What is my ex doing?

[wingman2]

I'm honestly getting sort of sick of this. Alright for those of you who don't know much about my story you can read some older threads of mine I've posted on this site that go over in vivid detail about my breakup situation.

But to speed things up I'll just say me and my ex have been broken up for 2 months and a week now. Her reason's are still as of now not exactly known, although she did give several reasons as to why she felt she needed to break up with me, she came across really indecisive and never really layed down a solid purpose for wanting to break up. All I know is that she just didn't feel ready to settle down regardless of the fact we've been together for 3 years and a half and she brought up the topic about marriage all the time. She felt that she needed to be single to figure herself out, well to focus on herself. She wasn't exactly sure as to what she wanted to be out of college, she never really decided on a career path, well her career goals were always changing but she felt she needed to focus on that before having marriage in mind. Well turns out she ended up wanting to do exactly what I thought she was going to do anyways so whatever.

 

Another reason (which I believe may be the main reason she broke up with me) is she believed I was too dependent on her and while yes I was to some extent, there was also a huge misconception which she never allowed me to explain because she took every word out of my mouth as a desperate attempt to try and convince her to stay. She completely shut me out after breaking up with me and acted as if I had done something awful and never wanted a part of me again. All together though I believe she was and currently remains still very confused. I even asked if she'd rather just take a break and get back together later with which she responded that no because anything can happen but then later admits that she just doesn't want to ever be with me again. It was really painful considering I've been such a wonderful boyfriend to her and she knows it, and before anyone says she just didn't love me anymore, I'm pretty sure she did. She cried when she broke up with me, even admitted that she loved me and was going through a painful time during the breakup herself. I found out she would cry for me everyday.

 

Well aside from all that 2 weeks after the break up we have our last conversation to just kind of end things although she was confusing and that's when I respected and acknowledged the break up and went in NC. We stayed in NC for 3 and a half weeks when she wrote me saying that some things have been bugging her so much and she's been wondering if I've been thinking of her as much as she has been thinking of me. We exchanged txt messages throughout that week, me always responding the next day or several hours later and then put her off for a week until actually talking. She even admitted she missed me incredibly and was confused on whther or not to remain in contact.

 

After our first meet together she lost all interest in me so over a week later I started questioning her with text messages as to why she was so interested in communicating with me the week prior. Well I found out that she just wanted to know how I was feeling, whether I still missed her, if I still care but ever answer I received after that weren't really answers at all rather they were just questions being thrown back at me. Even my last questions was "Are you implying you would like to try and work something out?" with which she responded with "What do you mean by something?" I gave up right then since the questioning was getting me no where.

 

Two days go by and she text me asking me what I'm doing (always signifies that she wants to talk) however I put her off that weekend and played a little hard to get. Always responding the next day or several hours later and making myself look busy so that she gets the hint that I can't talk (although I got the feeling she wanted to discuss something specific) but regardless she still continued to text me and try to get me to talk to her. Then a week goes by and last Saturday night I texted her saying that I'm available to talk this weekend. She then txt back and all she ask's is what I'm doing and how I'm doing but above all she really had no interest in speaking with me that night. We just pretty much had a half hour talk through texting and always responding with fairly lame one word response messages that I couldn't find a way to respond back with. The strange thing is that her last message I didn't receive until 45 minutes after my last one which makes me wonder what took her so long but whatever, I never wrote back after that, didn't want to look like i'm waiting around for her.

 

I then decide to do NC again giving time for her to reach out to me this time. Well she did, the next night actually. She text's me asking if I'm available and then out of the blue just tells me to call her. I did so out of curiosity since the entire purpose of contacting her saturday was to let her open up and see if there was in fact anything important she had to say. This time I figured she did since she specifically asked me to call her. Well I ended up calling her, she was surprised that I actually did but like the conversation we had the night before she was quiet, not really saying much, I was doing most of the talking but I wasn't bringing up the relationship nor the break up. This time I wasn't too nervous but neither did I want to ask too many questions, I wanted to see what she had to say but she was just responding to me. The conversation lasted only 10 minutes and she was the one to end it. The only thing I got out of it was I've found out she's not doing too well in college. She's failed some exams and completely failed a project she was working on. This is creating some concern for me since that's not the kind of person I remember her as. She's always been really ambitious and had a lot of motivation, always getting things done so it's unlike her to be going through this. I worry about her because of this.

 

 

Overall I just don't understand what she's doing. I'm trying to create a balance with this push/pull tactic but my intuition keeps telling me that she has something she wants to discuss with me but everytime we do she just remains sort of quiet and ending the conversation really quick. She ended it by saying "sorry I don't want to keep you waiting so we'll talk another time" Keep me waiting for what?

 

I'm not looking to be her friend, just simply wanted to know what it was she wanted to talk about, if I see the conversation is getting no where I cut it off unless she gets to it before I do which is usually the case. Last night I was really frustrated for the fact that she didn't show any effort of trying to reconcile in our conversation so that leaves me confused as to why she wanted to talk in first place. If she has no intention of wanting to get back together than why waste time talking with someone you know you'll eventually never say a word to ever again in your life? Which makes me believe she might want to get back together.

 

The question is now what? I'm not going to contact her but what do I do if she contacts me? What if from here on she starts to show me more interest? Will that mean road to reconciliation or just wanting friendship? Would friendship actually benefit us in reuniting? I know our last break up it sort of did.

 

Last night after talking to her, the more I felt like I didn't want her back but that was due to her not saying what I was hoping to hear. However today I'm missing her more than ever before. I just really wish I knew what her intentions were so I could play my cards right.

 

Should I just continue with NC and just allow her to miss me some more regardless if she writes or not? Or respond but alwasy repond a day or two later. Hope to receive some insight from all of you.

