UGGGH my past is coming back to haunt me. .

[naturegirl]

Thanks, Califnan--Your're right... a great dress and hair can only help...as the meditation. You're a wise woman!

[jwi71]

Yeah, I did believe a cheater...hey, I said I was a stupid girl.

 

The best advice I can give you is DON'T GO.

 

Make up any excuse...sick, work, dead, kidnapped by space aliens...anything.

 

Because IF you go...you will SEE something that will will rip you asunder. (Booyah, I used the word asunder...I want bonus points thank you very much.)

 

Back to serious. You go, you will get a GLIMPSE of his life - and its PERFECT...trust me. I know you want to believe the lies. Its comforting. You DON'T want to see the truth 10 feet away.

 

So either YOU skip or HE does.

 

I don't want to have an affair or be with him. I love him, but having an affair was a terrible idea and I regret it a great deal.

 

Nope. Not buying it for one second.

And, you ARE having an A with him STILL - hence this thread. Or are you free to dial up his W and go to lunch...

 

You are NOT his friend. You can NEVER be his friend. That bridge was burned LONG ago. Not only that - but this isn't HEALTHY for you. I say this because friends don't need to post in OW support forums about meeting the W...

 

I do feel guilt and feel bad for his wife and as I stated, I would never want to be in her shoes. I think he was wrong for stepping out of his marriage and I was wrong for not stopping it. Trust me, I have suffered the consequences of this stupid decision.

 

No you haven't.

But if you go you MIGHT tip her off.

And then the suffering begins.

 

Don't go. Very little upside and TONS of downside.

[naturegirl]

you not only get bonus points for the use of the word, "asunder" but for speaking the truth in a compassionate manner.

 

You're right. We will never be the friends we were. I don't know what we are, but we are NOT having an affair, not seeing each other outside of work but there is something still there....residual pain.

 

I hadn't considered not going, but I'll think about it. I know as perfect as they may appear that night, it isn't. It can't be. Perfect couples do not have a spouse who cheated.. but it isn't my business what goes on in their life.

 

I am working on moving on with mine and finding constructive activities to fill my time but will admit that letting go has been a long and difficult process that I have not yet completed.

[califnan]

I think you should go Naturegirl. You have to get a glimpse of the reality of his life.. To see the two of them together is essential .. (He is probably more nervous about it than you are) ..

 

Seeing how the two interact, may be painful or uncomfortable - but in the long term, you need the visualization so that you can remove yourself and heal ..

[jj33]

Been there done that got the T shirt.

 

Dont seek her out. Dont seek him out. If you see them be polite. Nice to meet you. Then excuse yourself. When I met her I started blabbering for some reason but that was nerves.

 

Are you going to be seated at the same table for dinner? If so try to maneuver so you arent seated next to her. If its going to be you and her and just a few other people at the dinner so that all of you will be involved in the same conversations, just grit your teeth and do your best. Engage the people on either side of you in conversation rather than participating in a group conversation if you possibly can.

 

Remember he is not going to be any more comfortable about this then you will. Im sure this is his worst nightmare as well. After all nice as you are he doesnt know for sure that you wont go postal and blurt something out (some snide thinly veiled comment or something) Not that you would and make sure you dont but a part of him has to be worrying.

 

Just look your best, psych yourself before you go that this is a work thing and you have to sort of watch yourself as if you were a fly on the wall. Pretend you are acting. You might surprise yourself and have a decent time if you can get over the self conscious elements of the situation.

 

In my experience the anticipation is worse than the event.

 

Good luck you will get through this (and dont drink too much beforehand just enough to steel your nerves not so much that you get fuzzy). Poise elegance and grace are the watchwords of the evening.

 

You will be great!

 

Edited to add - serene that is the word I was looking for. Think serenity before you go. walk into the dinner serene and content. It will relax you and make you feel better about being there.

[lilagirl]

Hi naturegirl.

 

I have experienced this a few times. One time I got myself so worked up and thinking I was incapable of pulling it off. I have found that I quite like the BS. The night I was so fearful I couldn't handle it, I was put in a position to entertain her all night - and it was easy - except when she wld talk about their children, I fel very guilty. Also - when she says disrespectful things to my MM, I boil. Almost always though, she sees the love in our eyes. Our chemistry is undeniable by anyone around us. So watch your love eyes...

