Fighting the urge to reveal all to BS

[PlanetJanet]

Hi everyone, I had an affair with a MM and after a long and circuitous break up, we are now on NC. It was a month of NC on Sunday. The hurt has subsided greatly although there are still twinges of missing him.

 

Ever since we broke it off I have been fighting the urge to reveal our affair to his W. He went back to her obviously, said that he cares for her as a person and their life was great in every way except intimacy. And that got better too. They have a child, he feels obligation and guilt, she came first, these are all the reasons he gave for why he want back.

 

He is the one who initiated NC, he called it "taking a break" although I do not see any reason that the break will end. I enjoy the silence.

 

Anyway so I think about revealing the affair to the BS. The idea nags at me frequently, to the point where I am thinking about "how" to do it. But here is what I think about and I wonder if all you experienced folk could help me.

 

(1) how do you do it? Send a "Dear wife" letter and make it anonymous, or contact her as myself and spill the beans?

 

(2) details - how much detail to reveal? I want to apologize that's for sure. But what else does a BS want to know, or not know?

 

(3) consequences - will she start bugging me, show up at my office, my house? What will this do to her? She already suspects/suspected him.

 

(4) why do I want to do this and why can't I give up the idea? I am concerned about repercussions. I am not interested in drama. But something pushes me to tell her. Part of it is, I went through so much pain when he decided to break it off. And he just went back home and picked up his life like I was never there. I want him to suffer like I did.

 

There is also a part of me that doesn't feel he should be allowed to stay in a relationship that is not honest. He is there and says it's good, but it's all built on a LIE. Yes I know it's none of my business how or why they stay together. But I dislike the fact that he used me to hurt her, and she suspects me, and she does not know the truth. She cannot make an informed decision on whether to stay with him when she does not know the truth.

 

I know his wife suspects me, she has asked about me but he dodges the questions. She checked his phone and texts, goodness knows what else she has asked or done. Of course she also knows my phone number, address and where I work so if she wanted to know answers she certainly knows where to find me.

 

So what should I do? Thanks for your insights

[D-Lish]

Well you say you don't want drama- but if you tell her, drama will ensue.

 

My ExH's OW got my number from my H's cell phone and called me at work and told me she was pregnant with his child. I didn't take it out on her because she lived so far away. Had she been local, I probably would have found out where she lived or worked and done something crazy. Pregnant or not, at the time- I was enraged to find out about her. As ashamed as I am now for feeling the way I did at that time, I wanted to beat the crap out of her. I am glad the distance kept my anger focused on my H when he returned home.

 

You truly can't predict what kind of reaction you will get unfortunately. My only advice is, if you do decide to spill the beans, just be prepared.

I went temporarily insane- even locked my husband in the basement for hours after pelting him with pots and pans as he tried to come up the stairs from the basement.

 

I think she deserves to know though.

[bentnotbroken]

Why is it that during the affair, you didn't want her to know, but now that he's chosen his wife, you've had a crisis of conscience? If you really wanted her to know, why didn't you tell her during the A?

 

My point is, if you are determined to fess up, be very clear why you are doing it. Also be prepared to NOT get the response you were hoping for, whatever that response is.

 

 

While I am one for telling the BS, I too am curious why your lips weren't moving when you were in the middle of her marriage. Now you are a little ticked and you want to inflict some damage. You want to pay him back for what you perceive is an injustice to you. If you give him what you think he deserves...what is it you think you deserve for your part in this little drama? And be very clear drama is what this is and you are about to make it "major". My advice is since you were woman enough to do the deed, be woman enough to go to her face and deal with whatever comes your way. You did go into this with open eyes right? Or are we pleading insanity because of *gasp* Love?

[Davnnic]

I feel the same way....we are NOT in NC, but why do I have that same urge?

[jennie-jennie]

(4) why do I want to do this and why can't I give up the idea? I am concerned about repercussions. I am not interested in drama. But something pushes me to tell her. Part of it is, I went through so much pain when he decided to break it off. And he just went back home and picked up his life like I was never there. I want him to suffer like I did.

 

This I understand.

[jwi71]

This I understand.

