happy_hitter Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hey guys, this is my first time posting here so bear with me, if something like this was already posted. Last night I couldn't sleep so I went online to talk to some friends and check my facebook. After about three hours of still not being able to go to sleep, I got extremely bored and typed my name into google to see what would come up, yes this is how bored I was. After finding some amusing results for me, I typed in people I knew and one of them was my girlfriend. To my dismay I found an old site with wedding information for what was then an upcoming wedding for her and her ex fiance. Now, I already knew she was engaged once so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it still bothered me none the less. To wrap all this up, here's my question ... Should I talk to her about it or just ignore it and never mention it? I'm leaning towards not mentioning it because I know it sounds like I was digging for information, but I really wasn't. I just wanted to get your opinion.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Did she marry him? No. is she with you now? yes. Why did it bother you? Really, why does it matter? Big deal! Jeesh, I wonder sometimes why people do this to themselves.... They let the past of the other person, bother them. Let your past bother you, if it needs to. Her past doesn't bother her.....and what business is it of yours anyway? She's clearly moved on....
Beerme Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Why would this bother you? You already knew that she had been engaged, and most people who get engaged plan a wedding. She has a past. Most of us do. In fact, I'd venture to guess that all of us do. :-) I'm still wondering why this bothers you. Unless you figured she had been locked away in a monastery. I'm not trying to make light of the situation because you can't help it that it bothers you, but you now need to step back, and realize you're getting worked up over something that isn't an issue. She used to be with another guy, but that guy was wrong for her, and now she's with you. End of story. I hope that you can brush this aside, since it really seams to be much ado about nothing.
CLC2008 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I would be bothered if she had lied about it, but you said you already knew that she was engaged so I think this is something you will have to resolve internally.
Krytie TV Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 If the roles were reversed, what would you think? There is absolutely no reason why she needs to entertain that discussion with you, and you would benefit from finding whatever strength you need to let this go away. This is really not a big deal unless you dredge it up in convo.
stillafool Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 What is up lately with men so worried about what women did in the past?
norajane Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Now, I already knew she was engaged once so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it still bothered me none the less.Why did it bother you? I really don't understand. If her being engaged before didn't bother you, why would seeing that she had scheduled a wedding bother you? Should I talk to her about it or just ignore it and never mention it? What do you want to talk to her about? Her past engagement? Why she made wedding plans? What is it that you want her to do or to tell you? I'm honestly confused here.
make me believe Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I understand that was unpleasant for you to see and probably brought up feelings of jealousy, etc, but you should NOT mention it to her. Like CLC said, she did nothing wrong, and you need to resolve your feelings internally. It's kinda like stumbling upon pics of your current partner with their exes - you KNOW they had a past, but you don't necessarily want to see evidence of it.
Eeyore79 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I would ignore it - you already knew she had been engaged, so seeing proof of that shouldn't be so shocking. You're probably just feeling a twinge of jealousy because her previous engagement seems more "real" now you've seen the website. She's obviously put it behind her and is with you now, so you should forget about it too. I was engaged previously, and we had a party, looked at venues, etc... but I wasn't madly in love with him, and I didn't have the sort of feelings that I have for my current partner. I was just young and stupid, I made a mistake, and now I have enough sense to understand what kind of guy I actually want to be with. I would hate for my boyfriend to feel jealous of my past engagement, because there's nothing to feel jealous about... some guy gave me a ring, and then we broke up, and I don't care if I never see him again as long as I live.
CuriousQDe Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I Google my own name frequently, and still in the top ten responses are old message board posts by me gushing about my ex-husband, how wonderful he was, gifts he bought me, trips we'd taken, etc. I wish they would go away because guys I have dated have told me they searched me, but no one has ever mentioned these posts. It's a non-issue. We all have lives.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Cant delete the past... Why should it bother you? This was her life before you. If you knew and it's not something that she kept a secret then why the beef?!
