URGENT PLEASE READ, long message, but I need help in a very serious way

[abearlovesabean]

hey all, I'm in a real fix here. ok where to start, how about the beginning. I met this girl, we will call her "bean" (short for jellybean, my pet name for her, another story entirely). I met her in college during my first semester and the courtship began. I moved into her dorm on the same floor because of room mate problems and we grew very close in every way, physically, emotionall, etc. all that good stuff. anyway we were desperately in love with eachother, and we hit a couple rough patches for some reason and there were some half assed attempts at breaking up heh. but we got back together, the love was just too strong to let workable problems get in the way, and my motto is with an open mind all problems are workable. so it was time for me to leave for the summer. long story short, I was jerkin around all year with school work and I got academically suspended for a year. so we had what seemed like a HUGE time apart for us. we agreed to stick it out.

 

All was going well, until august when we both delved into personally unhealthy psychological states. I had formed a substance addiction and she had her own baggage that I won't disclose. in september we broke up. things just got too tough and the break idea wasn't working. I was so mad at her and I said some very very very very nasty things because I was so hurt and I wasn't thinking straight. we didn't speak for two months. when I felt ready to forgive and move on, I decided to talk to her for closure. needless to say, I was still deeply in love with her, although I lied myself into believing that I wanted to be single. she wanted me back desparately as well and we got back together. I visited her once in november and we stayed together for a long weekend. Everything was better than I could ever have imagined.

 

To make a long story very short, everything was going well, although by january I hadn't seen her for 2 months. the distance was rough but we were committed and happy until plans for a long visit fell through. This was rough on us. We started a cycle of fighting that lasted a week and a half straight, with brief interims of civility and positive hopes that were dashed by the next fight. She told me that she was not feeling sexually attracted to me anymore because of all the fighting and that somehow her feelings had changed. I knew what she meant, she didn't really articulate it but I knew exactly what she was feeling and it scared me crapless. What she meant was that she knew she loved me but all the fighting made it hard to remember why, if that makes sense. We then agreed to take a break for this weekend to try to break the cycle of fighting. We were just not going to talk all weekend. Before we had started, however, it became clear that while I was using the weekend to try to fix problems that I brought to the relationship, she was using it to decide whether or not she wanted to even stay with me.

 

PLEASE someone help me. I can't lose her again. I literally almost died the last time. LITERALLY. And after all that pain, all that work to forgive, all that beauty that we resurrected, I can't possibly allow this to slip through my grasp again. I love her more than anyone else in my life. I have lied, cried and I would honestly and sincerely die for this girl. How can I talk her into staying with me if she wants to leave? How can I boost her spirits and hopes about the chances of it working out because without a positive attitude I know we won't get anywhere. How do I keep the most prescious gift God has graced me with in my short life? we talk again tomorrow and the agony of potential defeat is killing me. someone please help. thank you so much!!!

[Liv'nLearning]

Dear ABear,

 

I know what you are feeling are withdrawal symptons not unlike the very same symptons you have gone through to get off your "stuff".

 

First, may I say although I can see you have very deep feelings for this girl, no woman and I mean no woman is worth dying for! Think about the word desperate and what that really means to you. If you have come to rely on her to define you, keep your spirits up, provide you with a reason for being a better person, you have a lot of work to do on yourself first and foremost.

 

First of all, you can't offer any woman your whole self A, if you don't respect yourself and get back your self-esteem first. You have to get to know who you are and where you are headed in life.

 

No woman or man wants to be the sole responsibility for someone else's happiness. In fact, the more you lean and push for her love, the more you will push her away.

 

She wants a whole man who she can respect and who communicate and work through problems effectively without all the rucus.

 

In order to prove your worth and it may be past that point of no return, you have to work on what you want, where you are headed, what is important to you and getting back your self esteem first!!!!!!!

 

I wish you peace and wisdom.

[abearlovesabean]

well, I guess dying is a little too strong for a description of how I feel. I have fine self esteem. trust me. I've been through a whole lot and I know I will get through it if she breaks it off. However I do love her, and she isn't the sole source of my happiness or self worth. The bottom line is this. I love the girl, I need some ideas to help her stick with me for just long enough to show her why I am worth sticking with. Ya know? I love her to the moon and back. she's really adorable and has amazing qualities, and I will admit, I have been insecure recently, but many transitions have been going on in my life at the moment and I have trouble with transitions. anyway, I know what I need to do to fix the problems that arise from my end and I know it's worth saving. does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can just maybe convince her to stay with me just long enough to prove my worth as a partner, and not as a burden, as this relationship has felt like recently?

[Vivid_29]

You need to get a grip on yourself and stop acting like a pu$$y! It sounds like your entire self worth is hanging in the balance of whether or not you can get her to stay with you.

 

Get some balls and self esteem. You said that you have self esteem, but I don't think so. If you have to drain yourself to come up with ideas on how to convince her to stay, then it was never meant to be. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

If she wants to leave, because she is unhappy, then let her leave and find someone whom you don't have to try and convince to stay.