 

You changed! Quite the transformation too!

 

Yeah, revenge. Not a good motive - and yes intent matters.

 

Having said that, I will now talk out of the other side of my mouth.

 

Tell.

 

But you can't just say "I am screwing your H". You gotta PROVE it. Undeniable, verifiable proof...otherwise he will just weasel his way out of it....forward emails, txt messages, flowers, cards, gifts, etc to her. Better yet, mail her HIS underwear....

[scatterd]

i am one that knows but has no proof I would want her to admit so I can make the right choseI think you should tell what more can it hurt.

[lilagirl]

i understand that you have suffered. I believe the A will come out when it needs too. I don`t believe its your place. Hopefully he is relishing in his marriage and what he almost lost. Let it go... If he is living happily ever after, good for him and his BS. If he isn`t... he is suffering too... his guilt probably overtaking him at times.

 

My hope for any man or woman who walks back into their M without a Dday is that they find their peace in their M. Otherwise, history repeats itself.

 

don`t do it...

[whichwayisup]

Part of it is, I went through so much pain when he decided to break it off. And he just went back home and picked up his life like I was never there. I want him to suffer like I did

 

There's your reason NOT to tell. It's revenge..You want him to hurt, suffer like you did.

 

Problem is, you knew going in he was married, had children. You chose to be the OW and be in the A with him. No thoughs of telling his wife were on your mind during the A, I'm sure she wasn't a thought in your head. But now that it's over, you feel the urge to tell her? You feel he doesnt' deserve to be married to her? IT isn't up to you! You didn't ask HER permission before having sex with her H.

 

He chose his marriage. He ended the A. He has that right.. He has a right to change his mind! Like it or not, just like a regular relationship, things end. Your A ended and you need to grieve and let go so you can move on. Holding on and being bitter, blaming him, wanting revenge will just hurt YOU most at the end of the day. Those consquences will bite you hard, fill your life with DRAMA. you'll regret it.

 

Stay out of their marriage, out of his life, his wife's life.

 

Heal you and find someone who will love only you.

[bittersweet memories]

i understand that you have suffered. I believe the A will come out when it needs too. I don`t believe its your place. Hopefully he is relishing in his marriage and what he almost lost. Let it go... If he is living happily ever after, good for him and his BS. If he isn`t... he is suffering too... his guilt probably overtaking him at times.

 

My hope for any man or woman who walks back into their M without a Dday is that they find their peace in their M. Otherwise, history repeats itself.

 

don`t do it...

 

I'm with lilagirl don't tell...

 

why now? You seem bitter that he didn't choose you...move on!

[jennie-jennie]

You changed! Quite the transformation too!

 

Thanks, it's my wedding dress. Photo taken in church.

[Trimmer]

There is also a part of me that doesn't feel he should be allowed to stay in a relationship that is not honest. He is there and says it's good, but it's all built on a LIE. Yes I know it's none of my business how or why they stay together. But I dislike the fact that he used me to hurt her, and she suspects me, and she does not know the truth. She cannot make an informed decision on whether to stay with him when she does not know the truth.

Read that as if someone had been telling it to you while you were still in the relationship with him. Would it have made any difference to you then? Because it is a compelling statement of philosophy, and it was just as valid all through the time you were in the relationship, so it's not very credible for you to flip it around to justify your position now...

 

Having said that, kudos to you for having the honesty to realize that a big part of your motivation is that you just want to hurt him.

 

I would suggest that the degree to which his current situation bothers you is representative of the degree to which you still feel connected to him. In order for you to move on and heal, you will need to weaken - and eventually break - that connection. That won't happen by stirring up a hornets' nest, nor by getting everyone to hate everyone else. You will know it is happening when you care less and less about him or her or their life together. That's when you will be free, and able to go on with the opportunity of living your own life.

 

I wonder if a deeper motivation might be that you have suffered a loss, and you are understandably in great pain and anger - maybe rage, even. You may be angry partly at yourself, for having created this situation, but we don't like blaming ourselves, taking full responsibility for pain and loss, so is it possible that you feel an instinct that by distributing this pain and anger - by projecting it onto others - you imagine that your own pain will be diminished in some way? Get rid of some of it, throw it out, just unburden yourself of some of it...

