His ex is still in love with him

[jaxie]

Hi, I am dealing with something that unfortunately many people seem to be dealing with. I was just hoping someone has some feedback. I started dating this guy, Drew, a year ago.

 

WELL, I moved in with him, things just seemed to be going incredibly well and he was exactly the person I was looking for. Then I found out the whole story with his ex (I knew very little). They had dated 10 years prior, and were engaged. After they broke up they remained friends over the years. Two years ago, she slept with a married man, had his baby, and is now a single mom.

 

Months went by, she would comment on his facebook photos about how great he looked in them, and she sent him a Christmas card, not addressed to me (she knew I was living with him) that said "Can't wait for you to see my baby again". She sent him xmas gifts - a dvd and mix cd. They wanted to get together with mutual friends over xmas, and Drew invited me to go, I was hesitant at first then decided to go. Greta didn't show up.

 

I have been pissed about this situation, and although I am not proud of it, I looked through his emails with her. She wanted Drew to be the godfather of her child (he didn't agree to it), bitched him out about not getting her an xmas gift, was mad that he was bringing me to the meeting at Xmas since she didnt want "strangers" around her family, and recently told Drew she was thinking of dating a guy she met online since she felt that Drew could never fully love her illegitimate bastard son. (not in exact words) She also said it was weird that it has been 10 years and that they have been working on being friends, but she always felt that it was more!!

 

Drew responded somewhat graciously by saying he was fine with her going out with someone else, and it would be healthy for her new relationship if he were her number two.

 

So...should I be making a big deal about this girl or just trust that Drew will not get with her? He knows it upsets me quite a bit but has assured me that he will never give up her friendship, but it bothers me that he won't even tell her to back off. Why would he need her in the picture?

[stillafool]

I think if there relationship makes you uncomfortable you should tell him to cease all contact with her. Who is she anyway but an ex from 10 years ago. Tell him it is clear to you that she wants him back or she wouldn't get angry because he was bringing his gf to a Christmas celebration. Holidays are to spend with people you love, why would he leave you home? Tell him they can never really be friends because she wants more and will not accept you. If I were you I would "nip this in the bud" before it becomes a major problem.

[jaxie]

stillafool - Thank you for your response. I can't tell him any of this because he dosen't know that I know about her behavior. I only know about her getting mad about me being around during Xmas, and all the strong feelings she has about him by going through his email. He maintains they have an innocent friendship, and he sees nothing wrong with her sending gifts to the house. He has told me nothing about her feelings toward him, just that he is not in love with her anymore and that he is glad they broke up. It's really a mystery to me why he needs to speak to her, maybe it's an ego thing?

[stillafool]

The next time he brings her up (no matter what it is) tell him, "I think she still has feelings for you and I don't feel comfortable with your relationship." If he asks why tell him it has never left your mind about the Christmas party and her not wanting you to be there and that is a sign she still has feeling for him. Tell him you aren't friends with any of your exes as you don't feel it is appropriate. If he gives you more mouth ask him "why is it important to you to remain friends with her when it makes me uncomfortable?"

[jaxie]

Thanks stillafool. It's kind of beyond that stage, the last time I told him to stop talking to her he left the room. I think I am going to resort to either telling him I am going to look for my own guy best friend (like the hot fireman who asked me out for coffee the other day ) OR just be straight with him and show him the email that says she has felt like it was more than friends with him for the past 10 years. He has always maintained that they were JUST FRIENDS so I feel like he lied to me.

[phineas]

The e-mails clearly show your guy is just not interested.

He brought YOU along to the party when she didn't want you around.

He declined being her kids godson.

 

If he wanted to get with her those would be good opportunities to get with her.

 

They do have mutual friends.

 

Sounds to me that he's damned if he does & damned if he don't when it comes to ignoring her unless I missed something.

 

He would have to listen to his mutual friends after she went on the drama queen warpath about how you are a controlling bitch who won't let them be friends.

 

Or, he has to listen to you complain about how she's a total bitch that wants to take him from you.

 

honestly as a guy I wouldn't want to deal with that from either side.

I personally would of lost this chicks number, email ect & had nothing else to do with her. but i'm a dick.

 

your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy trying not to rock the boat.

 

Eventually, this chick will cross the line in a way so that your boyfriend can justify cutting her from his life to their mutual friends.

 

Honnestly, she wants him NOW. If he was going to leave you for her he would of done it allready.

 

Unless you are leaving things out it doesn't sound like he's interested at all.

