Just a stone's throw Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Naturegirl - Please understand that you do not owe exMM anything in this deal. You do not owe him to be polite to his wife or not, to have any kind of social interraction with her or not. You are no longer in a relationship with him. You do owe your employer to be the best employee that you can be. That means spending your time when at work or at work functions doing what is expected of you and customary as an active member of the company and in no way bringing embarassment to the company. That does not include pining away for the MM. Your employer is paying you to do this and has an expectation that you will provide that service. Plain and simple if you do not feel you can uphold that expectation due to MM, then it may be time to look for another job. I say this WADR as this was a hard lesson for me to learn as I'm no longer with "The Company". Good luck!
Mable Suga Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 ( quote) for her because for the 15 years that I have been friends with this man, she has been a cold and unloving spouse. (quote) How the heck do you know what she is like? Oh your lover TOLD you that right? Poor guy. Poor you. No, more importantly, POOR HER! To have to live with a man who obviously feels its more fun and exciting to treat his co-worker better than he treats his wife. Yeah, I'd be cold and unloving toward him too. Oh and if you and he ever end up together? I hope the same things the wife is going through with her husband now, happens to you. You deserve it!!
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Naturegirl, NEVER put yourself on the outside! Whether it be a class reunion or anything else.. And especially it being a business function - Do not put yourself on the outside. Also, I would not disclose your insecurities about the event - to him or anyone else.. It will make it a lot easier to get through it.
jj33 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Dont you dare not go. Dont give this that kind of power over your career. You made a mistake. Its over but your life goes on. It hurts Right now it hurts like h*ll. I was just treated to a long discussion of how a business I helped build has been so successful that plans are being put in place to make sure that W can benefit from it after his death... But I am still here still breathing head held high. You will get over it but keep your goal in mind. Your goal is to further your career. He means NOTHING to your future. You have to strive for your future and just go through the motions. Fake it till you make it. I disagree with the other posters. The lunch is not about her or about him. Its about you and our career.
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Dont you dare not go. Dont give this that kind of power over your career. You made a mistake. Its over but your life goes on. It hurts Right now it hurts like h*ll. I was just treated to a long discussion of how a business I helped build has been so successful that plans are being put in place to make sure that W can benefit from it after his death... But I am still here still breathing head held high. You will get over it but keep your goal in mind. Your goal is to further your career. He means NOTHING to your future. You have to strive for your future and just go through the motions. Fake it till you make it. I disagree with the other posters. The lunch is not about her or about him. Its about you and our career. ----------------- I agree.
jwi71 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Wow...I don't often disagree with you JJ...but I do here. Dont you dare not go. Dont give this that kind of power over your career. I think she already did. It hurts Right now it hurts like h*ll. I was just treated to a long discussion of how a business I helped build has been so successful that plans are being put in place to make sure that W can benefit from it after his death... T/J...sorry...that HAD to be tough. ...and could you have handled that as poised back then? But I am still here still breathing head held high. You will get over it but keep your goal in mind. Your goal is to further your career. He means NOTHING to your future. You have to strive for your future and just go through the motions. Fake it till you make it. BBM. I don't know his position relative to her (superior? subordinate? Equal?) but this can be very "not true". He can affect her going forward not only in her professional life, but other ways as well. For instance, he may perceive her as a threat to his reputation/job/marriage and fire her. Dunno. I do know he CAN affect her and vice versa. Its why she needs to hit monster.com. I disagree with the other posters. The lunch is not about her or about him. Its about you and our career. Strike three...your out JJ. I think its about how they are to act at this dinner. Or maybe even HE asks HER to no-show. Its no good all the way around. Find a new job OP and move on - only THEN do you reclaim your job and in many ways your life.
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Find a new job OP and move on - only THEN do you reclaim your job and in many ways your life. -------------------- It doesn't work that way today (high unemployment) jwi .. This is the real world. Her present Job Is IMPORTANT. Ridiculous when she isn't even in a PA - to turn her back on her present/future livlihood - Career. Go to the Business event Naturegirl .. and act like the professional woman that you are.
