A question for men who have children from two different women?

[witabix]

1 He even told me once that when i'm around, its different because its like his family has "company".

 

2 I cant even express to you how left out this made me feel

 

3 feel like he will always alternate from "real family" to "real family + company" but never "this is my entire family".

 

4 "I have family to attend to, you're not exactly part of it."

 

1 That's an odd thing to say, I have to be honest I don't see where he is coming from with that one.

 

2 You don't need to, I think get it, I would feel the same way.

 

3 That may take time, but given what you have said in the last post I am wondering what his motivation is with you. It doesn't sound like trying to get you to feel part of it all.

 

4 If you think that is what is in his mind then you should not pursue the matter any further really.

 

It seems to me from what you ahve said that it is not because he has a child, it is because he has made you feel excluded from the core of his life. Would that be accurate? Is that how you feel?

 

If so the issue is with his personality/motivation not because he is a father.

[OceanTropic]

I know his intention is not to make me feel excluded, but I think sometimes he says or does things unintentionally, without knowing they make me feel left out. When I told him I felt like this, he was offended, telling me that "I always try to make time for both of you."

 

Anyways, I told him the truth last night. You are right, he appreciated that I told him upfront and that I was honest. He was really hurt though, and he felt betrayed. He told me that if I am not sure, I need to be sure before we continue with anything, and I agree with him.

 

I am glad he knows exactly how I feel, I feel that after being this honest with him, I am not hiding anything from him, and should I decide to continue my relationship with him, it won't be because I feel bad or guilty, but because I truly want to.

 

He did tell me however that it will take a lot of work for me to gain his trust back. He trusted that for these past few months I was okay with him having a child, because there were times when he asked, and I told him I was okay with it. I thought I was, but if I have doubts I need to decide on those before anything else. He did tell me to grow up, and he told me I was selfish, because he truly does love me with all his heart, and if I think he isn't capable of loving me that much just because he has a kid, then I am naive and have a lot of maturing to do.

 

I have never cried so hard.

Edited May 19, 2010 by OceanTropic

[Green]

Just leave him. Don't feel bad about it.

[Eeyore79]

When he says it will take a lot of work for you to regain his trust, that means he's expecting or hoping for you to continue the relationship. Do you even want his trust back? If you don't want to continue seeing him, surely it's irrelevant whether he trusts you or not?

 

You have to understand it from his perspective - he loves you, and you don't want to be with him because of something over which he has no control. So obviously he's going to lash out and call you immature, selfish, naive, etc. He's the one with the kid, so of course he thinks that someone else should have to accept it, and he doesn't like to hear that it makes him undesirable to a lot of women (even if it's true).

 

It isn't immature and selfish not to want someone else's children; it's a personal choice, and arguably you're being mature by admitting that it's not for you. The selfish thing to do would be to string him along and make his kid feel unwanted and excluded because you want him all to yourself - you're actually being unselfish by letting him go.

 

Obviously you feel guilty for not having said something sooner, and you feel bad because he's a decent guy and you don't like hurting him, but sometimes it has to be done - stringing him along would hurt him even more. You can't sacrifice your own happiness just to make someone else happy - if dating a man with kids isn't for you, then you need to walk away. If you're certain about how you feel, I suggest you do what I do and don't get involved with anyone who has kids.

[witabix]

...........

 

It isn't immature and selfish not to want someone else's children; it's a personal choice, and arguably you're being mature by admitting that it's not for you. The selfish thing to do would be to string him along and make his kid feel unwanted and excluded because you want him all to yourself - you're actually being unselfish by letting him go.

 

Obviously you feel guilty for not having said something sooner, and you feel bad because he's a decent guy and you don't like hurting him, but sometimes it has to be done - stringing him along would hurt him even more. You can't sacrifice your own happiness just to make someone else happy - if dating a man with kids isn't for you, then you need to walk away. If you're certain about how you feel, I suggest you do what I do and don't get involved with anyone who has kids.

 

One hundred percent agree with Eeyore. I have children, and I would want that kind of honesty. As I said before I would be sad, but I wouldn't use the word betrayed.

 

So you tried to come to twerms with something you weren't sure about. In retrospect it may have been a little better to say that you were not sure, but where would that have gotten you both.

 

To reiterate Eeyore's point, you haven't done anything wrong here. You have made a decision and told him, I think that is ok to do.

 

Don't cry too much, he has had a go at you about this selfish/immature stuff, just lashing out because he can. Don't let it be a guilt trip for you.

[OceanTropic]

Thank you both. I appreciate the honesty. Many women have left him before because he has a child, so I can understand why this pains him so much. And you're right, he has no control over it. I wish the situation was different. Thank you guys.

 

P.S Witabix I didnt cry because I felt bad, I cried because I lost something great, but it came at a high price (for me).

[witabix]

......

 

P.S Witabix I didnt cry because I felt bad, I cried because I lost something great, but it came at a high price (for me).

 

Yes I understand you. Sometimes life makes us pay a high price for doing the right thing. Avoiding paying that price by being evasive or deceitful is a short term gain, and usually means the other person pays the price.

 

You have been honourable, straight and honest. Those things add up to dignity.

 

Take some comfort from the fact that you have behaved in a way that you can look back on from some future perspective and not feel as though you acted badly, you didn't.

[Stung]

He did tell me to grow up... if I think he isn't capable of loving me that much just because he has a kid, then I am naive and have a lot of maturing to do.

 

 

I'm sorry this relationship came to a painful end for everyone involved. I do agree that you made the right decision for yourself as you were uncomfortable and felt compromised, and the relationship could not have flourished in good health with secret resentments and fears festering. Presumably you have learned to set a new boundary for yourself in the future, and that is fair enough. I also agree that your being honest was the best way to go, however hard of a conversation it might have been. However, I also agree with part of what your ex said, quoted above.

 

The love for a child is totally different from the love of a significant other, they do not have to be at all in competition with each other unless YOU make it so. That you felt yourself in competition with someone's child does, IMO, indicate that you might have some personal work to do on becoming more personally secure and possibly more understanding/giving. Perhaps that can only come with experience and time, however.

 

For the record, I am married to and have a toddler son with a man who also has a daughter from a previous girlfriend. She is a great kid who has always considered me her third parent, and I have never once felt like mine or my son's places in my husband's heart was usurped by her or compromised by her in any way shape or fashion. She is my family, my son's sister, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. We all take a place of primacy in my husband's esteem in our own ways because his love for us all is different; we are EACH of us simultaneously the most important people in his life. I am his lover and his wife and can't quite imagine how that is threatened by his totally separate love for his kids. As a mother myself I know that while my love for my son is thorough and primal and all-encompassing, it can't really be compared to my love for my husband because they are such different roles, such different fulfillments.

 

When I was younger and more insecure I probably would not have understood that, either. Maybe it's just perspective. Anyway, what's done is done. Hopefully everybody moves on with growth.

Edited May 23, 2010 by Stung