 

In the end, though, you may find that the added drama - the stings you'll inevitably get from the hornets, once they, too, are angered - will only add to your burden, and keep you attached and drawn into that which you need to escape to heal and move on.

 

Disconnect from him, and from your relationship with him. Realize that he doesn't matter. They don't matter. (They do, but your time for showing any care for "them" slipped past; the damage is done and it's their damage now; it's too late for you to care about them now...) Reclaim your life, and don't rely on him for any part of that process. Closure is both a privilege and a burden to achieve on your own, and it will happen not by inserting yourself into their marriage, but by disconnecting completely.

 

When you entered the relationship, you burdened yourself with a disposal problem. It doesn't matter what burdens he does or doesn't have. Your burden is now your own, but that also means it is under your control.

[Hazyhead]

I understand your urge - it's a part of the anger for some I think, which can be a good thing. The anger that is. My advice is that you use this to heal instead of to harm further. I'm with the others that say if you didn't want to tell during the affair then it smacks of vengeance to want to do it now. I'm not denying that the wife has a right to know, or that if I was the BS I would want to know... but to come from you... I don't know. Think about it for a little longer; get to know your real motives; think about the repercussions you could suffer if you do this.

 

I honestly don't think it will help your healing, if that's what you're looking for.

[jwi71]

Thanks, it's my wedding dress. Photo taken in church.

 

Love it.

I'm a traditional kind of white dress guy but that looks good.

[LostMe]

Jeez, no. I agree with what others have said. This smacks of bitterness and revenge. You say you're moving on, just keep going. It's not your place to tell.

 

Look, you don't know that he's not hurting or struggling too, you haven't spoken to him in a month. He may think the same of you. You have no good reason to hurt his family. Put it behind you.

[PlanetJanet]

Just a few things, first of all THANK YOU everyone.

 

When I was involved with the MM he was very torn and pondering a divorce. He said he was unhappy and was giving the marriage a certain amount of time before he made a decision whether to stay or go. He said they were going to "work on it."

 

You will laugh but I actually urged him to go home and give it one last try. That if he didn't he might always wonder if the marriage could have been saved. He waffled for a long time, came back to me, went back to her, over and over. Finally just said he had to stay with her. They did not go to therapy or read any books, didn't see a pastor, didn't do anything other than talk. He said their communication improved greatly and how they are happy. I find it hard to believe that a marriage which had 8 years of coldness was "fixed" by a few conveserations.

 

Then again maybe I am just the naive fool who believes him?

 

Why didn't I tell during the A? Well in part because I thought he was going to leave her and be with me. She would have found out then. And of course because if I told it would have ended everything, immediately and badly.

 

The other reason I feel this way now is that I have since learned that he used the threat of me to hurt her. He used my presence to piss her off or make her anxious. Saying things like: "well if you don't want to xxx then I'll just go hang out with my friend Janet." She asked about me and he'd evade her questions. I think he delighted in feeling like two women wanted him and I think he wanted to keep her on her toes, attentive to him because she felt the threat of competition.

 

I also learned that he decided in late 2009 to end things with me, but he didn't bother to let me know. We used to work together and after he left the job he was busy and didn't have much time to see me. OK I accepted that. But rather than man up and say "Janet I have decided to end things" he said nothing and continued to let me flirt with him and make plans to do things together. We saw each other in public and talked on the phone and he said NOTHING. He had so many chances to tell me he was done. But he didn't and I feel like a humiliated fool. Pursuing someone who had dumped me but not bothered to tell me. THAT makes me very mad.

 

He told me, about 8 weeks ago, that he loves me but he has put "us" on a shelf. He has decided to remain married. He wanted to be "friends" so we could talk and do platonic things together, like have dinner or watch a movie. But that was not going to work so long as he continued to send mixed signals. The night he told me that he still loves me and shelved us and wants to just be friends, we also were intimate. Then he blamed me for seducing him. So much for a clear signal! But I digress.

