Sexuality issue questions for the older set ...

[MegaMags]

Hey The River Ouse..... I am the same age as you but I have not been divorced and I am married to the same man for the past 25 years plus.....

 

A couple of years ago I experienced what I can describe as a sexual revival. I began to feel worried that there was something wrong with me, that I was hyper sexual at age 53 and something was wrong with me because it didn't seem "normal" to be hot for sex all the time at my age. But it makes me feel so alive and so happy - bringing back all the exciting feelings of joy and vitality that I had when I was younger.

 

If you have found a man that you can express these feelings with and enjoy it then just do that. Make the most of it while you can.

 

Our sexual natures are core to our being and it is a mistake to deny this. But it is not all there is about a relationship. Apparently this is not an uncommon symptom of menopause so go for it and don't worry. Your new man has a lot going for him that could last so make the most of this opportunity for joy.

 

I am 55 now and still have strong feeling of arousal - not necessarily always for my husband but I do express my feelings in my life with him and it makes me happy. There is nothing wrong with that. As an older woman I have the confidence and lack of inhibition that may have been a feature when I was younger. I would say just enjoy it!

[mark982]

hi river, few years back in was in the same boat as your partner, not really wanting sex too often etc. made a drs. appt. low test levels. couple weeks after starting injections my wife was a happy lady. just wanted to throw this out there for you. good luck.

[FitChick]

If it is a physical health problem it can probably be remedied. Viagra? See either a urologist or endocrinologist. Getting some testosterone cream might be all he needs: "Apply to penis and rub vigorously."

[Lizzie60]

I've been in your shoes before.. I had zero interest in sex with my first ex.. but when you fall in love again.. the libido comes back a zillion times stronger.. but trust me.. it will eventually fades.. because it's only been a year, you're still in the 'honeymoon phase'... you are over 50.. with a new man.. I can understand your wild sex drive.. just wait and see.. it will eventually drops down if you stay with him.. then you'll be in sync.

 

As for me.. I never 'settled' down.. so it's still right up there..

[TaraMaiden]

.. How will you feel in a yr or two when you're only having sex every couple of months ?How will you feel when you realize it's been a year since you've been intimate?

At first, actually, it will hurt like hell. There will be a sense of rejection, self-questioning, a sense of "I just don't do it for him any more"... but these are all mind-games. These are all projections and self-imposed limitations. We all do this. we all provide a false, invented construct to justify, explain and clarify what we do not know is happening.

The fact is: This man has a low sex drive. Which could be down to a variety of reasons, either physical or psychological. Maybe even both.

 

That's the fact.

The construct is all the superficial hypothesis we build around the fact. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't rock his world, I don't do it for him, he's not attracted to me, i'm no spring chicken, he's not interested in me....

 

It's all crap.

It's all self-destructive, demoralising crap.

Where lies the main issue?

With him.

Where is the problem not?

with 'me'.

Why then, adopt the issue, and make it a problem, for me?

 

A great many men in our age range are happy to enter relationships with us, many were in long term marriages/relationships before, they miss the comforts of married life, a hot meal, freshly done laundry, an age peer to talk with, do things with... but sexually ? us old gals really don't do much for them.

That's l3ollocks.

That's utter rubbish.

When a middle-aged man seeks - and finds - a lady of similar age to be with, all of the above is a bonus, not an initial requirement. He wants someone to be with at night, he wants someone whose head can rest on his shoulder, he wants someone to share life with.

Why? because he's a human being, and humans are by-and-large a gregarious bunch. We all want comfort and companionship. Sure, for some older people sex isn't a priority. But for some older people, sex is a frequent and enjoyable pastime.

I know for a fact that this 'old gal' absolutely does quite a lot for her man, as it happens. To say he's tactile and affectionate doesn't cover it. he will hold me, cuddle me, nuzzle and stroke me any time, for no reason at all, other than to feel me close to him.

 

 

Many marry kind of hoping that menopause will kill our desire fairly quickly.. but that we'll remain loving caretakers, somebody they'll be able to lean on in old age and if we come with a nice paycheck and a fat 401K account all the better.

My word, what a jaded and sad outlook you have.

For a man to purposely hope the menopause will kill our desire is - sorry - really quite a pathetic hypothesis. For a man to take on a woman about to hit the menopause, is actually quite a brave thing to do, considering that some women are a whole pile of problems during this time.... I mean really, do you believe all this crud you're coming out with, or are you speaking from bitter experience?

because trust me, I mix with a lot of people of my age, and let me tell you, many of them are on a second relationship, and what you're saying might be accurate in one or two cases - maybe - but believe me, I've never seen evidence of this kind of mentality.

