Wanting so badly to believe

[piscis]

In another post I wrote about my MM telling me that he returned home after leaving for 50days because he wanted to end it (he says that by being there he will have mental peace to manage guilt and dont feel that he is completly abandoning his 7 year old girl and he seeing that he is not being an irresponsable father and he wants it to be the less difficult for her).

 

I have being dealing very bad with his decision because I can see that if he is planning to leave in 3 months (we gave this time) there are so many things to be thinking and doing and I do not see them happen.

So we talk for 4 hours last thursday I told him everything I think that he is not doing anything, that his girl is of course going to be sad and upset and that I how is he going to handle this, that I think it is a wrong way to ga back home in order to leave I think that leaving is the first step and then throgh the days pass he can cope and see how to deal with things, like how can I know I like to live in the beach well just by going and doing it.

Anyway we spoke for hours and he assures me so badly that he loves me and that I think that he is a coward (I do not) because he came back but that I need to understand that he needs peace to realize that he is not going to provide her little girl the home he wanted for her and that instead of me pressure him I should tell him about the great life we could have together so he wants lo leave the marital home and start a new life with me.

I need so bad to trust him, he says he just needs time to confront his feelings because he knows the best thing for him as a man is to divorce because they are not happy together but he thinks sometimes that if his decision will afect his child very badly he will stay there in orther of her to be fine.

The problem is that I want him to resolve this the way I would do and I accept that is wrong he has to figure this out on himself.

Anyway I was at the hospital for 2 days, he was on a trip and was calling me all the time, the day he returned he went home to me (he told in his house that he will be back one day after) he cleaned up everything, he took care of me, he fed me, bought what I neeed and he stayed there with me looking after me, and I think that has a great value and you do not do that if you do not care and I feel he loves me but then at the end of the other day when he left back to his wife aaahhh!!! I can`t help thinking if he is relly being honest or just playing to remain in the A

[Brokenlady]

instead of me pressure him I should tell him about the great life we could have together so he wants lo leave the marital home and start a new life with me.

 

Reality is a real downer isn't it? I got this exact speech 2 years ago. It's crap. What it really means is that he's at home and wants to protect his little bubble of sanity right now. He's doing nothing towards finalizing things. He doesn't want to hear about how this hurts you because he's selfish, and that might make him feel bad for doing what he's doing. He wants you to just accept whatever he wants to do because it's "hard" for him. He's bascially saying that if you don't shut up and like it, he'll leave you. He wants your support and undying love, but wants to not return it. GREAT deal for him, not so much for you.

 

If I could talk to myself 2 years ago, where you are now, I'd say RUN RUN RUN. This dynamic he's starting isn't going to change. There will ALWAYS be an excuse to not divorce, to choose his W's feelings over yours, etc. He's just not ready. PLEASE don't waste your life waiting for him. It'll be YEARS and only promises more pain.

[piscis]

hi BL

Thanks for the comment, during the same conversation he told me exactly your words that he thinks sometimes that if this hurts me so much he will prefere to forever have the memoir of the first 6 months (before he returned home) than this relations in which daily I tell hism I am sad and that I can not share him anymore I was able to deal with it at the begining but not anymore and that the only thing he is sure about is that he do not want to hurt me and tht it will break his heart but he will prefer to stop this now that seeing me bad.

So we started to argue because in order for me to be fine he does not have the option of leaving his W tomorrow but to end the A and he tells me that is teh way it is just for now because for the immediate future his plans are with me.

 

Anyway, as soon as he told me that he prefere to end things I told him that I was sure I could handle it for the 3 months (like please do not leave me)

[jthorne]

So nothing has changed.

He's still living with his wife, and making no efforts to leave.

He's giving you lip service with pretty words, but he is not taking any action.

I hope you are not wasting the next 3 months.

[2sunny]

it was so easy for him to come stay with you for one day when he lied to his W about where he really was. he called all the time only because he wasn't at home - he was away on business...

 

he pays attention to you when it's convenient for him... when he thinks he won't get caught... you are still the secret.

 

all his actions say that his W and M are his priority.

 

only pay attention to his actions - his words are meaningless until they are parallel. men lie. they lie to get everything they want. he lies.

