Qcgirl Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hi everyone, sorry in advance for possible mistakes in English, I'm French from Montreal ... I have a lot to say, a lot of questions too. First of all, here is my situation. I'm 33, he's 45. We have a baby girl of 6 months. I have also two boys from a previous marriage (that lasted 13 years with a British), 4 and 7 y.o. We have them all week except 3 week-ends on 4. We met on the internet as friends in October 2008, and it clicked straight away when we saw each other after talking about 2-3 hours around a bear. He seemed intelligent (he has a Master in Maths and tried 2 Doctorats in Maths), spiritual, in contact with reality, humble, sociable, etc. Everything went very fast from then on. I became pregnant even before moving in with him (it was planned ...). He had no children with his previous (and numerous) girlfriends, saying that he had not found the right girl ... So, wow! I was the one! I felt lucky and privileged, right! So anyway, here is the problem. He is the kind of guy who has been brought up by two parents yes, ok, but with values such as ''sex is different from love, it's ok to have lots of sex with anyone, prostitues included, because they are offering a service like any other therapist (massage therap. etc) , (so you understand here that he did use prostitutes, between 10 and 100, he does not want to tell me or says he doesn't remember, it's not important, to satisfy himself in a period of time where he did not have much time, and did not want any commitment where the girl asks ''Do you love me?'' and etc), he thinks the majority of couples break up because of a lack of sex, sex has been controlled by religion and that's why we 'panik' when confronted with infidelity, open couples, sex, sex, sex!!! You see it's very important in his life, he is a very hypersexual man. He was masturbating 2 times a day until we met, he has been to nude clubs hundreds of time in his life (with his father also, who was a man that cheated on his wife many times), he has porn web sites, magazines, books, he had sex conversations with lots of girls on internet, he has been to sex (?) clubs in the past with one girlfriend especially where they were experimenting sex with others or together in different rooms, etc., he's had many girlfriends and lovers and onenights, he keeps contact with lots of them (as friends he says ... I hope for him!), he is always on the net, for his job, ok, but his computer is locked, I cannot surprise him because he has plenty of time to close his windows when I come down the stairs, he believes that the truth should not be told to the woman because it can hurt her and destroy the relationship for something that has no value to his eyes ... What else?!?! Oh, and the house we live in? It's his parent's house that he has always lived in except when studying outside of town, that he bought in 2004, and that I signed for half of it this year (mistake?) where lots of memories (and fantoms) of his ex and prostitutes haunt me!!! HELP! I'm going crazy here!!! His father comes to work here in the basement when he wants to because it's the deal between them ... and I find that he is rather rude, impolite, not really well mannered and other behaviours that go around that. I'm the kind of girl who was brought up by her momy mostly because my dad left us (my mom and five children) for another woman (one of many, jerk!) With beautiful values of respect, joy, love, compassion, and other values that seem to be part of nearly everyone in society that is sensible and respected ... I'm a nurse! You get the picture??? And I have had only a few bfs or onenights (let's say that I slept with about 8 men in my life! including two on a trip last year because I was upset at my bf when I discovered that he was flirting and hiding me things!!!) I have a hard time trusting him since then, when his computer his left on, I sneak in to discover conversations, but there is nothing now, he is in computer business also so he knows how to hide things! Las night we had an argument where I left home in my car after the children were in bed because I was so shaken and shaking! That's when we talked about his period of time where he was working really hard for a school, doing his Doc at the same time, so he was in need of paying himself a prostitute from an agency once in a time. But he wouldn't tell me how many he 'used'! I was confronting him with my vision of it being what I think it's what most of people think (it's not right, the woman is considered an object to personnal satisfaction, etc) but he wouldn't tell me more! I was shaken in my values, I was astouned and discouraged to be with this kind of man! What did I do? And you'd ask, but do you love him? Yes I do! Love can blind us for a while! Anyway, all to say that I'm being confronted all of the time with his values different from mine, and his vision of life and things also different from mine. And I try to accept them, I guess I change my vision to adapt to his ... But is it allright to do that? Am I changing myself for better here? Or am I going down a dangerous path where I risk of loosing myself, loosing my mind, loosing my identity, my values, my INTEGRITY??? Is it that, a compromise? To change our system of values? HELP! I need your opinions boys and girls pleeeeeease!
