stace79 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 How about just acknowledging that your bf is handling this more maturely than 99% of men his age and just letting him handle it. It seems to me the issue that makes you upset is when you snoop in his things. Don't you think he has reason to be upset with your invasion of his privacy? He isn't handling it well. He should choose his girlfriend over ANY female friend. She feels a need to snoop because his behavior doesn't align with making her number one in his life. He's made another woman number one by refusing to cut ties for his girlfriend.
Krytie TV Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry but I cant find the statement where he is choosing his ex. Can you quote it for me?
stace79 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry but I cant find the statement where he is choosing his ex. Can you quote it for me? He is choosing the friendship with his ex over his current girlfriend's feelings. He's choosing his own frivolous wants over what's best for his relationship. Anyone who can't see that is clearly too selfish and not ready for a committed relationship. This is why we have so many divorces nowadays. Too much focus on what "I" want - the individual -- over what the relationship -- a couple and TEAM -- needs.
Ilovehim Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Not to be rude but I always wondered why people put up with so much BS... Why are you even invloved with someone who still keeps in contact with his ex of 10 years? EX=PAST=BYE It does not equal "Let's be friends because we still have something for each other deep down but will cover it up with fakeness of "friendship" I'm sorry but even if feelings are 100% gone, you are not supposed to keep in contact with ex'es. It's called a break-up. Relationships dont work for a reason and no, you can't be friends afterwards. Also her behavior is disgusting. Ew! Why would you comment on your ex's photos knowing damn well he's with someone else & then acting so disrespctful towards his relationship? And why doesn't he cut her off when he sees that she still loves him? Edited May 28, 2010 by Ilovehim
Krytie TV Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry, I didn't realize this was a "tie your bf to a chair so he can't communicate with any women from his past" thread. I retract all statements. Continue the controlling...
stace79 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Sorry, I didn't realize this was a "tie your bf to a chair so he can't communicate with any women from his past" thread. I retract all statements. Continue the controlling... That's not what I'm saying at all. My SO has female friends. He talks to females if he's out with his friends. He does NOT in any way have contact with a particular ex-girlfriend who caused many issues in our relationship. At one point, I determined I couldn't be happy in the relationship if he was still in contact with her. That's just me. So I broke it off. He determined that being with me was far more important than talking to that ex once in awhile, so he willingly agreed to cease their friendship. At the same time, he still communicates with a couple other exes via Facebook or e-mails once in awhile, but none of those girls was ever trying to manipulate him or interfere in our relationship. Both parties in a relationship have to determine what they can and cannot accept from their SO. You then determine if each of you can mesh well based on those needs. If you can't, you break up. But no girl should have to live a life of insecurity or feeling unimportant because her boyfriend can't cut ties with an ex who is obviously far too involved. *Addition: Further, I don't tell my SO who he can and cannot befriend. I told him that specific girl made me insecure and unhappy. He was understanding and empathetic and willing to meet my needs. However, if I told him I was insecure about him meeting or befriending any woman, then he would realize we just aren't a good match because he wants to be able to have friends and a life outside our relationship. Edited May 28, 2010 by stace79 Addition
ADF Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 stillafool - Thank you for your response. I can't tell him any of this because he dosen't know that I know about her behavior. I only know about her getting mad about me being around during Xmas, and all the strong feelings she has about him by going through his email. He maintains they have an innocent friendship, and he sees nothing wrong with her sending gifts to the house. He has told me nothing about her feelings toward him, just that he is not in love with her anymore and that he is glad they broke up. It's really a mystery to me why he needs to speak to her, maybe it's an ego thing? Tell him you spied on him, that you went through his email without his permission. If he has any self-respect at all, he'll dump you for disrespecting him that way. Problem solved.
Krytie TV Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 At the same time, he still communicates with a couple other exes via Facebook or e-mails once in awhile, but none of those girls was ever trying to manipulate him or interfere in our relationship. But I don't get it. You haven't said what he has done to make you think he is being manipulated. He told you the story. She invited him and he chose to take you too. I'm just not seeing anything that he has done that makes you think he is weak in the knees for this ex. What I am seeing, however, is an incredibly jealous girlfriend who decided to snoop through his private affairs. ALL of the emails supported that he is with YOU. Yet, you still have these rules about her and lose sleep at night. Given this story, he is the one that should be mad at you for deciding to snoop on a completely faithful bf that gave you NO reason to not trust him. You should feel silly, in my book.
stace79 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 But I don't get it. You haven't said what he has done to make you think he is being manipulated. He told you the story. She invited him and he chose to take you too. I'm just not seeing anything that he has done that makes you think he is weak in the knees for this ex. What I am seeing, however, is an incredibly jealous girlfriend who decided to snoop through his private affairs. ALL of the emails supported that he is with YOU. Yet, you still have these rules about her and lose sleep at night. Given this story, he is the one that should be mad at you for deciding to snoop on a completely faithful bf that gave you NO reason to not trust him. You should feel silly, in my book. First off, I'm not the OP -- just giving you my perspective, which is similar. Second, if you're committed and love someone else fully, there are times when that person might be bothered by something that you think is unreasonable. A sign of real love is sacrificing something for that person -- be it a gambling habit or drinking too much or swearing too much or a female friend/ex who makes your new love uncomfortable. Whether it's rational or not, this ex bothers the OP. Her boyfriend should either cease that friendship, thereby demonstrating that his priorities and concern lie with his current love, or he should tell her he will not. It then lies on the OP to decide if she's willing to accept that or not. In my case, I was not willing to accept my bf being in contact with his ex.
