A question for men who have children from two different women?

[OceanTropic]

Long story short, my current boyfriend has a daughter from a previous marriage. He is a loving father and adores his daughter.

 

My fear is that if we one day decide to have kids, he will not love my children as much as he loves his daughter. After all she was his first child, so I am afraid that he will not love my children the same.

 

I also heard a rumour that some men will love certain children more that others depending on who the mother is. For instance, if he is more in love with his second wife than he ever was with the first, he will love the children from his second wife more as well. Is this somewhat true?

 

I know he will love all his children, but in my head I will always have this insecurity. Maybe I am naive, but I don't have any children, so I don't know how to approach this. Thank you in advance

[witabix]

Long story short, my current boyfriend has a daughter from a previous marriage. He is a loving father and adores his daughter.

 

My fear is that if we one day decide to have kids, he will not love my children as much as he loves his daughter. After all she was his first child, so I am afraid that he will not love my children the same.

 

I also heard a rumour that some men will love certain children more that others depending on who the mother is. For instance, if he is more in love with his second wife than he ever was with the first, he will love the children from his second wife more as well. Is this somewhat true?

 

I know he will love all his children, but in my head I will always have this insecurity. Maybe I am naive, but I don't have any children, so I don't know how to approach this. Thank you in advance

 

Let me set your mind at rest Ocean. That rumour is a load of old bollix.

 

I have three children from two mothers. I love all of them equally. If things had turned out differently I would have five children from three mothers, and I would love them all the same. I love my ex-partners child from another man as much as my biological children too.

 

A persons capacity to love his/her children is limitless. Who the child's mother is has no bearing at all on the matter. I guarantee you.

 

Relax and enjoy your relationship, his children will be a pleasure to you as well, you can love them as a step-mom.....enjoy.

[OceanTropic]

Thank you Witabix, that is very reassuring. I appreciate you took the time to answer.

[Twenty-ten]

I wonder this too.

[Green]

This is fact not a rumor. Dead beat dads who don't get along with the mother of their children will some times shun the children with lines like "you are whore just like your mother"...

 

Usualy it is the first child with the woman who the man is no longer in love with who gets abandoned.

 

Use your judgment about this man. It is a good sign that he loves his daughter not a red flag.

[brainygirl]

A good guy who takes care of his kiddo? Grab him!

[Eeyore79]

Do you perhaps really want a guy with no children, so your first child will be his first too?

 

I'll admit that I've had similar feelings to yours when I've dated a guy with kids (i.e. will he love his first kids more than mine), and I've also wondered if I would always prefer my own children to his. The truth was, I just preferred a guy without kids, but I was trying to convince myself otherwise because it was easier to do that than to dump my bf and find someone without kids.

[OceanTropic]

I would prefer a man without kids, but I love him so much that I can't imagine my life without him, so I have to decide, and the truth is, I am accepting his child more because I don't want to lose him, than because I love his child (for the record we get along great, she's a sweet little girl, but I will always love him more).

[janie423]

Do you perhaps really want a guy with no children, so your first child will be his first too?

 

I'll admit that I've had similar feelings to yours when I've dated a guy with kids (i.e. will he love his first kids more than mine), and I've also wondered if I would always prefer my own children to his. The truth was, I just preferred a guy without kids, but I was trying to convince myself otherwise because it was easier to do that than to dump my bf and find someone without kids.

 

I agree with this post. I hope this isn't a crass statement, but I can't believe that good men are so scarce that you have to settle for a man with children from a previous relationship. I found one! It is a wonderful thing to share the experience of parenting with someone who is as new to it as you are.

 

I swore off men with children a long time ago. I made an exception ONCE. The child took precedence over me and any other woman he dated. The child was 30 years old. Three-0.

[Eeyore79]

I would prefer a man without kids, but I love him so much that I can't imagine my life without him, so I have to decide, and the truth is, I am accepting his child more because I don't want to lose him, than because I love his child (for the record we get along great, she's a sweet little girl, but I will always love him more).

 

Ohh, I have been in exactly this situation before. I didn't really want the children, but I put up with them because I wanted the father, and I felt resentful about it the whole time. Speaking from experience: children can tell that you don't really want them, and as time passes you become more and more resentful about having to put up with kids you don't want, and the father feels increasingly torn between you... it isn't a good situation for anyone involved. Then if a guy with no kids shows an interest in you, temptation strikes...

