UGGGH my past is coming back to haunt me. .

[califnan]

Naturegirl .. You are on the Right track .. Remember this is a business dinner. I know you will do great .. Keep us informed ..

[alphamale]

...and then he started to tearing up and said that he was so sorry ...

boy this guy is a master manipulator

[carhill]

OP, I wish you well at the dinner and I'd like you to promise us no more engagements like that of today, where you're seeing him tear up and telling he's wishing you were at his side. That's unhealthy. I know you didn't solicit it proactively, but you have to be strong enough to walk out when that kind of stuff starts up. MM can be very convincing. I know because I was one. LC for business only from now on. Promise

[2sunny]

it is obvious that he intends to tell you his "feelings." NO MORE FEELINGS!

 

EVERY time he wants to tell you his feelings - cut him off! HIS feelings are for his wife. tell him that! this sets a boundary... for YOU.

 

any words about HIS feelings are designed to manipulate, control and sway YOU. do not go there. these conversations will only hurt YOU in the end. to NOT participate you are automatically taking care of YOURSELF.

he knows when he tells you his "feelings" that you will feel inclined to participate... by making him feel better, bigger, stronger and important. these are all ego feeds for him. he's using you to feed his ego.

 

at that point you fall prey to his agenda - which is to keep you actively involved in his "feelings" and his life. he wants to keep you around so he can have you as part of his life - he's married. remind him to take all those things to his wife only. she deserves to know more than you. he's short changing HIS marriage by putting his energy into you. that's not fair to his wife - and he's willing to hurt her without her knowledge - that sucks for her.

 

look out for your healing - this starts when you stop the game he wants you to keep playing with him.

 

he knows what works... he knows how to work you. don't go there. if the healing is to begin - this has to be removed from any conversation you have with him. tell him it's all off limits - unless it's strictly business. he is no longer privy to how you feel or what you do or don't do.

 

the conversation today really didn't need to be discussed. your ACTIONS should be able to tell him everything. be aware of every action/interaction with him. it should all say perfectly clear - it's over, i'm done - you're taken. no need for words. take this attitude into the dinner and you have no problem at all.

 

all positive energy going your way for tomorrow... and every day after.

 

let the healing begin! you have a new life to live! start acting like it.

[pureinheart]

Lost me PiH...I didn't think I said anything attacking or too terribly harsh to her...

 

Did I?

 

Its ok to call me on it...

 

Hi JW,

 

If I remember correctly, please correct me if I'm wrong, although I think you said something about NG not being able to handle the thread and I was commenting on some of the responses prior to yours.

 

In fact this gives me an opportunity (was going to state this in another thread, but felt it would be inappropriate) to say what I think...I have always respected what you have to say as it is never demeaning and extremely thoughtful. A lot of what you have replied to others with has really helped me in my journey.

 

It's cool to get a guys perspective on some of these situations...it cracks me up...guys do not have to say a word to each other and both of you will already know where the other is coming from...how do you guys do that ?

[pureinheart]

Pure, you are more than welcome to put me on Ignore. That's what it's there for. It's no skin off my nose if you do not care for my advice. LS was fine before I got here, it'll be fine long after I'm gone. But your continuous underhanded critique of my posts are neither desired, nor appreciated, thanks. I would PM this to you, but you brought it up here, so I felt it appropriate to address here. (My apologies to Tony if that is incorrect protocol.) Respectfully, I do not agree with many of your posts, so I simply skip them, rather than refer to them as pathetic. I'd appreciate the same consideration. I hope this can be put behind us for the OP's sake.

 

That being said, naturegirl, it sounds like you got through lunch just fine. I find it a little insulting to you that he'd well up and say he wanted you there instead of her. After all, if he wanted that to happen, he could make it happen. He chooses not to. Nevertheless, I hope you feel more comfortable about the dinner. I'm sure you'll get through with flying colors. Best of luck.