 

Before you go a step further, you need to investigate, how much porn is this guy viewing? If it's a lot you need to consider he very real possibility that he might well love you as he would his mother or sister but that you're too old to float his boat on a purely physical level... can you handle that till the day you die?

Ah yes, let's go down this route.... "if he doesn't want me, there must be something else floating his boat. Sex is always on a man's mind, just never with me.

because who wants an old jaded, well-past-it harridan like me, in the flesh, when he can get his kicks from the virtual kind?"

Oh puh-leeese...

Not all men are attracted to porn, or even feel tempted, ever, to indulge in it. Once again, tarring the guy with the same brush.

I'm waiting for the "He has a younger lover tucked away" bit, next.....

 

This was disheartening ... I'm hoping that he finds me beautiful and sexy but just isn't very libidinous any more, rather than not being "turned on" by me because I'm an old fartress.

This is by far and away the most likely situation.

My partner is extremely attracted by me. he thinks I'm very beautiful, I dress well and he likes it when we go out together and I look good, because as he says; 'the young don't know what effort is. Guys wear the habitual jeans, trainers and sweatshirt, and the ladies over-do it to compensate.... shoes they can't walk in, and a piece of fabric they call a frock...' but i'm always 'call' as he puts it.

he appreciates that not only does he have someone elegant and tasteful on his arm, he also has someone who after 50 years has more to talk about than her shoes are killing her, and she's bloody freezin'...!

 

To be honest, that is my shallow concern ... I very much do want to be attractive to my man, and I still have the conceit to crave his desire. Probably a common problem for the aging former femme fatale.

let me give you a little word of advice: if you keep yourself together, look after yourself and make the effort - all for yourself, because you are bright, confident, self-assured and street-wise (don't for god's sake go down the 'mutton dressed as lamb' route!) then you will ooze sexuality, attractiveness, confidence and beauty from every pore.

Because you have to do it for you. Not anyone else.

 

And you are - and always will be - attractive to him.

He loves you, he's with you and he's constant.

Show him what a damn fine catch he has, and what a lucky man he is to have a woman who is not only bright, intelligent and wise, but bloody hot to boot.....

Anyway, we love each other deeply. That is not in question.

 

He does not view any porn at all. He hates it.

 

Ditto and double ditto.

because love matters. That's the best aphrodisiac of all. And my guy loathes porn. he thinks married men who indulge in it - particularly in secret - are pathetic and disrespectful losers. There's something missing if they enjoy it, and it's never the fault of the wife, if a man resorts to this as a substitute for loving her as she might deserve.

[soserious1]

At first, actually, it will hurt like hell. There will be a sense of rejection, self-questioning, a sense of "I just don't do it for him any more"... but these are all mind-games. These are all projections and self-imposed limitations. We all do this. we all provide a false, invented construct to justify, explain and clarify what we do not know is happening.

The fact is: This man has a low sex drive. Which could be down to a variety of reasons, either physical or psychological. Maybe even both.

 

That's the fact.

The construct is all the superficial hypothesis we build around the fact. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't rock his world, I don't do it for him, he's not attracted to me, i'm no spring chicken, he's not interested in me....

 

It's all crap.

It's all self-destructive, demoralising crap.

Where lies the main issue?

With him.

Where is the problem not?

with 'me'.

Why then, adopt the issue, and make it a problem, for me?

 

 

That's l3ollocks.

That's utter rubbish.

When a middle-aged man seeks - and finds - a lady of similar age to be with, all of the above is a bonus, not an initial requirement. He wants someone to be with at night, he wants someone whose head can rest on his shoulder, he wants someone to share life with.

Why? because he's a human being, and humans are by-and-large a gregarious bunch. We all want comfort and companionship. Sure, for some older people sex isn't a priority. But for some older people, sex is a frequent and enjoyable pastime.

I know for a fact that this 'old gal' absolutely does quite a lot for her man, as it happens. To say he's tactile and affectionate doesn't cover it. he will hold me, cuddle me, nuzzle and stroke me any time, for no reason at all, other than to feel me close to him.

 

 

 

My word, what a jaded and sad outlook you have.