 

he is not the man you thought he COULD be - he is still willing to have his M as his top priority... that is reality.

 

are you willing to settle as #2 forever? he's offered that to you and continues to offer only that to you as long as he stays married. as long as you stay involved - that tells him by YOUR actions that you accept being #2.

[2sunny]

hi BL

Thanks for the comment, during the same conversation he told me exactly your words that he thinks sometimes that if this hurts me so much he will prefere to forever have the memoir of the first 6 months (before he returned home) than this relations in which daily I tell hism I am sad and that I can not share him anymore I was able to deal with it at the begining but not anymore and that the only thing he is sure about is that he do not want to hurt me and tht it will break his heart but he will prefer to stop this now that seeing me bad.

So we started to argue because in order for me to be fine he does not have the option of leaving his W tomorrow but to end the A and he tells me that is teh way it is just for now because for the immediate future his plans are with me.

 

Anyway, as soon as he told me that he prefere to end things I told him that I was sure I could handle it for the 3 months (like please do not leave me)

 

YOU have now made more demands than he can pretend to deliver. now that you have demands - he would prefer that you quietly go away... he prefers to get a OW that will be quiet and happy and not cause a fuss.

 

he is preparing to dump you if you keep pushing him.

[Brokenlady]

hi BL

Thanks for the comment, during the same conversation he told me exactly your words that he thinks sometimes that if this hurts me so much he will prefere to forever have the memoir of the first 6 months (before he returned home) than this relations in which daily I tell hism I am sad and that I can not share him anymore I was able to deal with it at the begining but not anymore and that the only thing he is sure about is that he do not want to hurt me and tht it will break his heart but he will prefer to stop this now that seeing me bad.

 

If the only thing he was sure of is that he didn't want to hurt you, he wouldn't. The only thing he is sure of is that he wants to have his Wife AND you. And he doesn't want you to complain about it.

 

So we started to argue because in order for me to be fine he does not have the option of leaving his W tomorrow but to end the A and he tells me that is teh way it is just for now because for the immediate future his plans are with me.

 

Sure he can leave his wife tomorrow. He doesn't want to. I promise you he will have an excuse when the 3 months ends, he'll plead for you to understand, blah blah. LIES!!!! Actions speak louder than words - how is he showing you his future plans are with you when he is doing nothing to be with you and says he'd rather leave you than do what he needs to do in order to soothe your pain??

 

Anyway, as soon as he told me that he prefere to end things I told him that I was sure I could handle it for the 3 months (like please do not leave me)

 

I've been there and I did the exact same thing. It was a HUGE mistake. He's playing you the same way DM did to me. And he will drag this out for as long as you let him. Rest assurred, if you call his bluff, and tell him: ok - goodbye, good luck with your wife, he will come running. Don't let him do this to you. You are a wonderful and caring person, don't let him make you doubt that by insisting that you be "understanding" about things that hurt you and are beyond what should ever be expected of you.

[MorningCoffee]

men lie. they lie to get everything they want. he lies.

It isn't only men who lie in As, and it isn't always conscious or deliberate deceit. I think the MM/MW having the A with a SOW/SOM convinces themselves that they really are torn, and that there really is the possibility that they will leave the M. So they express that, self-deluded as it is. It seems to me it happens in just the same way that the OW/OM sees every little crumb tossed their way by their MAP as a sign of progress towards the hoped-for future. But the threads at LS make it abundantly clear that such an outcome is extremely unlikely. Even sometimes when both APs really want it, other forces in the M (long history, the children, financial) are more powerful than the wish, and so the MP stays in the M.

[2sunny]

It isn't only men who lie in As, and it isn't always conscious or deliberate deceit. I think the MM/MW having the A with a SOW/SOM convinces themselves that they really are torn, and that there really is the possibility that they will leave the M. So they express that, self-deluded as it is. It seems to me it happens in just the same way that the OW/OM sees every little crumb tossed their way by their MAP as a sign of progress towards the hoped-for future. But the threads at LS make it abundantly clear that such an outcome is extremely unlikely. Even sometimes when both APs really want it, other forces in the M (long history, the children, financial) are more powerful than the wish, and so the MP stays in the M.

 

to wish for something to happen is totally different than actually taking ACTION to make sure it happens. HUGE difference - no matter what a person does or does not tell themselves.

