never did, so maybe she does not want to know the truth. Or she knows enough truth - her spouse is at minimum a liar and as far as she can tell, a cheater.

 

So thank all of you. It has taken some time but I am getting back to reality and wondering why the *H* I even got involved with him. It was my first, and last, A.

[silktricks]

I'd rather go through that than wind up with herpes, HPV, or HIV.

It's after the fact now. If you're going to get one of those things - then you're already there. If you've got it, you've got it, and unless you've been unfaithful as well, then you'll know d*mn well where and how you got it. The only thing left to do at that point is take the medicine and get rid of the b*stard who gave it to you .

[imagine]

PlanetJanet,

 

I believe that it is the wayward spouses duty to describe their wayward behaviour. The deception happened in two ways: His deception of his wife and children and your disregard of the institution of marriage.

 

Ideally, he needs to inform his wife. Use an intermediary to suggest that he expose the affair. Sorry its NC with him for life. You need to have communication on the affair should she knock on your door. Know the reason for an apology.

 

Their marriage is being built on a lie. He knows that he can get away with deception. Who knows what lady will fill your shoes the next time.

[PlanetJanet]

This is just all well, so nice! It sounds like you're well on your way to healing.

 

fBS here...I never spoke to my H's xOW and she never made any contact with me either. It's just as well, I think. I've always felt like for some weird reason, she and I are never to meet beyond the one time she and I met before the A. It's like it would be against the laws of the universe or something.

 

My questions were for my H, not the OW.

 

Anyway, I don't think it would do a lot of good to talk to her...for either her or you. What do you want to know from the BW...you said you wanted the truth. I think it would be more likely that she would want the truth from you, especially if her H was being less than honest.

 

I am on my way to healing, but I go through these phases. Sometimes I am happy he's gone, I am on to other things and relishing the quiet that came, along with his absence.

 

Right now I am in what i consider a frustrating and useless phase, where I miss my MM and wonder how he is, wonder how he was able to go NC with such ease, why doesn't he miss me, how was he able to just drop me like he did? Times like this I am unable to focus at work, I spend too much of my free time thinking about the situation, I get down, and sleepy and crabby. Hate it.

 

I did meet the BS one time, when he brought her to work for an event. She was cold to me although I get the impression from other people who know her that she is a cold person on a lot of levels. But in spite of that I think I would like her, we have similar senses of humor and interests, she seems like someone i would like if we had met as friends.

 

What would I want to know from her? I'd want to tell her all the things he said, about her and their relationship and his needs, all that crap he laid on me to get what he wanted - and ask if they were true. Ask her if she felt a distance in the marriage, ask her what HE is really like. After all I am sure he was putting on his best face for me.

 

And of course I would answer all of her questions. She must have suspected something was going on. She saw our calls on the phone bills and even asked him outright about his "girlfriend." I am sickened when I think about how he used us to lash out at her, but more bewildered that she would stay with someone who treats her like that.

[spriggig]

...but more bewildered that she would stay with someone who treats her like that.

 

She doesn't want to face reality.

She's doing it for the kids.

She wants to honor her commitment.

She actually loves him, flaws and all.

She'd rather work on the marriage she has than bail and have to start all over with someone who might be as bad or worse, you never know what you're gonna get.

 

All of these and more that only she knows.

 

She is the last person you should be judging.

[MR2U]

what does BS NC stand for?

 

If she goes nuclear on his wife instead of letting their marriage heal what is to keep him from coming back into her life to make havoc later on when she finds someone who will truly commit to her?

 

leave it alone

[spriggig]

what does BS NC stand for?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/