For a man to purposely hope the menopause will kill our desire is - sorry - really quite a pathetic hypothesis. For a man to take on a woman about to hit the menopause, is actually quite a brave thing to do, considering that some women are a whole pile of problems during this time.... I mean really, do you believe all this crud you're coming out with, or are you speaking from bitter experience?

because trust me, I mix with a lot of people of my age, and let me tell you, many of them are on a second relationship, and what you're saying might be accurate in one or two cases - maybe - but believe me, I've never seen evidence of this kind of mentality.

 

 

Ah yes, let's go down this route.... "if he doesn't want me, there must be something else floating his boat. Sex is always on a man's mind, just never with me.

because who wants an old jaded, well-past-it harridan like me, in the flesh, when he can get his kicks from the virtual kind?"

Oh puh-leeese...

Not all men are attracted to porn, or even feel tempted, ever, to indulge in it. Once again, tarring the guy with the same brush.

I'm waiting for the "He has a younger lover tucked away" bit, next.....

 

 

This is by far and away the most likely situation.

My partner is extremely attracted by me. he thinks I'm very beautiful, I dress well and he likes it when we go out together and I look good, because as he says; 'the young don't know what effort is. Guys wear the habitual jeans, trainers and sweatshirt, and the ladies over-do it to compensate.... shoes they can't walk in, and a piece of fabric they call a frock...' but i'm always 'call' as he puts it.

he appreciates that not only does he have someone elegant and tasteful on his arm, he also has someone who after 50 years has more to talk about than her shoes are killing her, and she's bloody freezin'...!

 

 

let me give you a little word of advice: if you keep yourself together, look after yourself and make the effort - all for yourself, because you are bright, confident, self-assured and street-wise (don't for god's sake go down the 'mutton dressed as lamb' route!) then you will ooze sexuality, attractiveness, confidence and beauty from every pore.

Because you have to do it for you. Not anyone else.

 

And you are - and always will be - attractive to him.

He loves you, he's with you and he's constant.

Show him what a damn fine catch he has, and what a lucky man he is to have a woman who is not only bright, intelligent and wise, but bloody hot to boot.....

 

 

Ditto and double ditto.

because love matters. That's the best aphrodisiac of all. And my guy loathes porn. he thinks married men who indulge in it - particularly in secret - are pathetic and disrespectful losers. There's something missing if they enjoy it, and it's never the fault of the wife, if a man resorts to this as a substitute for loving her as she might deserve.

 

 

Tara,

 

The man's low sexual drive does become his partner's problem once they've married and swore vows of sexual fidelity.Being rejected time after time when you try to initiate intimacy wears a person's heart down after after awhile.. you can know in your head that "it's just his/her low drive" but the feeling in your heart? not so much. Over time, the cycle of trying to initiate intimacy only to be rebuffed repeatedly leaves a person questioning their own

attractiveness and worth, struggling to identify and fix the problem.

 

Also,people with hidden sexual issues/problems seldom jump right up to disclose them "I just have a low drive, I'm getting on in years" may be true.. but it may also be something easier to say than "I'm mentally,emotionally attracted to female age peers but am sexually aroused only by much younger women" There are also not a small number of men floating around who feel that a woman past menopause expressing sexual interest is unseemly and not natural.

 

And there is the problem of porn.. fact is for many men who find themselves suddenly single in late mid-life, porn becomes a sexual outlet, sometimes for several years before they embark on a new relationship.They become condition to respond to the visual stimuli on the screen and to the touch of their own hand.. retarded ejaculation

due to this is very common. It's easier to sit there and say "I have a low drive" than it is to admit to such problems or to seek help for them.

 

A person in a relationship of just 1 yr's duration is still in the honeymoon phase of things, the sexual frequency level is at the highest level it will ever be. If the OP is unhappy now and looking for ways to kill her sexual desire in order to stay with this man, this isn't going to get magically better by them saying "I do" She would be wise to think this over carefully and to then think it over again. The saying "when sex is good it only counts for 10 % importance in a marriage but when the sex is bad it's importance rises to 90% " is very true from where I sit and from the seats of the many people on these boards struggling in sexless/ near sexless marriages to low desire spouses.

[The River Ouse]

Tara,

 

Thank you for sharing all your insight. It's helped.

 

My own crappy "self talk" is what gets me in trouble more than anything that is (or isn't) really going on.

 

I really like to read the fora here on LS. Sometimes, though, it truly alarms me how often people jump IMMEDIATELY to a terrible, jaded conclusion.

