first time in a month, ex was online i msged him, now i cant stop crying

[Livelovelearn]

so the background my ex of 3 years, cheated on me couple months back with his new girl, i confronted him last month on the phone he hung up and said he is cutting contact. he was my first love so yeah i have still been clinging on to him, but then i let go. i have been fine but recently he has been on my mind alot and his birthday is next week. So he comes online and i sent him a message saying hey you there? and he replied fast saying im good (dont know why). i was trying to talk to him about all that happened and asked about his family, he told me they were good and he didnt want me to get under his skin right now. i told him that i just wanted to know what happened and why it happened. i said that i knew it would be hard to talk about but i did not want to argue. he said if this is what you wanna be on right now i have nothing to say to you. i told him that i just wanted to talk no arguing because things have been on my mind. and he then replied any way bye and went offline. conclusion? i feel like crap

 

also he is no longer dating that girl cuz we had talked and discussed that he was cheating on both of us. i asked him how he was doing as well and he said good. i feel stupid for reaching out

[skydiveaddict]

dont contact him anymore . you need time to heal up your wounds. and dont feel stupid, you did your best

Edited May 18, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[Livelovelearn]

dont contact him anymore . you need time to heal up your wounds. and dont feel stupid, you did your best

 

thanks. i know i shouldnt, i dont have him on anything but messenger yet it has taken me a while to delete him, i havent done it yet but why hasnt he done it. i wish i could do something to take this pain away

[TaraMaiden]

Well delete him now. He is clearly not in any mood to discuss this or be put on the spot.

And guess what?

He never will be.

He doesn't want to know. He kicked you to the kerb and frankly, he sounds a little shallow and cheap if it now seems he was cheating on the both of you.

Nice guy.

Spreading himself thin....

 

So you reached out?

so Live, Love and Learn.

Don't do this any more, and leave it alone.

Turn your back on it, call it an experience you're actually glad to be out of, delete all reference to him, and let someone else deal with his existence, intimately.

This is now SEP.

 

Someone

Else's

Problem.

 

Let them deal with him.

The great thing is - you no longer have to.

How cool is that?

[carhill]

'He cheated on both of us'.

 

EOS.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Livelovelearn]

thanks for the support guys, i am really trying to stop talking to him, i do have to delete him on messenger, i feel like after i do that thats the last i have of him...since we live an hour apart. im so attached to this man and yes it does root from the lack of a father figure and my past. its hard to say goodbye when it wasnt even a proper goodbye.

 

Carhill im not sure was EOS stands for, but again thank for the replies..its so hard

[carhill]

EOS = End of story

 

Hang in there. It'll get better. Time does heal.

[Heatemyheart89]

dont feel sorry for reaching out we've all done it. Me WAAAY too many times. Just realise he isnt worth your time and he probably wont give you any answers (or any answers you want)so dont torture yourself by trying hun

good luck

it will get better

[Livelovelearn]

thanks alot guys. EOS for real! he responded to a text i sent last night saying how i was stupid to believe a stranger and how he never did anything with her nor was he with her even the OW told me everything about their relationship and it added up. it hurts, i guess he is one of those people who lie to themselves and deny they did anything wrong..only to continue making the same mistake in their other relationships?

[Livelovelearn]

i also wanted to say one more thing, im on the path to heal now seeing that this man was not who i thought he was, to lie to me, when i seen a picture of him and the other woman, he still denied it.....i have deleted my last contact of him on messenger, and i will no longer text him i am going to send him one last message and i know i need to do this and move on.....its just not worth it.

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

I know how hard it is to move on from someone you loved. The main thing is to remember that you are missing the him you thought you knew, not the REAL him. This is the hardest thing to accept. I am still trying to do it myself. I truly believe that no contact is the only way to start moving on. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for finally cutting your last tie to contact him. Make sure you have removed all reminders of him from your home, deleted him from everything, and if necessary block any of his social sites (facebook/myspace) from your computer using parental controls. Don't bother looking for clues about what he is up to, this will set you back. It is VERY important that you allow yourself to feel everything right now...I know you said you have been fine until the contact but how can you be fine after losing a 3 yr relationship? Don't ignore the pain and sadness because it will only resurface in the future. It is better to deal with it now, cry as much as you need to, reach out to friends and family and this site, talk about it, write about, scream if you have to! Get it all out! As far as learning to love yourself, this is a long journey. It is best to see a therapist but if you cannot then try to use self-help books and journaling. The wounds that our fathers' leave affect our self esteem, cause us to cling, cause us to stick around in bad relationships, etc. Until we can address these wounds and begin to heal them it will affect out love lives negatively. I am on the same journey as you! What I have discovered from being left by my ex less than a month ago (he was a commitment phobe but I didn't recognize all the signs until he left), is that i need to work on me before I date again. I need to learn to love me completely, not look to a man to make me feel loveable. I also learned that I need to create my own life by myself, not depend on help from a man. When you make your partner your rock in life, if they leave you are left with nothing but pain, emptiness, and weakness. Learn to become your own rock! Learn to love you for everything you are...the good and the bad! You are worthy because you are here. I would recommend getting a CD full of positive affirmations (this has helped me so much!) and also try to change your negative thoughts into positive ones (either correct them in your head or write them down and rework them on paper). Don't forget, YOU DON'T NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED! Lastly, this is something to keep in mind when you are feeling bad about your lost relationship: sometimes you need to forget what you feel and remember what you DESERVE! You deserve a man that is everything you want and need, and nothing less! I truly feel for you and hoped this helped. You can do this... You will Succeed! <3

