crazycatlady Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 That's a good question. The is probably no one right answer. I'd assume lots of things factor in. Length of the relationship, shared history, children or not, how deep the love might have been in the first place, how open the two parties are to self examination and learning. I like that answer.
xxoo Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 That's a good question. The is probably no one right answer. I'd assume lots of things factor in. Length of the relationship, shared history, children or not, how deep the love might have been in the first place, how open the two parties are to self examination and learning. Add to this the factor of pain, because it is not always experienced equally. I believe the pain of betrayal can sometimes be a fatal blow, no matter how much the BS wishes to overcome it.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Add to this the factor of pain, because it is not always experienced equally. I believe the pain of betrayal can sometimes be a fatal blow, no matter how much the BS wishes to overcome it. Absolutely. We all have different pain thresholds, both physically and emotionally. Some people can hang in there long enough for the pain to fade, some can't.
Author JustJoe Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Thanks, Jen, I AM a good person, although one poster said that what I did was comparable to laughing at the Twin Towers disaster. My, Oh, MY..................RB, I can see why people with a long history would stand a better chance at rebuilding their relationship, but as another poster points out , is that REAL reconciliation, or just going with the flow? For me, to be able to repair a marriage, and "let go", of the wrongs done me , would be almost impossible. I've also heard from posters on other threads, that it seems easier to simply make a "new", relationship, with the same person. Sort of like starting over from day one.
CrayonAngel Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 It's simple. I wouldn't. not in a million years. If I decided to take back a cheater the constant worry and resentment are just not worth it.
crazycatlady Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Add to this the factor of pain, because it is not always experienced equally. I believe the pain of betrayal can sometimes be a fatal blow, no matter how much the BS wishes to overcome it. Absolutely. We all have different pain thresholds, both physically and emotionally. Some people can hang in there long enough for the pain to fade, some can't. Good points too. It also fades at different times too. I had a hard time functioning the first week I found out the pain was so intense, and I didn't eat or sleep either. I was zombie woman. I sure wasn't capable of making a rational decision - this is when I found out, not when dday occured because I did not confront and waited for his confession. I knew 6 months before dday. And for the month after that the pain was...well...painful, even physically painful. But the pain faded rather fast - at least from reading here it did. It came back when he confessed but that really didn't stay very long. More like memory of the pain and not pain itself. CCL
SueBee3490 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Absolutely. We all have different pain thresholds, both physically and emotionally. Some people can hang in there long enough for the pain to fade, some can't. I agree. For me, the pain never faded from being cheated on. I just couldn't get over it. Even though we will eventually divorce - I don't even want to try to make it - we are still living together so I must see him everyday. Our relationship has went from husband/wife to kind of like a roommate/friend type. I talk with him day-to-day, we each go to work, I make supper, he changes oil in my car, etc., day-to-day living - but I don't make future plans with him. Really kind of a sad existence.
Author JustJoe Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I think that a great many of these post-affair relationships are simply "going through the motions", real re-connection seems to be very rare.
SueBee3490 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I think that a great many of these post-affair relationships are simply "going through the motions", real re-connection seems to be very rare. Oh he is sorry - really he tends to always be suggesting future plans involving the two of us. Talks about taking a big vacation next year. Because we now live in my homestate - he always asks me to go back to his with him to visit family, etc. He wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen. Of course he wasn't the one hurt by the cheating - I was. He apologizes over and over - I think he is hoping I'll change my mind one day but I've told him that will not happen. He should have thought about all these consequences of his actions when he chose to cheat. I've went to counseling because of this and I've told him he needs some intense counseling to figure out why he did what he did - he refuses to go.
crazycatlady Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I think that a great many of these post-affair relationships are simply "going through the motions", real re-connection seems to be very rare. Are they going through the motions because of the affair? Or is it also the state of the marriage before the affair that is also still affecting the marriage? I mean, is the affair truly the cause of the marriage to be in shambles? Or was it simply a symptom of the marriage being in shambles? What do you consider to be "going through the motions"? And if some people are content with that, who are we to say its wrong? It might not be what we would accept, but that's why we aren't doing it. Joe - it still feels like you don't believe BS can truly recover from being cheated on. And that those who have are all just deluding themselves. I don't think you are doing it out of malice or spite. But more you lack the ability to be able to wrap your mind around it so therefore the recommitment can't be real. Something still has to be wrong. CCL
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I think that a great many of these post-affair relationships are simply "going through the motions", real re-connection seems to be very rare. I won't argue against that too much, although I think "rare" may be a little too strong a word. I do believe there are more failed reconciliations than successful ones, but there are definitely successful reconciliations. And just to be clear, I don't count a "going through the motions" reconciliation as a "successful reconciliation".