 

I'll tell you one thing for sure - I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that I love, and am loved; I trust, I am trusted, and we share so much. Including a deep sexual connection ... just one time per week, vanilla style! Can't wait for next week!

[soserious1]

Tara,

 

Thank you for sharing all your insight. It's helped.

 

My own crappy "self talk" is what gets me in trouble more than anything that is (or isn't) really going on.

 

I really like to read the fora here on LS. Sometimes, though, it truly alarms me how often people jump IMMEDIATELY to a terrible, jaded conclusion.

 

I'll tell you one thing for sure - I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that I love, and am loved; I trust, I am trusted, and we share so much. Including a deep sexual connection ... just one time per week, vanilla style! Can't wait for next week!

 

 

Just think really long and hard about how you are going to feel in as little as a yr or so.. when you're only having vanilla sex once every couple of months and you're reduced to begging for it. Also think long and hard about how much you're going to be "sharing" after repeated fights and bad feelings over

a sexual life that's decreasing with each passing month. Picture him calling you a dirty old woman as he turns away from you and rolls over to go to sleep, picture him leaving the room after you ask him to help you masturbate. Picture him telling you that he avoids hugging and kissing you because he fears you'll then expect sex. Picture yourself sleeping alone on the sofa...

 

You may very well have several yrs left of a very healthy sexual appetite, do you really want to spend that time going largely without a lusty, varied sexual life ?

Edited May 24, 2010 by soserious1

[FitChick]

Both of you should see a sex therapist together. They generally deal with the physical, mental and emotional sides of sex, so you can find out where the problem lies and fix it instead of speculating and being a martyr.

[The River Ouse]

Just think really long and hard about how you are going to feel in as little as a yr or so.. when you're only having vanilla sex once every couple of months and you're reduced to begging for it. Also think long and hard about how much you're going to be "sharing" after repeated fights and bad feelings over

a sexual life that's decreasing with each passing month. Picture him calling you a dirty old woman as he turns away from you and rolls over to go to sleep, picture him leaving the room after you ask him to help you masturbate. Picture him telling you that he avoids hugging and kissing you because he fears you'll then expect sex. Picture yourself sleeping alone on the sofa...

 

Wow. Why would I ever want to dishonor my loving relationship and the great man I'm in it with by "picturing" a lot of horrible scenarios?

 

Sheesh. I said he is happy to have sex once a week while I'd like it 3 X per day. I said that his desiring me less than I do him sexually was affecting my confidence. I NEVER implied that he found me revolting, rejected me, was insulting, or that we fought about this. I also said that the sex we have is very exceptionally intimate, deep and intense.

 

I'm sorry, because I believe that you have experienced things like you want me to "picture" in a relationship of your own. I've had my share of demeaning experiences in relationships, but not in this one.

 

I don't even believe that our frequency is going to drop off. He takes pleasing me (in all ways) extremely seriously. I reciprocate. Since we are older and both of us are super accountable for problems in our former marriages, we are conscious and deliberate every day (almost) about being very good to one another.

 

 

You may very well have several yrs left of a very healthy sexual appetite, do you really want to spend that time going largely without a lusty, varied sexual life ?

 

soserious1, may I ask how fulfilling and varied your own sexual life is at this point?

 

For me, as I said, my sexual nature comes out in relationship to another person. Before I got together with this man, it was quite dormant and I didn't care. I was not on track for a lusty varied sex life, that's for sure. It's a lot more lusty and varied than it was at the tail end of my marriage or during the celibate years, that's for sure!

 

I'm quite sure that if I tell my mate that I really need and want more and / or different, he will "step up." So far, I have not chosen to do this for a few reasons. Also, as Carhill mentioned, I have been used to being pursued and the lack of aggressive sexual pursuit in this relationship, and at my age, was affecting me in a negative way.

 

I started this thread because I was having "issues" about my own desirability. I was internalizing it (like you, soserious1, want so badly for me to do) and letting it interfere with my own confidence, self esteem and love. I got some help here to gain a better perspective.

 

Thanks, Tara Maiden. And I am already fully there with your advice about my presentation of myself. I'm all over that!

[Samantha0905]

Dang -- thank goodness for Tara's helpful posts here.

 

soserious, what a negative contribution -- did you experience something THAT bad?

 

Interesting reading. River Ouse, it sounds like you love him very much. I don't know if you noticed the post suggesting medical help for your fiance, but it could very well be a lowered testosterone issue for him. Now, I know it's easier said than done getting a conservative man to go to the doctor for such -- but it might help.

