naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I need some advice. I had an emotional affair with a married man that turned physical but we ended the relationship and remain friends and work for the same company. We see and talk to each other every day, but have kept things from crossing any boundaries. We have spoken about how we are still in love with each other but he is unable to ask for a divorce because he doesn't want to hurt his child. Long story short, I am attending a couples work function. He is coming with his wife and I am freaking out a little...well a lot. I don't know how I will get through a dinner and exchange nicities with someone whose husband I slept with. I am a mixed bag of emotions about this. On one hand, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her because for the 15 years that I have been friends with this man, she has been a cold and unloving spouse. On the other hand, I allowed myself to sleep with someone who was committed to another person and I have a lot of guilt over that fact. Any advice on how to get me through this mandatory function? Thanks for all of your replies.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Any advice on how to get me through this mandatory function? yeah, just stay on the other side of the room and don't have any contact with him/her
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 It's a pretty small group and it's a sit down dinner. I too was thinking of sitting at the other end of the table and just trying to enjoy the evening. But in all honesty, I think I want to throw up. I don't want to be a coward about this and I can imagine that he is feeling just as sick about it. We are having lunch this week and I'm guessing we will talk about it. I'm probably just feeling a wave of guilt over the choices I made and how I wouldn't ever want to be in the wife's position.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 are you taking a date? that will help calm anxieties cause you can concentrate on him. if you don't have a date just grab some hobo off the street and clean him up a bit, he could probably use a good meal
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 No, I am not taking a date. Sadly, I am still very much in love with the MM. I thought about bringing someone. Maybe I will sweep the streets and see if I can get lucky.
witabix Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 are you taking a date? that will help calm anxieties cause you can concentrate on him. if you don't have a date just grab some hobo off the street and clean him up a bit, he could probably use a good meal Alpha, good old solid advice there. Or you could go in disguise, wear a Japanese Admiral's uniform and introduce yourself as Admiral Yoshimoto? Never know it may work. You shouldn't a dunnit.... you have to live with it unfortunately, I don't think you are going to get much sympathy here. Just bite the bullet and leave as soon as you can, headache or some such thing.
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 First, it's not right for you to say that for 15 years she treated him coldly. No matter what he tells you, you are not in their marital home (or bed), so you have absolutely no way of knowing for sure. She's been with a man for 15 years who's cheated on her at least once, so give her a little more respect, please. Second, I'm sorry and it sucks, but running into the spouse of a coworker you slept with is part and parcel of having an affair in the workplace. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Either find yourself with a bout of food poisoning that evening, or put on your big girl panties and suck it up.
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 but I thought this WAS the forum to get some sympathy and support for those of us on the other side. But I guess there is no sympathy for a stupid girl who followed her heart and ignored her head. bummer.
carhill Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 OP, if you don't take a date, focus on other guests and social interactions. The evening will pass quickly and it will be over. You can expect him to have similar feelings/anxieties. You can pretty well trust that he won't be introducing his wife to you. Have you considered making some work changes to end contact and heal from this? Lot of years of heartache ahead if you don't. BTDT. Good luck
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 What was it you were looking for someone to say? Were you thinking you ultimately wouldn't have to be responsible for your actions? I'm sorry to be harsh, I really am. But the situation is what it is. Either find a way out of the event or figure out a way to deal with it.
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 tough crowd. Thank God JThorne posted her comments with so much wisdom, insight and JUDGEMENT. Gheesh
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 tough crowd. Thank God JThorne posted her comments with so much wisdom, insight and JUDGEMENT. Gheesh Correct! As carhill said, BTDT.
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 wow-yet another amazingly helpful comment from JThorne. Are you the BS that has come to this forum to take revenge on all OW and tell them what a piece of **** they are? Just curious. Instead of getting defensive, I will just say that I have taken responsibility for my actions. I ended things and yes I completely understand that this is going to suck and I just have to deal with it and had I not had an affair this would never have happened. I get that.
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 May I ask a question? Did you in previous post say that you didn't feel sorry for the BS because she had been cold for 15 years? Is that not judgement and a choice about how you would not show her sympathy? How is what you did any different than JT stating her opinion about you? Didn't you just state your opinion about the BS?
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 LOL. I am far from a BS. I am someone who regretably had an A and had to once be in the same room with the BS. The guilt I felt was exactly what I deserved for banging her husband. Who, by the way, told me he was soooo miserable because they were so ill suited toward each other. Yet at the time, they had been married over 10 years. Like I said, BTDT. It sucks, sure. But it is what it is.
carhill Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Another tip. Dress (smart and conservative would be my suggestion) and carry yourself like you own the room, but do not single MM out for inclusion or exclusion. He is one guest of many. Include all comers. Head up, eyes surveying the room, smile. Life is imperfect. The dinner is merely a focal point of imperfection. It'll all work out
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I stated my opinion about the BS based on 15 years of hearing about her behavior towards him and their child. I am aware that I have heard only one side of the story and her side of the story hasn't been told but I don't have any reason not to believe what I was told. There was no motivation to lie to me for the past 15 years as neither of us were intimate at the time. But you're both right in that I did form that opinion/judgment based on what I was told.