 

I used to think that my boyfriend was so wonderful that he was irreplaceable, so I had no choice but to tolerate his kids because I wouldn't meet someone else like him. But I was never really happy with the situation; ideally I wanted a guy with no kids so we could have our first child together. In the end we broke up, and one of the major reasons was because I was increasingly attracted to guys with no kids, and I felt like I deserved to have what I wanted. Yes, he was a great guy, and he's still a great guy... he just wasn't right for me because I don't want someone else's kids. I realised I was settling for him... not settling for him as a person, because he was really nice, but settling for him as a man with kids that I didn't want. He and his kids will be happier with someone who actually wants them, and I'll be happier with a man with no kids.

 

Since then I have point blank refused to date any man with kids, because I've realised that I don't want them, and that not wanting them is a legitimate reason not to date the guy regardless of how wonderful he is. I'm now dating someone with no kids, and I'm extremely happy that he doesn't have any. In fact, looking around I can see quite a few attractive guys with no kids... but when I was immersed in a relationship with my ex it was difficult to see beyond that.

 

Do you feel like you're "settling" for this man who isn't really what you want? I felt guilty admitting that about my ex, because I wanted him as a person, and I found it difficult to admit that his kids were actually a dealbreaker. It was difficult to let go of a good man because of something which I felt shouldn't have mattered, even though it actually mattered to me a great deal. Since you're having these concerns, perhaps you need to consider whether being a stepmother is what you really want.

[OceanTropic]

Thank you Eeyore79, I completely agree with you. In the long run, it will bother me. I don't want my life to revolve around a kid who doesn't even belong to me. We want to move in together, but that mean she will go through my things, want to wear my clothes and makeup, constantly be around us when we want to get intimate, and I will begin to resent it because its not even OURS, its someone else's. Its someone else's among OURS.

 

Thank you for your post. I always knew this wasn't for me, it's just so hard to let go because I really love him. But I might as well save us the trouble now than get more people involved later. Thank you for your post.

[flc]

He should feel no different with a child he has with you than he does with a child from another women, people with multiple children with the same women love them equally why would this be different.

 

Now there is a difference with step children at least for me. My step son has been with me since he was 2, I am his dad and he is my son and I lover him dearly. But he also has his biological father in his life. I have a biological daughter, while I don't treat them different I feel slightly different about each of them, not sure why but the feelings I get with my daughter are slightly more intense than with my step son.

 

I agree it sounds like you chould pass on this relationship. If you cannot treat a step child as your own and resent them then it is not fair to him or his children. I am currently divorced and both my biological daughter and my step son still live with me, I never resented my step son and gave him everything I have given my daughter.

Edited May 18, 2010 by flc

[Eeyore79]

I used to feel the same as you: I loved my boyfriend and didn't want to let him go. But after some thought, I realised there was a part of him that I didn't love: the part of him that was a father. I was unable to accept him as a complete package; I wanted the rest of him without the father part, and obviously that was impossible. He belonged to his children more than he belonged to me, and I had no right to selfishly wish for them to go away.

 

I didn't dislike his children - they were decent enough kids - I just wanted my man all to myself, and wanted to have my own family with him and not share him with another family. I was constantly resentful about having to share him with his kids, and (as I saw it) with another woman, i.e. their mother. The worst part was that his kids were happy to share him with me, but I didn't want to share him with them, so I felt guilty and immature. I also felt guilty because I thought I really shouldn't care that he had kids, because he was still the same person - but I found it increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that I did care about it a great deal.

 

Eventually I admitted to myself that him having kids bothered me a lot, and that it was ok not to date someone for that reason. I'm not a monster or a wicked stepmother type just because I don't feel able to accept someone else's kids (which is what I felt like); it's just my preference for kids not to be involved, plus I don't like the idea of my boyfriend's ex being permanently connected to him through a child, and her always hanging around and being rubbed in my face. I felt guilty for breaking up with my ex, because he was a great guy and I was breaking up with him for something that he couldn't help, but it was for the best.

 

How you speak about your boyfriend's child is very telling... you view her as someone else's, not yours. Some women would view the child as equivalent to their own because they loved its father, but you (and I) would view it as sort of a cuckoo in the nest. I could never treat a step-child as my own, which would be bad for the child and would create conflict between my partner and I. Therefore I stay away from men with kids; it's best for them and best for me. Perhaps it would be wise for you to adopt a similar policy, now you've figured out that kids are a dealbreaker for you too.

[witabix]

I would prefer a man without kids,............................she's a sweet little girl, but I will always love him more).

 

I think you have answered your own question here. It is not a case of love him/her more than their children. They come as a package. A child should never be resented or simply tolerated, they should be loved and wanted, cared for and nurtured. For me it makes no difference if I am the biological father, or if their mothers are different people, children are a gift and a responsibility. Taking on someone with children is a challenge, but its a worthwhile challenge. When your step child tells you they love you, they really mean it. They have no hidden agenda, they just tell it like it is.