She's having some married guys baby for chrisakes. total train wreck.

[Mimolicious]

State your grounds and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't comply... then he can keep his friend because obviously he doesn't care about your feelings.

 

But you must tell him exactly how you feel first, or else how would he know he is screwing it up?!

 

good luck!

[Crazy Magnet]

These types of women seem to self destruct eventually on their own. Clearly she's got some issues. It doesn't sound like he's interested in her from what you have described but that he's a nice guy who just doesn't want to be a total dick.

 

However, you're feelings seem perfectly normal and justified. I know I would feel the same way.

 

It can be hard to stand your ground and have a frank conversation. Ask him to view the correspondence for a while to "ease your fears" and then promise once you know its platonic to drop it. It will be kind of hard for him to keep up the act when you're staring at proof that her feelings aren't platonic. (Lord that makes me sound evil and bitchy but I bet it would get you some results!) He shouldn't rebuke your offer since things are "platonic."

[make me believe]

Given her feelings for him, it is impossible for them to have an "innocent friendship" because just by being "friends" with her he is giving her hope that something else will happen eventually. I would be incredibly bothered if my BF told his ex that he was ok with being her number two. He shouldn't be her number two, he probably shouldn't even be in her life at all! Why does he feel the need to continue this friendship with her?

 

You said that he won't even discuss it with you, and he left the room when you asked him to discontinue this friendship. That is a huge red flag! He does NOT need to be "friends" with his ex who is obviously still in love with him. I would put my foot down on this if I were you. If he isn't willing to give up this "friendship," it says a lot about his feelings & priorities. I am friends with one of my exes, but neither of us has feelings for the other and if my BF was uncomfortable with the friendship I would have no problem ending it.

[jaxie]

Wow! Thanks everyone for the great advice. I had written a very detailed response to each of you but I lost it all due to a session time out. DRATS!!

 

Anyway, I fessed up about checking his email. He was incredibly angry - I guess I am the third person to have done that, one was a friend and one was his ex. Kinda weird that three people broke into his email - I have never had that happen, and wouldn't care if someone did anyway as I am not hiding anything.

 

So, although I still have issues with Drew, I do believe he is trying to be a nice guy and I don't think he wants to get back with his ex. He seems to be in denial that she wants him back, he had his own interpretation of her email to him as follows:

 

"The fact that she was having a hard time transitioning meant that she was having a hard time committing to relationships with other guys, not that she wanted to get back together with me. Here, she wasn't saying that she wanted to get back together, but that she envisioned that I'd have to get married before she could ever move on and be able to commit to another person fully."

 

It still sounds to me like she wants him back even in his interpretation, am I just being stubborn here or what?

 

I think there is something wrong with the fact that he needs to talk to her while he has also known she is stuck on him. His comment that she should nix him was the first time he said that to her in the whole eight years they had been broken up! (I know because she said that in her response in the email.) It baffles me and dosen't seem normal. Maybe it is some kind of ego thing, maybe he is just being nice, maybe he enjoys stringing her along because she broke off their engagement in the first place, maybe he has psychological issues, I just don't know!! I just hope she moves on. I think he took a big step in healing their ****ed up, dragged on weird "friendship".

 

So I don't understand it. He dosen't understand why it bothers me so bad, and I get the feeling he gets really angry that I try to control who he speaks with, so I will lay off doing that. We don't understand eachother, and it worries me that we never will. I want to work at it, but I don't know how to compromise here without having those doubts linger in my head.

 

I really like the advice to ask him if I can check their correspondence, I think it makes a lot of sense. He shouldn't mind doing that if things are platonic, and I will give it a try next time I feel paranoid about the two of them. That might be the only solution for now.

[BrownBear]

Jaxie, youve got this all wrong.

 

Your thoughts and your actions suggest you have low self esteem. You need to work on yourself as a human being. Because youre better than this.

 

I suggest you read 'The Road Less Traveled' by M. Scott Peck. It will show that your current behaviour towards Drew has very little to do with LOVE.

 

Staying in touch with someone you once romantically loved shouldnt be a problem. Its a sad situation when it is.

 

Drew has been very open about his relationship with his ex. You need to learn how to trust him and let him and his ex be.

[scatterd]

I think she has a right to feel as she does she is a threat to their relationship.If she did not still have feelings it would be different.To tell her she has low self esteem is not right I am sure their is more to her story have a little compassion.

