Please discuss reasons for taking a cheating spouse back.

[JustJoe]

So which caused you more anxiety? Being a BS or a WS?

[ladydesigner]

So which caused you more anxiety? Being a BS or a WS?

 

You know...good question:D...being a WS caused more anxiety because I knew I was doing exactly what my H did and sneaking around sucks, it really did. There is nothing that feels good about an A. Sure you get an ego boost from the other person, but knowing that you are doing wrong to your family, especially my kids. It makes me:sick:

[2sunny]

Reboot, Snowflower, and Owl, if my somewhat flippant opening is disrespectful to any of you , in particular, maybe you can tell me how so? I'm not a BS, and don't want to be, but I have poked good-natured fun at WS , OM/OW's, also in other threads.

 

to be a BS is one of the most tragic experiences of a lifetime... especially in a long term marriage. to me, it's right up there with a death of a loved one.

 

to act lighthearted or flippant is extremely disrespectful of the tragic situation.

 

i equate it to someone being flippant at the tragic scene of the twin towers demise.

 

please be respectful of others situations and feelings here. it's not fun or funny when it's concerning.

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT, is your child your major motivation, or your anxiety about another relationship?

 

I have no interest in pursuing another relationship. I will not risk my child being exposed to a series of boyfriends or perhaps a dysfunctional step father. Things would be tough enough on our own. My child is my MAJOR motivation. I never want her to feel the way I felt throughout my own childhood and I would do anything to protect her from that. That includes not getting too involved with my husband's issues.

 

I think that we will be seperating in the next year as I realized today that I am no longer attracted to him and have no intention of ever going to bed with him again. I actually feel bad that I am so disgusted by him.

[JustJoe]

This is too much. I made a stupid, lighthearted remark, and now I'm making fun of dead relatives and the twin towers. Why not accuse me of deriding the holocaust, or Rwandan Genocide. I've been bashed enough, about this and am going to see if Tony will delete the thread.

[ladydesigner]

This is too much. I made a stupid, lighthearted remark, and now I'm making fun of dead relatives and the twin towers. Why not accuse me of deriding the holocaust, or Rwandan Genocide. I've been bashed enough, about this and am going to see if Tony will delete the thread.

 

I hear ya JustJoe. People can't just be honest and lighthearted. There is pain involved on all sides of this triangle and until others realize this...well hence the bashing.

 

I would never compare infidelity to the twin towers or family dying. It is not as bad as that...I'm sorry...but to even compare it to that I think is way off base.

[JustJoe]

It doen't matter, LD, I Pm'd Tony to see if he will delete the thread.

[JustJoe]

Thank you , Tony. I hope that the changes meet with everybodys approval.

[carhill]

I've been privy to a number of M's where both spouses have been unfaithful and am unclear how that kind of dynamic can have a healthy resolution but have seen the marriages continue for some time, even a decade or more, before D, and some continue indefinitely but without clear and present signs of recovery, which I believe to be different than continuing to be married. Stbx and I tried to recover our M but enough of the love was gone for it to be irrecoverable by our agreement. Perhaps those M's which continue still have enough love for continuance but not recovery, kind of like a limbo.

 

With the re-titling of the thread, all else being equal, if my compatible aspects had outnumbered the incompatible ones in quantity and/or importance, stbx would have likely continued. In M's where the spouses are compatible and do love each other but one goes temporarily astray, I think those 'reasons' (compatibility and love) are strong motivators. Fear is also a motivator, though perhaps not a 'reason', and is worthy of scrutiny IMO. The single fear I have heard most often from women (motivating them to take back an unfaithful spouse) is fear of being alone, followed closely by fear of ruin (social/financial). Interesting about the order, but that's what I've heard.

 

I felt de-prioritized for a number of years prior to my infidelity, and communicated those feelings in clear words, even describing actions which would help, so, if that is any guide, for myself, feeling prioritized (or re-prioritized) would be a clear reason to consider recovery. I asked stbx what she needed to feel positive about the M and never received a clear response, so assume that she detached long ago. The main and singular clear response I did receive was when I asked for the caring and empathy I believe a spouse deserves and I hadn't received in years. It was "I can't give you that". So, trying to give a spouse what they need emotionally/sexually/romantically, etc. would be another reason to consider recovery, IMO. As evidenced by our failures, clear communication is essential. Once we were communicating clearly (or felt we were) there was really no reason to continue or recover. Essentially, she, the MC and I all agreed. Done.

[crazycatlady]

So weak I am not. Bitter I am not(thank God for his guidance). And the reason some of us don't try, because there is nothing to try to save.