[EthanH]

mate, don't know how many times anyone needs to say this. You are not helping yourself. Give up! if she comes back to you, she will.. but you being upset about things and moping around, basically putting your life on hold IS NOT going to make that any more likely, it is just going to mess you up and in fact it will probably make you less likely to get her back, when you meet her, no matter what you do, she is going to notice the impact this has had on you, after waiting around for this long, she is going to notice you are a quivering mess, you are going to be intense, you are going to be scary to her, as her feelings will have tempered, yours, at the moment you next meet her will be heightened. You need to stop this, stop counting down the days since you last saw her. If she wants you she will come back. You miss her, but there is nothing you can do.

 

i know this is hard, and i really feel for you, but you need to stop what you are doing, and if you continue, you only have yourself to blame...

[ALombard]

Hey wingman, seriously just go NC. I know a lot of us guys on here give advice to others about going and staying NC and then a few days later we're on here bitching about how we messed up and contacted our ex's or let them talk to us.

 

One thing I learned from last week is this...I went 4 days without talking to her at all! First day sucked, second day sucked but I felt better, 3rd day I felt ok, 4th day I felt great. Now keep in mind she kept trying to call me each morning on these days. Well on the 4th day I finally talked to her and to be completely honest it did nothing for me. It made me miss her again, it made me want to question her about us and about her new guy. It did nothing for me and it will do nothing for you.

 

You read on here all the time from other guys who have been dumped where they say just leave it alone and if she really wants you back she will tell you. No games, no bull****, she will tell you.

 

So do yourself a favor man, just stop! It sucks ass I know that but dude it's nowhere near worth the pain you or confusion you'll go through by pretending like your strong enough to talk to her. If you were you wouldn't be posting on here.

 

Keep in touch if you want, I'm always here to help. But yeah it's time to say goodbye, do what I did. I sent her one last text saying, "thank's for the good times. I love you and you will always be special to me, but I'm moving on now so goodbye. Please no more phone calls or texts or anything."

[wingman2]

Yeah I know, I've been considering that since I almost feel that keeping this LC is only helping her forget our relationship that we had and helping her move on, even if things may have brought her back again two nights ago. I'd rather know that my chances are high and go strict NC until she realizes that she let a good thing go, and I say this because we had a really strong relationship and connection that honestly felt unbreakable even though she proved that to be untrue it's still very hard for me because it's tough living without her and what's worse is the way I look at her now that she's gone. She was pretty harsh during the process and it was unexpected, neither did I receive any closure so part of me is really displeased with her, looks back on her as a liar and backstabber. Even when I look back on the good times all I see is someone who stabbed me in the back and who was fake the entire time. Even though she wasn't, it just felt like she was because she never allowed me to have a say, she was never willing to just discuss things first and left me with my mind spinning in circles even to today.

 

It's really tough not being able to look back on the good times and be able to actually enjoy the memories without thinking anything negative about her. What made it worse is how loving she was just a week prior towards the breakup. It's all just really confusing, but what I honestly want most is for her to just come to the realization that she made a mistake or perhaps wasn't to fair and wants to try and work something out and if she could honestly show me that she wants me back and puts in effort into starting something with me again and becomes the girl I fell in love with, then with time I'll be comfortable with her again and that's what I want most. It'll take a really long time for me to build trust in her again, and truthfully her leaving me has erased all trust I had for her but not just for her but any girl I were to be with in the future. Because we were so committed and loyal to eachother, she was the perfect girl for me and she always claimed that I had everything she wanted in a guy inside and outside and she had it all for me too, there was never a thing I disliked about her and neither did we get in many fights. I was always respectful towards her, never came across as jealous, but in the end she still leaves and makes it feel like it was my fault and I just don't understand why. Makes it feel like no matter what I do I still don't have what it takes to keep a girl. We were even planning to get married.

 

I've had relationships before her. I was with a girl for almost 2 years before meeting her, but every relationship I've had before her never really meant a thing to me (although that relationship was more lust than love). This girl was the only girl I've ever loved and who I truly felt compatible with. I knew she was the one and I still believe she is, that is why I believe that if I just end things on good terms with her (which I did) and respect her decision, then just allow her to miss me a lot, I believe there'll be good chances for a future reconciliation unless she just completely changes into somebody else. This is why I fear that staying in LC with her might jeapordize this chance, but because I'm uncertain of her intentions I really just don't know.

 

That is why I'm asking on her for anyone's opinion on what they believe her intentions might be for wanting to talk, calling me up or asking me to call but not really saying much. It's really just confusing me and I don't know what to think of it. Anyways sorry for rambling on, I tend to do that.

[EricaH329]

I'm trying to create a balance with this push/pull tactic

 

And this is beneficial in what way? This is considered a game, and if you continue to play it, you are just as guilty as she is (for not cutting off communication).

 

If the both of you were to reconcile, then the relationship will start off with this nonsensical game. You don't want to start any relationship off like that. It's a bad start.

 

I'm not looking to be her friend

 

That's all you need to know. Friendship = communication. No friendship = NC.

 

The question is now what? I'm not going to contact her but what do I do if she contacts me?

 

Ignore it.

 

What if from here on she starts to show me more interest? Will that mean road to reconciliation or just wanting friendship?

 

If she wants to reconcile, those words need to come straight from her. She needs to tell you that she wants to make things work. If she doesn't say those things, then it's pointless to stay in contact with her.

 

If she has something she needs to say to you, it's all on her to tell you. You cannot wait around for it, and you shouldn't have to.

[wingman2]

Alright.. but about the phone call. What would be her motiv for wanting to call her? Or to ask more precisely, why do women contact their ex's, ask them to call and such? We already talked a month ago, why does she continue to contact me from time to time?