 

I guess I am saying to just let it happen. You may find your guilt unbearable, or you may learn you have allot in common with her... Don't worry too much until you are there, and the initial introductions are over with.

 

No inside jokes... That's when love eyes and smiles come out.

 

Good luck! Let us know how it goes

[jj33]

The other thing is dont bring a date unless you are really seeing someone. Why inject a faux date into the work dynamic? Also what if he engages her in a conversation you cant get out of? Better to go on your own be the mistress of your own destiny.

[naturegirl]

Thanks for the great advice. I came here for some support and I got more than I anticipated. I am sure all will go well. I will sit on the same side of the table as them, but at the opposite end so that there are many between us.

 

Califnan--why do you think it is so important for me to see them together? I don't understand. Will it help me see her as a human or will it make me feel more guilty or make me angry and move on?

[whichwayisup]

I stated my opinion about the BS based on 15 years of hearing about her behavior towards him and their child. I am aware that I have heard only one side of the story and her side of the story hasn't been told but I don't have any reason not to believe what I was told. There was no motivation to lie to me for the past 15 years as neither of us were intimate at the time. But you're both right in that I did form that opinion/judgment based on what I was told.

 

Respectfully I say this.....

 

You trust fully, a married man, with a child, who has no courage to divorce his wife, who is cold, abusive and mean to him and their son. The same man who said vows, infront of family, friends, inlaws, coworkers, extended family. A man who built a life with his wife, created a child with her. So, all the meanwhile for many years he's been lying to her, cheating, betraying her, betraying the family unit as one - Yet you think he has NEVER lied or omitted the truth from you? Yes, you are hearing ONE side of this. His and I'm sure he's greatly exaggerated things to suit him best, to make you feel sympathy for him. I doubt very much she's that cold. 15+ years and he hasn't left her. He still sleeps in her bed, they do family things together, go on trips, see family, live life.

 

He has told you lies, not malicously, but selfishly. To keep you "into" him and thinking he's the perfect one. He's the good man, who lives a miserable life at home with his wife, if only he had the strength to leave... But, his child keeps him there....

 

A MAN who wants out of his marriage, kids or not, WILL leave and divorce. Not because of someone else, but because they dont' want to be married anymore. Same goes with a woman who is married. If someone truly wants out, they'll get divorced.

 

You are choosing to believe him. Choosing to believe a man who lies to his wife daily. A man who has sex with you, then goes home and has sex with him wife... (My guess is, he's told you he and his wife haven't had sex in years, nor do they sleep in the same bed, or something along those lines..), A man who is good at lying, I'm betting his wife has NO clue about the A.

 

You have judged his wife. Taken his side, believed all that he's told you. There's 3 sides to every story. His side, her side and the actual truth.

 

What if his wife is nice and sweet? Seems genuine, and many of his coworkers enjoy her company. I bet you'll think she is putting on a big act, he'll probably encourage you to believe that.

 

Anyway, if you feel that weird about it, don't go. Do you want her to find out? Are you hoping that she'll find out, kick him out so he'll be with you? I'm just wondering where your head is at here.

[whichwayisup]

why do you think it is so important for me to see them together? I don't understand. Will it help me see her as a human or will it make me feel more guilty or make me angry and move on?

 

Fact you need to ask this, just shows that you have blinders on and have been roped/fooled big time by your MM.

 

HIS wife is a living, breathing woman. The woman who carried his child for 9 months, the woman he married and still sleeps next to.

 

You should see them together, it'll wake you up and give you a big reality check that he has a life with her, not you. It should hurt you, it should make you feel bad. It should make you stop and think about whether or not you want to continue being the OW, helping him destroy his family. If you feel guilty and bad for it, once you meet her, speak to her, that is a GOOD THING!! If you don't feel bad, don't feel guilty, don't question what you're doing, then whatever happens, consquences down the road later on will ruin YOU.

 

I hope this makes sense.

