EnigmasMuse Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Well I guess I can't really answer this, because I didn't stay. I ended it when I found out. As some one else mentioned earlier, if the pleasure outweighs the pain and the person is truly remorseful, then I can understand giving another chance. BUT in my case, he wasn't remorseful and the pain outweighed the pleasure, so I ended it. Plus I just wasn't one of those ppl who could sit around and wonder if he was gonna do it again. I had a friend whose husband cheated. She stayed and they worked it out. However, that was 11 years ago, and she still checks up on him. I understand she was hurt and betrayed, but after 11 years later, and still checking up and not letting go of it, makes you wonder why she did stay. I think the thing I don't understand is ppl who take back their spouse/partner over and over and over again after they have cheated continually.
SueBee3490 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 if the pleasure outweighs the pain and the person is truly remorseful, then I can understand giving another chance. BUT in my case, he wasn't remorseful and the pain outweighed the pleasure, so I ended it. In my case, he is truly remorseful and I gave him another chance after finding out about his cheating 1 1/2 yrs into dating. I just thought that everyone makes mistakes and I should give him another chance. He continued to cheat but seems remorseful now. So is he really regretting the cheating or the getting caught? Makes me wonder. Plus I just wasn't one of those ppl who could sit around and wonder if he was gonna do it again. Me either.
kuma Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Kuma, your parents story is incredible. To remarry after 8 years and an affair is truly a credit to both of them. I would be very interested in the issues and rewards they have faced and accepted. Also, thanks a lot for trying to help me get this thread back on topic. Thanks. I'm sure they still have issues just like any other married couples. I don't think they talk about the affair anymore. I guess they were able to let go of the past and move on.
John Who Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 For two very simple reasons 1 - I love him 2 - The happiness our life together brings me is greater then the pain his affair caused me, it is also greater then the risk of pain in the future. Also - I'm not afraid of pain. Pain is a part of life. I won't live my life worried pain is going to hit me. I take precautions, but after that, I don't hide from what I enjoy just because there are risks. Get thrown from the horse, you get back on. Live live live for life only happens once. If he stopped bringing me pleasure and enjoyment more then pain, then its over. But so far its not happened. I've made me choice, I let go and live. CCL Well said.
jennie-jennie Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 (edited) CCL, are you saying that I'm too stupid, to "wrap my mind ", around the concept of successful reconciliation? Sounds a little condescending, to me. Did you mean it that way? I hope not. The whole purpose of this thread, is for BS'S to tell ME about their reconciliation, my opinion is not set in stone, nor does it matter. This is for BS'S to tell how they did it and why and if it was successful or not. I'm not assuming anything, I'm just throwing out ideas for discussion. I assure everybody that I have no dog in this hunt. I'm much more interested in your experiences/ideas than discussing mine. CCL can speak for herself of course, but since she is not here at the moment, I just want to put in a good word for her. Joe, CCL would never speak condescending to you. She is a through and through good person. I have sometimes wondered how I would have been like as an LS poster if I had found my way here during my BS years. My hope is that I would have been like CCL. It has taken me years to understand why my MM stays married. I don't consider myself stupid because of that. It is just that he functions so differently than I do that it is hard for me to fathom. Edited May 19, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Author JustJoe Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I'm not angry , in the least, with CCL, I just wanted to know where she was coming from. It sounded a little odd, to me. That's all.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Crazycatlady gets it right. Her nuanced, mature and balanced view of post-affair reconciliation coincides with my experience, post-affair. My wife and I are not going through the "motions". We're looking forward, not dwelling on the past. Absent other marriage ending factors such as drugs, alcohol or abuse, many marriages can survive even long term romantic affairs. Life is often deeper, richer and more surprising than categorical message board pronouncements. Thank god for that. Well you cheated on your wife, right, and she took you back? You're a lucky man. But no your marriage will never be the same. Don't pretend otherwise.
