FarmGirl Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) A little about me: small town girl, pastor's daughter, outdoorsy, horseback rider, etc. Got married at 18 because I was pregnant. I loved him the best my 18 year old self could. We lived in the country, raised AQHA/ paint horses, chickens, had a garden, camped, fished, hiked, he hunted & I helped cut & wrap. Eventually we had 2 sons together. They're now 19 & 21. XH had a rough family life growing up & he did not put the family first. A lot of my marriage I was lonely, but we had a great sex life and H was never mean or unkind - just oblivious to my loneliness. We split after 10 years of marriage because while he was working overtime and hunting all the time, I had an online EA which developed into me leaving H to go be *happily ever after* with the OM. This was 1998 - our first computer on the internet... H & I ended up getting back together & he found letters from the OM. H lost it and we went thru a lot, but decided to work things out. In my defense...I had moved across state & demanded a divorce before I turned the EA into a PA. But to the H it was heartbreaking no matter what the circumstances (rightly so). We went to MC & I continued contact with the OM (no more sex tho) for selfish reasons. I halfheartedly tried to ditch the OM but was always too wussy about it (boundary thing!). H never knew about continued contact with OM but our marriage continued to falter. Eventually H got tangled up with my then best friend. She was a manipulative person and twisted our words against each other (he said, she said) and we ended up splitting. Meanwhile selfish little me is still carrying on an EA with the OM (sigh). H & his OW lived together awhile & I flew off to spend time with the OM. Meanwhile the kids are sad, but doing ok... We resolved to get along as long as H didn't bring his GF when he picked up the kids hehe Visitation was as much time as H wanted as long as he let me know first...so it was pretty friendly all in all. OM & I spent some time together but never lived together as he was from England & our time was short together mostly. Eventually OM raped me (he had been showing his true colors for awhile) & I sent him packing back home. I should have had him arrested, but knowing my mom she would have used it against me somehow lol. Fast forward a bit to me meeting current SO. H & I finally became XH & XW amicably. My XH & I have stayed good friends. He helps on our farm sometimes. This winter my dad was very ill & XH drove 22 miles a day out of his way to feed the animals for us for MONTHS. I can't get my current SO to even visit the farm w/o a fight lol. My predicament now...Link to story here! Interestingly what brought this post about today was watching a John Wayne movie (McClintock if you're curious)... I realized how much of myself I've just given up on since SO & I got together. I used to ride horses twice a day. Every day. I camped for weeks on end every year. I was outdoorsy and healthy and happy. Over the years as SO & I's relationship evolved I've gotten so far from my roots. I haven't camped since my XH & I were together. Same for riding horses. I had my 1st horse at 6. That hurts to think about! We bought this damn house in the city where we live...it's in the hottest zip in the state. In 2006 when I bought it I thought that was important. I have a nice (broken down lol) car. I had a great job in the movie industry. I had everything I thought I wanted, but nothing I really needed. I went through this huge stupid phase where I thought that money did = happiness. It's so cliche and so easy to see from the outside... Who stole the real me I wonder? LOL I miss: No curtains on my windows. Slipping my hands up under the horses manes when it's cold out. Pure unadulterated country quiet Sleeping out of doors Cooking over an open fire (no a gas bbq doesn't count) Hanging laundry on the line Fresh eggs for breakfast (finally got him to let me have city chooks) Watching western movies with the kids Getting dirty Soaking my feet in the creek Swimming naked in the creek, lakes, etc Going on berry picking picnics You know, all those things that used to make me who I was...gone in the blink of an eye so I could fit the ideal of some city dwelling computer jockey. I hate myself for it. Looking back at how incredibly selfish I was it just makes me sick at all I've thrown away or given up because of bad decisions I made. If I could just caution others who are in potential EAs while in a pretty good marriage...don't do something that will still disturb your life 12 years later. Trust me. I'm excited right now as my future is unfolding ahead of me, that I may just have my head on right for the first time in many, many years. That is all (for now)... Thanks for reading along Edited May 18, 2010 by FarmGirl typo lol
Fouts Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Is creating this thread part of a step program for you or something?
BiAxident Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I'm excited right now as my future is unfolding ahead of me, that I may just have my head on right for the first time in many, many years. It is good to hear that, after all of that, you are still able to retain excitement regarding your future. As for the moments of distress, being a pastor's daughter, perhaps faith can help you light your path?
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