ruthpurple Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Hi guys, I am in bit of a dilemma here, I just found out three days ago that my best friend's husband has been cheating on her! I found out from the other woman herself! You see, I was in my cousin's party and she introduced me to this girl. The girl and I hit it off well, we started to talk about our love, men and relationships and during the course of the conversation she told me that her relationship is very complicated, because she is in love with a married man! I tried to discourage her, of course by telling her that she deserves a man of her own, a man who can give her the full love and attention, but she said that she is really falling in deep with this married man. She said the affair just happened, they work together in the same company but in different departments, they see each other every day and have a few drinks after office, until they had emotional affair, then it become very sexual. She even told me how intense and great the sex was! When I asked her where she works, I was a little surprised because I know someone there, when I dared to asked her lover's name, it was my best friend's husband's name! I was really dumbfounded and still in utter disbelief. I know this married couple since forever, they have 2 beautiful little girls, I was even the Godmother of there eldest daughter! I don't know what to do! I want to tell my best friend but I am afraid of the consequences. In my heart I really feel like telling her. Any suggestion on how to drop the bomb? Should I even drop the bomb?
aerogurl87 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Follow the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you have your answer. If you were in her shoes and were married to a cheater, and your friend knew about it, would you want her to tell you?
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Yes tell and yes you may catch crap, but she may catch something else.
D-Lish Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Yes, in this situation, I think you have to tell her. You could start by confronting him with what you know and let him know he needs to tell her or you will. She's your best friend, you owe it to her to let her know.
MadMission Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 rp, You will not be able to look your best friend in the eyes knowing what you know. You will not be able to talk to her...interact with her...as if all is well. You will remain troubled keeping this ugly secret from her. It will bother you. IF your bf ever finds out that YOU, of all people, KNEW all along but kept it from her, she will NEVER trust you again and your friendship will likely be ruined. She will feel betrayed, in a different way, by you as well as her H. When I try to put myself in your shoes, I know I would have to tell my bf. I could not keep something like that from her. I care about her too much. Tell her...and then be 'there' for her...to talk whenever she needs to. Let her know that you are her friend and will always be there for her...especially as she copes with her WH's infidelity.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 when I dared to asked her lover's name, it was my best friend's husband's name! Did you let her know that was him? I would have. Then I would sadly have to tell my BF the truth asap. You have to tell her, even more so now that you 'met' the woman. If you don't the consquences will be worse if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her. Be loving, be supportive, be there for her. She IS going to need you. I doubt very much she's going to turn on you. Tell her exactly what happened, what the OW said.
IronMaiden Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Yes, in this situation, I think you have to tell her. You could start by confronting him with what you know and let him know he needs to tell her or you will. She's your best friend, you owe it to her to let her know. I think this is a good plan. Put the problem squarely on HIS shoulders where it BELONGS, but make it very clear that if he doesn't tell, you will in a few days. I never forgave my best friend who knew my BF was cheating on me and didn't tell me... it was a second cruel betrayal.
Green Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 You could tell the husband that you found out and if he doesn't tell her you will (but confronting him might be more uncomfortable then just telling her) If you are worried at losing a friend over this you could send an anonymouse email from some new secret email account "Your husband is cheating on you with a girl from work, her name is _______, it has been going on for _____________"
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 If you are worried at losing a friend over this you could send an anonymouse email from some new secret email account "Your husband is cheating on you with a girl from work, her name is _______, it has been going on for _____________" She can't do that because she actually MET the OW. What if the OW lets on she met the MM wife's bestfriend? Nah, she's better off telling the truth.
Green Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 She can't do that because she actually MET the OW. What if the OW lets on she met the MM wife's bestfriend? Nah, she's better off telling the truth. Good point, she really could lose a friend over this though.
norajane Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Yes, you have to tell her. You sit her down, take her hand, look her in the eye, and tell her you're so very sorry, but you believe that her husband is cheating. Tell her what you told us - that you met a woman at a party who started telling you about her affair with her co-worker, and that she eventually revealed the man was her husband. You have to be honest with her, because, clearly, her husband is NOT being honest with her, and has no intention of being honest with her.
carhill Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Not to be the resident cynic, but I've been a pawn in a type of con related to this dynamic and my suggestion to the OP is to independently verify and, if unable, zip it. MYOB. Everything isn't always as it seems.
scatterd Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I trust my friend with all my heart I would expect her to tell me even though it hurt let her know.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Did you tell the OW that her MM's W is your BFF? I've been in this situation where a good friend saw my exH cheat, caught him a few times... She told me and I was grateful that she did. This is always catch 22. Sometimes the BS doesn't believe anyone but her H/W and even ends a friendship. You know your BFF more than us and more or less you know what kind of action she may take. I co-sign the suggestion of confronting him first. Don't you think that his OW told him where she was and he put 2 and 2 together? Are you guys in the same circle of friends? (Gosh, I hate this ish! Reminds me of when it was done to me! AGH! In front and around all my friends... People are so fricking shameless at times!)