 

JT, this was not very nice, but thanks to you also. No need to put you on ignore.

[2sunny]

Hi JW,

 

If I remember correctly, please correct me if I'm wrong, although I think you said something about NG not being able to handle the thread and I was commenting on some of the responses prior to yours.

 

In fact this gives me an opportunity (was going to state this in another thread, but felt it would be inappropriate) to say what I think...I have always respected what you have to say as it is never demeaning and extremely thoughtful. A lot of what you have replied to others with has really helped me in my journey.

 

It's cool to get a guys perspective on some of these situations...it cracks me up...guys do not have to say a word to each other and both of you will already know where the other is coming from...how do you guys do that ?

 

why don't you two pm each other - instead of personal expressions that don't pertain to this post in a helpful way...

[jwi71]

Hi JW,

 

If I remember correctly, please correct me if I'm wrong, although I think you said something about NG not being able to handle the thread and I was commenting on some of the responses prior to yours.

 

I said that based on on what I thought were some wild emotional swings in her posts - unstable emotionally. However, she seems to have leveled off and now maybe, from that standpoint, will be ok.

 

However I think AFTER dinner will be sleepless (guilt).

In fact this gives me an opportunity (was going to state this in another thread, but felt it would be inappropriate) to say what I think...I have always respected what you have to say as it is never demeaning and extremely thoughtful. A lot of what you have replied to others with has really helped me in my journey.

 

Thank you.

 

It's cool to get a guys perspective on some of these situations...it cracks me up...guys do not have to say a word to each other and both of you will already know where the other is coming from...how do you guys do that ?

 

Jedi mind trick

[naturegirl]

hey, that is one of the wicked effects of having had and affair and loving a married man....it makes you fricken crazy. All the more reason to not do that again.

 

Plus, I felt that I was being anhilated over a comment I made about his cold spouse, that in retrospect, was a stupid thing to say.

 

But the fact remains that the whole affair felt like an emotional rollercoaster that I had to try and get off.

 

Now I need to work on setting boundaries for ME and being more insistent on not letting him tell me how he feels. It bothers me that inside, I still like knowing that he cares about me and yet it infuriates me that he does nothing about it but tell me.

 

I have never percieved him as manipulative. He has always been unfailingly kind. Do you know when we eneded things, we talked and cried and tried to be friends. Then, I couldn't take it anymore and cut off all communication with him for three months. He sent me a message saying, I know I have upset you and I would like to make it right. I ignored it. Then after three months, I said I was ready to talk about it and told him that it was painful being near him and I didn't feel like we ever really had closure and I need space to heal my broken heart. He said, "I will wait as long as it takes and give you the space you need to heal, but I really miss my friendship and have been lost without it." At that point, I made an effort to do the friend thing. Since we were only sexual one weekend, I don't think that he is trying to get in my pants, but he does appear to need the emotional support I have given him. I just don't know how to stop doing that. I can set clear boundaries for physical issues and not allow conversations about his wife, but it feels like I have to completely stop caring about the person in order to move on and I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I want to either.

 

Can you ever be friends again after an affair, if the relationship that preceeded the affair was genuine and caring or am I deluding myself?

[2sunny]

I

have never percieved him as manipulative. He has always been unfailingly kind. Do you know when we eneded things, we talked and cried and tried to be friends. Then, I couldn't take it anymore and cut off all communication with him for three months. He sent me a message saying, I know I have upset you and I would like to make it right. I ignored it. Then after three months, I said I was ready to talk about it and told him that it was painful being near him and I didn't feel like we ever really had closure and I need space to heal my broken heart. He said, "I will wait as long as it takes and give you the space you need to heal, but I really miss my friendship and have been lost without it." At that point, I made an effort to do the friend thing. Since we were only sexual one weekend, I don't think that he is trying to get in my pants, but he does appear to need the emotional support I have given him. I just don't know how to stop doing that. I can set clear boundaries for physical issues and not allow conversations about his wife, but it feels like I have to completely stop caring about the person in order to move on and I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I want to either.