prettybaby Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I appreciate how everyone here tries to be so rational with their advice to OP, but I can't help but empathize. So yeah, he knew she was engaged, and she's with him now, blah blah. It still doesn't change the fact that knowing about things is different than suddenly being faced with the actual reality of it. And I can see how it would give a bitter taste. We're only human. It's a normal feeling. My boyfriend also used to be engaged. His ex fiancee dropped him a few weeks before their wedding. I was perfectly cool with it until we were invited to some event she'd be attending as well. That's when I started to feel bad. I think it's important to realize that there's a huge difference between knowing someone's past / feeling totally cool about it, and actually being faced with that past. When your other half's past suddenly jumps into the present, it hurts. Of course we can rationalize all we want and tell him how stupid he is for feeling that way, but at the end of the day, it's still perfectly normal and it will fade with time. OP: I would not mention it to her. There's nothing she can say or do about it. Ultimately, you're really just dealing with your own feelings here.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I appreciate how everyone here tries to be so rational with their advice to OP, but I can't help but empathize. So yeah, he knew she was engaged, and she's with him now, blah blah. It still doesn't change the fact that knowing about things is different than suddenly being faced with the actual reality of it. And I can see how it would give a bitter taste. We're only human. It's a normal feeling. My boyfriend also used to be engaged. His ex fiancee dropped him a few weeks before their wedding. I was perfectly cool with it until we were invited to some event she'd be attending as well. That's when I started to feel bad. I think it's important to realize that there's a huge difference between knowing someone's past / feeling totally cool about it, and actually being faced with that past. When your other half's past suddenly jumps into the present, it hurts. Of course we can rationalize all we want and tell him how stupid he is for feeling that way, but at the end of the day, it's still perfectly normal and it will fade with time. OP: I would not mention it to her. There's nothing she can say or do about it. Ultimately, you're really just dealing with your own feelings here. I don't generally tend to be bothered by things like this (e.g. I've been involved with divorced women where I've seen a photo of their wedding, and it's never been a problem for me) , so I can't really say that I "empathize". Intellectually, however, I can understand why somebody might be bothered by that. Having said that, I think it's a bit different from what you describe -- he's not meeting his GF's ex-fiance. It's just wedding info, possibly photos. Which is not to say he's not allowed to be bothered by it, but from my perspective, it's "less real". I wouldn't mention it either. Far too many people, it seems to me, put excessive importance on the past. The past is relevant -- it's important to know if your partner is STD free, has a tendency towards dishonest behaviour/cheating, has psychological problems, etc. But beyond that, everybody has a past, and nobody should be expected to submit to interrogation over things that happened in their life before they met their current partner. I don't see anything wrong with asking questions about the past relationship in a lighthearted way, but don't come off like you're bothered by it, and you probably shouldn't mention what you saw online. Rightly or wrongly, she'll probably see that as a display of insecurity at best, and creepy at worst.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Prettybaby, you are very right but let's be realistic and mature. How can you get upset, hurt, feel bad about something that you had no part in and had no control of???!!! I mean, unless we meet our future partner in the first grade and dated them since, our mates will have some sort of trail. It's wasted energy and unecessary loss of control to feel this way. I know not everyone has the same balance but it is what it is... Happy Hitter- are you going to marry this chick? If so, set up your wedding site, override the past and set aim towards your future- Good riddance!
Author happy_hitter Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess it bothered me because it was still up and I'm still in the process of getting over her past so things like that site don't help. However, I realize it is kind of stupid to bring it up, I'll pretend I never found it. Thanks again.
stuck with eharmony Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I know its really tough and you really want to mention it to her, but please don't. You will only open a can of worms and you will regret it later.
Jesper Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hey guys, this is my first time posting here so bear with me, if something like this was already posted. Last night I couldn't sleep so I went online to talk to some friends and check my facebook. After about three hours of still not being able to go to sleep, I got extremely bored and typed my name into google to see what would come up, yes this is how bored I was. After finding some amusing results for me, I typed in people I knew and one of them was my girlfriend. To my dismay I found an old site with wedding information for what was then an upcoming wedding for her and her ex fiance. Now, I already knew she was engaged once so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it still bothered me none the less. To wrap all this up, here's my question ... Should I talk to her about it or just ignore it and never mention it? I'm leaning towards not mentioning it because I know it sounds like I was digging for information, but I really wasn't. I just wanted to get your opinion. What exactly would you bring up to her? That you were googling her name and found stuff out about her that she had already told you? I have no idea what you're trying to accomplish.
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