joey66 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I'm having a bad day. Dammit. I haven't posted much lately because I keep saying the same things over and over again. I know I'm pathetic, no need to point it out. MW and I have been LC for close to two months. I still have to see her on a regular basis, but we haven't been talking. I have resisted the temptation to send her more emails (because this time, it'll be different - thanks jwi71) that she won't respond to, emails that likely would make me look like the creepy stalker guy. I have avoided the strong desire to just go talk to her. I know that it will only make me miss her more. And for the most part I am doing better. I'm down to thinking about her only about 50% or 60% of the time. That's progress, right? But some days the whole thing just overwhelms me. Today I saw her, and she looked so good. Forgive me for being egocentric, but I really believe she takes special care to look great when she knows she's going to see me, partly because she wants me to suffer. But another part of it is that she likes the fact that I think she's beautiful and she wants me to keep thinking that way, even if we are done. (Could I possibly be right about this, or am I just fooling myself?) We are both middle-aged, and by her own admission it isn't often that anyone tells her how attractive she is, certainly not her H. I'm not going to break down and contact her. I am not. I AM NOT! But some days it hurts like h*ll. Some days you just have to pour your heart out on LS in order to stop yourself going insane. Thanks for listening.
skywriter Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey66, Thank you very much for your post. Although I am sorry you're having a bad day, your post has helped me. I am currently in NC and often wonder if he (MM) has just gone on with life and not given much thought about me and how I might be feeling. I am single, he's married with children. There are no hard feelings between us. I just couldn't be involved in an A anymore. It was never really what I wanted and it was sucking the life out of me. We were both selfish for ever getting involved with one another. I can't even say when NC started. I just cut it off one day and never looked back. Eventually we will face one another as we have the same circle of friends. We will likely be cordial and keep moving on. Sometimes, I just feel so ugly and used, but reading your words, makes me feel like maybe, I assume too much.
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey66 have you ever felt angry with her? I guarantee you this would help you to see her in a different light. I hate to keep saying this as I am usually not a very angry person in general, but it has helped me move on from my XOM (btw my XOM dumped me). Eventually you won't feel anything at all...maybe a fondness. Hell there are lots of beautiful single women out there taht probably want your attention. Go and find them, make yourself happy, find a new interest of hobby. Distract yourself as much as you can and when a thought of her even creeps to your mind push it out. I will allow myself about a minute to think of my XOM nowadays as it serves me no purpose and wastes my time. Enjoy life Joey!!!!
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Wait are you married??? Ummmm well maybe focus on rekindling your marriage again it can happen it did with me.
MorningCoffee Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey, FWIW, haven't seen my xAP for 11 weeks, have been total NC for over 3 weeks. Also, I am single and have two good women friends (not FWBs) who have coached and helped me see reality and deal with all this. Still have ups and downs, a mix of pretty easy days, very difficult days, and some so-so days. Do not know that I could do what you are doing, though, having to see xAP on a frequent basis. You have some amazing strength there doing this on your own, bro. I would not be able to stay in the same job or whatever it is where you see her. . . if I had to leave to break that visual connection, I would. I remember once staying at a job for a year after someone I had met there had not reciprocated my feelings, and whenever I had to interact with her, it was tough. Of course I was a lot younger then, but still, I didn't get over it until I had left the company. Then I could put her out of my mind and move on. The old saying has it "out of sight, out of mind" and that was true for me. YMMV
Heather1 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I'm fighting the urge today too. We've been in LC after a 2 month NC & he started coming into my work again. Luckily, I have those days off now so I haven't seen him. He sent me a brief note saying he it wasn't the same without me there (probably because I treated he & his friends really well & my co-worker doesn't). That was over a week ago. I have to admit, I found a great hobby!!! It's really keeping my mind off of it, and I love it!! But today is dark all day & nothing to do but wait for a repairman, so I'm dwelling like crazy!! After the 2 month break, things are a lot easier w/out him in my life. He made me feel good for about a year, crap for another year. I went on a lot of nice trips & am getting my life back. This contact thing is a setback for sure, but I need this to be over for my sanity. He's not moving mountains to win me back, I'm done. I wish him well.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Keep busy and you'll be fine. Sounds like you have made tremendous progress. Why set yourself few steps back!??!?! good luck and I wish you strenght!
secretlady76 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hi Joey, Right, get real and get with the programme as I have worked out that pussy footing with you doesn't work. Straight words. STOP LOOKING AT HER. WHAT IS THE POINT? SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, SO WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE GET DRESSED UP FOR YOU? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU? It is amazing what happens when you don't look at them. Just close yourself off from her and by doing that you can start to put some energy into getting to know the lady who you once fancied so much that you asked to marry her. I'm sure she would love the attention you give the OW and maybe if you gave her some attention she would give you some back, because what you put in you can get out. Even if it feels like a chore; give your wife a cuddle, hold her hand, tell her she looks pretty, go out for a meal, or a drink; be a couple again; I can honestly say it makes a difference....and how do I know? Because I'm currently doing this with my husband (not tell him he's pretty but all the other bits)....it seems to be having an affect.... I could so easily blame all my marriage problems on my husband, but it was as much me as it was him to stop making an effort and instead of making an effort with him, I was making an effort with someone else.....not good.... but you can only do this if you close off from OW. Do not look at her.
piscis Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey you can do this. You have made so much progress! You have been able to do this for 2 months you can do it two more months and further on. Please when you doubt post here or do something to keep you busy. I assure you are going to feel better if you do not contact her rather if you do. All my support for you
LostMe Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 What SL76 said (but not so harsh! ) fake it til you make it. Treat your W as you fantasize about treating your MW. You can put that spark back into your marriage, it's working for me. And I still think of xMM 75% of the time. MW is just one person. Some days just suck, this won't be the last. But one day we'll look back and wonder what on earth we thought we were doing. Be thankful it hasn't hurt more people than it has. Hugs from me.