 

he is manipulative because he surely is trying to make sure all his feelings and needs are being met. it's not enough to get it from his wife - now he needs more from you too. not only that, but be fair to his wife. who is a wife that really wants their hubby being best buddies with a gal at work who fulfills all his emotional needs and doesn't share any then when he gets home? oh ya, he already spent all his emotional energy on the gal at work - but nobody bothered to tell the loving wife...

 

it's selfish of HIM all the way around. how is that not manipulative. the above paragraph is all about HIM, HIS comfort zone, his feelings that need met. how HE will wait to be sure he keeps you stringing along. blah.

 

when will it ever be about YOU NG? you and YOUR feelings, your love, and your future?

 

it will never be about YOU unless it becomes less about HIM! less about him means more happiness for you.

[norajane]

Can you ever be friends again after an affair, if the relationship that preceeded the affair was genuine and caring or am I deluding myself?

 

No, you can't be "friends" again after an affair. The affair changes everything about your relationship dynamic, and it's never just simple friendship after that...if it ever really was just simple friendship.

 

And while you're busy trying to be his friend, you cannot move on. Your feelings for him will remain, fed by every glance, talk, word or deed.

[califnan]

The best part is that you have cut off the physical part of the relationship, Naturegirl.

 

I know it must be very difficult to work in the same place together. I can tell that you haven't been real encouraging to him, by the things you have quoted yourself as responding to him.. But seeing him everyday, and doing lunch together - is definitely keeping you two together, on a level that may be preventing you from moving forward to a meaningful relationship.

 

He definitely is using your relationship as an emotional affair for himself.. But you must think to yourself: Is your attachment to him, preventing you from seeking a meaningful relationship with another. If so, you should continue to work on backing away from him.

[pureinheart]

I said that based on on what I thought were some wild emotional swings in her posts - unstable emotionally. However, she seems to have leveled off and now maybe, from that standpoint, will be ok.

 

However I think AFTER dinner will be sleepless (guilt).

 

 

 

 

I personally couldn't deal with it in her shoes...am hyperthyroid, so easily excitable...lol...

 

Remember having to do a Teaming Presentation for our team at work, the heart started pounding bad and couldn't seem to talk...they all said I did well...ooookkk. That's when I began to notice something was off physically. Nope couldn't handle it NG... and am basically a direct person and outspoken at times...so I gotta hand it to you if you do go.

 

Hey JW, that Jedi mind thing...is there a class I can take for that!?

[pureinheart]

The best part is that you have cut off the physical part of the relationship, Naturegirl.

 

I know it must be very difficult to work in the same place together. I can tell that you haven't been real encouraging to him, by the things you have quoted yourself as responding to him.. But seeing him everyday, and doing lunch together - is definitely keeping you two together, on a level that may be preventing you from moving forward to a meaningful relationship.

 

He definitely is using your relationship as an emotional affair for himself.. But you must think to yourself: Is your attachment to him, preventing you from seeking a meaningful relationship with another. If so, you should continue to work on backing away from him.

 

CN, I can tell you first hand, working together can be a nightmare, even with bf and gf.

 

In fact I'm still in touch with an ex bf, the only one I ever dated at work. He was a horrible bf, but has been a good friend...he wants to have a R, but I am not into it...

 

CN, he made me so mad when we were working together, in fact he was the Customer (Inspector)...and had a good sense of humor...here we have a high profile individual, and it was a conflict of interest in our dating, but I was real depressed one morning (at work) and he comes walking up with a trash can on his head (it was a new one and clean) sounding like Darth Vader trying to cheer me up...I have a lot of stories ...lol

 

 

My heart goes out to NG...I could not "quit" my job, I had my time there (retirement), benies....way too much to loose over a R.