[giotto]

so, what's going to happen when his "niceness" is not enough anymore and you start wanting sex regularly? Or you want to be chased? These are not feelings you can hide or repress forever... are you being fair towards him? You say you talk and you love him and I really hope you are not going to put him in a difficult position in the future. Seems to me this is a big red flag in your relationship, but you have decided to sweep it under the carpet...

[The River Ouse]

so, what's going to happen when his "niceness" is not enough anymore and you start wanting sex regularly? Or you want to be chased? These are not feelings you can hide or repress forever... are you being fair towards him? You say you talk and you love him and I really hope you are not going to put him in a difficult position in the future. Seems to me this is a big red flag in your relationship, but you have decided to sweep it under the carpet...

 

We ARE having sex "regularly." If you read these fora often, as I know you do, you will find many couples represented who are comfortable and satisfied with sex one time per week ... and many who would probably think they died and went to heaven if they did have sex with their partner once a week.

 

The wanting to be chased ... well, that was why I originally posted. Yes, I am very used to being pursued. It was a big part of my life. I've always liked it and it's boosted my ego. It also brought me to a pretty dark place once or twice. I was a professional dancer as well; that was a big part of my life that I loved and which ended a little early because of a car accident. Had that not ended it, I would still not be a professional dancer today. I have moved on. And I can move on from being the object of sexual pursuit. I don't think I really NEED that. I am getting so much more from this relationship than I have had in any past ... getting things I didn't even imagine were possible. And I'm giving things I didn't know I had it in me to give.

 

"Niceness" certainly is NOT enough. There is so much more. Wow. And I am not in a stage of infatuation. I'm not going to keep trying to defend my relationship to people who evidently don't get it. Tara really said it all in her posts.

[climbergirl]

I am unqualified by age to comment, but after reading this board for a couple months, I'm beginning to suspect that what really matters is what happens on the 6 days a week you don't have sex...

 

What happens on the no-sex days? Is there a lot of affection, in bed and out? Hugging and kissing throughout the day? Closeness and cuddling in bed? Do hands ever wander, or is wandering touch percieved as "leading to something"?

 

In bed, if you grow aroused while cuddling on a day that he is not interested in sex, do you feel comfortable touching yourself and having an orgasm next to him?

 

I believe the big issues crop up when couples start avoiding touch, as one partner misinterprets it as an invitation, and the other as pressure. But touch, of course, leads to arousal--which can lead to frustration. If the higher drive partner (which can vary over the course of a relationship) feels comfortable meeting their own need for orgasm in an intimate setting--without the low drive partner feeling pressured to meet the need--that can go a long way toward everyone feeling satisfied and respected.

 

 

Forgive me if you've already answered, but I had the same question as above. Are you missing intimacy or sex in your relationship?

[The River Ouse]

Forgive me if you've already answered, but I had the same question as above. Are you missing intimacy or sex in your relationship?

 

I didn't answer - no, we are not lacking in the intimacy department at all. He is the most cuddly man ever. We are always touching. We are emotionally and intellectually very merged as well.

 

I also didn't respond to those who advised seeking medical help ... I might consider that. Not sure whether bringing this into the "YOU need professional help in order for ME to be happy" department for him would benefit our relationship as a whole or perhaps cause damage.

 

I'll report back sometime on how things are going.

[rewe4reel]

Dang -- thank goodness for Tara's helpful posts here.

 

soserious, what a negative contribution -- did you experience something THAT bad?

 

Interesting reading. River Ouse, it sounds like you love him very much. I don't know if you noticed the post suggesting medical help for your fiance, but it could very well be a lowered testosterone issue for him. Now, I know it's easier said than done getting a conservative man to go to the doctor for such -- but it might help.

 

 

I agree with the above poster, it sounds like your fiancee may have a low libido issue that might easily be addressed with the appropriate medication. Technology is wonderful.

[WalkInThePark]

Is your partner significantly older than you are?

[TaraMaiden]

Tara,

 

The man's low sexual drive does become his partner's problem once they've married and swore vows of sexual fidelity.Being rejected time after time when you try to initiate intimacy wears a person's heart down after after awhile..

 

I must have missed the part where River stated she is being rejected time and time again....I seem to get the impression that it's a question of a disparity in sex drives.....Is this a problem you've had?