[fooled once]

In another post I wrote about my MM telling me that he returned home after leaving for 50days because he wanted to end it (he says that by being there he will have mental peace to manage guilt and dont feel that he is completly abandoning his 7 year old girl and he seeing that he is not being an irresponsable father and he wants it to be the less difficult for her).

 

I have being dealing very bad with his decision because I can see that if he is planning to leave in 3 months (we gave this time) there are so many things to be thinking and doing and I do not see them happen.

So we talk for 4 hours last thursday I told him everything I think that he is not doing anything, that his girl is of course going to be sad and upset and that I how is he going to handle this, that I think it is a wrong way to ga back home in order to leave I think that leaving is the first step and then throgh the days pass he can cope and see how to deal with things, like how can I know I like to live in the beach well just by going and doing it.

Anyway we spoke for hours and he assures me so badly that he loves me and that I think that he is a coward (I do not) because he came back but that I need to understand that he needs peace to realize that he is not going to provide her little girl the home he wanted for her and that instead of me pressure him I should tell him about the great life we could have together so he wants lo leave the marital home and start a new life with me.

I need so bad to trust him, he says he just needs time to confront his feelings because he knows the best thing for him as a man is to divorce because they are not happy together but he thinks sometimes that if his decision will afect his child very badly he will stay there in orther of her to be fine.

The problem is that I want him to resolve this the way I would do and I accept that is wrong he has to figure this out on himself.

Anyway I was at the hospital for 2 days, he was on a trip and was calling me all the time, the day he returned he went home to me (he told in his house that he will be back one day after) he cleaned up everything, he took care of me, he fed me, bought what I neeed and he stayed there with me looking after me, and I think that has a great value and you do not do that if you do not care and I feel he loves me but then at the end of the other day when he left back to his wife aaahhh!!! I can`t help thinking if he is relly being honest or just playing to remain in the A

 

You can't make him do it YOUR way. He has to do it HIS way, if he is really going to do it.

 

I personally believe he is going to stay with his wife and child. I don't see anything in what you write that makes me believe he will leave. Like everyone has told you - a person doesn't move out and then move back in only to move back out.

 

But he has you believing this.

 

My advice - stop contact with him. Stop pressuring him, stop trying to manipulate him and let him make his own decisions. If he comes to you in 3 months, great. But if he doesn't, you will have had 3 months to get used to the idea he is staying with his wife.

 

But if you continue to wait, stop telling him what to do. He isn't your child, he isn't your boyfriend, he isn't your spouse. If you continue to pressure him and he does leave, he will always blame you for 'making him' do it.

 

And you are right, at the end of the day, he went home to his wife.

[MorningCoffee]

to wish for something to happen is totally different than actually taking ACTION to make sure it happens. HUGE difference - no matter what a person does or does not tell themselves.

 

Agreed. The action taken is choosing to stay.

[BB07]

I think your MM is telling you what he believes is the truth, BUT, I think when that time period is up, it's not going to be one bit easier for him to leave then than it will be now. He is going to have to get some bigger gonads in order for him to do what he has to do in order to be with you and I wonder if he can actually do it, when push comes to shove. What he is asking from you is in NO way fair and if I were you, I'd get busy with my own life. I think the longer you accept what is offering you right now, the longer that it will go on. I think you need to be very brave and tell him that it's not acceptable and you can't wait. Take back some power and control of your own life, don't let him suck you dry in the waiting game. It's a risk.......but to keep your sanity, you really shouldn't let him do this to you and his family. There will never be an ideal time for him to leave and there isn't any way to get around the pain it will cause....it's inevitable, now or later.

[piscis]

"There will be an ideal time for him to leave"

Is that true?

Maybe that time was during the 50 days he was not there and that time is gone now, maybe that time has not come yet will it? will it really come?

 

I know I want him to do things my way and it is not the correct way. He told me something that I think is right and it got me he has to do it alone, the more I tell him the more he becomes inmune to it and talking about it does not help in any way.

 

And it is true.

I think he is inlove with the idea of living with me and that everything just magically fits as in the same way that I would dream of living in Paris and do not having to work but at the end of the day he is not going to be able to risk his daughter happiness, or anything to see what happends.