 

Just try to stay in tact (easier said than done)...I threw a couple of fits, let my emotions get away with me, although overall I did good.

 

I told God if I had a choice between exDM or the job...I'd take the job

[pureinheart]

why don't you two pm each other - instead of personal expressions that don't pertain to this post in a helpful way...

 

I'm not sure how this expression helps much of anything in a helpful way. Do you care to expand?

[pureinheart]

let's move forward - she seems to be doing some very courageous work here.

 

I missed this one...thank you, I am moving forward

[pureinheart]

hey, that is one of the wicked effects of having had and affair and loving a married man....it makes you fricken crazy. All the more reason to not do that again.

 

Plus, I felt that I was being anhilated over a comment I made about his cold spouse, that in retrospect, was a stupid thing to say.

 

But the fact remains that the whole affair felt like an emotional rollercoaster that I had to try and get off.

 

Now I need to work on setting boundaries for ME and being more insistent on not letting him tell me how he feels. It bothers me that inside, I still like knowing that he cares about me and yet it infuriates me that he does nothing about it but tell me.

 

I have never percieved him as manipulative. He has always been unfailingly kind. Do you know when we eneded things, we talked and cried and tried to be friends. Then, I couldn't take it anymore and cut off all communication with him for three months. He sent me a message saying, I know I have upset you and I would like to make it right. I ignored it. Then after three months, I said I was ready to talk about it and told him that it was painful being near him and I didn't feel like we ever really had closure and I need space to heal my broken heart. He said, "I will wait as long as it takes and give you the space you need to heal, but I really miss my friendship and have been lost without it." At that point, I made an effort to do the friend thing. Since we were only sexual one weekend, I don't think that he is trying to get in my pants, but he does appear to need the emotional support I have given him. I just don't know how to stop doing that. I can set clear boundaries for physical issues and not allow conversations about his wife, but it feels like I have to completely stop caring about the person in order to move on and I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I want to either.

 

Can you ever be friends again after an affair, if the relationship that preceeded the affair was genuine and caring or am I deluding myself?

 

First off, if his S is cold, then you have a right to speak that, it is your sitch, not anyone elses.

 

I was in an EA (emotional affair, no sex)...guys aren't as superficial as some think, sometimes it is the emotional connection that they actually seek.

 

The "friend" part is an individual thing, you will get many opinions, but ultimately it's up to you, and what you can handle. I could do that as a teenager, but might not be able to now.

 

I don't know what to say NG, you sound real cool and I'm sure that is what he's attracted to...you have to do what works for you, all I can do is share my stand, which in this day and hour might be considered strange...no sex before M, and have taken a broader stand with MM since the EA...have learned that even separated won't work for me...tempting, but still M'ed, newly D'ed is even a risk IMO.

 

I had never experienced this before...in the past had been the BW, and WS...none of these were fun at all.

 

Remember this is your life, and life is short and can become even shorter with drama ...((((((hugs)))))...oh and sorry for the past tj's..had to defend myself

[jj33]

Nature Girl he sounds like a nice man who is in a common situation. His emotional needs are fulfilled in his marriage.

 

But that is not YOUR problem. You are hung up on this man romantically even if you dont want to reenter the A, you are still hung up on him (read your posts and you will see it)

 

Being his friend keeps you stuck emotionally. If he is "lost" without your friendship, then it is up to him to find a way out of his emotional isolatoin.

 

He has gotten accustomed to using you as a crutch in his marriage. You are filling in the gaps for him so that he doesnt feel so isolated there.

 

That is NOT your job. That is not your role. You need to look after you and free yourself from the ties that you have with him (emotional) because it will hold you back in your own emotional life.

 

I know it sounds harsh and everyone wants to believe that its possible to be friends but its unwise to do so at your own expense. You only have one life and you are the creator of your own destiny. Dont live it as a handmaiden to someone else's flawed marriage.

 

Thats not hte sort of charity you need to be doing.

