reboot Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I don't really know your story, other than you were the OM to someone elses WS. Did she go back to her H? Are you bitter about that? Is that why you ask this question in the way you're asking it?
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 JJ, to have a 'playful' title in an attempt to lighten up a heavy subject is one thing, to be flippant/condescending of a BS's pain is quite another. As a BS, I never even came close to saying something to my husband like the title suggested. I'm sure most, if not all, other BS likely did not say something like this either. I'm happy to share my experience and what I learned from it with anyone who asks. But the feeling I'm getting from some responses on this thread is that no matter what I post from my experience, it will be purposely misunderstood.
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Wow, just reread the OP and saw the '***** for brains' phrase. I missed that the first time. I guess I can safely surmise what the OP really thinks of BS.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Thorne, My MW is no longer with her BS, but I still won't take her back, too many lies. My "agenda", is to try to learn as much about EMA'S as possible, not from some bogus social worker website, filled with psycho-babel and feel-good non-answers, but from the participants themselves.......OK, EVERYBODY, I'm SORRY, SORRY, SORRY if I've offended anybody. I would change the title if I could, to make it more acceptable to all BS'S, but I don't know if that is possible. If you don't wanna post, and the thread dies, so be it. But , get off my butt, I meant no disrespect, to anybody, OK?
reboot Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Most marriages don't survive A'S, even after the BS tries to reconcile. I see your prejudices in nearly every post now. Does it make you feel better to think it's always the BS who begs for reconciliation? That's not been the story I usually see here. Mostly it's the WS that asks to come back, not the other way around. It was that way in my case. Probably it hurts that your OW threw you under the bus and ran back to H. I can understand that. Sorry, I guess I'm just another bitter BS being mean to OW/OM aren't I?
reboot Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Thorne, My MW is no longer with her BS, but I still won't take her back, too many lies. My "agenda", is to try to learn as much about EMA'S as possible, not from some bogus social worker website, filled with psycho-babel and feel-good non-answers, but from the participants themselves.......OK, EVERYBODY, I'm SORRY, SORRY, SORRY if I've offended anybody. I would change the title if I could, to make it more acceptable to all BS'S, but I don't know if that is possible. If you don't wanna post, and the thread dies, so be it. But , get off my butt, I meant no disrespect, to anybody, OK? Fine. You have been properly chastised. What is it you really want to know? Ask an honest question and we'll give you honest answers.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Reboot, I don't know you from Adam, nor your story, so how could I know WHAT you are? You disliked the title of this thread, and I was responding to that, alone. I haven't even gotten the chance to give my own opinion of the BS role in an affair, because I've been getting bashed for a stupid title. I do know that I would not automatically disgard a marriage, without long, hard, thought. I suppose that a great many aspects would have to be considered, history, remorse, kids, finances, trust, to name a few.
reboot Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 No problem. We got off to a bad start. We can start over.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Snowflower, you are free to "safely surmise", anything you choose. But you picked out one phrase, and are basing your opinion, on that alone. I also mentioned faith, love, money and stated that we ALL might Learn something, forget about them? Or do you have a problem with me personally?
kuma Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well here it is, folks. The long awaited BS thread. Why, oh, why would you ever , in a million years, take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Sh*t for brains? Tell me your stories about re-conciliation, and renewal. As always keep it civil and kind, and maybe we can learn a few things, along the way. I'm not BS, but my dad was. My mom and her MM divorced their spouses and got married. They eventually got divorced. My parents started seeing each other. I think they dated for 8 years. (They lived separately.) They're married now. Is she going to cheat again? I don't think so. I can tell they have a better relationship than before.
PhoenixRise Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 JustJoe It may not have been intentional, but there is a level of derision in your thread title. AND I looked back at some of the other threads you started and I didn't see this in any of your other threads. The people here who have truly reconciled their marriage worked damn hard to do it. There was nothing in it of "Sure I'll take you back, baby, I know you'll never do it again"
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Kuma, your parents story is incredible. To remarry after 8 years and an affair is truly a credit to both of them. I would be very interested in the issues and rewards they have faced and accepted. Also, thanks a lot for trying to help me get this thread back on topic.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Phoenix, did you read my apology? I have done all I intend to, to make amends. . If you don't like this thread, go elsewhere.
