EthanH Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hi, my ex split with me about 3 months ago. We have got back a couple of times only for a few days, the first time drunkenly, the second sober but it ended in a very strange way, so much so she cannot even explain it to her friends. Tbh that doesn't mattter. If you want to know the full story I have posted many (probably too many) threads on here. My friend who doesn't know her met up with her unbeknown to me last sunday. He is the one who I have spoken to most about this. He was up visiting for a few days, and became good friends with my flat-mates. He said he got the impression that they had it wrong when they spoke about what I wanted/thought... and so he decided to meet up with my ex to speak to her about it. She is very closed off, hasn't been able to really speak to anyone about things, her usual way of dealing with things is to give off the impression she doesn't want to talk, and then when people accept that, she wishes they would take more of an interest (I know stupid and immature etc etc etc)... but he basically said 'no, it isn't ok, you need to talk to someone about it because your actions are contradictory' She talked to him for 4 hours, said she was scared, said to him she is too young to work out what any of this means. Feels scared because she doesn't have the feelings she feels she should have. She then came back to my flat and we chatted for ages, and then I went over to hers and we chatted some more. The whole time she was hugging me, being close to me, running her hands through my hair etc... but in her head she just saw it as being close to me but not anything more than that (she has told me since)... she called me the next day to say sorry for being so confusing. Said we just needed to give each other space, and things would be easier. I said I would be there for me this week if she needed me...as my friend who spoke to her said that he thought just to get things away from this tense 'get back with me' atmosphere and let her see how great we got on without that would be a powerful memory for her over the summer. However, fast-forward to saturday, i had a meal with my flat-mates and friends and then robin hood (thought it was rubbish incidentally) and she hasn't been invited but met my flatmates for drinks before and asked if she could come. They said they didn't think it would be a good idea. She said we were fine now (based on how i had said i was ok to spend time with her this week for coffee etc) and so she didn't come, but was annoyed about it, and texted me during the meal saying we needed to talk after i had gone to the cinema. I didn't reply, as I asked one of my flatmates about it and they just said she needed to re-assert that she didn't want to get back with me. She called me 8 times. I didn't answer. She then sent me a text saying 'thanks for not getting in contact, it's not like i have exams or that it was important!' This hurt me as I can see the bigger picture in this, I hate that she was trying to guilt trip me, but I still want her to do well in her exams, and if it takes a bit of hurt for me to support her, I will do it. We are still pretty close. She has an exam for uni today which she is stupidly worried about. Her friends have all told me how upset/scared she is...and despite the fact that NC seemed useful, I just felt I should do the adult thing and let her know I am wishing her good luck, also because I knew that when she is scared about something like this, I am the one she wants to cry to about it because she knows i won't judge her. The way I saw it was, this is so important to the rest of her life, I should be the bigger person and try to help her out. If she doesn't do well in this, she will have to change from a joint degree to a single degree...and I know how much she is scared of this. Her parents also put massive pressure on her as the only child to do well. I wasn't doing this with the hope of anything apart from wanting to at least know I was there for her during this tough time, despite all of the mess of the last few months. I also didn't want her to be able to blame me if she did badly. We met up outside the place where she was revising, and i just said i wanted to wish her well and gave her a hug. She was kinda awkward at first, but after we hugged she just blurted a whole load of stuff out. I specifically didn't want to speak about us. That isn't why i went to see her. I went to see her to try and make her feel better for her exam. She was determined to speak to me about it, and so i sat there while she spoke (which isn't the norm for us)... She said she has realised she just isn't ready for a relationship and that foremost in her mind atm is to sort out what she thinks and work out why she had issues with being clingy but then also felt alone when i wasn't there. She kept saying sorry. She was at pains to make it clear that it wasn't about me. And i really do believe her. I'm not saying she doesn't want to be with other guys in the future and that this isn't in the back of her mind atm, but I do accept her reasons, she needs to grow. She told me part of her just wants to get back with me, it would be so simple and everyone is suggesting she should do that, but she feels there would still be these doubts which she really needs to deal with. She told me that she hates speaking to her friends (mainly my flatmates) and to ask something and for them to tell her they already know because I have spoken to them... that is fair enough, but i don't see how i can get round that apart from not speaking to the people about it who i see most often and who i'm very close to. It is v difficult. The problem is, she wanted to hold hands with me, she even said she knew it was awkward, she wanted to hug me. And was in tears for most of the time we were there, on and off. I left her to continue with her work and she texted me 20 mins after i left to ask if she could take me up on my offer of coffee... i said yes... any comments on any of this?
northstar1 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Ethan - read your comments to others about the same thing. Do you see the problem? You are not following your own advice. Yes,she needs to grow up and mature a lot............So let her do it, without being her crutch. Man up, stop making excuses for her and stop spending time with her.
Ilovecake Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) I too have noticed the hypocrisy in your advice on here. It's incredible how clearly we see things when it comes to other people but are completely blinded to what we do in our own relationships. I'll tell you this Ethan. She sounds like a very controlling person with a heap of emotional issues. You really need to let her go. You were just posting about how successfully you two got back together, it doesn’t sound very successful as the whole time she’s really done nothing more than dangle a carrot in front of you and has you hopping all over the place just to boost her ego. Time to stop being a doormat. She simply doesn’t want to be alone, that’s why she’s crying and touching your hair but she definitely does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. Just wait till she meets someone new, you will not hear from her again. In every post you make excuses for her terrible behavior towards you. The only person you're fooling is yourself. Edited May 18, 2010 by Ilovecake
Chochobong Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) Nothing has changed, and you continue to eat the breadcrumbs she throws you. Apply the advice you have received and given to others to your own situation. Edited May 18, 2010 by Chochobong
BackUpOrGetStung Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 This girl sounds like an emotional basket case. If you cease contact with her, she will go insane, and probably want you back too.
GrayClouds Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 (edited) Your title of the tread says it all: my continuing situation with my ex It is YOU who is continuing the situation with your EX. If you want to heal it is YOU who has to stop. It is my suspection that you kind of like the drama that the situation is producing. It feeds your ego that your relationship is something specially special, the break-up is uniquely complex, and your a bit more capable understand human behavior then most. Though as others here as posted that thinking is getting in your way to moving on. I also suspect, with all due respect, that you will now trying to explain why this is wrong rather then examine where it may be correct. I promise the pain gets better when you quite hitting yourself with the hammer. It is not easy but you can move on. Edited May 19, 2010 by GrayClouds
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