Author jaxie Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 It's getting heavy in here! Thanks for the comments everyone, once again. Like I said, only time will tell, I am willing to wait a bit. My bf has not given any indication of physical cheating, and I am not worried about that. However, I am very uncomfortable with this girl, he should understand that (he dosen't) ,and it's unfortunate that I didn't know the extent of their friendship and closeness before I quit my job and life and moved to a new state with him. If I knew all this, I would have waited a loooong time. As for snooping, I am really glad I did. It opened up the conversation about her instead of his usual "we're just friends, ONLY friends, nothing else, conversation is over" speech. If I am going to be with this guy, I need to know he is being honest with me, and although he hasn't been dishonest, he has not been forthcoming either. I think this is a path no one should go down. Contact with exes, especially ones such as this, is inappropriate, selfish and guaranteed to make at least one very unhappy person.
Krytie TV Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I think this is a path no one should go down. Contact with exes, especially ones such as this, is inappropriate, selfish and guaranteed to make at least one very unhappy person. It's tough. I get the impression they were talking before he met you yes? It's not like you moved to him and then he started talking to her?
Author jaxie Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Krytie TV - Yes, they have been talking for 8 years..When he first told me he was friends with his ex, I thought that it was alright, and kinda refreshing that exes could remain friends after a breakup. I was under the impression she had a bf and was not interested in him anymore. But then I learned this whole back story later after I moved in with him. It isn't just a simple friendship in which both parties have moved on. The little things she has done have annoyed me to say the least. Drew dosen't see that her question of whether she should nix the idea of him is completely abnormal for friends to say, and it makes me wonder what he is doing, therefore eroding my trust in him. I am starting to guess that maybe he dosen't understand what is normal, and since his last gf was fine with this crap, he dosen't see why I wouldn't be ok with it. Anyway, thanks for reading. It feels good to vent!
pigeonsid Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Sorry for reviving an older conversation - not even sure if you're still around Jaxie! - but I came here trying to just meditate on my own abandonment issues and your situation really resonated with me. I have similar issues with my boyfriend's ex - she doesn't play such a large role in his life, but they are still in contact, and it bothers me. Anyway, I know that in my case, the jealousy I experience is related to severe abandonment issues - this is my trigger point, and has nothing really to do with my boyfriend's behaviour. But what I found at the beginning of our relationship was that he has his own issues related to control - he doesn't like to feel that someone is trying to control him. So, when I wanted him to cease contact with his ex and basically change his behaviour to show that he was more committed to me, he interpreted that as controlling behaviour and refused on principle. Of course, at the time, I saw that as him still harbouring feelings for his ex. It took us several months to sort all of this out - in fact, it was only after a particularly big fight where I nearly broke up with him, that he finally realised how big an issue it was for me. And then he did change his behaviour and start listening to me. In the end, it came down to him being in love with me, not his ex, and realising what his priorities really were. I still have issues (which is why I've been lurking and just reading other people's stories about how they struggle with the ex factor). I know that my boyfriend is still in touch with his ex, but he assures me it's all very cursory, work-related stuff. I know that she attempted to keep socialising with him and wanted to still be friends, but I also know that my boyfriend has been discouraging her and trying to re-draw some boundary between them. I guess I just read this thread and sort of understood where you both were coming from. I think you need to have a really serious conversation with your boyfriend and make him understand where your feelings are coming from. What I found was that my boyfriend would get really defensive because he thought I was accusing him of cheating - for him it was a trust issue, and then he would get mad at me for that. And of course, when he got angry, I would then feel that he must still have feelings for his ex or that he was getting really emotional at the thought of ceasing contact with her. (When really, he was getting emotional because of me and our relationship.) When, eventually, he could see that I was just insecure and afraid that he'd want to leave me (something that I think never crosses his mind), he was much more open to changing his behaviour so that I wouldn't feel that way. It all comes down to miscommunication and misinterpretation - once you get to know each other better and understand what's really happening below the surface, then these issues disappear. Well, they disappear from the relationship - I feel our relationship is very solid. I still struggle personally with my own insecurities, but at least now I know that it's a very irrational thought process going through my head and I can sort of contain it, instead of taking it all out on him. Anyway, just thought I'd share in case this helps! Sorry for hijacking your thread like this. But your boyfriend sounds a bit like mine - a nice guy, who might not be aware of how much his behaviour hurts you because he wouldn't be bothered if you did the same thing to him. My boyfriend is very stable - he knows what he wants, he trusts me completely - and therefore he didn't understand how I could be so threatened by his ex. Once I got him to understand why I react this way, then he was more willing to change his behaviour so that it wouldn't trigger me.
Recommended Posts