JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) Well here it is, folks. The long awaited BS thread. Why would you take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Please share your stories about re-conciliation, and renewal. As always keep it civil and kind, and maybe we can learn a few things, along the way. Edited May 18, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
collegemommy Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well, my now current ex cheated on me two years ago. He went to work one morning and just didn't come home. I was hurt and angry and had no way of contacting him since he changed his number immediately that same night. Almost a month later, I got a call. He asked to meet me at "our" apartment. I did and he basically told me that he was sorry. He loved me and realized that he couldn't be without me. At the time, I didn't realize he left because he was cheating on me at the time. Call me naive but I just didn't believe he was ever capable of hurting me in that way. So we got back together. A week later, he admitted to cheating on me when I found a picture of him tagged by some girl (pretty sexual picture) on myspace. I asked him about it and he came clean. I lost all trust in him and that was the first time he ever truly hurt me. I try to think about what I would have done if I had been aware that he was cheating when he came back. I probably would have taken him back anyway. Mainly because I loved him and because we have such a long history. He is my ex now so I guess my response isn't really needed. I just don't think that if someone cheats on you once that it makes you a stupid person for trying to work things out. Sometimes you just feel so connected to a person that you want to fully believe they would never hurt you in that way again.
crazycatlady Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well here it is, folks. The long awaited BS thread. Why, oh, why would you ever , in a million years, take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Sh*t for brains? Tell me your stories about re-conciliation, and renewal. As always keep it civil and kind, and maybe we can learn a few things, along the way. For two very simple reasons 1 - I love him 2 - The happiness our life together brings me is greater then the pain his affair caused me, it is also greater then the risk of pain in the future. Also - I'm not afraid of pain. Pain is a part of life. I won't live my life worried pain is going to hit me. I take precautions, but after that, I don't hide from what I enjoy just because there are risks. Get thrown from the horse, you get back on. Live live live for life only happens once. If he stopped bringing me pleasure and enjoyment more then pain, then its over. But so far its not happened. I've made me choice, I let go and live. CCL
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well here it is, folks. The long awaited BS thread. Why, oh, why would you ever , in a million years, take a cheater back? Faith? Love? Money? Sh*t for brains? Tell me your stories about re-conciliation, and renewal. As always keep it civil and kind, and maybe we can learn a few things, along the way. I think if the cheater shows true remorse and a willingness to really work on the R then there is good reason to take him/her back. If we as humans didn't have hope for positive change there would be no schools, no prisons, no personal coaches and no rehabs. Every book as a moral of the story (positive change usually) so there would be no books either if we didn't believe in hope.
Ann_Igma Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 (edited) Edit: I typed out a long rambly post, and then CCL and White Flower summed up my sentiments far more eloquently than I was able to. Basically the gist was that in my opinion the series of choices and actions of his EA were not at the time more than the sum of all of his parts. Less than 4 months of an EA, however stupid and hurtful he was, was not quite enough for me to totally nullify 9 years of a positive and loving relationship. Note: He did still end up blowing the chance I gave him though, and I'm now still with him because we're expecting a baby in a few weeks (!!!). So there's a bit of a chance here for the sake of the baby, but my heart isn't in it as much and I find myself a lot less hopeful for a good outcome as far as our M is concerned. Edited May 18, 2010 by Ann_Igma
D-Lish Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I won't tolerate cheating. I know I'd never be able to forgive them and I'd never be able to forget about it. Two of my close friends are married to men they have caught cheating on them and they remain in the marriages, but they are miserable. They have stayed because of the kids.
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Edit: I typed out a long rambly post, and then CCL and White Flower summed up my sentiments far more eloquently than I was able to. Basically the gist was that in my opinion the series of choices and actions of his EA were not at the time more than the sum of all of his parts. Less than 4 months of an EA, however stupid and hurtful he was, was not quite enough for me to totally nullify 9 years of a positive and loving relationship. Note: He did still end up blowing the chance I gave him though, and I'm now still with him because we're expecting a baby in a few weeks (!!!). So there's a bit of a chance here for the sake of the baby, but my heart isn't in it as much and I find myself a lot less hopeful for a good outcome as far as our M is concerned. Hugs to you Ann_ Igma:(
crazycatlady Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Edit: I typed out a long rambly post, and then CCL and White Flower summed up my sentiments far more eloquently than I was able to. Basically the gist was that in my opinion the series of choices and actions of his EA were not at the time more than the sum of all of his parts. Less than 4 months of an EA, however stupid and hurtful he was, was not quite enough for me to totally nullify 9 years of a positive and loving relationship. Note: He did still end up blowing the chance I gave him though, and I'm now still with him because we're expecting a baby in a few weeks (!!!). So there's a bit of a chance here for the sake of the baby, but my heart isn't in it as much and I find myself a lot less hopeful for a good outcome as far as our M is concerned. I'm sorry to hear that. But staying when the pain is greater then the pleasure isn't worth it, baby or not (well unless there are medical benefits etc needed to see a pregnancy through and other things) Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, labor, birth, and the beginning months. *************** I don't think everyone should stay after infidelity. For some people the pain/hurt/anger is too much. Others its a pride issue. Others have other breaking points when its too much. I don't consider cheating to be the worse marital sin. I personally consider these to be worse - - dramatically changing who you are after marriage - a non-believer becoming religious, or being religious and becoming a non-believer (as an example - trying to control the other partner's life - verbal belittleing on a regular basis. Maybe not emotional abuse, just really inconsiderate - drugs, drinking, gambling and being unwilling to even consider something is wrong - violence - financial irresponsibility - I knew someone who had over 15k of debt unknown to her spouse it was mind boggling. - lack of sexual interest in partner (I don't know how you guys deal with that one, I sure wouldn't put up with it for long without a medical reason) These to me would be harder for me to tolerate then an affair. Womanizing serial cheating....and maybe my view would change. And I felt this way way before we opened out marriage, way before I even seriously considered it. CCL
aerogurl87 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Well I'm not married but my ex cheated on me multiple times (he never admitted but he told my best friend about it and there was tons of circumstantial evidence to support my suspicions) and I took him back. It was out of guilt though, because I cheated on him near the beginning of our relationship. Had I not felt any guilt, I would've kicked him to the curb.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that.