 

I admit it's hypocritical to want full disclosure now. I admit that much of this is a desire to inflict pain on him and get revenge. I truly want him to feel as bad as I do. He sent me mixed signals for so long, hurt me and strung me along, while he just went home to his marital bed and his marital life and acts like I never existed. It makes me mad and trust me I am kicking myself for ever getting involved in a relationship where i could not be "numero uno." Although for a while he treated me like numero uno and was making plans to divorce and pursue a life with me.

 

I am sorry I did it. I want her to know that. And, I want her to know (if she doesn't already) what a piece of work she is married to. I want her to get angry at him and throw him out on his backside so he can go live with his parents. Or if she keeps him I want his life to be miserable. I have tons of proof - emails, texts, receipts, cards, even voicemails. And I want her side of the story - I want to know if he was just lying to me, what their life was really like, etc. I have this crazy fantasy that she and I could compare notes and learn together what a lying sack he truly is.

 

My therapist even suggested I befriend her. Not sure that would work but it is a funny idea.

 

Still not sure if I will reveal, but if I do - is it better to just drop an anonymous hint her way, or openly reveal myself and all the gory details?

 

Thank you again

[Mimolicious]

Anger- breaking his car window in a rage.

Evilness- If I can't have him neither should his W.

 

Whoa! You dont want "drama" but you are a third-party in an A?Interesting.

 

I think you are pissed the fack off that he treated you as a disposable object and now you want to retaliate by ruining his REALITY. He is married and you knew this. You have the right to choose who you can be in a relationship with but you dont have the right to end relationships for others. (contradicting given that you were willing to be his mistress)

 

I mean, are you going to sleep better at night once you tell her?

Where you this considerate towards his W when he was hitting it from behind?

 

Get over it! Keep your peace of mind and dignity while you can, and keep it moving.

 

People create their own misery.

[rewe4reel]

Janet,

 

How do you make decisions?

 

You've stated that you want to go "NC" with the MM.

 

For that decision to be meaningful, you have to be "NC" with his BS as well. That means you don't contact her at all. I appreciate others saying she has a right to know. Nevertheless you have made a decision to stay out of the MM's life by "NC", and that means you must also stay out of his wife's life as well.

 

Telling the BS about the affair, at this point, would inevitably result in breaking "NC" with the MM, or the equivalent of breaking "NC" in that you would be re-involved in his life.

 

The real question you need to answer is not whether or not you should tell the BS; it is why you want to re-initiate contact with the MM.

 

At this point, for your own sake, "NC" is the best way to go.

 

Don't contact the MM, don't contact the BS.

 

It is time to move on.

[rewe4reel]

I admit that much of this is a desire to inflict pain on him and get revenge. I truly want him to feel as bad as I do. He sent me mixed signals for so long, hurt me and strung me along, while he just went home to his marital bed and his marital life and acts like I never existed.

 

Do people who truly love each other behave this way to each other?

 

Janet, the answer is "No."

 

Your affair was not about love.

 

The sooner you leave this all behind you, the sooner you can start trying to get healthy.

 

Maintain "NC" with MM and his wife.

 

Move on.

[Mimolicious]

Word of advice: Look for another therapist.

 

Your theparist suggested you befriend her??? For what? To compare notes? And what makes you think that his W will be so "friendly" and wants to sit at the nearest Starbucks and "compare notes" with her H's OW?

 

Honey, I think this loser lied to you. Why do you want to waste your energy and put so much of your time, and focus wanting things for another woman (that by the way didnt invite you into her life). You see how many times you wrote "I want her to" in your last post???

 

You are going to get back exactly waht you are putting out. Anger, hate, bitterness and drama. Dont expect a hug or a purple star from his W.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi everyone, I had an affair with a MM and after a long and circuitous break up, we are now on NC. It was a month of NC on Sunday. The hurt has subsided greatly although there are still twinges of missing him.

 

Ever since we broke it off I have been fighting the urge to reveal our affair to his W.

 

I believe the BS has a right to know....but funny how you more than likely didn't want to say anything to the BS when you were sleeping with her husband....but now all of a sudden that you are scorned you want to sing like a canary..

 

but go ahead and do it. even though it is ridiculous for you now need to rat him out, she deserves to know what an ahole she is married to.

