Please discuss reasons for taking a cheating spouse back.

[seren]

I too disagree that most BS's are bitter toward OW/OM. I have no animosity toward OW, just indifference.

 

I stayed after H's A because, I could see that we had problems before the A and understand what was happening with H that prompted the A.

I also weighed up our 26 years against 8 months of snatched moments and believed we had a more than good chance of making us work.

OW just didn't factor after D Day - WE did.

I loved/love him, always have, always will.

He loved/loves me, ditto above.

I never left the marriage - H did, he is now back.

We have had 2 1/2 years of reconciliation and it is good, dammed good, just a pity it took an A to make us both take our heads from up our own ar*** and see what was here all along.

I trust him, I believe in us, he is my soulmate and I his.

We are friends, we laugh, love and like.

 

Why would I not be with the person I love?

[JustJoe]

Good story, Seren, but you are in a decided minority. Most marriages don't survive A'S, even after the BS tries to reconcile. It's no accident that there are so many websites dedicated to repairing broken relationships....Another question is , Are BS's showing weakness, by taking their WS/WSO back?

[seren]

I suppose it depends on what you define as weak.

 

For me, weakness would be to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it didn't exist. We didn't, we talked and talked and talked about why, what where next. For some BS, staying is not on the cards, and so they leave, depends on the A depends on the M. I also believe that if I had left, I would never have known if we could have made it work, as stated H is my soulmate (yes I believe in the one), why would I leave him to settle for second best.

 

Most, no all, of my friends were gobsmacked I stayed - I am a very assertive, no messing sort of woman, most thought he would be kicked out, she in a shallow grave somewhere and me moving. It just shows how no one truly knows what they would do until they do it.

 

I find the whole A just very, very sad. My anger went long ago. It is not weak to forgive someone you love a mistake, even a planned, deliberate action. It is a decision not lightly made, not for money, houses, children and all the blah blah why a lot of people think we stay. Simply for love of my H, our M and a belief that we had something worth working on.

 

I see the A as weak. I see anyone who would settle for seeing someone who was never leaving and believing they were loved as sad. I understand falling in love with someone else, just don't get sharing - if H had decided he couldn't stop seeing OW and I stayed - I would view that as weak.

[Ann_Igma]

One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that.

 

I think that maybe initially aiming the anger at the OP is almost a bit of a defensive mechanism - a way to help cope with the fact that their spouse has seemingly become a different person to the one they thought they married. And for most, I do think that misdirected anger is just a phase.

 

I was definitely too angry with the OW in my situation at first, but I was shellshocked and just couldn't understand how my husband had changed most of his personality so dramatically in such a short amount of time. When a bit of time had passed and I came to my senses, I realised that my husband held sole responsibility for his actions.

 

I do still have some resentment against the OW in my situation, but that resentment is held for what I think is a much more valid reason - the fact that she was a friend before the EA, and she totally betrayed my friendship and hospitality.

[jennie-jennie]

For two very simple reasons

 

1 - I love him

 

2 - The happiness our life together brings me is greater then the pain his affair caused me, it is also greater then the risk of pain in the future.

 

Also - I'm not afraid of pain. Pain is a part of life. I won't live my life worried pain is going to hit me. I take precautions, but after that, I don't hide from what I enjoy just because there are risks. Get thrown from the horse, you get back on. Live live live for life only happens once.

 

If he stopped bringing me pleasure and enjoyment more then pain, then its over. But so far its not happened. I've made me choice, I let go and live.

 

CCL

 

Amen. This sums up perfectly why I took my two SOs who were both serial cheaters back time and time again.

[jennie-jennie]

I won't tolerate cheating. I know I'd never be able to forgive them and I'd never be able to forget about it.

 

Two of my close friends are married to men they have caught cheating on them and they remain in the marriages, but they are miserable. They have stayed because of the kids.

 

I didn't stay because of the kids, and would never stay for the kids, I stayed for me.

[Indypendence]

What I know is that everyone lies.

[crazycatlady]

CCL, I wasn't really interested in those BS's who didn't try to reconnect, just the ones who are.

 

Joe when you make the assertion that BS who stay are angry at the OW/OM more then anyone else, I'm going to refute it by bringing up the others. You brought them into play by saying making an assemption about the BS.

 

If you look at who has replied, those of us who have stayed, aren't bitter/angry at the OW/OM.

 

I'm not weak for staying. My children would have adapted fine no matter what we decided to do, we would have cut out our tongues before we made it difficult for them to handle. I didn't stay for any other reason then what I said before, love and the pain being way less then the happiness/pleasure/enjoyment of our relationship.

 

I'll be honest, in some was I think BS who don't even try must have had flawed relationships to begin with, and they don't want to deal with that flaw, they don't want to accept that the state the marriage was in pre-affair might have been partly due to them. And they are the weak ones. I find most other reconcilled spouses on here to be kind, gracious, generous, and understanding of the flaws of humans reguardless if the person is BS, WS, or OM/OW.

 

CCL

[bentnotbroken]

Joe when you make the assertion that BS who stay are angry at the OW/OM more then anyone else, I'm going to refute it by bringing up the others. You brought them into play by saying making an assemption about the BS.

