UGGGH my past is coming back to haunt me. .

May 20, 2010

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I agree JJ .. Going to the business dinner, is the responsible professional thing to do ..

I am sorry - but those on here who advise her to dodge it: Have you ever known responsibility, or are you the type who takes a sick day off - for minute reasons.

I'm sorry, but we're a little late on being "responsible and professional."

"Responsible and professional" would have been NOT engaging in an affair with a married co-worker.

Now we're just trying to figure out how to minimize collateral damage!

May 20, 2010

I'm sorry, but we're a little late on being "responsible and professional."

"Responsible and professional" would have been NOT engaging in an affair with a married co-worker.

Now we're just trying to figure out how to minimize collateral damage!

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It's not by hiding from the business dinner, that would only compound things.

May 20, 2010

But we have talked a lot about our feelings and maybe I am really needing to believe that his is being honest, but I do believe him when he says he still is in love with me. of course I want to believe that. But I am not waiting for the divorce to happen and have him come running to me. I regret that. But I do enjoy his company and friendship and I do not want to let that go. I am okay with letting go of the love part, but never would I want to let go of the friendship I have shared with him. If anything, the post affair relationship has been even better than the pre affair relationship and I think that is because we genuinely care about each other. Is this all nuts?

keep in mind that feelings really are meaningless unless someone takes action on those feelings. he's not willing to leave his wife - so discussing feelings is meaningless... it's also a violation of his relationship with HIS wife. HE should be sharing HIS feelings with his wife - not you. tell him that - be honest. IF you were his W - wouldn't you want to know how he feels instead of him taking his feelings to another woman? YOU are allowing him to participate this way - cut him off. you are stepping into their marriage every time you speak on a personal level with him. tell him it's inappropriate... to take his feelings to his W. this is where YOU have some control - by NOT participating any longer. this allows YOU to begin healing.

also - your relationship is better than pre-affair because he still thinks he's manipulating you to sex in the future. happens all the time. he's keeping you on the back burner so when it's convenient for HIM - he can turn up the heat and move you to the front. don play that game. tell him to more personal communication - strictly business. tell him it's healthier for his M and his W not to spend time and energy paying attention to you.

then follow through with what you tell him. if you start this now - the dinner will go much more smoothly based upon the new business level of communication that you present at the dinner. it sets the tone for the boundary in the relationship that will be new to both of you = business relationship only.

May 20, 2010

I can do this. I had the affair and lived through the heartbreaking end, I can certainly pull off a night of being professional.

Also, despite how I phrased things in my inital post, I don't blame his wife for him having an affair. I don't feel that way at all. HE chose to step out of his marriage and have an affair. Whether he felt justified or not is really not my place to judge. It was wrong of him. It was wrong of me. For many years, I have seen my friend back away from asserting his feelings in many situations and I am sure that the same would follow at home. If he was/is really that miserable, he would do something to end the misery. Obviously things are not that bad or he would leave. Plain and simple. But I do want to be clear that I do not in no way shape or form blame her.

May 20, 2010

I have always encouraged him to talk with his wife about what he describes as a lack of love and to seek out couples therapy and do everything in his power to try and relay the gravity of the situation and the depth of his feelings. I did this because I would rather see him happily married than in love with or having feelings for me. I do care about him as a person and a friend and despite my own feelings (which will heal), I care about him as a person.

May 20, 2010

Naturegirl, please don't delude yourself. If you still have feelings for him, and he still has feelings for you, or even if you are discussing something you could not discuss in front of his wife, you are having an emotional affair.

May 20, 2010

I have always encouraged him to talk with his wife about what he describes as a lack of love and to seek out couples therapy and do everything in his power to try and relay the gravity of the situation and the depth of his feelings. I did this because I would rather see him happily married than in love with or having feelings for me. I do care about him as a person and a friend and despite my own feelings (which will heal), I care about him as a person.

this is good NG - the thing you want to be clear with him about is that he should no longer be expressing any feelings with you... those are saved for his R with his W.

this is YOUR boundary - and how YOU will not participate with interfering any further in their M.

if he starts - tell him "save that stuff for your W, she gets that part of you, remember?" it should show perfectly clearly to him at that point.

May 20, 2010

what a great way of putting it, "save this stuff for your wife. She get's that part of you, remember?". I have been at a loss for how to say that other than to tell him that he really needed to talk to her about his feelings and that he owed it to her and to himself.

Thanks--I will use that if he chooses to discuss her with me again. I need that boundary in order to heal.

May 20, 2010

Naturegirl, I have noticed that married people Use others of the opposite sex, to ingratiate their lives.

The fact that their lives are obviously so boring or dismal that they must Use others .. that should help you to heal as well .. Probably, he can't wait to get to work each day, to see you .. And this must have been difficult for you with the healing ..

I think you have come a long way in just escaping from the PA .. The rest can be mind over matter..