[stace79]

It still sounds to me like she wants him back even in his interpretation, am I just being stubborn here or what?

 

I think there is something wrong with the fact that he needs to talk to her while he has also known she is stuck on him. His comment that she should nix him was the first time he said that to her in the whole eight years they had been broken up! (I know because she said that in her response in the email.) It baffles me and dosen't seem normal. Maybe it is some kind of ego thing, maybe he is just being nice, maybe he enjoys stringing her along because she broke off their engagement in the first place, maybe he has psychological issues, I just don't know!! I just hope she moves on. I think he took a big step in healing their ****ed up, dragged on weird "friendship".

 

So I don't understand it. He dosen't understand why it bothers me so bad, and I get the feeling he gets really angry that I try to control who he speaks with, so I will lay off doing that. We don't understand eachother, and it worries me that we never will. I want to work at it, but I don't know how to compromise here without having those doubts linger in my head.

 

I really like the advice to ask him if I can check their correspondence, I think it makes a lot of sense. He shouldn't mind doing that if things are platonic, and I will give it a try next time I feel paranoid about the two of them. That might be the only solution for now.

 

I have been here and done that. Basically, it does not matter WHY it bothers you. It bothers you. And as your boyfriend, he should be more concerned with you feeling secure in the relationship than about a friendship with an ex.

 

My boyfriend fought me on that for almost four years. I finally decided that 1) I was never going to be okay with him being friends with his ex and 2) he was never going to end the friendship.

 

So I broke up with him and told him the reason why. I did it calmly, not in the middle of a fight. He realized how serious I was. I didn't speak to him for several weeks.

 

Before I saw him again several weeks later, he'd already e-mailed his ex telling her that he didn't want to be friends anymore b/c he loved me and he would do anything to make me happy.

 

Even thought we've since had other problems, he has maintained his promise to me, that he won't ever talk to her or see her as long as we are together.

 

You are not being controlling by requesting or wishing he wouldn't talk to his ex. You are not asking him to never talk to any female, or see any friends. You are upset about ONE female, who is his ex-girlfriend.

 

He may not be ready to commit fully or he may need the ego-stroking from the ex; whatever it is, if he cannot understand and empathize with you, YOU have to decide if you can live with it or you cannot. Then you decide accordingly.

 

Living in the intermediate stage -- you being pissed and him refusing to acknowledge the problem -- will just lead to you being unhappy and him being annoyed.

[2sure]

He feels remaining in contact with her is harmless because he doesnt feel the same way about her as she does about him.

*Although this may be sincere...his problem lies not with her but with his own personal relationship boundaries.

*He knows she would like him to be an important part of her and her childs life...he declines, yet doesnt go away.

 

These things are both selfish and red flags.

 

You dont have to freak out...but now would be a good time to sit down and talk about relationship boundaries - comparing yours and his and your expectations of each other.

 

If you cannot come to common ground on this very basic principal...you want to reconsider your relationship.

[Reality Drip]

He needs to completely cut her out or you need to remove yourself from the situation.

 

Long-standing exes in the picture can be poisonous to a current relationship. I know from experience, I'm the king of recycling ex-gfs and it's some of the easiest work double-dipping with them.

 

It's nice that he brought you along for the xmas gathering. It was totally wrong for her to chastise him for doing that; she has no respect for you or for what really makes HIM happy.

 

He should see that, if not, explain it to him.

 

-Max

[IronMaiden]

I agree with the posters who say it is a problem of his, with boundaries that are too loose, and also he likes the attention, and doesn't want to do anything PROACTIVE to make it cease.

 

He has apparently drawn a line in the sand here, and this is your war zone. Are you going to put up with this, as it will be a pattern, or not? Only you can decide what is right for you. Some people will say it's not a hill they want to die on, and leave it be, others will say, heck, no, I'm not having my SO staying this cozy with exes.

[FitChick]

Who cares if she still wants him back? He doesn't want her. She's been on the periphery of his life for a long time and he's known her longer than he's known you. She is familiar. He probably feels sorry for her. Keep acting the way you are now and he will leave you, not for her, but for someone else.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to face reality which is why she didn't go to the party where the three of you would be together. That might be a good way for her to wake up and smell the coffee -- arrange for other parties or gatherings and let her see how cozy and happy you and Drew are, even if you have to trick her via friends into going thinking you and Drew won't be there and then just show up.