anne1707 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Well you cheated on your wife, right, and she took you back? You're a lucky man. But no your marriage will never be the same. Don't pretend otherwise. But the marriage should not be the same as it was before the affair. That is the whole point of true recovery.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I posted about my wife's affair almost 2 years ago on this board. Why did I take her back? I love her, and I love our family unit together. I myself came from a broken home and had stepfathers/stepmothers and it was never something that I wanted for my children. We had a long distance relationship before we got married, and did not start of our marriage the way we really should have. The only thing I really regret was not getting a hold of the OM, beating the absolute s*** out of him and telling his wife about what had been going on. Not that it was entirely his fault, but he was her boss and knew what he was doing. It is hard driving a car and living in a house that I know this dude has been in, but I am working to get rid of both in the near future and start anew. Why get rid of the house and car? They didn't have sex with the wrong person, did they?
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 But the marriage should not be the same as it was before the affair. That is the whole point of true recovery. Exactly. Most of the time the condition of the marriage before the affair was one of the main causes of the affair. Who wants to go back to that?
grogster Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Well you cheated on your wife, right, and she took you back? You're a lucky man. But no your marriage will never be the same. Don't pretend otherwise. No one's "pretending." We're back together in every sense of the term. You might believe or wish things were otherwise, but our marriage is good, strong and pleasureable. One can go home again.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 No one's "pretending." We're back together in every sense of the term. You might believe or wish things were otherwise, but our marriage is good, strong and pleasureable. One can go home again. Sorry, grogster, but only your wife's vote counts.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Exactly. Most of the time the condition of the marriage before the affair was one of the main causes of the affair. Who wants to go back to that? So you're saying a bad marriage causes the cheater to cheat? How did the bad marriage between the cheater and the betrayed spouse "cause" the OP to get involved with the cheating spouse?
sally4sara Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Wouldn't a marriage that ended up experiencing an affair be better by NOT going back to the way it was before the affair seeing as those circumstances might have contributed to the affair happening? Dunno, maybe I'm off the mark.....
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 So you're saying a bad marriage causes the cheater to cheat? How did the bad marriage between the cheater and the betrayed spouse "cause" the OP to get involved with the cheating spouse? I'm not saying that at all. Please refrain from putting words in my mouth. If you're just looking for a fight, look elsewhere.
rewe4reel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I'm not saying that at all. Please refrain from putting words in my mouth. If you're just looking for a fight, look elsewhere. I will put exactly what you said below: Most of the time the condition of the marriage before the affair was one of the main causes of the affair. I will repeat my question, which you chose not to answer: How does the condition of a cheating spouse's marriage cause the affair partner to participate in the affair? There is no affair without an affair partner. I am not asking you to "fight." I am asking you to think logically about what you said, and explain it to the rest of us.
Maladjusted Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Why get rid of the house and car? They didn't have sex with the wrong person, did they? Haha. No, I just know that he was in both of them at one time, and some activity likely occurred in the car, if you know what I mean.
reboot Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I will put exactly what you said below: I will repeat my question, which you chose not to answer: How does the condition of a cheating spouse's marriage cause the affair partner to participate in the affair? There is no affair without an affair partner. I am not asking you to "fight." I am asking you to think logically about what you said, and explain it to the rest of us. I chose not to answer it because it's completely off topic. Maybe you don't read very well. There's been no discussion about an affair partner in this thread. That's not what the thread is about. The topic of the thread is "why would you take back a cheating spouse". What I said was the condition of the marriage can be a contributing factor in an affair. And I never said it was a valid reason, just that it is often a factor. None of that had anything to do with an AP.