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Wait a minute... I think there is some confusion about which "dining experience" she should attend... I think some were referring to the lunch event with the xMM, some referring to the dinner event with the company. Personally, I think the lunch is more for the MM to feel the OP out (figuratively) to see how she's going to react at the dinner. Or better yet, try to convince her not to attend. Maybe not, but if the A is off, there's no reason to go to lunch with him.
ladydesigner Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Wait a minute... I think there is some confusion about which "dining experience" she should attend... I think some were referring to the lunch event with the xMM, some referring to the dinner event with the company. Personally, I think the lunch is more for the MM to feel the OP out (figuratively) to see how she's going to react at the dinner. Or better yet, try to convince her not to attend. Maybe not, but if the A is off, there's no reason to go to lunch with him. Good point Jthorne. If it were me I would be all for the dinner but only for the sake of her career and nothing else. Definitely cancel lunch with MM.
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Good point Jthorne. If it were me I would be all for the dinner but only for the sake of her career and nothing else. Definitely cancel lunch with MM. ----------------- Her original post was expressing concern about the business dinner - function.
jwi71 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 -------------------- It doesn't work that way today (high unemployment) jwi .. This is the real world. Her present Job Is IMPORTANT. Huh? Ridiculous when she isn't even in a PA - to turn her back on her present/future livlihood - Career. One, it was PA. Two, its still EA (bet dollars to donuts it is) And does it matter what type of A it is...its still an A and it still adversely affects her. And who said anything about turning her back on her career...I suggested finding another job. And oddly enough, doing that may SAVE her career and reputation vs getting busted and having others think she slept her way to the top. Go to the Business event Naturegirl .. and act like the professional woman that you are. We clearly disagree. Think she can handle it...she can't handle THIS THREAD. Leading the sheep to slaughter I swear.
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Califnan--why do you think it is so important for me to see them together? I don't understand. Will it help me see her as a human or will it make me feel more guilty or make me angry and move on? Not answerign for Califnan- IMO, so you can see things for what they are. Reality. Men lie to get pity pu$$y. His W not getting sympathy from you? She's not asking for it. You had the strenght to carry on an A, you can also have the strenght to pull this one through. In 15yrs you ahve worked with him, you have never been in the same room with these 2?
Trimmer Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I disagree with the other posters. The lunch is not about her or about him. Its about you and our career. As others have pointed out, let's keep the events straight: The one she asked about in the OP is a "couples work function", which is a sit-down dinner. The other that she mentioned peripherally, is lunch between her and the MM (we assume, alone...) I vote the lunch is a bad idea, and not in her best interests, either personally or career-wise. Dinner, if she can disconnect from the personal aspects, hold her head up, move forward, and act the part of the dedicated professional, is up to her. I do agree that she has possibly put her career at risk, but I don't think she needs to run from it yet - by skipping the dinner, or by skipping out on her job - IF (and that's a big IF) she can disconnect from the affair completely, (no lunches with MM!) and dedicate her job time to being a dedicated professional. That may require some "fake it 'til you make it" and maybe even working on her personal issues on her personal time, but unless she has a strong reason that it can't work out, I don't see why she should throw it all away and run to another job to start over at this point. All of that is predicated on her ability to really end the affair, and I do worry whether the lunch is a bad sign in that regard...
Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Your past, hmm? If you're still having lunch with him, regardless of what you now call your relationship (friends?), it is not your "past." It is just a modification of your history together. If you truly mean to end the A, you need to stop associating with him. Period. And I know this next topic has already been addressed, but after reading these forums, and considering that the divorce rate is skyrocketing daily, it seems peculiar that everyone is getting divorced EXCEPT MM having affairs. Makes me think that maybe their wives are TOO nice and accommodating. When, oh when will us OW stop believing men whom we KNOW are capable of lying to, and betraying, someone with whom they have lived for years, have made sacred vows with, signed legal papers, and often, have fathered children with! Yep, he can lie to someone with whom he has all that, but he would NEVER lie to us temporary relationship gals! If it were not critical to go to the dinner, I would have a sudden death in the family, and would stay away. Somewhere along the way, I have got a gut-level feeling/concern that you, at some very subtle level, *want* to see her/engage her again. Part of this may come from the fact that your relationship with her H is not actually over, and part of it comes from the fact that you continue to villify/blame her for his issues. Your head is just NOT in a good place about him OR her. If your job requires that you go, do you have a male, platonic friend who could go as your escort to the dinner? That might help you somewhat. I would suggest that you don't seek out your MM/W to re-introduce yourself at the dinner. I would not approach them for any reason (because of where your head is at about them), but if it becomes NECESSARY for you to engage them, try to pretend that they are just two strangers in the next seat on the bus. And btw, good luck. May you have an abundance of wisdom.