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I don't know you personally, of course. And I don't have a problem with you; in fact I was looking forward to this thread. I think you mentioned that you were thinking of starting this thread before. I have appreciated your perspective as a fOM in other posts. You asked what I found disrespectful about the title and I responded. I had looked forward to participating in this thread. However, for most of the BS who decided to reconcile with the WS, it was hard-won. Probably the hardest thing they have ever done. For most BS, it isn't as simple as just putting the blame on the OW/OM, sweeping the affair under the rug, and acting like everything is hunky-dory. For most BS, reconciling was a long, difficult, but often highly-rewarding process. The reasons for reconciling (or not) are individual to the BS and the WS. And it was not a decision or process that was undertaken lightly. When I read the posts of other BS (whether they reconciled or not) on this thread your responses were very simplistic and prejudiced, IMO. Many posters on this thread took the time to really explain why they gave their WS spouse a final chance. I was going to explain as well until it appeared that you had already made up your mind about the BS...no matter what we said.
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well at first I couldn't think at all about staying or leaving. I was seething with anger and wanted revenge. Did that...HUGE MISTAKE. I now stay because I understand more about infidelity and I no longer blame myself or my H. We are both happy are family is in tact, kids are happy. Now if it were to happen again...different outcome...I will leave if this happens again as I do not want to be married to a serial cheater. Next time my marriage hits a rut it will be off to MC first.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 It seems to me that in a large number of the success stories I've read, the essential communication, that WAS lacking int the relationship, has somehow been recovered, and broadened, to include the issues that lead up to , and the aftermath of , the affair. I would think that the remorse shown by the WS and the maturity shown by the BS are the reasons for this enhanced understanding. I may be wrong, but this communication also seems to help with the trust issues, as well.
PhoenixRise Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Phoenix, did you read my apology? I have done all I intend to, to make amends. . If you don't like this thread, go elsewhere. I don't need, want, or expect you to make amends. I am not angry or offended. I just expressed why I found your title off putting and I pointed out that your other threads are not like this. I also don't need you to tell me where to go or what to do. Frankly, I said in another thread that I was looking forward to you starting this thread as I thought something could be learned by it. It is too bad it started out with such a sour note. I do hope you find the answers you are looking for here.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 I am also interested in the different reactions of BS'S to PA'S as opposed to EA'S. Which was harder getting over, and why.
reboot Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 It seems to me that in a large number of the success stories I've read, the essential communication, that WAS lacking int the relationship, has somehow been recovered, and broadened, to include the issues that lead up to , and the aftermath of , the affair. I would think that the remorse shown by the WS and the maturity shown by the BS are the reasons for this enhanced understanding. I may be wrong, but this communication also seems to help with the trust issues, as well. Ahh yes. Communication. Women throw that up to us men all the time. Mostly we just don't get it though. But you're absolutely right. A serious lack of communication is often one of the main contributing factors leading up to an affair. Learning how to have real communication is usually mandatory if there is to be any chance of a reconciliation. Men really struggle with this as a general rule. We aren't typically taught interpersonal communication skills. We're problem solvers, not communicators. Dad taught us how to change the oil in the car, not how to be a good listener. We do better in the early stages of a relationship. We're trying to impress her, show her how interesting we are. We try really hard. But once we get her, we revert back to Mr. Hunter Gatherer. We get lazy. How many times have you heard a man say, "What can I do to fix this problem?", and a woman reply, "I don't need you to fix anything, I just need you to listen and be sympathetic. I'm just venting". Actually, that conversation would probably be a step in the right direction. More often a man would just think to himself, "She's just always b*tching, what a nag", while the woman thinks to herself, "He's such a pr*ck, he doesn't care about my feelings at all". It took me a long time to realize that women often need to talk just for the sake of talking. Not to solve a problem, not to make a plan, just to talk, just to get close, just to get into each others heads.