 

................................................................................ The child took precedence over me and any other woman he dated. The child was 30 years old. Three-0.

 

Thats a bit extreme janie. 30 years old, by then they are adult and should know that the realities of life. I am surprised the 'child' allowed this to happen. My adult children wouldn't expect or allow me to behave like that.

 

This is fact not a rumor. Dead beat dads who don't get along with the mother of their children will some times shun the children with lines like "you are whore just like your mother"...

 

Usualy it is the first child with the woman who the man is no longer in love with who gets abandoned.

 

Use your judgment about this man. It is a good sign that he loves his daughter not a red flag.

 

Green, dead beat dads? I think that is a colloquialism for some one who does nothing for their children. And the quote about 'like your mother' is an awful thing to say to a child. Some men are like that but not all, it does not mean that all men act like this.

 

Thank you Eeyore79, I completely agree with you. In the long run, it will bother me. I don't want my life to revolve around a kid who doesn't even belong to me. We want to move in together, but that mean she will go through my things, want to wear my clothes and makeup, constantly be around us when we want to get intimate, and I will begin to resent it because its not even OURS, its someone else's. Its someone else's among OURS.

 

Thank you for your post. I always knew this wasn't for me, it's just so hard to let go because I really love him. But I might as well save us the trouble now than get more people involved later. Thank you for your post.

 

 

And thats a perfectly acceptable honest view to take Ocean. If you can't and don't want to accept sharing your life with some one else's child you do not have to. At least you know that and can admit it. Thats a grown up and mature attitude.

[janie423]

 

 

 

Thats a bit extreme janie. 30 years old, by then they are adult and should know that the realities of life. I am surprised the 'child' allowed this to happen. My adult children wouldn't expect or allow me to behave like that.

 

 

Hard to believe, isn't it? The timing of our dates revolved around his hanging out with his daughter. And the funny thing was he abandoned the daughter when she was three - that was her age when he left her mother.

 

This was the only exception to my rule about dating men with kids, and this exception strengthened my conviction never to do it again.

[witabix]

Hard to believe, isn't it? The timing of our dates revolved around his hanging out with his daughter. And the funny thing was he abandoned the daughter when she was three - that was her age when he left her mother.

 

This was the only exception to my rule about dating men with kids, and this exception strengthened my conviction never to do it again.

 

I can see why you think like that. We aren't all so.......strange.

 

Dates revolving around hanging out with his daughter, that is the oddest thing. He must have had a reason I suppose, but I can't think of a good one.

[janie423]

I can see why you think like that. We aren't all so.......strange.

 

Dates revolving around hanging out with his daughter, that is the oddest thing. He must have had a reason I suppose, but I can't think of a good one.

 

Stranger yet, he would mistakenly refer to her as his sister. She had a fiance and he would break dates with me to be with his daughter and hang out and drink. He never remarried after his divorce 26 years ago.

 

Sorry, but that did it for me, can't take the chance again with another dad.

[witabix]

Stranger yet, he would mistakenly refer to her as his sister. She had a fiance and he would break dates with me to be with his daughter and hang out and drink. He never remarried after his divorce 26 years ago.

 

Sorry, but that did it for me, can't take the chance again with another dad.

 

Odder and odder as Alice would say. Mistakenly refer to her as his sister.....

 

??????

[janie423]

Odder and odder as Alice would say. Mistakenly refer to her as his sister.....

 

??????

 

I think you catalyzed a thought: maybe he refers to her as his sister so that women he dates would think he is younger than he is? he lies about his age on his profile . . . just a thought . . . one time he had to correct himself 4 times . . . and he does not have a sister

 

I don't know what else to make of it . . .

[witabix]

I think you catalyzed a thought: maybe he refers to her as his sister so that women he dates would think he is younger than he is? he lies about his age on his profile . . . just a thought . . . one time he had to correct himself 4 times . . . and he does not have a sister

 

I don't know what else to make of it . . .

 

Yes that sounds like a possibility. How sad. I am very proud of my daughter, if I introduced her as my sister she'd say "Dad, what are you doing, you muppet!" She is 30 as well. I'm only 42, and a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

[OceanTropic]

This is so difficult for me to do. I know what I want, but I feel so ashamed to tell him to his face that "Listen, I love you but don't want a strange kid, bye now!".

 

He has asked me before if I was okay with it, and I told him yes, because I thought that maybe I could get used to the idea. I feel like such a horrible person prolonging the relationship only to tell him "I knew all along, just wanted to be with you a little longer". I can't even imagine the hate he will feel towards me when I tell him.