jj33 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey you are doing great. She may try to look better on the days that she ssees you - she may want to preserve your good memories of her. But the bottom line is she is still married to someone else. I have been in LC for 3 years and it hurts so much less now than it did before (I know its pathetic that it still hurts at all) but the thing I keep telling myself that every word out of his mouth is just code for STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU. Nothing she can say or do matters, so long as she is still married to someone else. All the rest is just a smoke screen. So what if she pines for you, longs for you, loves you more than life itself? Doesnt matter, because she is still married. And that is why you arent seeing her anymore. So nothing to see here. Keep moving. And pity her. If she is getting off on trying to get your attentoin, then that is her problem. That means she is stuck in her own little prison married to someone else, unwillling to change her circumstances and still in love with you. But even if that is the case, it doesnt matter. She has nothing to offer you. You are out of the prison of the affair. You want it to stay that way so keep up the good work.
MorningCoffee Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Joey you are doing great. She may try to look better on the days that she ssees you - she may want to preserve your good memories of her. But the bottom line is she is still married to someone else. I have been in LC for 3 years and it hurts so much less now than it did before (I know its pathetic that it still hurts at all) but the thing I keep telling myself that every word out of his mouth is just code for STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU. Nothing she can say or do matters, so long as she is still married to someone else. All the rest is just a smoke screen. So what if she pines for you, longs for you, loves you more than life itself? Doesnt matter, because she is still married. And that is why you arent seeing her anymore. jj, Spot on! This week, when my mind lands on my xAP/MW, no matter what I am wondering about, what's going on in her life, or what she's feeling, or whatever, I repeat to myself emphatically "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter" because she remains married to someone other than me. Thank you for reminding all us NC-ers why we are holding ourselves to our promises to ourselves.
Samantha0905 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I think sometimes the circumstances are just so difficult, it feels like an impossible situation. I loved my XAP and he always felt like I didn't love him enough because I wouldn't leave my husband and children. I felt like I loved him so much. I still cry about the situation and miss him every day. In our situation, he started flirting -- I flirted back -- and it all went downhill from there.... I heard yesterday he is seeing someone new and has been for a couple of weeks. I agree with jj33. I think I deserve the pain I've suffered over not having my XAP anymore and, at least, he is able to move forward with his life. It hurts to type that. I want him to be happy, but there's a big part of me that wishes we could have met when single. If wishes were horses........ It just doesn't matter. I'm still married to someone other than him. And as skywriter said, people involved in affairs are being selfish. I'm sorry you're having a bad day Joey. I'm right there with you -- cried half the night last night and half the morning this morning. It seems to be lifting a bit now. It will pass. It has to be so difficult for you to see her. I don't want to think about running into my XAP with his new girlfriend, although it might be a good feeling for him. I don't know. It does help to pour your heart out here. It's a good release.
Miss-understood Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Perhaps there is something in the air, a full moon - whatever it is, I am also having a hard time with NC today. It's been 10 days since I started NC. He showed up at my place last Friday. we had no sex-although he did try to mind f**k me. I was so good up until I saw him - while we have had no contact other than that - I feel like I am back to square one. This is what i have done to keep my NC - i'm sure you've heard these before, but I hope it helps. 1) read the reasons for NC deal that MourningCoffee wrote ( I love the part especially about feeling like a flesh covered sex toy ) 2) remind myself that he's married. he's choosing to be with her, and should not care if he misses me - he is choosing to miss me 3)i contact a friend i have not spoken to in awhile 4)i work on my blog (which i know he reads - along with others) 5) walk dog 6) i also write letters to him that i won't send 7) this has helped me a lot - i look at a calender each day and feel better each day that I have remained NC - TAKE TIME TO PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK
White Flower Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 She probably IS primping especially just for you but OTOH you might just love her so much that she just looks that good. I'm sorry you're hurting. What good will the hypothetical talk do if you're not going to do anything about it? Hugs Joey. Oh, and you missed a hot time in the old town the other night. It was fun.
Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I'm sorry you had a bad day. I think you could be quite correct about her fixing up to look especially attractive when she knows she's going to see you. If that's the case, she's a rather cruel person, and is trying to toy with your feelings. (a good dose of anger would help you.). You sure don't need that. I hope the rest of your week is better.
White Flower Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I'm sorry you had a bad day. I think you could be quite correct about her fixing up to look especially attractive when she knows she's going to see you. If that's the case, she's a rather cruel person, and is trying to toy with your feelings. (a good dose of anger would help you.). You sure don't need that. I hope the rest of your week is better. Aw I don't think it's neccessarily cruel. I mean, is she supposed to make herself look ugly just because he is around? What would you do? I'm not singling you out FoG, I like you too much. How are the kids?
Author joey66 Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Thank you all for your responses and your support. It means a lot and I am truly grateful. Feeling much better today.
Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Aw I don't think it's neccessarily cruel. I mean, is she supposed to make herself look ugly just because he is around? What would you do? I'm not singling you out FoG, I like you too much. How are the kids? That's ok, WF. I'm not feeling picked on. but I have known women who would try to look their very best around guys they wanted to string along. It's not a new phenomenon. Prob. dates back to early man! Some women just enjoy enticing a guy, for the thrill of putting them down. I personally think that's a bit inhumane. LOL! The kids are doing pretty good. Hope you are, too.
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