crazycatlady Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I won't argue against that too much, although I think "rare" may be a little too strong a word. I do believe there are more failed reconciliations than successful ones, but there are definitely successful reconciliations. And just to be clear, I don't count a "going through the motions" reconciliation as a "successful reconciliation". I have my own views on what counts as a successful reconciliation, but I would be curious to hear your view as well...And Joes. Anyone else's too.
grogster Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Crazycatlady gets it right. Her nuanced, mature and balanced view of post-affair reconciliation coincides with my experience, post-affair. My wife and I are not going through the "motions". We're looking forward, not dwelling on the past. Absent other marriage ending factors such as drugs, alcohol or abuse, many marriages can survive even long term romantic affairs. Life is often deeper, richer and more surprising than categorical message board pronouncements. Thank god for that.
Spark1111 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I think that a great many of these post-affair relationships are simply "going through the motions", real re-connection seems to be very rare. Maybe. Maybe not. I still assert ASSUME nothing. As for communication, my fWS checked out emotionally and communicatively way before he ever crashed into his OW. We had just survived a sh""storm in our marriage, and he perceived I no longer loved him. So, he shut down and never verbalized what was really bothering him. He then grew angry and even more distant after meeting her, using absolutely everything to criticize and blame me to assauge his guilt. See, now they have to keep you at arm's length to justify the affair? I chalked it up to job stress, mid-life crises, etc. Gave him space to sort it out and apparently, enough rope to really hang himself. I know I was blamed for everything and portrayed as the unloving uncaring spouse to his OW. Oh yeah, I was also staying for the money, the status, blah, blah, blah.... He also told her after DDAY, he HAD to work on his marriage for the sake of his children. HAHAHAHAHA! What a noble guy! Doubt he told her I was filing, throwing him out, planning a future without him and telling him to go get her, if that's what you want. Assume nothing JustJoe: It's self-limiting, IMHO. If three people are in a triangle, there are at least three sides, maybe more, to the story. As a former journalist, trust me on this. Our passion, devotion and love is off the charts, and I do not believe we are all that rare.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I have my own views on what counts as a successful reconciliation, but I would be curious to hear your view as well...And Joes. Anyone else's too. Successful reconciliation.... A brand new relationship that makes the original relationship look like some dusty, faded, old painting we found in the attic. A relationship based on a never ending learning process. A process that lets us discover all (most of?) the mistakes we made so that we can avoid making them again so far as possible. Reading together, talking together, counseling together, communication, communication, communication. A relationship where we realize that, even though it's human nature to crave that "falling in love" feeling, it doesn't have to be with someone else, it can be with each other, over and over again. A relationship where we both learn to put the other first. A relationship with no fear.
Spark1111 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Crazycatlady gets it right. Her nuanced, mature and balanced view of post-affair reconciliation coincides with my experience, post-affair. My wife and I are not going through the "motions". We're looking forward, not dwelling on the past. Absent other marriage ending factors such as drugs, alcohol or abuse, many marriages can survive even long term romantic affairs. Life is often deeper, richer and more surprising than categorical message board pronouncements. Thank god for that. Love it! When you truly CHOOSE each other again --not the kids, the history, the obligations--it IS a beatiful thing!
Author JustJoe Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 CCL, are you saying that I'm too stupid, to "wrap my mind ", around the concept of successful reconciliation? Sounds a little condescending, to me. Did you mean it that way? I hope not. The whole purpose of this thread, is for BS'S to tell ME about their reconciliation, my opinion is not set in stone, nor does it matter. This is for BS'S to tell how they did it and why and if it was successful or not. I'm not assuming anything, I'm just throwing out ideas for discussion. I assure everybody that I have no dog in this hunt. I'm much more interested in your experiences/ideas than discussing mine.
Author JustJoe Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Successful reconciliation.... A brand new relationship that makes the original relationship look like some dusty, faded, old painting we found in the attic. A relationship based on a never ending learning process. A process that lets us discover all (most of?) the mistakes we made so that we can avoid making them again so far as possible. Reading together, talking together, counseling together, communication, communication, communication. A relationship where we realize that, even though it's human nature to crave that "falling in love" feeling, it doesn't have to be with someone else, it can be with each other, over and over again. A relationship where we both learn to put the other first. A relationship with no fear.I like this. It shows maturity, and a realistic approach to re-building the relationship. I did talk about this a few posts ago, wher I said that it's almost like a new marriage , but to the same person.
grogster Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Love it! When you truly CHOOSE each other again --not the kids, the history, the obligations--it IS a beatiful thing! And that's exactly what's happening! It is a wonderful time.