nadiaj2727 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Maybe I missed it, but how important is this business dinner? If you haven't seen her for 13 years then it doesn't seem to me like it's that important or regular for everyone at your job and their spouses to get together for business dinners. As someone else who's BTDT I'm wondering if not showing up to this business function would really be such a career-ending move like some people seem to think it would be, or is it more just that part of you wants to see xOM, and/or xOM and his wife together to judge how things are going? Does part of you crave the drama? I'm just wondering. As far as my advice goes, don't go to this dinner if you don't absolutely have to. Stay away from this guy and his wife. Don't have lunch with him unless you want to continue the affair and all the drama that goes with it. I like jwi's suggestion to look for a new job. Again I've BTDT and the only way I broke free from the drama was to change my job and start over. There is nothing good that can come out of being an OW at the office. I say get yourself out of there. Good luck.
Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 . . . Men lie to get pity pu$$y. . . ROFLMHO! I've never heard it called that, but HOW TRUE!!! As an added word of caution, I had a good friend who recently lost her high-position job of many years, because her MM's wife got wind of the affair and created quite a stir about it at the job. Many employers don't condone that sort of thing, so for the sake of your career, you need to either end it, or be *very* cautious.
OldEurope Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Unbelievable harshness here, and cyncism. It was difficult to get past the first two pages of this thread. You should absolutely go to the dinner. Don't alter your life (and necessary career events) in ways that futher emphasize your "victimhood"/guilt. Do not let him/"them have this kind of power over you. Go, be gracious, classy and beautiful and very very serious, quiet. Observe everything and just sort of hang back. Do not sit at the same table--if poassible fiind another table and say to someone, "I feel a little ill and may need a quick get away, would you mind swapping". Or something like this. He entered the affair as you did, he should "hide his head in the sand" if you will, not "just" you. If you do have to meet her for whatever reason, do not be all charm and smiles, be grave and serious (not mysterious, that is). My point is to emphasize your maturity, that while you regret what you have done, you will not hide your life or your life's advancement because of it. OE
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 ROFLMHO! I've never heard it called that, but HOW TRUE!!! FOG. LOL! and you wouldn't believe who called it that... My exH when he got busted. This is what he called it. That he was getting "pity pu$$y" from his OW because he was going to her playing victim. What a guy I'd tell ya!
OldEurope Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Unbelievable harshness here, and cyncism. It was difficult to get past the first two pages of this thread. You should absolutely go to the dinner. Don't alter your life (and necessary career events) in ways that futher emphasize your "victimhood"/guilt. Do not let him/them have this kind of power over you. Go, be gracious, classy and beautiful and very very serious, quiet. Observe everything and just sort of hang back. Do not sit at the same table--if possible find another table and say to someone, "I feel a little ill and may need a quick get away, would you mind swapping tables?" or something like this. He entered the affair every step of the way as much as you did. If anyone should "hide his head in the sand" he should, not "just" you. If you do have to meet her for whatever reason, do not be all charm and smiles, be grave and serious (not remote and mysterious, that is). My point here is that you emphasize your maturity; that while you regret what you have done, you will not hide your life or hinder your life's advancement because of it. OE Just cleaned up some typos and syntax in this post I wrote, could not edit in time....OE
2sunny Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 maybe if you're lucky - your MM will be the one to bow out... HE should, not you. do not give him that much power. if you say you've ended it - act like it. no communication except STRICTLY for business. he shouldn't be privy to anything personal about your life any longer - especially your feelings about anything or anyone.