 

If you look at who has replied, those of us who have stayed, aren't bitter/angry at the OW/OM.

 

I'm not weak for staying. My children would have adapted fine no matter what we decided to do, we would have cut out our tongues before we made it difficult for them to handle. I didn't stay for any other reason then what I said before, love and the pain being way less then the happiness/pleasure/enjoyment of our relationship.

 

I'll be honest, in some was I think BS who don't even try must have had flawed relationships to begin with, and they don't want to deal with that flaw, they don't want to accept that the state the marriage was in pre-affair might have been partly due to them. And they are the weak ones. I find most other reconcilled spouses on here to be kind, gracious, generous, and understanding of the flaws of humans reguardless if the person is BS, WS, or OM/OW.

 

CCL

 

 

This is where I get to disagree. I knew the marriage had flaws. I knew my part in those flaws. I also know that realizing my entire marriage was built on lies, abuse, and the need to control. I am by no means weak.

 

It took every ounce of strength that I had to walk away from more than 20 years with a man I thought I knew and a man I loved. My own emotional and mental health depended on me saving myself, through God's grace and mercy. I had a life, though not perfect, friends, family, traditions of my own. I also had children and nieces and nephews that we mentored.

 

I didn't try because there was no reason for me to try. What was I trying to save? The lie I was living. A marriage to a man who exposed me to STD's with a serial OW. Maybe I should have been trying to save the image he had created of the "crazy" woman and the saint of a husband who endured whatever she threw his way. Never mind he never treated me with respect and dignity. Never mind he encouraged my suicide attempts. Never mind that he brought an out of control OW into our lives that we still deal with from time to time.

 

It took everything I had and then some to walk away from the familiar into the unknown. On my own for the first time since I was 18. It took everything I had to begin to live life instead of exist. I took everything I had to admit I had some major problems and get help for those problems(still seek help when I feel overwhelmed). I took everything I had to look my children in the face and apologize for the things they endured at my hand and the hard times that they may face because I didn't want to stay with their father.

 

So weak I am not. Bitter I am not(thank God for his guidance). And the reason some of us don't try, because there is nothing to try to save.

[reboot]

I find it incredibly funny the number of people here that cannot see any side of any issue that isn't their own point of view. And they spend all their time here trying to convince everyone else why they're wrong if they don't see it that way.

 

Who in hell is anyone here (OP) to tell me I'm not doing the right thing?

 

I am breathlessly awaiting an answer.

[xxoo]

I didn't stay for any other reason then what I said before, love and the pain being way less then the happiness/pleasure/enjoyment of our relationship.

 

No experience--and I hope I never will--but I imagine the pain/reward ratio is a factor for most BS when choosing to stay. Heck, it is true for ANY spouse choosing to remain in a marriage, regardless of infidelity. If the pain in a marriage is greater than the rewards, most people will find a way to leave.

 

Maybe, then, the difference between BS who stay or leave has less to do with the strength or weakness of the BS, and more to do with the pain/reward the BS experiences. Drop two women in the same infidelity situation, and their pain will not be equal. We are different people, and experience betrayal differently. Drop two women in the same marriage, and their pleasure will not be equal. Again, different people, different experiences. A situation that falls clearly on the side of "greater reward" to one person may be "greater pain" to another. 5 or 10 years down the road, even the individual may feel differently about it (BS that leaves years later....or couples who reunite many years later and live happily together).

[Indypendence]

This is a new chapter of my marriage and life.

 

Time has taken the sting off quite a bit from the intial discovery that everything wasn't as I thought and the man I married and I had gotten lost.

 

Although, I STILL have flashbacks and feelings of punching him in the face when I hear a certain thing or see something that reminds me. What I had to accept is that he cannot change this.

 

I have a history, family, children, and love with and for my husband. I forgive him for totally disregarding my trust, being weak, and immature. I, unfortunately have made him suffer with my faults in the same categories. (not the trust )

 

There is no need for either he nor I to stay if this is not what we truly want at this point. One of my questions to him was, "Do you miss her? Honestly? I don't want you to stay with me for any other reason than you love me and want to. Not the kids. Not obligation, Not because you feel sorry for me right now, but because you want our marriage to work."

 

We weren't abusing each other, or fighting abnormally, we had just been accepting that this disconnect is normal. Everything

 

I love my children dearly and I know they love their father and I refuse to use them to hurt him and I know that he would not use them to hurt me either.

 

We are going to work this out and learn to talk to each other so that we understand what is being said. We are going to stop talking in code and really express our feelings whether we think feelings may be hurt or not.

 

I have enjoyed talking to others more than I have enjoyed talking to and being around my spouse during the time of his affair. So, I can see how he was enjoying the attention of another woman other than me. The difference is, I used common sense.

[2sunny]

Sure I'll take you back, baby. I know you'll never do it again

 

if the word "never" is used - i immediately become suspicious. wishful thinking against realistic odds make me skeptical every time...

[JustJoe]

Reboot, I'm the OP here, and I don't think I've ever talked to you about this issue, nor have I stated my own opinion.