 

Don't do it man. You're just gonna end up emotionally drained and even more broken hearted, if she does end up leaving! All that for nothing, with no payoff.

 

Not everyone is compatible. Maybe, it's just not the right time for the two of you. Just let your relationship take its course!

 

 

 

~V

[Samson]

I felt sorry that this message had gone unreplied and am now writing this response.

Let me get it straight:

1. Boy meets Girl

2. Girl leaves Boy

3. Boy feels Bad

 

Life goes on.

 

OK, now I feel much better

[Kriz]

I don't know. I know you shouldn't marry her. Someone on the forum here taught me marriage is bad. Very bad. Like hell, really.

[Samson]

Yeah, and don't be lulled into complacency by REALLY GREAT NOSTRILS!

[Kriz]

Why not? It's a hole like any other.

[Samson]

WHERE'S THE MODERATOR!!!!!

 

Sounds like you'd need to increase the number of steps (drinks) in your "dating" scheme to actually take advantage of these holes.

[Kriz]

Ok, now I feel sorry for hijacking this guy's serious thread.

 

I would honestly and sincerely die for this girl.

 

Never ever think or say that. There's plenty more where she came from. if you do love her, do as she says. If she's not worth doing that, move on and get yourself a new one while you can without expenses.

[mintjulep]

Sometimes there is so much baggage in a relationship that it's literally just too hard to pick up the pieces and ever be happy together again.

 

I'd say let her go. Who knows? Years down the road, you may run into her and realize one of two things; either that you still love her, or that you're happy that you two had such a great ride, but that you're glad it's over.

 

I'd say let her say her piece, then bow out, and leave her alone, as much as it's going to hurt. I know how you feel...when your heart breaks it's an actual, physical pain, like someone is ripping your soul out of you. This, too, shall pass - you either have to remember that, or just have faith that it will, one day, be better.

 

Good luck, and if you still have a substance abuse problem, I'd look for help for that before you consider delving back into a serious relationship.

 

And the two of you...shame on you.

[Arabess]

Once there has been a lot of fighting and arguing in a relationship.....it's hard to get beyond that. However, you worked it out before....and may be able to work it out again.

 

Probably the best thing you could do is continue working on your own problems and see if she comes back to you on her own. Just because she was mad and told you things were messed up....doesn't mean she may not miss you as much as you miss her.

 

Sometimes, you just have to wait and see.

 

I HAVE found that women respond better to men who don't throw themselves at her feet. Be strong and do the no contact thing till she has had time to think about it. During that time.....again.....focus on your own problems which you are bringing into the relationship.

 

Good Luck Bear.....

[abearlovesabean]

well, here I am. the fighting got better after the break, but then picked up again. I just think our relationship was one that is not meant for distance. So we decided tonight that we are gonna take a break from the whole dating thing until I know when I can see her. Already I feel like I've taken a breath of fresh air. And I know the worst that can happen is that I get even more self esteem than I already had, I find that we aren't right for eachother and move on, or the best that could happen is that we end up all good. I want some feedback as to whether or not my idea is a good one. I think that to avoid dependancy becomming an issue again maybe we should stay non exclusive until I am back up at college full time, when I can devote myself to it. I won't need to becoome dependant because she will be right there, I run less risk of being controlling because we can earn eachother's trust alot better, if that makes sense. any feedback is welcome. thanks.

[abearlovesabean]

oh and one more thing, for the record, I've already dealt with my substance problem and have been completely sober. I gave it all up right before she dumped me the first time. I literally looked at the stuff, became disgusted, and threw it all down a storm drain. never had any urge since. it's just too frightening to think things could get that bad again, so I'm never going back to that stuff. stimulants... the sleepless torture. never ever ever ever ever do what I did. and now feel free to respond to my last post.

[abearlovesabean]

vivid, you're a jerk. for someone who thinks I have such self esteem issues, you sure are quick to sling insults around you insensitive, unintelligible ranting moron. ok I feel better now.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by abearlovesabean

vivid, you're a jerk. for someone who thinks I have such self esteem issues, you sure are quick to sling insults around you insensitive, unintelligible ranting moron. ok I feel better now.

 

Vivid gives good advice, and has no obligation to sugarcoat his opinion. He never insulted you, and as far as unintelligible, he's actually quite articulate and easy to understand. You're the one asking for advice, we'd all appreciate it if you'd note in your post that you'd like to be treated like a five year old.

[abearlovesabean]

dyre, let me go on record as saying that in no way is he entitled to insult anyone. and yes, he did insult me. calling someone a pu$$y is an insult incase you weren't sure. and then to tell me to grow some balls, wow that's not insulting? ok. so next time if you want someone to take your advice, granted don't sugar coat it, but don't be a jerk. is that too much to ask? I don't think it is.