 

On top of that, all his brother and friends talk about is how in love he is with me. That makes it even more difficult. I just hate when he says "My daughter will always come first." Its a reminder that he will always love someone else more, and that another woman gave him this happiness, a void that I cannot fill.

[brainygirl]

This is so difficult for me to do. I know what I want, but I feel so ashamed to tell him to his face that "Listen, I love you but don't want a strange kid, bye now!".

 

He has asked me before if I was okay with it, and I told him yes, because I thought that maybe I could get used to the idea. I feel like such a horrible person prolonging the relationship only to tell him "I knew all along, just wanted to be with you a little longer". I can't even imagine the hate he will feel towards me when I tell him.

 

On top of that, all his brother and friends talk about is how in love he is with me. That makes it even more difficult. I just hate when he says "My daughter will always come first." Its a reminder that he will always love someone else more, and that another woman gave him this happiness, a void that I cannot fill.

 

I'd rather be with a guy who had his priorities straight than with one who ignored his child, abandoned her, or pressured his ex into aborting.

 

If you had a child it would be more important to you than the spouse. That's how the world works.

 

That being said, if you can't get past the fact that he has a delightful little child who is fun to be around and he adores, then by all means, cut him loose. Go find someone with no baggage, attachments or responsibilities. I'm sure the will make for much more stable relationships.

[witabix]

This is so difficult for me to do. I know what I want, but I feel so ashamed to tell him to his face that "Listen, I love you but don't want a strange kid, bye now!".

 

He has asked me before if I was okay with it, and I told him yes, because I thought that maybe I could get used to the idea. I feel like such a horrible person prolonging the relationship only to tell him "I knew all along, just wanted to be with you a little longer". I can't even imagine the hate he will feel towards me when I tell him.

 

On top of that, all his brother and friends talk about is how in love he is with me. That makes it even more difficult. I just hate when he says "My daughter will always come first." Its a reminder that he will always love someone else more, and that another woman gave him this happiness, a void that I cannot fill.

 

I feel you are over playing the he will always love someone else more thing.

 

There is no conflict in loving your children and loving a woman. None at all.

 

As for that another woman gave him this happiness, thats quite a wrong attitude to take. The other woman is his ex, for a reason, he did not stay with her, so much for the happiness she gave him.

 

There is no void that I cannot fill, because you are in a different category, partner category. No competition, no conflict, you are his gf. His child comes first, that would be case the in a marriage with the mother of the child.

 

Don't create a justification for your feeling that you do not want a man with children. Feeling it is enough.

 

You don't need to feel bad about telling him, its honest. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

If I were in his shoes, sure I'd be sad, but not mad, I'd understand and let you know that I appreciate your honesty and respect your choices in life.

[OceanTropic]

Witabix I really appreciate your honest answers, thank you for taking the time.

 

I guess you're right, feeling it is enough. I don't think there is conflict in the love, because it is different obviously. But at the end of the day when the world is ending, he will run to his "real" family, his daughter, and I will be left alone. He even told me once that when i'm around, its different because its like his family has "company".

 

I cant even express to you how left out this made me feel. Will there always be this thin wall between us simply because I am not an "original"? Because when a man spends time with his daughter, he feels he is with his family if the mother is around. If it's another woman who didn't bear the child, "its company". I feel like he will always alternate from "real family" to "real family + company" but never "this is my entire family".

 

He will always separate us, and I don't want this. I want it to be "our daughter" not "my daughter and you". I don't want that separation, but as long as she is living with the mother (mum has full custody) it will always be like this. And what about nights when I want to get intimate with him? "I can't I am seeing MY daughter, I want to spend alone time with her." To me that sounds like "I have family to attend to, you're not exactly part of it."

Edited May 18, 2010 by OceanTropic

[Eeyore79]

If someone has a child, I can see how their child might be more important to them than their spouse. But I don't have a child, so it bothers me when I put a man first and he puts his child first and me second. I'm not saying he shouldn't do that... of course he should, and I respect that... but it makes him incompatible with me, because I want to be in a relationship where we both put each other first.

 

Also, no matter how delightful the child is, it means that his ex will always be hanging around and causing problems, and it also means that we could never share the experience of having our first child together. I really want a child, and it would kind of ruin it for me if it was my first but not his, because it wouldn't be as special to him.

 

I found it hard to break up with my ex, because he loved me and he was a decent guy; I really liked him and I had no wish to hurt him. But dating is not charity, and you cannot date someone just because you feel sorry for them... if they're not right for you, you have to break up with them.