Growing apart.

[schro31185]

Hello all, first post here after reading several others in the past. Please bear with me if I get long winded.

 

In the 5 years I have been married, I have done a bit of changing, and am wondering if I am being unfair to my wife, and myself, by staying in the relationship. We get along fairly well, at least we don't argue too much, but its been a very long time since I have felt the butterflies. We were both 20 when we got married, and I have thought a few times that maybe we rushed into things. There has been no infidelity.

 

Our main issue is with sex. Going back to right after we were married, it quickly went to her complying with my requests, but rarely ever enjoying it, and never initiating it. This has continued on, and it is something she still does to keep me happy, the problem is it isn't. As a man, I have desperately wanted to please her, because to me that is the most satisfying part of the act. There was no problem with this before our wedding. She would even initiate more often than I did. Since the wedding I can count on one hand the number of times she has initiated, and I wonder if those were just because she knew it bothered me. I have suggested everything in the book, but she would rather "hurry up and get it over with" than try anything new. After 5 years of this I have begun to think we both have unchangeable core views on how sex should play into a relationship.

 

Another issue I have with her, is her lack of self motivation, and general complacency. Outside of working, her favorite activity, is lying in bed either watching tv, reading, or sleeping. I find myself doing these things with her more than I would on my own, and afterwards I feel like I have wasted my time, because not much communication happens, and other household tasks are neglected. I enjoy getting out and being active, running, mountain biking, camping and so on, and have urged her to join me, she always seems somewhat interested, but ends up staying home and laying down instead. She has seen doctors about this and has medication to boost her energy levels. I have even tried being playfully competitive with her, but she has no desire to compete on anything but board games. I also see these traits in some of her family, as well as other health issues that come along with that lifestyle that I am afraid she will one day acquire. For now she is extremely thin, and always has been, but common sense tells me that this will not always be if her lifestyle does not change, and health problems will soon follow. This bothers me deeply. I want to be able to run around the yard with my grand kids one day, and I definitely do not want to pass these traits on to my children, and grandchildren.

 

These two main things along with a few others have cause me to loose much respect for her, though I still love her, and would love to see her change. I realize though I cannot make her do something she does not want to do, and that it must come from within. I have always heard you should bring out the best in your spouse and I certainly am not doing that, nor is she.

 

A little more background on me that I believe is relevant. We met in 8th grade, and had a short lived long distance relationship. Forward 5 years, I start college right after high school, but due to financial reasons and youth, I quit after 1 semester and started working full time. I had also basically given up on my dream of flying for a living. We meet again, and quickly fall in love, and are married within 13 months. Recently my desire to fly was relight with intense self motivation, and I have committed 6 years of my life to the army reserves with the intention of moving from mechanic to pilot. This was not an over night decision, but rather a 2 year process involving several serious discussions with my wife, family and friends, and all are supportive of my decision. However, I think my focus on flying will only further divide us as it will demand quite a bit of time, (training, studying, and deployments) for as long as I do it, which I hope is until I am old enough to retire.

 

We have been to counseling, with only slight improvement. I don't blame this on her, though it sounds that way in the thread.

 

If I had to choose between her or my career as a pilot, sadly I think I would choose flying. I also wonder if it is possible that in my absence, she would become more motivated, and independent, which would make her more attractive in my eyes. Am I wrong to stay in this relationship and hope for change? Another fear I have is what if we separate and she becomes emotionally unstable? If our relationship does not work out, will I ever be able to find what I seek? A single, independent woman, with no children, who is as much of a romantic, and athletic as I am, and also strikingly good looking, and able to fall for a guy like me.

Edited May 18, 2010 by schro31185

[whichwayisup]

Your wife sounds depressed. You're unhappy and neither of you truly open up and talk this out. I say, print out a similar version of what you wrote here and let her read it. Together you two can work on the marriage, communicate your fears, your goals, desires, or possibly separate.

 

Doing nothing isn't going to help, so start by going back to counseling together, bring up stuff that you are concerned about.

 

How often are you away? In a span of a month, how many days are you at home?

[schro31185]

Thanks for the response. Right now I am home every evening. In August I will be leaving for training, and will likely have no contact outside hand written letters until October. From then to January I will still be in training but I will be able to make calls, and possibly email/IM. After that I will be back to one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year, until I get a pilot slot which will require 18 months of training.

[angie2443]

I have a hard time reading long passages so please forgive me if I missed anything.

 

I'll be honest. I think you two might not be a good match for each other. I don't think your wife can ever live up to your expectations, and the wise (and kind) thing to do might be to end it before you've both waisted more years and before children come along.

 

Personally, I could not be happy in a relationship where my husband was gone for long periods of time and where he felt so pationately about something that I felt I had to compete with it. This may be part of the problem with your wife. At the same time, I think there are women out there who would "fit" with you better. I think it is important, (if it doesn't work out with your wife) to be very upfront with the next person you become serious with. Tell them that your passions and career will take up a large part of your time. If you meet a very independant woman, this shouldn't be a problem.