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 ok. JThorne--thank you for what I will now consider, "tough love" for me. Carhill-thank you. I read the post about no contact and it is right on point. I have thought about looking for other work. I love my job and everyone I work with but seeing and interacting with him is excrutiating. Especially when you are trying to put on a smile when you are dying inside. I also liked your advice about being more confident. A very good reminder. I will suck it up and where my big girl panties. Thanks everyone.
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Again, I'm sorry to be harsh. But you know, feeling guilt is good. It means you have empathy and the capacity to learn from your mistakes. It also means you might think twice before getting into that situation again. Try to look at it as a learning experience. Take carhill's advice. You'll get through it.
fooled once Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 wow-yet another amazingly helpful comment from JThorne. Are you the BS that has come to this forum to take revenge on all OW and tell them what a piece of **** they are? Just curious. Instead of getting defensive, I will just say that I have taken responsibility for my actions. I ended things and yes I completely understand that this is going to suck and I just have to deal with it and had I not had an affair this would never have happened. I get that. That was extremely uncalled for. Own what you did. Suck it up. YOU chose to sleep with someone else's husband. OWN it and suffer the consequences. Or, tell her what you have been doing. It is obvious you want more from him and you don't want it to be 'over'. So either go for what you want or not. I stated my opinion about the BS based on 15 years of hearing about her behavior towards him and their child. I am aware that I have heard only one side of the story and her side of the story hasn't been told but I don't have any reason not to believe what I was told. There was no motivation to lie to me for the past 15 years as neither of us were intimate at the time. But you're both right in that I did form that opinion/judgment based on what I was told. LOL Yes, believe the cheater. That is good. How do you not know that he wasn't abusive to her? How do you know how he treated her? It is NOT all her fault and it definitely isn't her fault he chose to cheat. No reason to not believe him? How about he is a liar? You don't want to be judged so don't judge others. And Jthorne is a former OW -- not a BS. Just because you don't like her response is no reason to start throwing stones at her. She told you her VIEW - and you can take it or leave it. And no, i am not a former BS either. Own what you did - and now deal with the consequences.
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Yeah, I did believe a cheater...hey, I said I was a stupid girl. I don't want to have an affair or be with him. I love him, but having an affair was a terrible idea and I regret it a great deal. I do feel guilt and feel bad for his wife and as I stated, I would never want to be in her shoes. I think he was wrong for stepping out of his marriage and I was wrong for not stopping it. Trust me, I have suffered the consequences of this stupid decision.
jthorne Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Thanks Bent and FO for the support. I was a "stupid girl" too once. I probably should have made that clear in my original post so you would know where I was coming from. However, I've moved past the A, paid my alms, learned my lesson. Frankly, I don't like discussing it. Regardless, I think you get the point. Sometimes, you just gotta take your lumps. It's just one function on one day of many. Look at it as a character building experience, and be done with it.
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I need some advice. I had an emotional affair with a married man that turned physical but we ended the relationship and remain friends and work for the same company. We see and talk to each other every day, but have kept things from crossing any boundaries. We have spoken about how we are still in love with each other but he is unable to ask for a divorce because he doesn't want to hurt his child. Long story short, I am attending a couples work function. He is coming with his wife and I am freaking out a little...well a lot. I don't know how I will get through a dinner and exchange nicities with someone whose husband I slept with. I am a mixed bag of emotions about this. On one hand, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her because for the 15 years that I have been friends with this man, she has been a cold and unloving spouse. On the other hand, I allowed myself to sleep with someone who was committed to another person and I have a lot of guilt over that fact. Any advice on how to get me through this mandatory function? Thanks for all of your replies. ------------------- Yes honey, take it as an inexpensive learning experience - second only to LS. I know you probably already know to put your best foot forward appearance-wise.. Plan ahead as to who you will hang out with (hang onto) .. If I am right, he will pleasantly acknowledge you - while doing everything he can to be attentive to his wife, and make her feel comfortable.. After you get through the event - meditate on: Is this the man that I wish to give my emotions to ..
Author naturegirl Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Thanks. I thought about how seeing him with her would make me feel, but I decided that I don't have the right to feel hurt or jealous--he's not mine. I am not entitled to those emotions. I don't want to be fake, but I do want her to feel comfortable. I thought I would reintroduce myself to her (haven't seen her in 13 years since we threw a party for the birth of their child and she announced to everyone that she can understand how people abuse their children....the baby was 3 months old at the time.....) anyways, I plan to be courteous and not ignore them but focus my attention on others whom I know well and enjoy being with.
califnan Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Thanks. I thought about how seeing him with her would make me feel, but I decided that I don't have the right to feel hurt or jealous--he's not mine. I am not entitled to those emotions. I don't want to be fake, but I do want her to feel comfortable. I thought I would reintroduce myself to her (haven't seen her in 13 years since we threw a party for the birth of their child and she announced to everyone that she can understand how people abuse their children....the baby was 3 months old at the time.....) anyways, I plan to be courteous and not ignore them but focus my attention on others whom I know well and enjoy being with. ------------------ Naturegirl... Sounds like you are Already on top of things .. now get yourself a great dress (if you don't have it) .. hair .. etc .. for confidence..
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