[JustJoe]

CCL, I'm not making any assertions at all, I'm merely throwing out ideas to find out people's opinions......But while I'm talking to you, aren't you in a Polyamorous marriage? What would even constitute "cheating", for you?

[Spark1111]

One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that.

 

Interesting point, JustJoe...

 

I agree with Ana that it is a knee-jerk reaction for many when they reconcile with a WS, because to let the full force of your rage and pain out at the WS is to ensure the final nail in the coffin; it is easier to divorce at that point.

 

So hating the OW/OM is a deflection of releasing that rage on your WS, but it WILL BE released in small pockets during the course of the reconciliation for YEARS.

 

That wasn't how I felt, but I do understand those who do.

 

It takes more courage to try and reconcile, IMHO. I wouldn't withstand this pain for either love, nor money, and fortunately I did not have to. The babies are grown and I make my own money.

 

But he came begging, and pleading and crying every step of the way; truly remorseful and willing to do anything in his power to keep us together: therapy, MC, total transparency, attention, affection, and appreciation every single day since DDAY.

 

I love him, always have, and we look at it now as an temporary insanity, an aberration in a long and loving and passionate history of "us."

 

I forgave him, but he still works on forgiving himself and concludes it was the stupidest, darkest chapter in his life. What he lost is incomparable to the feel-good moments of his ill-conceived affair; his self-respect and the respect of others.

 

Unfortunately, some people do not realize what they had/have until it is walking out the door.

[2sunny]

an affair changes things forever. what was previously known instantly becomes the unknown. never to be recognized again.

 

what was thought to be truth becomes something to question at every turn...

 

tough recovery - even when forgiveness is involved.

[Spark1111]

Good story, Seren, but you are in a decided minority. Most marriages don't survive A'S, even after the BS tries to reconcile. It's no accident that there are so many websites dedicated to repairing broken relationships....Another question is , Are BS's showing weakness, by taking their WS/WSO back?

 

Well, you have to define weakness.

 

Just as we weren't privy to the affair, the OM/OW is usually not privy to the reconciliation.

 

I put the man through hell! Had a bag packed and a divorce attorney's number for over a year! Kept telling him to "go get her," if that's your soulmate you lying, sneaking @llkt! Told trusted friends and family and started planning my future without him.

 

Doubt he told his OW that! I think he mentioned something about my unrelenting hostility.....hahahahaha!

 

So no, I think weakness is always ASSUMED on the part of someone who accepts a WS back; or maintaining the status quo; or familial history.

 

Assume nothing is my thought. And remember, if your MM or MW is so good at deceit as to maintain an affair, chances are if they try to reconcile, well now they may be, just may be lying to their AP, JustJoe!

[reboot]

Why, oh, why would you ever , in a million years, take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Sh*t for brains?

 

 

Reboot, I'm the OP here, and I don't think I've ever talked to you about this issue, nor have I stated my own opinion.

 

 

Based on the first quote above, from your original post, and other comments you've made that I didn't bother to quote, your opinion seems quite clear.

 

I'm certainly not trying to start an argument. You are, of course, welcome to your opinion, so long as your realize it doesn't change anyone elses reality.

[Snowflower]

JJ, I was going to reply to this thread with my story but I'm not sure if it would make much of a difference.

 

You seem to have your mind made up about us BS. We are a bitter, angry lot who are weak if we take our WS back while blaming the OW/OM for everything.

 

Even the title of this thread is condescending.

 

If you truly want to know why some BS decide to give their WS a second and final chance, then please ask your questions respectfully. Then I would be happy to answer.

[reboot]

JJ, I was going to reply to this thread with my story but I'm not sure if it would make much of a difference.

 

You seem to have your mind made up about us BS. We are a bitter, angry lot who are weak if we take our WS back while blaming the OW/OM for everything.

 

Even the title of this thread is condescending.

 

If you truly want to know why some BS decide to give their WS a second and final chance, then please ask your questions respectfully. Then I would be happy to answer.

 

Thanks. That's basically what I was trying to say, but I botched it all up.

[Owl]

I have to agree with the comments about the title of this thread...it came across the same way to me as well.

 

Not interested in posting my 'story' again especially in that light...anyone interested can do a search or PM me for a link if you just gotta have it.

[JustJoe]

My opening statement was and is an attempt to lighten up , what is for many a very dark and anger filled chapter in their lives, but I see that my attempt at humor has fallen flat. I can't be disrespectfull of ANYONE'S story , if I haven't heard it. If any of you read my "Disclosure, Datclosure", thread you would see how my humor is used to insure that nobody is singled out. It seems to me that BEFORE you criticize me and accuse me of something, Hey, you might have asked, Huh?

[JustJoe]

Reboot, Snowflower, and Owl, if my somewhat flippant opening is disrespectful to any of you , in particular, maybe you can tell me how so? I'm not a BS, and don't want to be, but I have poked good-natured fun at WS , OM/OW's, also in other threads.

[reboot]

If your question is, "why would you take back a cheating spouse?", maybe you should just ask it that way. You'll have a lot of replies in no time.

 

Insinuating that we have "Sh*t for brains" isn't going to elicit many serious responses.