rewe4reel Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Since you are godmother to one of the girls, it seems to me you are like "family" to them. If the husband is having an affair this is harming the children as well as the wife because an affair attacks the foundation of the marriage and hence hurts the entire family. I think being godmother forces your hand. You have to tell your friend that her husband is cheating and how you found out.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Any suggestion on how to drop the bomb? Should I even drop the bomb? if you don't look out for your friend, nobody will...unless she has a family member that knows. the alternative to not telling? Still hang out with them with the full knowledge he is a cheating d!ck, and look her in the eye without any guilt that she is being played for a fool, and you know about it.
Dazedme Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 This is the best plan. Let her husband know that you know and if he doesn't confess then you will have to tell her. Don't let him fool you by saying "Don't tell her. I'll break off the affair." It's tempting to take that deal but if you do he will make sure his OW is more discrete. And remember that your friend has the right to know even if the affair is ended. I don't think she would continue to be your friend if she found out about the affair later and then discovered you already knew. Yes, in this situation, I think you have to tell her. You could start by confronting him with what you know and let him know he needs to tell her or you will. She's your best friend, you owe it to her to let her know.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 This is the best plan. Let her husband know that you know and if he doesn't confess then you will have to tell her. that isn't a bad idea, but it will give him time to formulate a plan and alibi. he can tell a half truth to cover up an entire lie and if she decides to tell her the truth, he will have already desensitized her in his own way mitigating the damage to himself. So I say just tell her and provide any evidence if it exists. Don't give him a chance to hatch a scheme.
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Doesn't it seem odd that, freshly introduced to a supposed stranger, an OW would be divulging the most intimate of details regarding her affair? Is it coincidence that the OP is a close friend of the MM and BW? Like I said, not everything is at it seems. Trust with verification, especially in the case of strangers.
linwood Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 You don`t have any evidence. You don`t have any knowledge other than words a perfect stranger happened to tell you of all people at a party. This seems a bit too coincidental for my tastes. Verify what this woman said in some way before you tell your friend. If you can verify it definitely tell her but not before.
seibert253 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Hi guys, I am in bit of a dilemma here, I just found out three days ago that my best friend's husband has been cheating on her! I found out from the other woman herself! You see, I was in my cousin's party and she introduced me to this girl. The girl and I hit it off well, we started to talk about our love, men and relationships and during the course of the conversation she told me that her relationship is very complicated, because she is in love with a married man! I tried to discourage her, of course by telling her that she deserves a man of her own, a man who can give her the full love and attention, but she said that she is really falling in deep with this married man. She said the affair just happened, they work together in the same company but in different departments, they see each other every day and have a few drinks after office, until they had emotional affair, then it become very sexual. She even told me how intense and great the sex was! When I asked her where she works, I was a little surprised because I know someone there, when I dared to asked her lover's name, it was my best friend's husband's name! I was really dumbfounded and still in utter disbelief. I know this married couple since forever, they have 2 beautiful little girls, I was even the Godmother of there eldest daughter! I don't know what to do! I want to tell my best friend but I am afraid of the consequences. In my heart I really feel like telling her. Any suggestion on how to drop the bomb? Should I even drop the bomb? Since you don't have concrete evidence, I'd "mention" to the hubby that you bumped into (insert name) and had a very interesting conversation with her. The look on his face will give him away in an instant. If he's overly interested in you conversation, then well, you know. Then go for the throat. If he doesn't care, well then the girl may be FOS.
MizFit Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Tell her, but do it correctly. Tell her the story EXACTLY as it happened. When you're done you tell her that you'll now go to her husband and let him know what happened...his reaction will probably be an indication of his guilt or innocence. Don't tell him first and don't go to your friend making huge accusations...she will swing into all sorts of emotions and scenarios in seconds-you need to help her control it. Keep her focused that it may be someone making false claims...keep her focused that by his actions her husband will give her the answers. You haven't alienated anyone and you haven't tipped anyone off. My best friend came to me as soon as she knew about my H cheating...I had found out and confronted him that afternoon so she was safe, but she had ME in her thoughts. MY best interests were in her heart. SHE was willing to sacrifice our friendship because she didn't want someone to get away with hurting me like that. Since then I've actually told several people-including the W of a fellow who was my boss. I adored the man, but I hated what he was doing to her...the strangest part was they lived out of state and he only went home once a month or so...I had never physically met his wife. I couldn't stand what he was doing to her so I gave her the chance to stop it. All these years later (14) we're friends on facebook and constantly in touch.
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