 

I think he would have to risk in order to win. To win what? Ok he would have another R with his girl yes, but he leaves home at 6 am and she is asleep, he arrives al 10 pm she is asleep and on weekends he finds time to see me, so as I see it if he spends the whole weekends with her it would be more quality time that the one spending now, and to live with the woman he pressumes he loves, everyone would have to adjust yes, it is going gto be hard for everyone yes, but I think that he does not wan anyone to suffer and it is not going to happen and it is really frustrating for me and the worse part of all is that there is nothing I can do

[2sunny]

that there is nothing I can do

 

yes there is... YOU take care of YOU. YOU can get out of a relationship that involves 3 or more people. YOU have this choice. tell him to only contact you when his divorce is final.

 

he will either do this - or he won't. in the meantime - get busy living, for YOU.

 

stop wasting your days and time waiting for him to be available. life is too short. you deserve to be happy today - and every day.

[bentnotbroken]

Even sometimes when both APs really want it, other forces in the M (long history, the children, financial) are more powerful than the wish, and so the MP stays in the M.

 

 

This = coward. Nothing should hold you in a marriage you don't want to be in, except lack of a backbone.

[2sunny]

This = coward. Nothing should hold you in a marriage you don't want to be in, except lack of a backbone.

 

or a ton of excuses designed to make it look like someone is leaving when they never intend to...

[bentnotbroken]

"There will be an ideal time for him to leave"

Is that true?

Maybe that time was during the 50 days he was not there and that time is gone now, maybe that time has not come yet will it? will it really come?

 

I know I want him to do things my way and it is not the correct way. He told me something that I think is right and it got me he has to do it alone, the more I tell him the more he becomes inmune to it and talking about it does not help in any way.

 

And it is true.

I think he is inlove with the idea of living with me and that everything just magically fits as in the same way that I would dream of living in Paris and do not having to work but at the end of the day he is not going to be able to risk his daughter happiness, or anything to see what happends.

 

I think he would have to risk in order to win. To win what? Ok he would have another R with his girl yes, but he leaves home at 6 am and she is asleep, he arrives al 10 pm she is asleep and on weekends he finds time to see me, so as I see it if he spends the whole weekends with her it would be more quality time that the one spending now, and to live with the woman he pressumes he loves, everyone would have to adjust yes, it is going gto be hard for everyone yes, but I think that he does not wan anyone to suffer and it is not going to happen and it is really frustrating for me and the worse part of all is that there is nothing I can do

 

 

There was an ideal time....before the affair. Now he is just playing the confused game and choking the life out of all involved.

[MorningCoffee]

This = coward. Nothing should hold you in a marriage you don't want to be in, except lack of a backbone.

 

Agreed. Wasn't me, it was my fAP, and when I finally saw the truth I went NC.

Edited May 18, 2010 by MorningCoffee
clarification

[Brokenlady]

"There will be an ideal time for him to leave"

Is that true?

Maybe that time was during the 50 days he was not there and that time is gone now, maybe that time has not come yet will it? will it really come?

 

Leaving a second time is MUCH harder, and retraumatizes his daughter. Even if you believe he will leave, how will you ever feel secure when he is clearly capable of leaving and then going right back after a few months?

 

I know I want him to do things my way and it is not the correct way. He told me something that I think is right and it got me he has to do it alone, the more I tell him the more he becomes inmune to it and talking about it does not help in any way.

 

If he wanted to do it alone, he wouldn't be insisting that you suck this 3 months up and just "understand". He needs to do things his own way, but that doesn't give him rights to steamroll you in the process. If you wanted to date someone else while you "waited", would he be so understanding. I seriously doubt it. What you have here is not a partnership, not a relationship of give and take. Is that that the precedent you want to set for him?

 

And it is true.

I think he is inlove with the idea of living with me and that everything just magically fits as in the same way that I would dream of living in Paris and do not having to work but at the end of the day he is not going to be able to risk his daughter happiness, or anything to see what happends.

 

My DM STILL talks the same way. It's incredibly immature, and yet another way he completel avoids reality. For instance, he bought a house rcebtly large enough to accomdate us and all our kids. Yet, I haven't ever met his kids, and while he talks of introducing me, there are no plans for this to happen. Yet, somehow, magically, he thinks we'll all just mesh together. Needless to say, I'm not moving in with him.