 

Bent - the reason I don't often voice that opinion is because of you. Its not fair to you to say it so I try not to. But I was feeling picked on, and human that I am, I struck back. As I try to tell the kids I work with...Be a duck...let the words like water run off your back. I guess it doesn't work for me any better then it does for them.

 

 

CCL, I'm not making any assertions at all, I'm merely throwing out ideas to find out people's opinions......But while I'm talking to you, aren't you in a Polyamorous marriage? What would even constitute "cheating", for you?

 

JJ - the polyamorous has come about during his affair. Its a long drawn out topic and if you really want to know about it PM me. I don't mind sharing but I'm pretty sure its in other places. Before poly we were just open. And even then I'm really easy going about rules and such. He just managed to find the one person who I couldn't deal with him sleeping with, and I made it known I couldn't deal with it, after he had slept with her and before he could tell me. Which was also backwards on his part, because I'm suppose to know first.

 

However even in a polyamorous marriage there can be cheating. Any time there is lying and sneaking because the open knowledge would hurt the partner (or partners) is cheating. Like most things, if you wouldn't do it openly, doing it behind the back is even more wrong (wronger?).

 

CCL

[datura_noir]

There is a bond between two people who have shared a past (he was my first sexual experience when I was a teen),years of each other's company, the trials and tribulations of life, and the daily struggle for survival.

 

We were not married but had been in a commited, living-together relationship for 8 years at the time of my H's affair; we had no kids together and owned no property nor assets. He thought he was in love with her, had known her for years, had even "dated" her before he and I ever got together this time around. I had met her, she had come to visit us and was a hit because she was so extroverted around people...the opposite of me.

 

When I found out, I felt like a knife had plunged through my heart. Previous to my finding out, We had been distanced, and I was starting to ask him "hey, what's up? why are we not talking?" He always said it was his work....

 

After all of our immediate post dday talks, he said the reason he did it was because he thoughtthat I didn't love him, and that since I had been working out and living healthy, that I mighthave been seeing someone. I was not.

 

I don't want to rehash my entire history, but the bottom line is this: We realized that we had something we didn't want to lose.

 

And I know I p&*#ss and moan about him from time to time on here, but he really is a wonderful person who treats me with utmost respect. And I do so for him in return.

 

We aren't getting any younger, and the thought of losing him forever someday is something I do not wish to contemplate.

[seibert253]

to be a BS is one of the most tragic experiences of a lifetime... especially in a long term marriage. to me, it's right up there with a death of a loved one.

 

to act lighthearted or flippant is extremely disrespectful of the tragic situation.

 

i equate it to someone being flippant at the tragic scene of the twin towers demise.

 

please be respectful of others situations and feelings here. it's not fun or funny when it's concerning.

 

Have to agree Sunny. NOTHING comes even close to the pain of what I went through as a BS. Hopefully I'll never experience this, but I think the only thing that could be more painfull is the loss of a child.

 

Why did I stay, because she chose to stay. I gave her the choice, come back or go away. She came back to me, 100%. I told her, if she didn't want all of me, then I wanted none of her.

 

I made a commitment to her and intended to stick to it, but if she wasn't committed to me, then I came to the realization that I could not honor my committment to her. Confusing at face value, but not when you really think of it.

[whguy]

Well here it is, folks. The long awaited BS thread. Why would you take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Please share your stories about re-conciliation, and renewal. As always keep it civil and kind, and maybe we can learn a few things, along the way.

 

I've been dabbling a bit and as an ex-BS, it would depend on the circumstances.

 

Regardless of the circumstances, there's about a 90% chance you're going to be kicked to the curb. Infidelity affects roughly half of all long-term relationships (give or take a few percent). I think it's fair to expect my relationship to fall in the upper half.

 

That said, types and thoughts:

 

1. The WHOA, I had way too much to drink one-night stand. As stated above, depends on the circumstances, but if you're at a party, you have way too much to drink, somebody clearly takes advantage of you, you are devestated the next day and come clean on your own and own up to it, that's the "best" situation. Keep in mind what I mentioned about the 90% chance of being kicked to the curb. The 10% wiggle room comes in this.

 

2. The long-term affair. After seeing this in my own life, if you're so miserable being with me that you're going to make the MULTIPLE steps to start a whole new relationship on the side, pretty much no way I'm going to waste time. I don't know in that situation why my partner would be worth putting the effort into. I won't hate them, I'll forgive and move on, but if that's the choice one makes, they're making the choice to do it without me. MAYBE if kids become involved and there is a need to stay for their sake, but I buy into the thought that kids shouldn't be subject to a bad relationship because they'll follow in that patter. I don't have kids, though, so I can't say if my thoughts will change later. If that sounds harsh, I guess it is. I gotta have standards after being played for a fool in the past, though, as anybody I will date will learn of my history. Making a full-fledged affair all the worse.