FarmGirl Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I can relate as I have some similarities in my situation with my STBX. You do not want to bring a child up with a man who doesn't value women. Run. Run. Run. Trust me on this. Don't let years go by. Raise your child in a home filled with light and love, not deep dark secrets.
xxoo Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 he believes that the truth should not be told to the woman because it can hurt her and destroy the relationship for something that has no value to his eyes This stopped me in my tracks....does he mean telling the truth about his past? Or telling the truth about his actions with prostitutes and other women while committed to you? Is he telling you "Don't trust me"? If so, Don't trust him!!! Or am I going down a dangerous path where I risk of loosing myself, loosing my mind, loosing my identity, my values, my INTEGRITY??? It is this one. This is never going to work. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to be enough for this man, trying to trust this man.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 You will never be happy compromising your ideals and morals for his smutty lifestyle. You can find a man who will treat you much better and will agree with the kind of lifestyle that will make you happy
Author Qcgirl Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I noticed reading myself again that some things are missing for you to see the whole big picture. And I lost the post I tried to send and it is nowhere to be found! I hope I can remember what I wanted to say ... What I need to add here is that I am able to accept certain things from his past ... as I would from someone else too. Such as the fact that he had many girlfriends (but not more than one hundred come on!), that he even had lovers or onenights (ok, but not too many too often please, or esle I would think it's 'misbehaving'! or socially unacceptable!), that he used a bit of prostitue services (I said a bit! Again not too many, under 10, I can accept it, but even then it's because I changed my vision of it for him ...). I can also accept the way he is (Love makes us see the other sooo beautiful!) meaning rather rude in his language, swearing also, impolite to many (but the meaning of respect is so large, and to him, and to his father, it is different from me and my family and friends!), flirting with other women (when alone or with me as well, but he does it less), having fantasies about other women, looking at other women's nude pictures (even friends, old friends, or his ex), talking with his ex's or other girls on the net (but like I said, he does it less ... but for how long?) etc... How long will it last of him being 'better' than he used to be? Can it be forever? Has he changed? Has he become another man full of wisdom and respect for his wife and responsible for his family? Is it the real him now, the one he has always wanted to be? Or is his old him (evil him!!!) going to come back one day and hurt me so much??? Lots of questions huh? I need lots of answers ... Anyone with more experience in life outhere to help? Please? I mean, he is not violent though, he is not ugly, I am very attracted to him, he is wonderful in bed (well of course, you remember he has lots of experience! And he knows it!), he is very nice, generous of himself, down to earth (although it is sometimes too much, people see him as being very negative and moaning all the time), he has a good heart, he wants better but cannot (he has no stable job to provide for better financial situation), he is great with our children (he considers my boys as his too!) ... I love him!!! I could not leave him for the other things! But I wish he would reassure me he would never behave in such a way again. I need to feel 'secure' for myslef but also for my children!!! It's in us, women, to make sure of our survival in the future. And the man being the 'provider' still, we need him to reassure us! I am taking my man out Friday evening for a good talk. I hope I can tell him everything and not forget one bit to make things clear! But I also hope he doesn't try to justify himself and make me change my mind, my perception of things, my opinions, my values again as he is so good in doing that! I'll keep you posted! To be continued ... Thanks for reading and sharing your opinions and advice
make me believe Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 WOW! I think you made a HUGE mistake ever getting involved with this creep. And then you had a child with him??? What were you thinking? Why would you want to raise your children with a man who keeps secrets from you, regularly sees prostitutes, flirts with other women, hides things from you, and so on? What makes you think he has changed in ANY way? He has not, and never will. You need to RUN from this toxic, gross man. You say he is nice and has a good heart. A man with a good heart would not see hookers behind your back, look at naked pictures of his ex's who he still keeps in contact with, lie to you, etc. Hell, this loser can't even keep a stable job at 45 years old! He is playing you for a fool and you are letting him. Let me ask you - if your sons turned out just like him, would you be proud and happy? And PLEASE -- get yourself tested for every STD and STI under the sun as soon as you possibly can!! Since you have a baby together clearly you have had unprotected sex with this guy :sick: and you are at a HUGE risk for disease. I hope you are healthy, but honestly given his numbers and the huge amount of prostitutes & random women he's been with, I fear for your health.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Sadly Im here to tell you that core values are deeply important and just imagine in the future when things are not rosey between you two and he gets angry with you...he is the type of guy who will go out and nurse his wounds by nursing some other womans t*ts!!! you catch my drift here...you need to know that even when times are tough your man will be there for you...he has already told you...what you dont know, wont hurt you. You will go crazy always wondering what he is doing when he is not with you. I want to tell you to leave, but dont think you will until its much much worse...perhaps not even then...
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