Hazyhead Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Ahh yes. Communication. Women throw that up to us men all the time. Mostly we just don't get it though. But you're absolutely right. A serious lack of communication is often one of the main contributing factors leading up to an affair. Learning how to have real communication is usually mandatory if there is to be any chance of a reconciliation. Men really struggle with this as a general rule. We aren't typically taught interpersonal communication skills. We're problem solvers, not communicators. Dad taught us how to change the oil in the car, not how to be a good listener. We do better in the early stages of a relationship. We're trying to impress her, show her how interesting we are. We try really hard. But once we get her, we revert back to Mr. Hunter Gatherer. We get lazy. How many times have you heard a man say, "What can I do to fix this problem?", and a woman reply, "I don't need you to fix anything, I just need you to listen and be sympathetic. I'm just venting". Actually, that conversation would probably be a step in the right direction. More often a man would just think to himself, "She's just always b*tching, what a nag", while the woman thinks to herself, "He's such a pr*ck, he doesn't care about my feelings at all". It took me a long time to realize that women often need to talk just for the sake of talking. Not to solve a problem, not to make a plan, just to talk, just to get close, just to get into each others heads. Sorry to chime in here - not really got anything to add to the thread, I just thought this post was genius You're spot on reboot!
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I am also interested in the different reactions of BS'S to PA'S as opposed to EA'S. Which was harder getting over, and why. You know the hardest thing for me to get over were the feelings of a bruised self-esteem (My self-esteem). My H's A was mostly a PA because well...we didn't have as much sex as he wanted to have and the OW fulfilled that. I think if he had told me that he was deeply involved with her and fell in love with her well that would hurt, I'm not sure I could get over that. I would hope that he would leave me for her...what's the point of recovering when the WS feels that way. I don't think my H loved his XAP. He panicked when I threatened to leave him and he has turned his act around 180...if he hadn't done that I would not be by his side.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 I have a huge problem with this also. I probably lost my college gf, because of it. She would talk about a problem, she perceived, that we had, and I would want concrete proposals on how to solve it, when sometimes the venting was a solution in itself. Along with this increased comm. there does seem to be an increased sensitivity, in re-conciling couples, almost like that which dating couples have.
2sure Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 My H's affairs were PAs with no sincere emotion involved. I took him back initially because...I honestly thought this was something we could put behind us. If there had been an emotional connection with anyone I'm sure I would have felt threatened and that would have changed things. As it is, his behavior continued. We are divorcing. For lots of reasons I'm confident he will not have another affair of any kind. I am divorcing him because true love requires one to put others before themselves, requires some personal sacrifice. He is not capable of that in the way that a spouse should be. Even if he never cheated again...that lack of empathy, that selfish perspective would show up again another way. Maybe through my leaving, having a very real and very negative consequence of his actions...he will have learned something valuable. I believe that. But Ive learned something too. When a man seems to have feelings for two women, neither is the real love they deserve. If he cannot decide between the two, he is clearly showing : He loves himself most, he is not willing to sacrifice, to put others first. Between OW and BS...they arent competing for anything but second and third place.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 LD, as both BS and WS, how has your communication with your H changed?
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 LD, as both BS and WS, how has your communication with your H changed? Our communication has improved, no doubt about that. I do notice that my H will try to avoid communication at times to which I will give him some space, but I always come back to the topic. We are both putting in 100% effort to be there for each other and love each other. Neither one of us is neglecting the other and if we feel that something is not feeling right we speak up. Our fights are few and far between now (we usually fight over family and in-law stuff). The kids emotions have settled down now and seem a lot happier, better adjusted. We are all a lot happier now. I wish things could have been this way from the start of having children. Our marriage turned for the worse after our first child was born due to decrease in sex and attention to my H...well duh taking care of a baby is a lot of work. We are back on track now...hope we don't ever lose that again. I think we both realized how close it got and happy we didn't crumble.
Recommended Posts