 

I think he would have to risk in order to win. To win what? Ok he would have another R with his girl yes, but he leaves home at 6 am and she is asleep, he arrives al 10 pm she is asleep and on weekends he finds time to see me, so as I see it if he spends the whole weekends with her it would be more quality time that the one spending now, and to live with the woman he pressumes he loves, everyone would have to adjust yes, it is going gto be hard for everyone yes, but I think that he does not wan anyone to suffer and it is not going to happen and it is really frustrating for me and the worse part of all is that there is nothing I can do

 

Try to stop thinking of what he must be thinking. You're trying way to hard to be sympathetic in order to justify what he's doing to you. Look out for you - because he certainly is not.

[piscis]

It is too obvious he is not moving out why can`t I see and accept it in order to move on

[Spark1111]

It is too obvious he is not moving out why can`t I see and accept it in order to move on

 

You want to trust someone you love. It is human nature.

 

But actions speak louder than words.

[Brokenlady]

Because you're not ready yet. You're probably afraid that he's about to move out and if you leave now, you'll ruin everything. He wants you to think this, but it just isn't true. You can't control his choices. As much as it sucks, the only control you have is over whether or not you choose to hurt yourself in this relationship. He has no reason to change anything as long as you are hanging on. And all hanging on is doing is hurting you. When the pain exceeds the false hope, you'll be able to make a break.

[sadintexas]

...that instead of me pressure him I should tell him about the great life we could have together so he wants lo leave the marital home and start a new life with me.

 

If he leaves the marriage it should be because the marriage is broken beyond repair. You shouldn't have to promise him a better life, paint a fairytale picture to "win" your man. He's putting that on you and asking you to deny your very real feelings and doubts about this situation. You need to turn the tables and make this about winning YOU.

 

You are single. You don't have enormous amounts of baggage you're asking him to deal with. You could possibly go out and meet a man today that can offer you much more than this married fool. He should be made very aware of that fact. It's not about you doing it all right so you get your chance with this guy...it's about him not being stupid and missing his chance with YOU.

 

Let him know that you love and respect yourself first!

[sadintexas]

Ok he would have another R with his girl yes, but he leaves home at 6 am and she is asleep, he arrives al 10 pm she is asleep and on weekends he finds time to see me, so as I see it if he spends the whole weekends with her it would be more quality time that the one spending now

 

I had these same conversations with my FMM. He'd decided he had to stay because of his son (son was very young). Ironically, he couldn't stand to be home so he either worked a lot of extra hours to avoid being home, or said he was working extra hours so he could be with me. He rarely saw his children because he spent so much time avoiding the wife.

 

So I brought up, wouldn't it be better, even at the minimum visitation order, to have his children every other weekend where he had them uninterrupted and he could actually enjoy his time with them? Possibly, he could get more time than that these days.

 

He still felt he was abondoning them. As if he wasn't doing that already

 

There's more in your situation than just the daughter. When the alternative is a better solution and they still resist even giving it credence, there are other reasons they stay. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. If he really wanted to leave that marriage, he would. He would NOT have gone back.

[Fight4Me]

If he leaves the marriage it should be because the marriage is broken beyond repair. You shouldn't have to promise him a better life, paint a fairytale picture to "win" your man. He's putting that on you and asking you to deny your very real feelings and doubts about this situation.

 

I was just about to post this exact same thing since it jumped right out at me when I first read it. If he were truly emotionally prepared to leave his wife, he would be able to do it decisively on his own. It's a really bad idea for you to shoulder the responsibility of his future happiness, and this is a rule of thumb for anyone, regardless of the type of relationship they have.

 

There's more in your situation than just the daughter. When the alternative is a better solution and they still resist even giving it credence, there are other reasons they stay. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. If he really wanted to leave that marriage, he would. He would NOT have gone back.

 

Also agree. It's pretty low of him to use his young daughter as an excuse. She deserves better than that.

 

I also believe you can do so much better, and this is coming from a fBS. Love yourself enough to find someone who will move heaven and earth to be with you, and don't settle for anything less. Life is too precious and too short.