I don't think it's a problem River is having...Perhaps in this case, you need to review your input.....

 

you can know in your head that "it's just his/her low drive" but the feeling in your heart? not so much. Over time, the cycle of trying to initiate intimacy only to be rebuffed repeatedly leaves a person questioning their own attractiveness and worth, struggling to identify and fix the problem.

Why consider it a 'problem'? The minute you view a situation as a 'problem' you set yourself up for failure, because the only person you can have control over - is yourself. Take the word 'problem' away. Call it situation - and suddenly, it's much more manageable.....

 

Repeated quotation:Over time, the cycle of trying to initiate intimacy only to be rebuffed repeatedly leaves a person questioning their own attractiveness and worth

 

That only happens if said person is unable to fully understand that actually, it's not about them. As stated, I'm not going into details, but I can promise you, once it was established that the disparity between my sex drive and his, had nothing to do with me at all, I stopped feeling 'rejected, dejected and unworthy'. Which actually, is overstating the feeling. It was nowhere near this 'serious'.....

Let me tell you, I am phekkin' hot, in my man's eyes. He loves and dotes on me. I guess he demonstrates it in other ways, other than between the sheets. I really appreciate that, and am completely comfortable with that, and extremely happy.

You on the other hand, seem to believe therefore that if the sex isn't there, the whole thing is going to crumble, eventually.

It's a shame you hold so much store by how vital you think frequent sex is, when in actual fact, quality often counts more than quantity..... In my opinion....

 

 

Also, people with hidden sexual issues/problems seldom jump right up to disclose them.

You are presuming there's a problem, again. I don't see a problem, other than a disparity. Why do you automatically assume men must always be rampant bisons champing at the bit, and if they're not - "uh-oh...there's a problem....!"

 

"I just have a low drive, I'm getting on in years" may be true.

It IS true. You can't seem to get past that.

I truly feel for you, if you can't see this is genuine....

 

but it may also be something easier to say than "I'm mentally,emotionally attracted to female age peers but am sexually aroused only by much younger women" There are also not a small number of men floating around who feel that a woman past menopause expressing sexual interest is unseemly and not natural.

Have you seen a counsellor about this?

because as I see it, you are in the minority here, and you're beginning to sound a bit like Woggle, in many ways....

 

And there is the problem of porn.. fact is for many men who find themselves suddenly single in late mid-life, porn becomes a sexual outlet, sometimes for several years before they embark on a new relationship.They become condition to respond to the visual stimuli on the screen and to the touch of their own hand.. retarded ejaculation due to this is very common. It's easier to sit there and say "I have a low drive" than it is to admit to such problems or to seek help for them.

Well, that's off the chalk-board, because we're not discussing "men", we're discussing the OP's partner, who as she has quite emphatically stated, does not fall into this category. So we can ignore that snippet.....

 

A person in a relationship of just 1 yr's duration is still in the honeymoon phase of things

This - if you'll excuse me saying - is utter baloney. I am of the firm and personal opinion that members of the older generation do not go through what you call 'a honeymoon phase' because you know what? Been there, done that....It seems to be something younger people do, because younger people are more subject to the "rose-tinted-spectacles" syndrome....

Older people tend to enter into a relationship with the spec's off. So while there is an initial rush, it's nowhere near as sexually-charged or intense an experience as that gone theough by the younger more naive, less experienced partner....

 

sexual frequency level is at the highest level it will ever be. If the OP is unhappy now and looking for ways to kill her sexual desire in order to stay with this man, this isn't going to get magically better by them saying "I do" She would be wise to think this over carefully and to then think it over again

well, I think, as she is party to the bigger picture, she can probably make a very reasoned decision herself about this.

 

The saying "when sex is good it only counts for 10 % importance in a marriage but when the sex is bad it's importance rises to 90% " is very true from where I sit and from the seats of the many people on these boards struggling in sexless/ near sexless marriages to low desire spouses.

Yes, but where you're sitting is not a good seat.... it's sinking in negativity dearest...I wish there was something I could do to help you move seats.....

 

so, what's going to happen when his "niceness" is not enough anymore and you start wanting sex regularly?

Actually, at the risk of alienating River, I don't think this matter is going to escalate. I think things are as they are, because they are as they are. Which goes for pretty much everything, really. It is what it is. It may not be the situation that needs changing. It may be the perception of the situation, that needs changing.....

 

Or you want to be chased? These are not feelings you can hide or repress forever... are you being fair towards him? You say you talk and you love him and I really hope you are not going to put him in a difficult position in the future.