 

I do think, since you want kids in the future, that it will be important to find a woman with a strong network of familly and friends. This way, when you have children, she will have help, company, etc, while you are away training or working.

 

One question, though, what was your wife like before you married?

[schro31185]

My wife has already expressed her concerns with me meeting someone else while I am training. I know being "married to the military" can be tough, but I don't know if that will be a good thing or a bad thing.

 

She has questioned her doctors about depression, and has been told she does not suffer from depression. Through out our marriage though, when I was not feeling satisfied with our sex life, I would turn to images, and videos on the internet. She has found out about this several times after I apologized and said I would not do it again. So obviously I have broken some trust between her and I.

 

We have actually communicated about these subjects, though she prefers not to discuss sex in any degree, and she maintains that she supports my decisions. I just think that she is not truly happy, and is just agreeing to go along for the ride out of convenience. I guess what I'm getting at is, what if she would be better off without me but doesn't know it, or want to go through with it? I think with the time we will be spending apart, it will feel like we are separated anyway. I think we both want the other to change on levels that it may not be possible to change.

[schro31185]

I do think, since you want kids in the future, that it will be important to find a woman with a strong network of familly and friends. This way, when you have children, she will have help, company, etc, while you are away training or working.

 

One question, though, what was your wife like before you married?

 

Not having kids now is one of the reasons for my concerns I guess, though that doesn't really express what I mean. When my good friend and his wife were having problems I told him to get things figured out before they had any kids. I think now I am following my own advice, once children were introduced into the relationship I would be much more reluctant to put my feelings first.

 

Before we were married, she went straight from high school to college, where she had a very good friend from high school as a roommate, and came home every weekend. Most of her free time was spent working. I realize now that part of the problem could be that she never really lived on her own. BTW the sex was great then, though only talking on the phone seemed to make the week last forever. Only seeing each other on weekends I guess gave me a skewed impression of our sexual relationship.

 

She was also very enthusiastic about making my one bedroom apartment feel like a home. She had decided she did not want to continue on her path to becoming an accountant though, and since then has really never made another choice, just kind of did what ever work was available to someone without a particular degree.

Edited May 19, 2010 by schro31185

[schro31185]

We also don't have any common hobbies, or activities we do together much. When we were dating it seemed like we did, but now looking back, she kind of went along with whatever I was doing just to spend time together. I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Does anyone think I just have a problem and would do this in any relationship? I don't have much to go on, as she has been my one and only long term relationship.

[angie2443]

We also don't have any common hobbies, or activities we do together much. When we were dating it seemed like we did, but now looking back, she kind of went along with whatever I was doing just to spend time together. I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Does anyone think I just have a problem and would do this in any relationship? I don't have much to go on, as she has been my one and only long term relationship.

 

 

As far as knowing how much part of the problem you known, I think this is what is making it hard. If you had had a few long term relationships, you would have a better fix of what parts of your personality aren't not conductive to a healthy relationship. I think most of us have those parts and need to work on those parts. I think it would be hard to see those parts if you've only been with one person. How do you know if you are causing a problem or her? Right now, you seem to be putting a lot of blame on your partner. Maybe you're right. It's hard to tell. I don't think your relationship is going to work. I think a good course, would be to end things, and then, find a good counselor, and see if they can help you determine which problems you brought to the relationship. Then, you know what to fix and what to leave alone when you enter your next relationship.

[schro31185]

Well I did it. I typed up a letter explaining how I felt about things, and was going to save it for later. But I knew I would end up not showing her, and I knew if I felt strongly enough about it to spend 2 hours typing up, it was important, and she needed to see it. I basically told her that we have grown apart, and I have broken her trust so much that I don't think I can get it back, and that all the things we have tried have not worked, and that I think we need to take a good look at things and decide if we both really think it can work out.

 

She cried, and then got mad like I should have expected. It just seems so obvious to me that things are probably not going to just magically get better, but now I feel even worse.

[mixedupman]

I can relate to much of what you have written. But I have been married for 14 years and have two children now, and it is much more complicated to figure out what to do.

 

My advice is to tackle the issues now, to see if you can work things out or not, before carrying for another decade and getting to where I am, and finding it even tougher to deal with. Make your best efforts to make it work so that if in a year or so things haven't changed, despite your giving it every chance, you can make the break feeling that you have done everything you could to make it work and have no (or fewer) regrets. Hopefully things will work out for the best.

 

I hear you, it's hard to work on, but trust me, after 14 years and two children it won't be any easier.

 

Good luck.

[schro31185]

If anyone is following this, we decided to stay together for the remaining 2 months before I go to basic training, and then once I'm back evaluate things and see if anything has changed.