 

In my case, the EA becomes the wiggle room. It's such a slippery slope, I can see how EAs form. If it's nipped in the bud before it becomes physical, I think it's recoverable. The consummation of the EA becomes the point of no return in my book.

[fooled once]

One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that.

 

I am not a BS, have never been cheated on .... yet I don't condone being an OW and I don't know why anyone would want to be one. I firmly believe if a person wants to be with someone, they will move heaven and earth to be with them.

 

I believe people make mistakes. A ONS is a mistake. An affair of the heart is not a mistake. An affair that lasts longer than a month is not a mistake.

 

I believe the cheater has issues and honestly, so does the OW. She is willing to only have a 'pretend' relationship, not a true, monogamous, truthful and honest relationship. Sneaking around, stealing moments, waiting and wondering .. for months, year ... not my cup of tea at all.

[fooled once]

This is where I get to disagree. I knew the marriage had flaws. I knew my part in those flaws. I also know that realizing my entire marriage was built on lies, abuse, and the need to control. I am by no means weak.

 

It took every ounce of strength that I had to walk away from more than 20 years with a man I thought I knew and a man I loved. My own emotional and mental health depended on me saving myself, through God's grace and mercy. I had a life, though not perfect, friends, family, traditions of my own. I also had children and nieces and nephews that we mentored.

 

I didn't try because there was no reason for me to try. What was I trying to save? The lie I was living. A marriage to a man who exposed me to STD's with a serial OW. Maybe I should have been trying to save the image he had created of the "crazy" woman and the saint of a husband who endured whatever she threw his way. Never mind he never treated me with respect and dignity. Never mind he encouraged my suicide attempts. Never mind that he brought an out of control OW into our lives that we still deal with from time to time.

 

It took everything I had and then some to walk away from the familiar into the unknown. On my own for the first time since I was 18. It took everything I had to begin to live life instead of exist. I took everything I had to admit I had some major problems and get help for those problems(still seek help when I feel overwhelmed). I took everything I had to look my children in the face and apologize for the things they endured at my hand and the hard times that they may face because I didn't want to stay with their father.

 

So weak I am not. Bitter I am not(thank God for his guidance). And the reason some of us don't try, because there is nothing to try to save.

 

Bent (hug) you are one of the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with. I commend you for your strength and your Faith.

 

Good story, Seren, but you are in a decided minority. Most marriages don't survive A'S, even after the BS tries to reconcile. It's no accident that there are so many websites dedicated to repairing broken relationships....Another question is , Are BS's showing weakness, by taking their WS/WSO back?

 

Where is your research to show that most affairs don't survive infidelity? You can't quote the Divorce rate because you don't know why people divorce. I divorced and it had nothing to do with infidelity so in my mind, you are not stating facts, you are making them up to suit your views.

 

JJ, I was going to reply to this thread with my story but I'm not sure if it would make much of a difference.

 

You seem to have your mind made up about us BS. We are a bitter, angry lot who are weak if we take our WS back while blaming the OW/OM for everything.

 

Even the title of this thread is condescending.

 

If you truly want to know why some BS decide to give their WS a second and final chance, then please ask your questions respectfully. Then I would be happy to answer.

 

I totally agree.

 

I don't really know your story, other than you were the OM to someone elses WS. Did she go back to her H? Are you bitter about that? Is that why you ask this question in the way you're asking it?

 

JustJoe seems bitter over the ending of the affair. That is my take on his responses to many posts on this forum.

 

People are individuals; there isn't a pat or black/white answer to the question. Each person has their own threshold of what they can and can't tolerate.

 

Instead of arguing with people's decisions or calling people weak/bitter/stupid... my advice is to open your mind. Maybe your non-negotiable is cheating; maybe someone else's is drug use. Heck many people even stay with people who physically abuse them. There is NO right or wrong answer.

 

I do agree that those that DO reconcile live a life that is full of pain; just like those that chose NOT to reconcile. No one gets to decide if the reconciling BS feels more pain than the non-reconciling BS.

 

But there is a common theme - pain and mistrust. Some can overcome it, some can't. It is an individual thing.

[whguy]

I've been dabbling a bit and as an ex-BS, it would depend on the circumstances.

 

Regardless of the circumstances, there's about a 90% chance you're going to be kicked to the curb. Infidelity affects roughly half of all long-term relationships (give or take a few percent). I think it's fair to expect my relationship to fall in the upper half.