[jj33]

If you dont need to sit near them and wont have to engage in conversation you will be fine. Just keep it brief with them before they are seated.

 

I dont see any real value in you seeing them together. You know hes married. You know hes not leaving. It doesnt matter how they are together. Its the past.

 

No matter HOW they are together you can spend the next 6 years speculating on what it meant if you focus on it (if they are great together you can wonder was it real, was she or they putting on an act? If shes really awful shes confirmed what you thought... ) The possibilities are endless.

 

The bottom line is no matter how they are together, hes staying put.

 

The important thing is that you dont have to engage with them at dinner. That alone should give you some confidence about the evening. And dont worry about hearing about the family. Its very possible that their family life will come up during dinner but that is just how it goes. You are no longer involved with him. Wish them well and be happy if they are happy. Hes not leaving so if you love this man, then at least you can feel that he has made a good decision because he has found a way to be happy despite whatever he may have told you. Make lemonade of the lemons!

[naturegirl]

Quoted: Do you want her to find out? Are you hoping that she'll find out, kick him out so he'll be with you? I'm just wondering where your head is at here.

 

No, I do not want her to find out. I do not want to cause her any pain or hurt.

 

I don't want him to be found out so that he can come to me. I do not want to be with him. I think that if everything was as he said, he is a coward for not leaving, a coward for not telling her how he feels and a coward for not taking steps to fix what was allegedly wrong with his relationship and instead stepping out of his marriage.

 

I am not bitter about what happened and I take responsibility for my role in it. I just see things more clearly now, but I am not completely healed yet. I still have residual feelings for him but I am working on it.

[whichwayisup]

Do you have a physical reaction when you see him? If so, it's going to be very hard to hide that, especially if he acts nervous at the same time. She could clue in very quickly.

 

I like someone else's idea, don't go. If you aren't ready to face this, don't go. Call in sick or say there's a family emergency. It won't be the end of the world if you miss this function.

[naturegirl]

ok. I don't think I have a physical reaction or love eyes when I am with him.

 

I have another question here. I was going to have lunch with him this week and I think the topic will come up. I was not going to talk to him about how I was feeling inside because I didn't want to cause him to be even more nervous.

 

He initially was not going to invite her but I encouraged it because I heard that the person who planned the party was very adamant about spouses coming and I didn't want this to have an adverse impact on his career.

 

I thought I could put my feelings aside for the greater good of his career. But I sacraficed my own feelings once again. stupid girl.

 

What should I do? Should I tell him I am freaking out or just play it cool?

[jwi71]

Do you have a physical reaction when you see him? If so, it's going to be very hard to hide that, especially if he acts nervous at the same time. She could clue in very quickly.

 

I like someone else's idea, don't go. If you aren't ready to face this, don't go. Call in sick or say there's a family emergency. It won't be the end of the world if you miss this function.

 

Bingo.

 

Going has FAR more downside than up.

What do you gain by going?

Compare that to possible (likely?) outcomes.

 

Being gentle (I can be gentle don't look so damn surprised)...you are in denial still. Those lies you were fed...just that, lies.

 

Read WWIU's post. Take a breath. Detach. Read again.

 

Because when you go (if you go), every illusion will be shattered. And I don't think you can handle it just yet - not from your previous posts. The shock, the surprise, the hurt, the betrayal, the ANGER. Hard to hide it because you're human.

 

Now couple this with a decidedly nervous MM. And a W who likely has all the same perceptive intuitions all you crazy women (Did I just repeat myself...sorry ) have. She MIGHT put two and two together. His behavior towards you WILL be different. Do you really want to risk his W detecting it? Do you want her to put on her Sherlock Holmes outfit and start digging?

 

The downside risk is crazy dangerous.

And for what? Dinner?

 

Part of you still holds on. Still wants. Still believes. You can't heal with him around. That is continuning the A in my book...especially since the W doesn't know you (I guess)...you know where I'm going with this...

 

That's another cost of the A. There are more but you haven't realized them yet...

 

Again, don't go. Dinner ain't worth it.

[naturegirl]

oh man. A whole new wave of sadness has set in. I thought I was so strong and was making such great progress with moving on and now I just feel stupid and used all over again.