[jaxie]

Thanks everyone, I think I will give this some time to roll around in my head. Drew has been especially loving and sweet to me lately which has been making me feel better about stuff, plus we are moving abroad for an undetermined amount of time next month, so the distance thing should be good.

 

I am hoping his ex fades away. In his past relationship with a girl named Amanda, he was chatting online with his ex every night. He also freakin went on a vacation to INDIA with his ex (loaned her money for the trip) and not Amanda while they were dating.

 

So this may have complicated his ex's expectations of him. She expects him to act the same way in our relationship as he did in his relationship with Amanda. I would be sooo out the door if he was pulling that kind of **** with me and he knows it.

 

My plan is to just focus on the good, and when his ex comes around again I will be bitchy towards her but in a ninja sort of way.

 

Thanks to everyone who can understand where I am coming from, and to those who gave me a new point of view.

[stace79]

Who cares if she still wants him back? He doesn't want her. She's been on the periphery of his life for a long time and he's known her longer than he's known you. She is familiar. He probably feels sorry for her. Keep acting the way you are now and he will leave you, not for her, but for someone else.

 

So what? By your logic, even if I accept a marriage proposal, my exes still are more important because I will always have known them longer than my current SO. Time of knowing someone has nothing to do with it. When you enter a committed relationship with a new person, it means you COMMIT to putting him/her first, always. Not to mention that if/when you get married, the vows say "forsaking all others"...

[Clep]

 

Drew responded somewhat graciously by saying he was fine with her going out with someone else, and it would be healthy for her new relationship if he were her number two.

 

So...should I be making a big deal about this girl or just trust that Drew will not get with her? He knows it upsets me quite a bit but has assured me that he will never give up her friendship, but it bothers me that he won't even tell her to back off. Why would he need her in the picture?

 

Well since he knows the hierarchy that should be taking place it is a shame he is not exercising that in his own relationship.

 

In assuring you he will never give up their friendship he has just made you number two, and her number one. That would be all I needed to know.

[Clep]

Who cares if she still wants him back? He doesn't want her. She's been on the periphery of his life for a long time and he's known her longer than he's known you. She is familiar. He probably feels sorry for her. Keep acting the way you are now and he will leave you, not for her, but for someone else.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to face reality which is why she didn't go to the party where the three of you would be together. That might be a good way for her to wake up and smell the coffee -- arrange for other parties or gatherings and let her see how cozy and happy you and Drew are, even if you have to trick her via friends into going thinking you and Drew won't be there and then just show up.

 

His present woman is his woman, and it doesn't matter how long he has known anyone. He is in a committed relationship and should be acting like it putting his current relationship first.

 

Arranging for other parties, tricking if one has to. That is manipulative thinking and actions to me. That is putting out excessive negative energy on the situation, and it seems to me to be a situation created out of his lack of boundaries and need to have consistent assurance from another woman.

[Clep]

 

I am hoping his ex fades away. In his past relationship with a girl named Amanda, he was chatting online with his ex every night. He also freakin went on a vacation to INDIA with his ex (loaned her money for the trip) and not Amanda while they were dating.

 

I would be sooo out the door if he was pulling that kind of **** with me and he knows it.

 

My plan is to just focus on the good, and when his ex comes around again I will be bitchy towards her but in a ninja sort of way.

 

 

Well with that story the ex isn't going anywhere. Her position is solidified in her mind and in his if he is going to behave like that with Amanda in the situation. This is obviously a pattern.

 

He is pulling that kind of stuff with you, just in a very mild way right now.

 

Why would you be bitchy to the woman? You have never interacted with her in any way have you? Why would you be rude to someone that has not done anything to you that your own bf has not invited or allowed? Isn't he the one that you might feel the anxiety with.

[jaxie]

I would be bitchy because the ex has no respect for my relationship with Drew, and I really dislike her for that.

 

Thankfully Drew has not been hitting on her but he IS allowing her to talk to him that way.

 

Really she is a trainwreck. I am not afraid he will go back with her, I feel like I am a 90000000% better person than her, at least 100% better looking, 60000000% more stable, and if he wanted to go back with her he would have by now.

[jaxie]

Only time will tell for now, Drew is freaking perfect besides this being friends with his ex business. I am willing to wait it out for a bit, I think he is worth it.

[Krytie TV]

How about just acknowledging that your bf is handling this more maturely than 99% of men his age and just letting him handle it. It seems to me the issue that makes you upset is when you snoop in his things. Don't you think he has reason to be upset with your invasion of his privacy?