And she breaks my heart again....

[jlr]

Last night my band played a show.

 

As I was outside talking to friends, my ex walked by with a dog. My one friend was like, "yeah, she's been walking up and down this strip several times."

 

She saw me, and we exchanged an awkward and short hello.

 

It sorta messed me up. People were falling all over her new dog. Anyways, I went back inside.

 

Towards the end of the headliner's set, the last song actually, she came into the venue, sans the dog.

 

She just stood up against the wall over in a corner drinking by herself, and when I walked past, she got my attention and started talking to me.

 

I was in a daze. She made alot of small talk. And then she said. "I guess I should tell you, before you hear it from others...."

 

"....I'm engaged."

 

My heart felt like it just imploded.

 

We then spent a bunch of time arguing about our relationship. Which made no sense. And we went outside to talk more. And it was weird and emotional.

 

She didn't seem happy. She'd gained weight. Just seemed weird. I don't know. I expected someone who's getting engaged to be beaming more. It seemed like she was trying to convince herself that it was a good idea.

 

Apparently they moved in together near the place we were playing. I'm sure she saw my band's name listed for that night in the paper or on the posters. I think she planned on doing this. It seemed like it was all on purpose.

 

I've been miserable all this time. But I think she has been too. She just likes to fake it.

 

We talked about her new relationship. Her reasonings were like "my family likes him. He's nice to me." I don't know, sounded weird.

 

I told her I still love her, and it's hard for me still. And she went into all this **** about how maybe we were supposed to learn from each other and then be good friends. And I said, maybe we were supposed to learn from each other, and then try it again now that we have such knowledge.

 

But that's where we differ. And we just butt heads on it.

 

I had to get going, my friends were waiting, we had to load the car. I told her, you know where I am, if you want to talk. She said, "it's pointless, it ends the same." And I said, why the hell are you out here talking to me right now then. Why are you here? I told her I miss her, but I have to go. Good luck with everything.

 

Now I feel like total **** today.

[jlr]

And there were other things that bugged me. She kept talking about "wasn't my dog cute." Like, I get it, new dude, new dog, new place. Cool. You've replaced the **** we had. Good for you. My dog is still cuter, and she knows it, that's why she mentioned him too. And she mentioned how she "does miss our apartment." WTF. Your replacements aren't going to ever be the same.

 

And she's like, oh I saw you in public for another show (one we just happened to both be seeing) and she's like, "you ignore me, that didn't seem nice." Yeah, I did. Because 5 months before that you told me to "go **** myself. have a nice life." How was I supposed to be when I saw you?

 

She's delusional. And completely living a lie.

 

At least I can say, I'm honest with myself, and those around me. I don't hide my pain by covering it up and replacing everything.

 

Sorry.

[GrayClouds]

. Her reasonings were like "my family likes him. He's nice to me." I don't know, sounded weird.

 

She said that because it sounds better then he makes a lot of money and buys my love. And all of the other stuff she prattle on about was her being nervous and trying to convince herself she made a good decision.

 

You now know she did not have the depth to stand by you in the long run so your better of she bolted in the short run.

 

I suggest you go write that hit song about heartbreak, light up the amps good and loud and turn your demons into walls of goddamned noise and sound.

[jlr]

This ****ed me up bad. I was doing so good.

 

I cried a lot last night, and ending up texting her. Like the idiot I am. I said I didn't think she looked happy, and that I think she's making a mistake. And that no matter how she feels about me, I still love her and hope the best for her.

 

She called me this morning before work. We talked for like a half an hour til I had to say, look, I gotta go to work. She just kept talking.

 

About us. About her situation now. About things in her life. Like she needed an ear. It was pointless. It hurt more than helped.

 

And now, I'm pretty low.

 

What the hell did I do to deserve this in my life? I'm trying to be positive and strong, and productive with my pain. But I'm running out of steam. And things like this knock me back down.

 

She's getting married? After a year? 6 Months ago she didn't even know if she liked him. Why wasn't I good enough to want to stay with?

 

I'm a mess.

[GrayClouds]

what part of no contact do you not understand?

[jv032889]

This process will continue until you cut all ties with that woman.

STOP! You are only hurting yourself.

 

If you don't stop contacting her you will continue to hurt. Today, tomorrow and in the future.

[jlr]

I WAS doing no contact. For 6 months.

She waited outside of my show for me, and put me in a position where I guess I felt I should talk to her.

I know, I could have ignored her in there.

But after 6 months, I was curious when she approached me.

And then, it threw me off, and I made the dumb decision of extending the contact we had.

I know, it was stupid.

I went six months through excruciating pain, but never picked up that phone.

[jlr]

Again. I know I shouldn't have texted her last night.

But I didn't initiate this contact at all. She did.

I've cut all ties.

 

You're both right. Not talking to her is key.

 

But I didn't try to do this to myself, or go out of my way to talk to her.

 

But the time after the show, sent me back like 10 steps, and then I made dumb decisions.

 

Ugh!

[GrayClouds]

In fact it is simple that a set back but now you know, unlike the first time through, that if you do the right things, focus on your healing it gets better. Knowing that makes it so much easier. And you know there is no contact and if she tries again your simply to busy... now about writing that song...

[Odyssey]

ouch! sorry to hear your pain man... meeting the ex sucks! Like back to the day of breakup.

 

OP, look at it this way. At least this has killed any glimmer of hope. Closure. You can really move on now.

[jlr]

Well, you'll all be happy to know I closed the door again.

 

After a few talks, I saw she's the same. And really, while it all makes me sad, I can see she's really miserable. If her life was so good, and her "fiancee" was so cool, what's she doing wasting time arguing with her ex on the phone? And especially about our past.

 

She's still angry at me. For not being what she wanted. For being "so nice" in the beginning and then not the same later. What she doesn't realize is that that's how relationships are. They aren't always peachy. There's rough spots. And I was still the same person, but I think she got bored of it. And it wasn't the same cuz it got old.

 

I wasn't perfect. But I've apologized for anything I didn't do, or did. And I've gone great lengths to try and fix it with her.

 

She'd rather run to someone else than deal with issues. And her own issues too.

 

So I ended it classy. I told her that I can't pretend it doesn't hurt me. And I can't just be cool about it all. It hurts, and probably always will. I loved her, and maybe always will. But I wish her luck with her life. And I'll do my best to let this all go.

 

I think she may need the luck more than me, because the delusional world she lives in, is not the one that the rest of us do.

 

Thanks for all the kind words.

 

Greyclouds - I've written lots of songs about all this. And I've been writing a lot more lately too. So, it's definitely getting channeled into something productive, besides tears.