From the way River has approached this situation, I can'r see her doing that at all.

She has approached this situation entirely from an angle of compassion, loving kindness, understanding and a desire to comprhend it from every angle.

 

Seems to me this is a big red flag in your relationship, but you have decided to sweep it under the carpet...

How has she done that?

Edited May 24, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[giotto]

How has she done that?

 

she knew there was a disparity in their sex drives... she is in her fifties, she knows what's it like... she is not an inexperienced woman... her man is perfect, apart from the sex thing. She has chosen to ignore that and to go ahead with it. She is taking a risk. She is probably going to be ok, because she seems to be an intelligent woman, but the frustration, on the log run, will be there... unless she learns how to rationalise it... seems to me she is doing that... I just hope it all goes well...

[soserious1]

The River Ouse

 

My responses to your post were heartfelt and serious in response to YOUR questions about how to dampen your sexual desires. You want sex x3 per day, this man wants sex, at most once per week.. that is a HUGE level of difference in desire levels from say a couple where the man wants it 3 times and the woman once and they compromise on twice a week. I'm not hearing ANY compromise.. I'm not hearing you say that he's agreed to try for a long session x1 per week with perhaps an extra Quickie.. he's telling you it'll be x1 per week and that's all folks... you killing your desire level is not "compromise, not by a long shot..it's him telling you this is the most sex

you'll ever be getting ..take it or leave it.

 

You've obviously decided to take it and probably had already decided this prior to starting this thread.

As for killing your sex drive, all I can suggest is that when people ask what you'd like for a wedding gift, you might suggest stock in a battery company.. because if you'd like sex x3 daily and you're only getting it x1 per week you're going to be going thru a LOT of batteries.

 

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

[TaraMaiden]

she knew there was a disparity in their sex drives... she is in her fifties, she knows what's it like... she is not an inexperienced woman... her man is perfect, apart from the sex thing.

 

Her man is perfect, including the sex thing. It's not an imperfection, deformity, handicap or hindrance. It's just something requiring some thought....

 

She has chosen to ignore that and to go ahead with it.

By addressing the matter, she's not ignoring it, is she?

 

She is taking a risk. She is probably going to be ok, because she seems to be an intelligent woman, but the frustration, on the log run, will be there...

How is staying with someone when there is such love, a risk?

I keep telling people: Sex is a transitory attraction anyway. Whether you go at it like rabbits, or enjoy a sedate and occasional romp, at one point or another, the passion ceases... as it must.

sex is really over-rated at times.

it's a physical impulse that exists in most human beings - on a temporary basis.

learning to accept the waxing and waning, is part and parcel of a healthy sex drive. To fight this truth and to insist that sex is vital, and that if someone isn't getting their share is a fundamental fatal threat to a relationship, is to my mind, the unhealthy aspect.....

[]unless she learns how to rationalise it... seems to me she is doing that... I just hope it all goes well... [/i]

That's exactly what she's doing.

As have I.

And I cannot tell you for my part, how much more blissfully happy I am in concluding that sex really isn't that big a deal when you weigh it up against the loving, caring, considerate, affectionate and comforting presence of someone you'd take a bullet for.

Just let it go....

Ultimately, it really doesn't mean anything, whereas that rare connection means everything.

 

That's just my view, as it stands...........

[The River Ouse]

The River Ouse

 

My responses to your post were heartfelt and serious in response to YOUR questions about how to dampen your sexual desires.

 

Really? I reread my initial post and I didn't ask any questions about how to dampen my sexual desires. I said I was working towards that. Tara helped me see the folly in this. I am who I am and I don't need to change that.

 

You want sex x3 per day, this man wants sex, at most once per week.. that is a HUGE level of difference in desire levels from say a couple where the man wants it 3 times and the woman once and they compromise on twice a week.

 

Yep. I have decided it's going to be okay. Just for the record, my desire level is not going to remain like this. My sexual nature had been completely dormant and when it got "reactivated" it was quite torrential!

 

I'm not hearing ANY compromise..

 

Our relationship is full of compromise. There will be more. That is one of the reasons we are happily in love together.

 

As for killing your sex drive, all I can suggest is that when people ask what you'd like for a wedding gift, you might suggest stock in a battery company.. because if you'd like sex x3 daily and you're only getting it x1 per week you're going to be going thru a LOT of batteries.