[carhill]

Nice first post BOWY. Welcome to LS

 

OP, read the no-contact thread in my signature line. It's a real good guide to health through re-focus. *You* control you. You're not alone. Good luck

[TaraMaiden]

i also wanted to say one more thing, im on the path to heal now seeing that this man was not who i thought he was, to lie to me, when i seen a picture of him and the other woman, he still denied it.....i have deleted my last contact of him on messenger, and i will no longer text him i am going to send him one last message and i know i need to do this and move on.....its just not worth it.

Please don't so this, because actually - you don't.

It will do no good, make you feel bad if he doesn't reply, and make you want to reply back, if he responds.

 

Drop it, leave it, and let it lie........

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

Thanks carhill... I figured what can i do with all of this pain? Why not try to help others going through the same things! It's good to be here.

 

As far as sending one more letter...... I did this with my ex, under the pretense that I expected no response. I even wrote in the letter that this was not made for a response and I don't expect to ever talk to him again. All of my friends told me not to do it, but my therapist encouraged me to write the letter but to make it about his wrongs. I stated all the things he did wrong and that hurt me, all the things he is missing out on by not being with me, and all the amazing things that the right man will do for me one day in the future. This was extremely helpful and cathartic. It forced me to see all the bad things about him, all the great things about me, and all the things I have to look forward to when I find the right partner. I also made it clear that I was done with him! Even though at the time I wasn't actually feeling that way, I do now!(realizing he was a commitment-phobe was a huge help) My ex never responded to the letter, in fact he may have never even read it for all I know. But this doesn't matter to me...what matters was the weight that was lifted off my heart by writing the letter. If you do go through with it please make sure you are ready to never get a response, or not get the response you want. And PLEASE don't fall for any lines if he wants to get back together! Focus on loving you for now, and when you are ready love with another man will fall into place. Hope you feel better soon! <3

[Livelovelearn]

As far as sending one more letter...... I did this with my ex, under the pretense that I expected no response. I even wrote in the letter that this was not made for a response and I don't expect to ever talk to him again. All of my friends told me not to do it, but my therapist encouraged me to write the letter but to make it about his wrongs. I stated all the things he did wrong and that hurt me, all the things he is missing out on by not being with me, and all the amazing things that the right man will do for me one day in the future. This was extremely helpful and cathartic. It forced me to see all the bad things about him, all the great things about me, and all the things I have to look forward to when I find the right partner. I also made it clear that I was done with him! Even though at the time I wasn't actually feeling that way, I do now!(realizing he was a commitment-phobe was a huge help) My ex never responded to the letter, in fact he may have never even read it for all I know. But this doesn't matter to me...what matters was the weight that was lifted off my heart by writing the letter. If you do go through with it please make sure you are ready to never get a response, or not get the response you want. And PLEASE don't fall for any lines if he wants to get back together! Focus on loving you for now, and when you are ready love with another man will fall into place. Hope you feel better soon! <3

 

Thanks everyone for the support you all are great people and this is a great community! I actually have texted him and it was for myself, i know he is going to read it, and i actually want him to read it and thats all. I didnt send it expecting a response. I texted him after he was telling me i was dumb to believe a stranger and that i could go talk to her and keep our "drama" to ourselves and when he said for me to stop messaging him, this is what i said.

 

"You can ignore me, but ill say this,regardless i wish good things for you in life, all i can say to you is that i loved you genuinely, and you had someone in your life who not only loved you but looked up to you (HE IS 5 YEARS OLDER THAN ME)..I am young but I am not dumb (since he thinks he can convince me that he did nothing) You hurt me alot but atleast it wasnt all a waste of time since we did share many wonderful memories. I thought we would be sharing some morethis year but you proved that you do not want me, and i should not want you either. Its embarrassing when people ask me about my boyfriend as everyone knew i admired you. But you know what , just like i got over _____ (i named the guy who i breifly dated but never loved) I will get over you too. I dont know if you ever truly did love me but you'll always be in my heart. All i ever wanted was to see you and spend time with eachother, why was that so hard for you to give me? I did all i could for you and never asked for things that you couldnt provide. Anyway thats how i feel and even though the pain you have put on me hurts me so much right now, it will fade and i know i will find the man who deserves me and genuinely love me for who i am. Take care of yourself and do find happiness from within. Goodbye