crazycatlady Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that. Really? I have not noticed that at all to be true. In fact I would say its the opposite.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 I think so CCL, they blame the "homewreckers", for "stealing", their SO'S away.
crazycatlady Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I think so CCL, they blame the "homewreckers", for "stealing", their SO'S away. I'm almost positive I've never seen those words used by anyone seriously, at least on here. Maybe on other sites, but I tend to avoid the sites that are mostly bitter BSes. I would say its the opposite here on Loveshack though. Or at least that's how it seems to me. I would say the really angry ones towards the OW/OM are the BS who did not try to reconnect, the former WS or the former OM/OW. At least from what I've read.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 CCL, I wasn't really interested in those BS's who didn't try to reconnect, just the ones who are.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 I have chosen to stay because of my history with my husband and we have a small child. I have also only committed to staying for one year into our recovery and then I will make a final decision. We both come from crappy backgrounds and we don't have great chances of being able to hold together a marriage anyways. We are both committed to rebuilding our relationship to make a healthy home for our daughter. The marriage counselor we are seeing believes that there is a good prognosis for my husband if he actually does his treatment. I have a lot of ambivalence about our relationship but I still do love my husband (though not nearly as much as I used to). I do not respect him very much now that I know what he is capable of doing without remorse or real justification. I have no intentions of becoming involved with another if this marriage survives or doesn't.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 DOT, is your child your major motivation, or your anxiety about another relationship?
turnstone Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 One thing I've noticed, is that BS's who take their WS or WSO's back are the ones who are most angry at the OM/OW's.. So is/ and how much self-delusion is involved? I mean, You KNOW that they are liars, and you KNOW that they are deceptive, yet many will believe them , even after that. I think the ones that are the most angry are the ones who have only recently found out regardless of whether they allow the WS back into their life or not. Given enough time, the circumstances surrounding the affair are put into perspective and as a result of that the anger dissipates. I personally feel that this state is achieved quicker if the BS doesn't wish to work on the marriage, but in case that sounds harsh to anyone - of course this doesn't mean I feel all BS should not try to work on their marriages. But more on topic; Having read a lot of posts from many different BS, it would seem that when a WS is sincerely remorseful and when the BS is emotionally healthy, then the marriage has a real chance of working and so of course then the WS should be offered a second chance. Ironically it would also seem that its when the BS isn't emotionally healthy, that s/he is more likely to take them back. Unsurprisingly.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Turn, This is the delusion factor, I'm talking about. The BS'S most capable of actually reconnecting are the stable ones, with no illusions, but BECAUSE they have no illusions, they are less likely to even try. While the dependent ones , usually do, and run the risk of having it happen again.
White Flower Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Ironically it would also seem that its when the BS isn't emotionally healthy, that s/he is more likely to take them back. Unsurprisingly. Turnstone I wonder if you have stats or any expert quotes on that.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 WF, I don't know if TS has proof positive, but I think he definitely has a good point.
LifesontheUp Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Threw him out on d-day as he wouldn't give his soulmate up. He came begging me to take him back within a week or so as she wasn't what he wanted. I did try and give our marriage a chance but when the fog started to clear for me I realised he was still a selfish a$$ and thought only of himself so I started divorce proceedings. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater as I do think some will change. Just in my situation I no longer loved or respected him.
turnstone Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Turnstone I wonder if you have stats or any expert quotes on that. No, of course not (unless I'm considered an expert) hence the word 'seem' shortly after the sentence 'Having read a lot of posts from many different BS' WF, I don't know if TS has proof positive, but I think he definitely has a good point. She, Jo, she.... but thanks for the vote of confidence.
Author JustJoe Posted May 18, 2010 Author Posted May 18, 2010 Sorry, TS, still learning who is who and what is what.:D
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