[bentnotbroken]

:lmao:You are pissed he didn't have the nerve to tell you it was over and you feel humiliated. This is funny/sad. What makes you think that the man who didn't have the balls to be honest with his wife would be anymore honest with you. When you are with a married person, by definition they are lying and deceiving. It is a component of cheating. You say you feel humiliated by continuing to pursue him and he had ended....well is that really his fault or is it yours for pursuing a known liar and cheat? That's like knowing you are dating a embezzler and then getting pissed when he steals from you. You can't have it both ways. You are 100% responsible for your own behavior. You wanted to be lied to and you gave him the opportunity to do so.

[jwi71]

You will laugh but I actually urged him to go home and give it one last try. That if he didn't he might always wonder if the marriage could have been saved. He waffled for a long time, came back to me, went back to her, over and over. Finally just said he had to stay with her. They did not go to therapy or read any books, didn't see a pastor, didn't do anything other than talk. He said their communication improved greatly and how they are happy. I find it hard to believe that a marriage which had 8 years of coldness was "fixed" by a few conveserations.

 

You already know the answer - he was lying to you.

 

Then again maybe I am just the naive fool who believes him?

Yes, that's the most likely case.

 

The other reason I feel this way now is that I have since learned that he used the threat of me to hurt her. He used my presence to piss her off or make her anxious. Saying things like: "well if you don't want to xxx then I'll just go hang out with my friend Janet." She asked about me and he'd evade her questions. I think he delighted in feeling like two women wanted him and I think he wanted to keep her on her toes, attentive to him because she felt the threat of competition.

You wanted a - and I use the term loosely - "man" who treats people like this? He sounds cruel and manipulative at best.

 

What a world class pig. That's patently disgusting.

 

I also learned that he decided in late 2009 to end things with me, but he didn't bother to let me know. We used to work together and after he left the job he was busy and didn't have much time to see me. OK I accepted that. But rather than man up and say "Janet I have decided to end things" he said nothing and continued to let me flirt with him and make plans to do things together. We saw each other in public and talked on the phone and he said NOTHING. He had so many chances to tell me he was done. But he didn't and I feel like a humiliated fool. Pursuing someone who had dumped me but not bothered to tell me. THAT makes me very mad.

Well, from a marital recovery perspective (or an OW/OM healing perspective)...the AP (affair partner) doesn't deserve the message imo. I advise both sides to simply go NC (no contact) and move on. So I don't have a problem with this behavior.

I admit it's hypocritical to want full disclosure now. I admit that much of this is a desire to inflict pain on him and get revenge. I truly want him to feel as bad as I do. He sent me mixed signals for so long, hurt me and strung me along, while he just went home to his marital bed and his marital life and acts like I never existed. It makes me mad and trust me I am kicking myself for ever getting involved in a relationship where i could not be "numero uno." Although for a while he treated me like numero uno and was making plans to divorce and pursue a life with me.

As gently as I can...you chose this.

And yes, it means he goes home to his "happy" life and you do not. Someone always ends jilted and this time its you. If its any comfort, its almost always the OW he ends up "in the cold" so to speak. It really has NOTHING to do with you or who you are. Its all about HIM.

 

I am sorry I did it. I want her to know that. And, I want her to know (if she doesn't already) what a piece of work she is married to. I want her to get angry at him and throw him out on his backside so he can go live with his parents. Or if she keeps him I want his life to be miserable. I have tons of proof - emails, texts, receipts, cards, even voicemails. And I want her side of the story - I want to know if he was just lying to me, what their life was really like, etc. I have this crazy fantasy that she and I could compare notes and learn together what a lying sack he truly is

I would simply bundle up all that proof and FedEx it to her.

She will NEVER be your friend. You will always be, to her, that wh0re. I'm not saying you are - I want you to get a sense of her reaction - because being her friend is not just a fantasy - its nuts. She will HATE you.

You will have done her the greatest favor of her life - but she'll never thank you for it or even realize it.

 

And this will clearly hurt the MM.

 

It will also end his "lets keep having an A messages".

 

My therapist even suggested I befriend her. Not sure that would work but it is a funny idea.