 

I am not going to go.

[califnan]

 

Califnan--why do you think it is so important for me to see them together? I don't understand. Will it help me see her as a human or will it make me feel more guilty or make me angry and move on?

 

--------------------

 

When I posted that, I thought the two of you were still together, Naturegirl.. Then after re-reading your beginning post - I noticed that you are now just friends.

 

If what you are feeling for the MM is more than just friendship - then I think it is good for you to see the two of them together.. I think it can be sobering - and an indication of what the marriage is in reality - rather than seeing or imagining the marriage through just him ..

[califnan]

I hand it to you that you had broken it off with him, have no physical reaction to him, and are keeping it a friendship working relationship..

 

Don't give into this - or what it was ... Show up - Especially if you part of the staff who are expected.

[whichwayisup]

ok. I don't think I have a physical reaction or love eyes when I am with him.

 

I have another question here. I was going to have lunch with him this week and I think the topic will come up. I was not going to talk to him about how I was feeling inside because I didn't want to cause him to be even more nervous.

 

He initially was not going to invite her but I encouraged it because I heard that the person who planned the party was very adamant about spouses coming and I didn't want this to have an adverse impact on his career.

 

I thought I could put my feelings aside for the greater good of his career. But I sacraficed my own feelings once again. stupid girl.

 

What should I do? Should I tell him I am freaking out or just play it cool?

You need to back off and not do lunch, dinner, coffee or anything with him. You two had an affair. You still have feelings, he probably still has some too. Lunch is a bad idea, spending ANY time with him alone on a personal level only keeps the feelings alive. The A may be over, but you're still getting something from him, whether it be an emotional feed, or a heart flutter once in a while.

 

You don't owe him ANY explanation. Just cancel lunch and say you're busy.

 

Another thing, don't take responsibility for his part in this. You own yours he can own his. He certainly isn't putting your feelings before his own.

[2sunny]

I stated my opinion about the BS based on 15 years of hearing about her behavior towards him and their child. I am aware that I have heard only one side of the story and her side of the story hasn't been told but I don't have any reason not to believe what I was told. There was no motivation to lie to me for the past 15 years as neither of us were intimate at the time. But you're both right in that I did form that opinion/judgment based on what I was told.

 

so what you have is HIS opinion and words designed to have you sympathize with his perspective. HE still chose to participate in this relationship all those years so it couldn't be as bad as he paints the picture. there must be some love and affection for him to stay. HE has to own half that relationship - at least. unless he's a coward...

 

for you? show up, smile, be polite and say the least possible amount about yourself through the whole evening. that's right. BE engaging - to everyone around you. listen to what they say. make THEM feel important by asking questions about their experiences and then having conversations designed to allow them to do most of the talking by being truly interested.

 

talk about where folks live, do they have kids, where have they vacationed or how do they plan to spend their summer? these are safe topics designed to stay away from controversy and allow them to feel important. it takes little effort - just an interested conversationalist. make it about all the people around you so you do not only target MM and/or his wife. be genuinely engaging.

[2sunny]

oh man. A whole new wave of sadness has set in. I thought I was so strong and was making such great progress with moving on and now I just feel stupid and used all over again.

 

I am not going to go.

 

you should go but,

 

you should also find a new job so you can really break it off with him instead of pretending like you did. you still participate on a very personal level - keep it only to business.

 

stop the one on one meetings, conversations, phone calls and lunch - this is still technically cheating.

 

do not allow him to talk about his personal life with you - this is disrespectful to his wife and marriage - that should be private and between them only.

 

in other words - set some boundaries - boundaries that will bring you growth in a direction that keep you happy, healthy and safe.

 

start setting yourself up to take care of YOU and YOR best interest - no one else is going to do this for you... you need to do it for you. get going - you deserve more/better than waiting around for MM to pay attention to you every once in a while. start living!

[norajane]

oh man. A whole new wave of sadness has set in. I thought I was so strong and was making such great progress with moving on and now I just feel stupid and used all over again.

 

I am not going to go.