awkward Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I voted that she should not go to the dinner party unless it is crucial to her career. 1) She is still in love with him. 2) She still believes the stories he told her. 3) She blames his wife. I don't think she is ready to see them interact as husband and wife. I think it will cause her incredible pain. If she could move on from the EA then it might be easier for her to handle but right now she is still in it at least on her side. I'm not even sure if MM is aware that she is still in love with him since she was the one who encouraged him to bring his BW to the dinner party. However, many that have BTDT suggest she goes so maybe she will be fine if she goes. FTR, I didn't vote about the lunch earlier but I vote NO on the lunch too.
jj33 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 JW you know I love and respect ya but I gots to defend my patch here If she already went to the dinner then good. If not then she MUST go. The anticipation is far worse than the event. If its job related and it helps her career to go you put on your big girl pants and you go. I did handle meeting the W soon after it was over - I was nervous but polite. I dont think hes her boss. But she hasnt said so who knows. I do know he CAN affect her and vice versa. (agree) Its why agree that its about how they act at the dinner but she is in control of herself. If its necessary to go, you go. I suspect it is a work dinner for colleagues (you dont bow out of that) or it is a client dinner (again you dont bow out). this is what separates the women from the girls. You do what you have to do. If its optoinal then dont go, but I suspect its not optional from OPs initial post. Now if the lunch is between the 2 of you, DO NOT GO. He has nothing of interest to say to you. You know hes still married
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 JW you know I love and respect ya but I gots to defend my patch here If she already went to the dinner then good. If not then she MUST go. The anticipation is far worse than the event. If its job related and it helps her career to go you put on your big girl pants and you go. I did handle meeting the W soon after it was over - I was nervous but polite. I dont think hes her boss. But she hasnt said so who knows. I do know he CAN affect her and vice versa. (agree) Its why agree that its about how they act at the dinner but she is in control of herself. If its necessary to go, you go. I suspect it is a work dinner for colleagues (you dont bow out of that) or it is a client dinner (again you dont bow out). this is what separates the women from the girls. You do what you have to do. If its optoinal then dont go, but I suspect its not optional from OPs initial post. Now if the lunch is between the 2 of you, DO NOT GO. He has nothing of interest to say to you. You know hes still married --------------------- I agree JJ .. Going to the business dinner, is the responsible professional thing to do .. I am sorry - but those on here who advise her to dodge it: Have you ever known responsibility, or are you the type who takes a sick day off - for minute reasons.
Author naturegirl Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Thank you all so much for your kind, caring and thoughtful responses. After last night, I thought more about the current state of my emotions and whether I was having an EA or trying to be friends. I honestly don't know. I have been honest about the fact that I do still love this man but I do not see a future with him and I am trying to move on with my life. It is difficult working for the same company. I simply love my job and my career is on track and everything is great there. I have this 15 year history with him and only 5 months of that was in a PA. We slept together one weekend and I ended things. We talked about the guilt and our feelings and have not ventured into a physical relationship since. But we have talked a lot about our feelings and maybe I am really needing to believe that his is being honest, but I do believe him when he says he still is in love with me. of course I want to believe that. But I am not waiting for the divorce to happen and have him come running to me. I regret that. But I do enjoy his company and friendship and I do not want to let that go. I am okay with letting go of the love part, but never would I want to let go of the friendship I have shared with him. If anything, the post affair relationship has been even better than the pre affair relationship and I think that is because we genuinely care about each other. Is this all nuts? I have to go to the dinner. Without one darn good excuse, it would adversely affect my career and I can't afford that to happen. Furthermore, while I feel guilty for what I did to someone else's husband, I can't keep punishing myself for the rest of my life. So I will be uncomfortable, but I can put on my professional best and shoot the breeze with anyone and I can be warm and welcoming when we are introduced and I can look to exchange conversation with others. I can do this.
califnan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Yes You Can .. I Know you can. And furthermore your original post was that of asking for advise regarding attending the business dinner function .. Not the rest of it .. So glad that you are on the Right track Naturegirl .. and that you will attend Your business dinner function.
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