May 20, 2010

what a great way of putting it, "save this stuff for your wife. She get's that part of you, remember?". I have been at a loss for how to say that other than to tell him that he really needed to talk to her about his feelings and that he owed it to her and to himself.
Thanks--I will use that if he chooses to discuss her with me again. I need that boundary in order to heal.

good girl - it can also be effective if he begins to tell you how HE feels.

it shouldn't matter to you how he feels - how he feels should also be directed at his wife.

literally, how can SHE understand what is wrong in the M if HE never tells her but tells others?

IF he would share ALL of that personal stuff ONLY with HER - they could stand a chance at having a much more intimate relationship. if he would be honest with her the M would heal and become stronger.

as long as he brings it to you for sympathy instead of her... he's killing any chance of having a healthy M. he does this to you for a reason - it keeps you connected to him. it gets YOU involved. don't do it. even listening is keeping you from healing and moving forward. save all that time and energy for a man you might date.

May 20, 2010

That's funny that you say that. If we don't bump into each other or talk on any given day, he will call or stop by my office to connect. He has told me for years that I am the best part of his day and that just seeing me calms him. Whenever he has said that, I have always laughed it off and replied by saying, "if that's the case, you need to get a life."

I really appreciate your kind words and support. I wish I could hug you right now.

May 20, 2010

That's funny that you say that. If we don't bump into each other or talk on any given day, he will call or stop by my office to connect. He has told me for years that I am the best part of his day and that just seeing me calms him. Whenever he has said that, I have always laughed it off and replied by saying, "if that's the case, you need to get a life."

I really appreciate your kind words and support. I wish I could hug you right now.

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Just know that men are very simple creatures .. They Choose who they wish to be with .. But to Use others to fill a void, or whatever .. that is Using your emotions..

May 20, 2010

That's a great point, 2sunny. I am thankful that he doesn't come crying to me about his marital issues very often. After we ended the PA, for the first week, he kept bringing her up, quoting things that she would say to him and finally I said, "look. I don't want to talk about your wife. I don't want to hear about her right now. The whole affair thing was a mistake and it is too painful for me to listen to a single word about her."

He respected my wishes for 1 year and then when he seemed depressed for about 2 weeks, I asked him if everything was okay, and he said it wasn't but he was trying to respect my wishes about not talking about her. I mistakenly opened the door, told him again how important it was for him to communicate his feelings directly with her, gave him a hug and sent him on his way.

He later said that he appreciated being able to talk to me and appreciated the support. I told him that I care about him, but it still hurts to hear about his wife and his marital discord when he has the control to change things for the better or get out. He said he feels like such a coward for not being able to get out. I told him that he would leave when he got tired of eating ****.

That was 3 months ago and we haven't discussed her since, until the issue of the dinner got brought up. fricken dinner.

May 20, 2010

That's funny that you say that. If we don't bump into each other or talk on any given day, he will call or stop by my office to connect. He has told me for years that I am the best part of his day and that just seeing me calms him. Whenever he has said that, I have always laughed it off and replied by saying, "if that's the case, you need to get a life."

I really appreciate your kind words and support. I wish I could hug you right now.

ok. so when he does this simply tell him to stick to business only. you are making it easy for him to be connected to you more than his wife. YOU are playing the role backwards. set the boundary. business only. tell him to speak to you only for work related issues. this will be new and uncomfortable. if you do it well - he will get the message loud and clear after a few times.

you're doing great just by keeping an open mind and willingness to change. it's hard - i'm really proud of your courage. hugs to you!

May 20, 2010

ok. so when he does this simply tell him to stick to business only. you are making it easy for him to be connected to you more than his wife. YOU are playing the role backwards. set the boundary. business only. tell him to speak to you only for work related issues. this will be new and uncomfortable. if you do it well - he will get the message loud and clear after a few times.

you're doing great just by keeping an open mind and willingness to change. it's hard - i'm really proud of your courage. hugs to you!

This is really good advice on multiple levels. Besides the personal complications, there is nothing that will ruin your career, or your image as a serious, responsible professional woman like having an affair with someone in the office, (or a client.) Anyone in either of those categories should be strictly off-limits to you - whether they are married or not. It could get you fired, at worst. You will not be taken seriously as a professional. (for reasons we all know, it's worse for a woman than a man.) It's just bad business to date people you work for or with.

May 20, 2010

If it will help, tell him you are keeping your relationship with him strictly business to protect your career and your professional image. Because it will do that, too.

Good luck!

May 20, 2010

Unbelievable harshness here, and cyncism. It was difficult to get past the first two pages of this thread.

You should absolutely go to the dinner. Don't alter your life (and necessary career events) in ways that futher emphasize your "victimhood"/guilt. Do not let him/"them have this kind of power over you.

Go, be gracious, classy and beautiful and very very serious, quiet. Observe everything and just sort of hang back. Do not sit at the same table--if poassible fiind another table and say to someone, "I feel a little ill and may need a quick get away, would you mind swapping". Or something like this. He entered the affair as you did, he should "hide his head in the sand" if you will, not "just" you.