SueBee3490 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Successful reconciliation.... A brand new relationship that makes the original relationship look like some dusty, faded, old painting we found in the attic. A relationship based on a never ending learning process. A process that lets us discover all (most of?) the mistakes we made so that we can avoid making them again so far as possible. Reading together, talking together, counseling together, communication, communication, communication. A relationship where we realize that, even though it's human nature to crave that "falling in love" feeling, it doesn't have to be with someone else, it can be with each other, over and over again. A relationship where we both learn to put the other first. A relationship with no fear. Reboot - I wish I could have had this with him. I loved him more than anything and then found out about the cheating. But I can't have "a relationship with no fear" with him anymore. After the pain of his cheating - I will always have that fear that he would do it again. I will probably even take this "fear" into any new relationship I enter from now on.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Reboot - I wish I could have had this with him. I loved him more than anything and then found out about the cheating. But I can't have "a relationship with no fear" with him anymore. After the pain of his cheating - I will always have that fear that he would do it again. I will probably even take this "fear" into any new relationship I enter from now on. How long ago was the A?
SueBee3490 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 How long ago was the A? OMG Reboot - you ready for this? We had gotten married Sept. 2002 and I found out about all his cheating while we were dating/engaged in Jan 2003. We dated for 2 1/2 yrs. I went through the usual shock and thinking maybe this marriage can still work to other times I just knew it wouldn't work out. But deep down in my heart I knew I couldn't get over it. So see it's been a VERY long time to be just existing this way.
Maladjusted Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 I posted about my wife's affair almost 2 years ago on this board. Why did I take her back? I love her, and I love our family unit together. I myself came from a broken home and had stepfathers/stepmothers and it was never something that I wanted for my children. We had a long distance relationship before we got married, and did not start of our marriage the way we really should have. The only thing I really regret was not getting a hold of the OM, beating the absolute s*** out of him and telling his wife about what had been going on. Not that it was entirely his fault, but he was her boss and knew what he was doing. It is hard driving a car and living in a house that I know this dude has been in, but I am working to get rid of both in the near future and start anew.
reboot Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 OMG Reboot - you ready for this? We had gotten married Sept. 2002 and I found out about all his cheating while we were dating/engaged in Jan 2003. We dated for 2 1/2 yrs. I went through the usual shock and thinking maybe this marriage can still work to other times I just knew it wouldn't work out. But deep down in my heart I knew I couldn't get over it. So see it's been a VERY long time to be just existing this way. SueBee, I went and read some of your threads. Apparently the infidelity predates the marriage, but stopped after you got married. I don't see that as unforgivable, but I am not you. The fact that you were never able to forgive him has really tainted your entire marriage it seems. Most people that decide to fight for a marriage have some good history to draw on, to look back on, to remember how that love felt. You seem to have none of those. I'm sorry for that. I've never walked in your shoes, so I can only offer sympathy and not advice (not that you asked me for any).
sally4sara Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 My exhusband cheated and I stayed initially only because I was lead to believe the extent of the cheating was she had kissed him and he froze in the moment. He did not offer the info; the next day he just acted so inexplicably WEIRD that I asked if he was cheating. His reaction the the question was all the affirmation I needed. About a year later, while he was stinking drunk (as he often was) he slipped up and said something that made it obvious there was more to it. A year had gone by and I just didn't know what was an appropriate reaction. I wanted to leave. In the time that elapsed while I tried to decide what was best, I found I was pregnant and not just pregnant, but almost into my second trimester. I zombie walked through the next three years. I'm positive he cheated more after that. I felt trapped by having a kid with him - leaving would not remove him completely from my life. And I no longer wanted him sexually. His cheating was at least a reprieve from his sexual wants. We had so many other problems that the cheating just didn't register on me. I didn't and don't feel bitter about it (it was almost 10 years ago) and whoever those girls were, I feel no anger toward them. They were little more than yowling cats annoying you from outside your window while your house is burning down. I had bigger things to worry about and even wished one of them would get him out of my life. I think for some BS who stay, they are just one of those rare and special people with a larger capacity to love and forgive. Maybe for them, the cheating was the only issue while the rest of the relationship functioned well. But I suspect the majority stay out of dependence and fear. I also think that if one partner is vastly more dependent on the other, it contributes to the one who is heavily depended on to either seek a lighter connection outside of the relationship or feel entitled to some selfish gratification on the side. I think some people who are more comfortable being heavily depended on suffer from what my husband refers to as "Captain Save a Hoe" complex and cannot resist helping a person in "need". It feeds their ego. And because, for them, it was not about love, the BS writes it off and directs their anger to the OW/OM.
Recommended Posts