 

Again, I am stepping away from the killing of the sex drive idea. The battery stock as a wedding gift suggestion sounds really mean spirited, soserious1. Really, you exude such bitterness that I feel bad ... for you, and for the people who get in the path of it.

 

By the way, I don't need batteries. I have been single and celibate for quite a while before this relationship, as I've said. I have that side of things well handled.

 

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

 

Thanks! Though somehow, I doubt your sincerity. And, I'm still interested in learning about the quality of your own sex life these days. Are you fulfilled?

[giotto]

Her man is perfect, including the sex thing. It's not an imperfection, deformity, handicap or hindrance. It's just something requiring some thought....

 

 

By addressing the matter, she's not ignoring it, is she?

 

 

How is staying with someone when there is such love, a risk?

I keep telling people: Sex is a transitory attraction anyway. Whether you go at it like rabbits, or enjoy a sedate and occasional romp, at one point or another, the passion ceases... as it must.

sex is really over-rated at times.

it's a physical impulse that exists in most human beings - on a temporary basis.

learning to accept the waxing and waning, is part and parcel of a healthy sex drive. To fight this truth and to insist that sex is vital, and that if someone isn't getting their share is a fundamental fatal threat to a relationship, is to my mind, the unhealthy aspect.....

 

That's exactly what she's doing.

As have I.

And I cannot tell you for my part, how much more blissfully happy I am in concluding that sex really isn't that big a deal when you weigh it up against the loving, caring, considerate, affectionate and comforting presence of someone you'd take a bullet for.

Just let it go....

Ultimately, it really doesn't mean anything, whereas that rare connection means everything.

 

That's just my view, as it stands...........

 

 

I did say she needs to rationalise it... I think she is... I'm just hoping she will be ok with it and that she succeeds... BTW, sex might be overrated, but when you are getting very little of it - in relationship - all of a sudden it becomes the big elephant in the room...

[soserious1]

Really? I reread my initial post and I didn't ask any questions about how to dampen my sexual desires. I said I was working towards that. Tara helped me see the folly in this. I am who I am and I don't need to change that.

 

 

 

Yep. I have decided it's going to be okay. Just for the record, my desire level is not going to remain like this. My sexual nature had been completely dormant and when it got "reactivated" it was quite torrential!

 

 

 

Our relationship is full of compromise. There will be more. That is one of the reasons we are happily in love together.

 

 

 

Again, I am stepping away from the killing of the sex drive idea. The battery stock as a wedding gift suggestion sounds really mean spirited, soserious1. Really, you exude such bitterness that I feel bad ... for you, and for the people who get in the path of it.

 

By the way, I don't need batteries. I have been single and celibate for quite a while before this relationship, as I've said. I have that side of things well handled.

 

 

 

Thanks! Though somehow, I doubt your sincerity. And, I'm still interested in learning about the quality of your own sex life these days. Are you fulfilled?

 

 

Actually I was quite serious in trying to be helpful to you in my responses and am actually rather puzzled about what it is that you sought to get from posting this thread? You've seemed to not only discount advice offered from those of us with direct experiences with low sex/ sexless marriages but you've also started denigrating our experiences and labeling us with terms like "negative" and "bitter"

 

I said once and I'll say it again.. the saying "if sex is good in a marriage it only counts for 10 % of the marriage but if it is bad it counts for 90 %" is very true from where I sit.

 

If you feel you can live happily with such a great mismatch in your desire levels, best wishes to you both. I couldn't continue to exist in my sexless marriage and Zen myself into pretending that I was happy to live a life totally devoid of sexual intimacy.

Edited May 25, 2010 by soserious1

[TaraMaiden]

I did say she needs to rationalise it... I think she is... I'm just hoping she will be ok with it and that she succeeds... BTW, sex might be overrated, but when you are getting very little of it - in relationship - all of a sudden it becomes the big elephant in the room...

It only becomes the elephant in the room when you feed it peanuts.....

 

In other words it becomes a problem when you make it a problem.

 

A disparity in sex drives is exactly that. A disparity in sex drives.

The thing is not to turn that into a problem.

 

Sex brings pleasure.

It doesn't create happiness.

 

Whilst I understand that with many, sex seems to be a fulcrum upon which a relationship may pivot, at the end of the day, if you're creating the problem of "My God, I am so NOT getting enough sex!" the logical response to give yourself would be - "Yeah? So what?"

 

Try giving yourself that response, and see how different the road it takes you down, is......