 

Well, don't let this affair continue to screw up your life by affecting your career, too. Don't continue to make choices based on this affair. He and his wife aren't the only people who will be there.

 

This is a work function - you get your ass there and you smile and you make small talk with your boss and his/her spouse, and you graciously thank your hosts for their hospitality.

 

Don't hide from your job and the social functions that go along with it.

 

This is a consequence of choosing to get into the affair in the first place. Now that it's over, you have to face this consequence because you can't let the affair impact you forever, and you sure as hell can't afford to look like you don't give a crap about your company and whoever is hosting this dinner.

[Trimmer]

I think this has been mentioned, but ever since you casually mentioned that you were having lunch with him this week, my reaction was: I would be more concerned about the implications of what that lunch means.

 

On one hand you say it's over, but on the other hand, you say it makes you want to throw up, and you are decidedly more relaxed about going out to lunch (I assume alone, together?) than you are about seeing him "in the wild", in what really will be a somewhat protected environment: you can just act "in character" as the person you are as an employee and coworker, just like you do all day at work. Kinda like norajane said above - you go as a part of your job, and you play the part.

 

Anyway, something about that seems, if not backwards, exactly... kinda skewed. If you really intend for it to be over, shouldn't you be avoiding lunch dates alone at all costs?

[awkward]

I am not going to go.

 

Unless this dinner is mandatory and will put your career in jeopardy if you don't attend, I hope you don't change your mind.

 

I thought I would reintroduce myself to her (haven't seen her in 13 years since we threw a party for the birth of their child and she announced to everyone that she can understand how people abuse their children....the baby was 3 months old at the time.....)

 

On one hand, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her because for the 15 years that I have been friends with this man, she has been a cold and unloving spouse.

 

Take the affair goggles off. Do you on the other hand think of him as a great father because he stays in a "bad marriage" for the sake of his child? I'm sure if there was some list out there that we could google on what makes a great father, him choosing to have an affair and stay in a bad marriage wouldn't be on that list.

 

Seeing them together as husband and wife might be a good thing if you were ready to believe that he might have lied to you about their relationship. You aren't there yet.

 

Do not go to this dinner party. It will cause you pain. I repeat, DO NOT GO!

[Just a stone's throw]

you should go but,

 

you should also find a new job so you can really break it off with him instead of pretending like you did. you still participate on a very personal level - keep it only to business.

 

stop the one on one meetings, conversations, phone calls and lunch - this is still technically cheating.

 

do not allow him to talk about his personal life with you - this is disrespectful to his wife and marriage - that should be private and between them only.

 

in other words - set some boundaries - boundaries that will bring you growth in a direction that keep you happy, healthy and safe.

 

start setting yourself up to take care of YOU and YOR best interest - no one else is going to do this for you... you need to do it for you. get going - you deserve more/better than waiting around for MM to pay attention to you every once in a while. start living!

 

 

I agree with 2Sunny and with Nan - I too think this is important to your career and this will not be the only thing that will test your ability to function in a stressful situation and you should step up to it. Get it over with, the first step is a doozy! But after that, when the situation maybe even tougher, you'll have this "social" one under your belt.

 

I think, as Nan suggested it is good for you to see them as a couple. To understand visually that she is not some crazy mean person that he is forced to stay with. This is his choice and he loves her enough to stay. You have to see this and understand this. I say this with the understanding that my day too is coming to see and understand this with exMM in my situation. I know the first time will be tough but from then on I will be okay.

 

I also agree, you need to stop the lunches and the non-essential contact with exMM. Not good, not helpful and it only gives you an illusion that you are getting over him.

 

If it's not possible/probable to find a new job then just set clear boundaries for what's appropriate and stick to them. If you must, in your head treat him as an admirer. A married admirer who you work with. It's okay to be admired by someone but just smile and say thanks for the compliment now I'm moving on.

 

Go to the dinner. Look nice, but not slutty. Professional and I like the "Serene" suggestion. A little alcohol to take the edge off then switch to a lighter refreshment but always have a drink in your hand to give you something to focus on. Eat small portions (if you feel you can eat much at all) and look like you're enjoying yourself.

 

Fake it til you make it.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

 

JAST