[2sunny]

he knows if he keeps you feeling emotionally tied to him - you will never be open to finding a man to fulfill YOUR needs.

 

that is why it is selfish of him to dump HIS feelings on you. you deserve an available man emotionally, physically and spiritually. HE has been your roadblock.

 

now that you know, and you set your boundary - the only roadblock you have now- is you. as long as you keep him emotionally distanced - you aren't giving him the power to take up that emotional space that should be given to an available man. stop giving him your power.

 

when he starts - simply say, "i intend to keep this strictly business." he should get the message.

[jwi71]

Hey JW, that Jedi mind thing...is there a class I can take for that!?

 

You do not need a class for that...

 

[ladydesigner]

No, you can't be "friends" again after an affair. The affair changes everything about your relationship dynamic, and it's never just simple friendship after that...if it ever really was just simple friendship.

 

And while you're busy trying to be his friend, you cannot move on. Your feelings for him will remain, fed by every glance, talk, word or deed.

 

This is so true. I too thought I could still be friends with my XOM since we were such good friends before the A. Nope didn't work. I never healed I always hoped he would admit that he missed me and still cared about me...and he did say those things, but I could never truly heal. I finally went NC, it was by far one of the hardest things I have had to do. I still miss our friendship more than the A, but I know that I can't ever go back there again, I have made such progress in healing.

[naturegirl]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to let you all know that I made it through the dinner last Friday with flying colors. I posted a detailed description of the evening and then something happened where I was logged out, lost it and then this week has been busy with out of town business travel.

 

Anyway--his wife did not show up for the dinner. I didn't ask him why but several colleagues were talking about it and apparently she did not want to go and didn't.

 

I decided not to show up for the pre-dinner happy hour and sat at the other end of the table. I engaged in good conversation with others and then declined the post dinner drinks and went home.

 

I looked great--classy but not boring and had a nice time. When people were playing musical chairs to socialize, I got bumped to a seat near him but engaged in conversation with others on the other side of me, but was not going out of my way to ignore him. Then he went and sat across from me and we chatted together as a group.

 

He called me on his way home and said that I left before saying goodbye to him (because I left when he went to the bathroom) and that he tried to arrange for me to sit by him, but someone else sat down. I said that was okay and it was probably for the best anyway so that we could socialize with others. He said that he looked at me all night and wished we could have sat by each other. I didn't notice him looking at me because I didn't look at him too often. We exchanged smiles a few times but that was it.

 

Had I wanted to, I could have ended the evening with a different result, but I was strong and took the high road and left at the same time as others.

 

Thanks to you all for your support! I couldn't have managed the night and all of these crazy emotions without your help.

[califnan]

Thank you So Much for updating .. I had wondered how it went .. You did take the high road alright ..

 

It looks as if the evening did a lot to show the professional woman that you are to your colleagues - which is the Most important.. (He can muddle in the rest) ..

 

Most importantly, had there been any undercurrent amongst the co-workers, you obviously disspelled it with your professionalism..

 

Congratulations Nature .. Great job!

[scatterd]

He probably did not even tell her about it thats why she did mot come.He knows she would know because she already suspects You should marry him then you would know how he is.All of them put down the wife how else will the woman feel sorry for them.

[naturegirl]

I already do know how he is and who he is. I had an affair with him remember? I don't really know that it is important for me to feel sorry for her or him or me for that matter.

 

He told her about the dinner. He knew it was important that she be there with him. Is it really so inconceivable that his spouse just didn't give a damn. I don't really care why she didn't show up. It's between the two of them, but quit making it out like the situation is so one sided. We don't really know what their relationship is like, do we? She could be a monster, she could be a lazy cold hearted bitch, she could be wonderful and loving and that is why he is so unhappy. Who the heck knows. I believe that for every person whose spouse has cheated, if they are honest with themselves, acknowledge that their actions played a role in the deteriation of the marriage. Not that this permits adultery.