PlumPudding Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Hey, I really need some advice. First off, this is my first relationship, so I really don't know how "relationships" go or whatever so I may be missing something but I'm not sure. We met in college and are 19. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. We were friends for a couple months before that, and I was totally oblivious that he liked me. Up until about a month ago, he was always this sweet, caring guy. We were also friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend and that was important to both of us. But lately his behavior has been worrying me. One thing that has bothered me is that --and this started about a month before summer break began-- he really won't kiss me. I mean, he'll peck me on the cheek or the lips, but he won't actually give me a kiss. Usually he initiated, so I gave it a try, thinking maybe he wanted to see if I wanted to kiss him, so I kissed him and he kissed once and then turned away with a cheery "Goodnight!" I've looked around at people with similar problems and one thing people say is that he could be thinking that kissing is just a way to get into sex and he wants to skip that part, but the thing is we haven't had sex yet. I am a virgin and said I would like to save myself for marriage and although he thought it was a little silly he said he would definitely respect my wishes and not ever think less of me. And also he's the kind of guy who'd only want sex maybe once or twice a month (don't say anything bad about this, I'm only telling for perspective) so I'm not all sure it's for this reason he's not kissing me. Another thing is that ever since summer started, he won't really talk to me. Maybe every other day he just asks me how I am but if I want to have a conversation, he just answers in one-word sentences and takes a while to reply back. If I ever ask how his day was going he would just answer "fine. " and leave it at that. I'm confused as to why he's acting like this. He is in a band, and is gigging this summer. I designed some logos for them, and wanted to find out where their gigs were but whenever I asked about where they were playing he just answered where they were going the whole summer and avoided my direct questions. Whenever I talk about the band he seems to shrug me off. It hurts because I'd really like to support him in this. (I'm also a composer and have a band so I understand it does take a lot of time, but not enough to totally ignore everyone else who's not in it . . .) I've asked him if maybe he's losing interest in me and he said "nope." The thing is, he's VERY blunt and open with things like this, though. Most of his relationships lasted a month; I'm the longest besides one other person. He said if he ever got sick of me, he'd just tell me and move on, so this only makes me more confused. And (oh my gosh I'm sorry for the extremely long-winded post!!) someone told me maybe he isn't that kind of guy who dedicates himself to relationships but that also is confusing. Because he has mentioned marriage to me several times and has seemed WAY more serious about the relationship than even I have been at times. I'm just super confused as to what's going on now. As I said, it could be that nothing's wrong and this is just a part of things but I don't know as it's my first relationship and I'm so ashamed of worrying about a boy this much. I've always been independent and so this embarrasses me a lot . . .
brainygirl Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Sounds like he is loosing interest but doesn't want to be the one to end things. This is typical chicken ***** behavior you see in young dweebs. Move along.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I would look at this website because he sounds like a possible commitment-phobe http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html If you don't think he is then maybe he is slowly trying to back off until you get so annoyed you break up with him so he can be single this summer while he is touring. He may just be too scared to tell you this, and is using his actions to cause you to end it first. Also, if it is because he is tired of waiting for you to lose your virginity don't do it just to keep him! He is not worth it! If he really loves you he will wait! From his actions he sounds like he is just playing games with you...don't fall for it! Good Luck!!! <3
redmelon Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 he won't kiss you or talk to you or tell you where his band is playing? Are you sure he knows you are his GF? This sounds like he barely considers you a friend!
Author PlumPudding Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Sounds like he is loosing interest but doesn't want to be the one to end things. This is typical chicken ***** behavior you see in young dweebs. Move along. I can see how he's losing interest but he seems like such a wise and mature person and he's so boldly honest; I don't know why he wouldn't have ended it already if he thought this way . . . Just seems unlike his character . . . then again all this seems unlike him, too.
Author PlumPudding Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I would look at this website because he sounds like a possible commitment-phobe http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html Hmm! This kind of sounds exactly like him.
BobSacamento Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 IDK...anytime I kiss a woman there is a little piece of me that hopes it will lead to something else. I think it's called my manhood.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Even though ur bf may seem very outspoken and honest, it is NEVER easy to break someones heart! He may be too afraid to hurt you, or may not know what to say. If you honestly believe your bf is a commitment phobe, then it is time to move on. Take it from someone who just got their heart broken by one! As hard as it may be to move on, imagine how much harder it will be the day he leaves... protect your heart and do what is best for you! Best of luck <3
Sivok Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Yeah.. The first thing that goes on my end when I start losing interest is the frequency of contact. We used to text multiple times a day, then I'd take a long time to respond back with fairly brief responses. This usually happens when I feel like I'm sort of communicating almost against my will until I figure out what I want to do. It's also a way to ease things apart to soften the upcoming blow . I am never, ever 'too busy' to at the very least text here and there. Dont buy that excuse if he ever makes it
Author PlumPudding Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Thanks BetterOffWithoutYou and Sivok. He's such a great guy, though; I don't want to dump him if I don't know for sure. I know it's conflicting, but I love the person he is, even if I don't like the way he's been treating me. I'm probably falling into a trap . . . By the way, sometimes--like maybe twice in the past 3 weeks he's suddenly popped up with a text; it's not like a sweet/lovey-dovey message, but it's acting as if he hadn't been distant at all and we're still close. Is this normal with commitment phobes too? It's all confusing! I'm scared to talk to him about it if I might be nagging since I brought up a little of what he was doing in the past month to him before summer break began.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 It all comes down to this simple fact, you don't DESERVE to be treated this way. What I would suggest is that you ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this behavior, if you are deserve to be treated this way, if you are getting your needs met in this relationship, and if you are happy with the relationship. My guess is that you will answer no to all of these. No matter how much you love your bf, you need to love yourself first. If this situation is causing you such pain, confusion, and even embarrassment, why are you staying? I know this is your first relationship but your bf is NOT acting the way a man who is in love and happy acts. He is putting himself first and has no problem pushing you aside and hurting you. A person who loves you wouldn't do this. I am going to let you in on the best piece of advice about men (and people in general): ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. It doesn't matter what he says to you, it matters how he acts towards you!!!!!!! I know this must be incredibly hard since he is your first love, but take this experience as a lesson in your self worth. You deserve someone who will be there for you 100% and be happy to be by your side no matter what life brings. You will find it one day, but honestly your bf doesn't sound like he is the type of man you deserve...... try to figure out what it is you want out of a partner and don't settle for less, no matter how much you may love him.
Author PlumPudding Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 So I finally was talking to him tonight about all this. I know actions mean more than words and all, but I just needed to know a little bit of what he felt. He said it's just how he is in relationships. And that he has no intention of breaking up with me anytime soon. I guess I will just have to give some serious thought about everything, and yeah, like you said, think if this is what I really deserve. It's going to be very hard, but I do have to put myself before some things. I'm going to try and find out what I really want and what I want to deal with. Thanks for your advice. I'll see what happens . . . It's just he seemed so sweet at first, but I guess I'm just not that big a priority to him.
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