Indypendence Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 No one's "pretending." We're back together in every sense of the term. You might believe or wish things were otherwise, but our marriage is good, strong and pleasureable. One can go home again. Do you really believe that the offended party doesn't have her moments.? He/She may not. I hope not; because it is NOT a nice feeling.
crazycatlady Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 CCL, are you saying that I'm too stupid, to "wrap my mind ", around the concept of successful reconciliation? Sounds a little condescending, to me. Did you mean it that way? I hope not. The whole purpose of this thread, is for BS'S to tell ME about their reconciliation, my opinion is not set in stone, nor does it matter. This is for BS'S to tell how they did it and why and if it was successful or not. I'm not assuming anything, I'm just throwing out ideas for discussion. I assure everybody that I have no dog in this hunt. I'm much more interested in your experiences/ideas than discussing mine. Joe - I am sorry if I came across as condensending. I didn't mean that you are stupid. That isn't at all what I meant. Some points of view you just can't grasp. Your brain (your being generic here) isn't wired the same way or something. I don't know. Because it doesn't really feel that you are trying to understand. It just feels like everything we say is getting picked apart and disreguarded and its frustrating. Especially after the day I had. I can't see to get my thoughts across today. It might be the frame of reference, or simply that cheat is a limit that is unsurmountable to you. Does that come out better? Jennie-Jennie - thanks for the defense. I'm flattered. CCL
crazycatlady Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Successful reconciliation.... A brand new relationship that makes the original relationship look like some dusty, faded, old painting we found in the attic. A relationship based on a never ending learning process. A process that lets us discover all (most of?) the mistakes we made so that we can avoid making them again so far as possible. Reading together, talking together, counseling together, communication, communication, communication. A relationship where we realize that, even though it's human nature to crave that "falling in love" feeling, it doesn't have to be with someone else, it can be with each other, over and over again. A relationship where we both learn to put the other first. A relationship with no fear. Man I love that! The only thing I view differently is the fact that I don't feel like its a new relationship. I do think its a new appreciation for each other. A renewed desire to not take each other for granted. In our case, its a better, deeper understanding for the other person. The bolded bit....I feel is key for a successful R. I don't think I would have stayed if fear (or lack of trust) was an overwhelming feeling. I'm still working on some minor bits, but at least I'm not afraid to bring those to him when it hit. But it has been only 7 months since I found out and just 6 weeks since he confessed since I did not confront so only 6 weeks that we have been talking about it. But the previous 6 or so months really allowed me to work through the hurt which helped when he confessed. But I have no doubts that the last bits of fear and lack of trust will go away and probably sooner rather then later. I think most of it now depends on a conversation with her. Crazycatlady gets it right. Her nuanced, mature and balanced view of post-affair reconciliation coincides with my experience, post-affair. My wife and I are not going through the "motions". We're looking forward, not dwelling on the past. Absent other marriage ending factors such as drugs, alcohol or abuse, many marriages can survive even long term romantic affairs. Life is often deeper, richer and more surprising than categorical message board pronouncements. Thank god for that. I'm glad its going so well, grogster. And I agree too with the bolded parts. Love it! When you truly CHOOSE each other again --not the kids, the history, the obligations--it IS a beatiful thing! That is also lovely and speaks volumes. CCL
White Flower Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 So you're saying a bad marriage causes the cheater to cheat? How did the bad marriage between the cheater and the betrayed spouse "cause" the OP to get involved with the cheating spouse? That's quite an assumption. I'm sure reboot didn't say anything about causing the OP to get involved. The condition existed within the M and everything fell into place based on that.
Steadfast Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 After infidelity, the marriage is destroyed. Dead, done. You can not go back. But a relationship and a marriage are two different things. No matter what, the relationship goes on. Good, bad or indifferent. I believe with all my heart that if a couple is properly motivated, counseled and truly loving enough to give it one's all, the relationship can be even stronger. Imagine being married to someone who -even after you've shown the absolute worst, betraying, lying side of yourself, loved you enough to let you back in AND restored the broken trust? What, I ask, WOULDN'T you do for a person like that? But before that can happen, both have to want it. Sadly, in today's selfish, self-centered world, the growth of love is stunted.
Author JustJoe Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Again, I'm just throwing out ideas, but it seems that the only thing that cannot be "rebuilt", following an affair, is the innocent illusions, of trust and stability, that the BS had before D-day. It would seem to me to be a far easier task, to build NEW trust and faith, on a new, improved foundation of communication, selflessness, and genuine affection.
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