If you do have to meet her for whatever reason, do not be all charm and smiles, be grave and serious (not mysterious, that is). My point is to emphasize your maturity, that while you regret what you have done, you will not hide your life or your life's advancement because of it.

OE

It's sad isn't it...I felt the same about the first couple pages...and agreed, she should go...

Actually JW, considering the beginning of this thread, and then told that something SHE said was uncalled for, I think she's done very well...it's like they lay in wait to be the first tp pounce...it's pathetic.

May 20, 2010

It's sad isn't it...I felt the same about the first couple pages...and agreed, she should go...

Actually JW, considering the beginning of this thread, and then told that something SHE said was uncalled for, I think she's done very well...it's like they lay in wait to be the first tp pounce...it's pathetic.

let's move forward - she seems to be doing some very courageous work here.

May 20, 2010

i'm sure that he's afraid that you'll go psycho and "out" him in front of his wife and co-workers

May 20, 2010

It's sad isn't it...I felt the same about the first couple pages...and agreed, she should go...

Actually JW, considering the beginning of this thread, and then told that something SHE said was uncalled for, I think she's done very well...it's like they lay in wait to be the first tp pounce...it's pathetic.

Lost me PiH...I didn't think I said anything attacking or too terribly harsh to her...

Did I?

Its ok to call me on it...

May 20, 2010

i'm sure that he's afraid that you'll go psycho and "out" him in front of his wife and co-workers

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If you have read the thread.. there is no indicater that he would feel that way ..

May 20, 2010

NG seems to be level headed and reasonable in her approach to her position here. a breathe of fresh air, actually.

May 20, 2010

Naturegirl, I have noticed that married people Use others of the opposite sex, to ingratiate their lives.

The fact that their lives are obviously so boring or dismal that they must Use others .. that should help you to heal as well .. Probably, he can't wait to get to work each day, to see you .. And this must have been difficult for you with the healing ..

I think you have come a long way in just escaping from the PA .. The rest can be mind over matter..

I think you are trying to trick yourself into believing this. In reality a lot of guys can have a great life and still want some action on the side. The sex has nothing to do with a emotional void. The truth is the OW/OM has to be pretty desperate to let themselves be used as some persons action on the side

OP,

You are tricking yourself into believing his bull. As a guy I can assure you that we will lie to get some. We even lie for years. Its not like we wake up a plan a complete day of deceit but instead we make a few lies over time and some silly girls eat it up because they want to believe its true. Next the girl looks for evidence to make it true. Over the past 15 years you probably noticed little things that makes you think his wife is cold but you probably completely overlooked things like him taking her to dinner, family vacations, and a bunch of stuff like that

The line about you being the best part of his day is nothing more than a line. He is playing you and you may not think it but you are still in a affair with him.

Stop being his "friend" and move on with your life

May 20, 2010

Hi Everyone-

Alpha--there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would ever do that and that is the last thing he would ever worry about.

We spoke about the dinner--I told him I was a little freaked out about it and he said he was too. I told him that I was feeling sick about having dinner with someone whose husband I slept with. He said that it wasn't so much the fact that we had sex, but that he would be sitting there with his wife and wishing I was by his side and then he started to tearing up and said that he was so sorry and wanted to talk to me about it because he could tell something was wrong, and then he thought about writing a note. I told him that everything would be fine with the dinner and that I thought that his is what I get for having an affair was to sit across the table and look at them as a couple as one form of punishment.

i didn't engage him and tell him that I still share feelings for him this time. I just gave him a pep talk that it would all be good and Monday will be here before we know it.

I'm am stronger because of all of the help I have received here, so thank you.

I plan to continue to be strong and assert the business side of our relationship and keep the talk strictly business or other benign topics.

Thanks again. Tomorrow night is the dinner. wish me luck.

May 20, 2010

It's sad isn't it...I felt the same about the first couple pages...and agreed, she should go...

Actually JW, considering the beginning of this thread, and then told that something SHE said was uncalled for, I think she's done very well...it's like they lay in wait to be the first tp pounce...it's pathetic.

Pure, you are more than welcome to put me on Ignore. That's what it's there for. It's no skin off my nose if you do not care for my advice. LS was fine before I got here, it'll be fine long after I'm gone. But your continuous underhanded critique of my posts are neither desired, nor appreciated, thanks. I would PM this to you, but you brought it up here, so I felt it appropriate to address here. (My apologies to Tony if that is incorrect protocol.) Respectfully, I do not agree with many of your posts, so I simply skip them, rather than refer to them as pathetic. I'd appreciate the same consideration. I hope this can be put behind us for the OP's sake.

That being said, naturegirl, it sounds like you got through lunch just fine. I find it a little insulting to you that he'd well up and say he wanted you there instead of her. After all, if he wanted that to happen, he could make it happen. He chooses not to. Nevertheless, I hope you feel more comfortable about the dinner. I'm sure you'll get through with flying colors. Best of luck.

Edited May 20, 2010 by jthorne

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