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

You were much nicer to your ex in your txt then I was in my letter! I hope with time you can get in touch with your anger. There are different steps in the grieving process, eventually you will get to the step you are angry with your ex! This will be powerful in helping you move on. I hope you are feeling better, if you need any support please write back <3

[Livelovelearn]

You were much nicer to your ex in your txt then I was in my letter! I hope with time you can get in touch with your anger. There are different steps in the grieving process, eventually you will get to the step you are angry with your ex! This will be powerful in helping you move on. I hope you are feeling better, if you need any support please write back <3

 

lol i could imagine, yeah i was a bit nice but thats kind of how i am. i know i need to be more tougher but he was the only guy who saw the "Sweet" side of me and i guess the years i was with him made me softer. We always had that relationship where there was respect (before we had a a series of mini break ups) especially from my part, i hardly swore at him, it was rare. but i will say that when i first found out he cheated i told him he was disgusting and i stated a whole bunch of other things to him which was cruel. until i realized it made me feel bad. i am angry at times but i think that being myself and not trying to put up a tough exterior which he knows is not who i am, will not give him the upper hand. my message may not be rude and filled with anger but hey if we never talk again, thats how he will remember me, cause thats how i always was and in the end it was him who changed! thank you for your support, i know you are in the similiar situation BOWY, how are you doing? i am doing okay as well, feeling a bit lonely but thats why im here

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

thank you for asking, that is very sweet of you! i am feeling very lonely as well. after a break up they say you should keep yourself surrounded by friends and family, but i haven't been able to do this as they are very busy. it has been hard to deal with all the alone time. today i find myself missing my ex... i don't want to. i have been focusing on all the negative things to avoid this, but it's one of those days where the good things are creeping in. ugh. the thing about my ex is that we had such an amazing relationship, we were always together, always laughing, we had this incredible comfort being around... we had become a couple after the first date, by the fourth date he almost slipped out i love you. we waited til one month to say it, and all the emotions we had been holding back we released. we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. we had out disagreements here and there but nothing that couldn't be worked through. he had this horrible tendency to want to split every time we argued, i thought it was because he was taught a lot of unhealthy things by his mother about relationships (she had him when she just turned a teenager. she taught him to never change anything about yourself in a relationship, if you think differently its not meant to be, and at the slightest feeling of unhappiness to leave!!!! wtf, this is NOT how a relationship works!). i was very patient with him and every time he wanted to split bc we thought differently about something, i would talk him through and show him how a REAL and HEALTHY relationship was. when he left, it was out of the blue! he had just been telling me how much he loves me and how he still feels as deeply as he did in the beginning, that he could not wait for us to get our own place (he was basically living with me at my mom's for the past 8 months. he just came over after work and spent every night at our place), that he had been thinking more about being a dad, and even was looking up apts for us the night before he broke up with me!!! it was a total shock and it broke my heart into pieces. he spent the day with his mother (she didnt know me, i mean really barely, but didnt want him to be with me from the beginning. she is so attached to him it is a sick thing...he even pays her mortgage every month for her!), when he came to my house he told me it was over, he didn't want me anymore, he could never picture me as the mother of his children (he said i would prob have postpartum depression anyway, seeing how i had gotten depressed after i miscarried what would have been our child! can u believe the nerve?), that he could maybe marry me but there were too many things i would have to change, and that he didnt want me anymore!!!! WHAT???? this is the TOTAL opposite of what he had been saying our entire relationship, even the night before! it was right before our year anniversary and a few months away from us getting our own place (which was contingent on his mother getting her house sold so he could move out on his own). i know his mother had something to do with it, but in the end he made the choice. i recently did some searching on commitment phobes and this article describes him perfectly (minus the cheating) http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html. he broke every promise he had made to me by leaving! he left me in a F-ed up situation as well bc he told me not to save to buy my own car since i would always be able to use his to go to classes. now i am wondering how i will be able to continue my college education on top of being totally blindsided and broken-hearted. i realize that he is not the person i believed he was but he was the only guy who ever treated me good in my life. he was my best best friend as well. i am taking it alot better than i thought i would but it hurts like hell. it hurts to realize all the lies he was telling and that he could break all of his promises. it hurts that he said such mean things to me when he left. yet i still miss him. i know this is temporary but i am angry at myself for feeling sad about losing such a jerk! not sure what to do but keep thinking positive and reaching out to ppl for support and encouragement. Thats what lead me to this site! Well thanks for letting me vent. if you need to talk or need more advice i'm here