Your therapist is nuts. Get another.

 

Still not sure if I will reveal, but if I do - is it better to just drop an anonymous hint her way, or openly reveal myself and all the gory details?

You drop a hint and he lies his way out of it.

Gotta prove it.

 

She DOES deserve to know that her life is a sham. She DESERVES the knowledge to make her own life decisions. Make no mistake...you will be painted as the trampy seductress though.

 

You won't be anyone's friend in that household.

[nadiaj2727]

I think your therapist is whack for telling you to befriend her. That would definitely create drama and never allow you to move on from this.

 

I don't know if my experience will help you at all, because in some ways it is different from yours but in some ways it is the same, but here it is. I was OW, I worked with MM and later with his BS as well (very messy and dramatic situation, definitely). I broke off the A and a very long and drawn-out drama with xMM ensued, to the point that the only way I could get away from it all was to change employment, so I did. His BS was very nice to me and would give me advice about the new job, etc... it was very, very awkward and I always felt guilty and I would never ever suggest you befriending the BS if you truly don't want drama.

 

I did think many times about telling her. I never did but I still wonder whether that was the best decision. For ME, not telling her was best... I could move on unscathed, no one professionally had to know, I am free of that drama forever. But for HER, I don't know, I am completely over being a OW, I will never ever do anything like that again, I think it was the worst decision I ever made... and even though my xMM was a real whackjob it takes two to tango and I don't wish him harm, I feel like "ewww" when I think of what we did but if you stopped me on the street and asked me I would say it is in the past, I am so glad it's there, and I wish him only the best. So at this point I am not coming at it with anger or any motivation for revenge... I guess my only emotion would be lingering guilt and being upset with myself for ever doing that, so I feel bad for his wife and I feel like she should know. If there's one thing I learned it's that honesty is always the best policy and the truth will set you free. So part of me wishes I had told her because I knew and she didn't and I feel like that's unfair, that she has the right to know and make her own decisions.

 

But. I know she suspected, if not of me than of someone... I mean, he moved out of their house and was threatening divorce, hello, something's up. So part of me feels bad that she was in the dark and probably was wondering if she was going crazy. But part of me is like, come on, if she wanted to know, she would find out... I know I am not her but I would do anything possible to find out for sure, so I think maybe she didn't want to know, and who am I to tell her if that's what she wants. I was engaged at the time and my fiance found out by being investigative and so if he could do it, she could do it too. I also think xMM has done this before and is probably still doing it. For that I felt like a fool because I thought it was happy-ever-after and all that, but, whatever, now I realize I was really unwise and this guy was good at doing this. My therapist at the time told me that if the wife doesn't know it's because she doesn't want to know, or already knows and just lives with it, and at the time in my guilt I thought my therapist was just assuming things, but now with time and perspective I realize she is right, there are definitely ways that xMM's BS could have found out if she wanted to, and for all I know she did, and who am I to decide her fate and her choices and what she wants to know and what she doesn't.

 

So... I didn't tell her but that is the thing that still lingers for me, I feel like in the end I did everything right (after doing so many things oh so wrong) except that I am just not sure about that. Sometimes I think, if I'm unsure of what to do it's better to take no action than the wrong action, especially because I doubted my judgment after doing things that hurt so many people, including myself. I didn't want to hurt her even more and add that on to the list of regrets, you know?

 

Obviously I don't have an answer for you but that is my experience and those are my thoughts. I would say do whatever it takes to heal and move on from this, and in my opinion I think telling her would just bring on more drama and hold you back in this ugly place you don't want to be in anymore. If she suspects and contacts you then IMO you need to tell her, she deserves to know the truth. But if there's a chance she wouldn't want to hear it from you then don't do it because you might regret that like everything else (if you regret the rest or eventually regret the rest).

 

I hope I've been of some help, good luck and I wish you a speedy recovery because I know it is really a very hard process to go through. Hugs.

[Mimolicious]

Janet- send $30 co-pay pronto to blindsideagainalive.

 

WHAT WILL YOU DO IF OM CALLS AND TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU AND IS GETTING A DIVORCE?

 

But let's remove the "divorce" part.