 

That said, types and thoughts:

 

1. The WHOA, I had way too much to drink one-night stand. As stated above, depends on the circumstances, but if you're at a party, you have way too much to drink, somebody clearly takes advantage of you, you are devestated the next day and come clean on your own and own up to it, that's the "best" situation. Keep in mind what I mentioned about the 90% chance of being kicked to the curb. The 10% wiggle room comes in this.

 

2. The long-term affair. After seeing this in my own life, if you're so miserable being with me that you're going to make the MULTIPLE steps to start a whole new relationship on the side, pretty much no way I'm going to waste time. I don't know in that situation why my partner would be worth putting the effort into. I won't hate them, I'll forgive and move on, but if that's the choice one makes, they're making the choice to do it without me. MAYBE if kids become involved and there is a need to stay for their sake, but I buy into the thought that kids shouldn't be subject to a bad relationship because they'll follow in that patter. I don't have kids, though, so I can't say if my thoughts will change later. If that sounds harsh, I guess it is. I gotta have standards after being played for a fool in the past, though, as anybody I will date will learn of my history. Making a full-fledged affair all the worse.

 

In my case, the EA becomes the wiggle room. It's such a slippery slope, I can see how EAs form. If it's nipped in the bud before it becomes physical, I think it's recoverable. The consummation of the EA becomes the point of no return in my book.

 

Giving this more thought, just wanted to follow up. I don't think necessarily that all cheaters are evil. I believe some are, I believe that some start down a path and don't have the guts / ability / whatever to say no and turn back.

 

The first group, the "evil" group absolutely should be dumped. I lump serial cheaters, "sex addicts", etc. into that group. The second group should be dumped for different reasons. They either didn't love you enough, weren't ready to be married, or just didn't care enough about your feelings. In which case why not set both parties free to find true and lasting love. The 10% I discussed gives wiggle room to the very rare cases where something may be salvagable. And the EA "pass" comes because I don't know where a line is crossed outside of that physical interaction that comes later.

[JustJoe]

I guess, fooled, that is what i'm most interested in. How some can overcome and some cannot, and what it is that causes each. As for my own situation, you are quite free to speculate about my supposed anger, at the end of my affair, but in all probability, you would be wrong. I haven't, nor ever had, any anger at the BS, and ended the affair, because of the actions of the WS, not the BS.

[jennie-jennie]

I am not a BS, have never been cheated on .... yet I don't condone being an OW and I don't know why anyone would want to be one. I firmly believe if a person wants to be with someone, they will move heaven and earth to be with them.

 

I believe people make mistakes. A ONS is a mistake. An affair of the heart is not a mistake. An affair that lasts longer than a month is not a mistake.

 

I believe the cheater has issues and honestly, so does the OW. She is willing to only have a 'pretend' relationship, not a true, monogamous, truthful and honest relationship. Sneaking around, stealing moments, waiting and wondering .. for months, year ... not my cup of tea at all.

 

This statement amazes me. Was there only pain in the two years you were an OW, no pleasure? For me the pleasure has greatly outweighed the pain. Why else would I want to be an OW if not because it gave me pleasure and joy and love and happiness?

[JustJoe]

I think that we OP'S are lepers.

[jennie-jennie]

I think that we OP'S are lepers.

 

I guess we are.

[JustJoe]

The BS'S raked me over the coals today.

[jennie-jennie]

The BS'S raked me over the coals today.

 

I saw that. Don't they know you are a good guy?

 

Pure wrote this to me when I had been in conflict with another LS poster:

 

"Familiarity breeds contempt for those who cannot handle it, familiarity should breed loyalty, if it doesn't there's definitely a problem. Whenever someone is inconsistent, drop another like a bad habit if they do some perceived injustice... there is a serious problem. Look at yourself... you are real and consistent."

 

That goes for you too, Joe.

Edited May 19, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[reboot]

He got raked over the coals because of his words and attitude, not because he was an OM. Let's try not to turn this thread into the same tired old battle.

[jennie-jennie]

He got raked over the coals because of his words and attitude, not because he was an OM. Let's try not to turn this thread into the same tired old battle.

 

My point was that if you understand that a poster is a good person, you will understand that the intent was not bad. The poster I had a controversy with was an unapologetic OW. None of us are above coming in conflict with each other, but after a while we recognize each other as fellow posters here on LS, and should be able to show understanding that the intent most likely was not bad even though the result was. We can point out the mistakes made but in a way that does not reject "the offender".

[reboot]

I guess, fooled, that is what i'm most interested in. How some can overcome and some cannot, and what it is that causes each.

 

That's a good question. The is probably no one right answer. I'd assume lots of things factor in. Length of the relationship, shared history, children or not, how deep the love might have been in the first place, how open the two parties are to self examination and learning.